Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

AIBU?

DD saying DSS "smacked her"

147 replies

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 15:34

Stepson is 19 and lives with us, has done since he was 11.

DD who is 2 came into the kitchen earlier and saying "Mummy did this" and then proceeded to smack her leg, I asked her to tell me again and she said exactly the same thing, I then asked her why he did that and she said that she was trying to put a cushion in his face . I went in and asked dss why dd was saying that he had hit her on the leg and he just laughed and asked dd why she was "telling on him to Mummy' so then I asked him again and he said that she was shoving a cushion in his face while he was watching tv and he told her to stop but she didn't so he "tapped" her on the leg. I saw red and told him in no uncertain terms that I don't care what she did with the bloody cushion but he is to never ever hit/tap/smack her or whatever he wants to call it, this then involved much huffing about her annoying him and he then stormed upstairs and called his Dad.

DH just phoned and asked what was going on (dss now gone out) so I told him and he said well I've told him not to do it again but it was only a tap, so now I've gone mad at him and he has put the phone down on me!

FFS stepson is 19 years old, dd is 2 she can be bloody annoying as 2 year olds can but he is a man, how dare is bloody smack her on the leg for annoying him, I am so angry.

AIBU and over reacting?

OP posts:

Report

paxillin · 27/04/2016 16:32

Was he "smacked" as a child? Maybe he thinks hitting a child is a perfectly good way to stop unwanted behaviour. If he wasn't, YANBU. If he was, he is just doing what he was brought up to see as normal. A sibling who is 17 years older can sometimes take on a bit of a parenting role.

paxillin · 27/04/2016 16:33

Sorry, posted too early. If he was hit when he was small, you need a calm discussion about violence not being part of your parenting in any circumstance.

pocketsaviour · 27/04/2016 16:34

People parent in the way they were shown. So I'd suspect that your DH gave your DSS a tap or two when he was growing up. I'd let your DH handle this and explain that although he may have physically disciplined DSS when he was a child, he now realises this was wrong and that children shouldn't be hit.

Maryz · 27/04/2016 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleeponeday · 27/04/2016 16:36

I can't believe some of these replies. If anyone ever hit a child of mine - and that would include a stepchild - I would go ballistic.

He is nineteen, and she is two. It is never, ever okay, but just because she was annoying him?! Bloody hell.

Toffeelatteplease · 27/04/2016 16:36

I'd be teaching the daughter not to put pillows in faces.....

sleeponeday · 27/04/2016 16:37

Agree that he should be able to discipline her, though. How does he usually manage her behaviour in your absence?

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:37

Maryz I said previously that if he feels like he can't deal with her annoying him like an adult then he should come and get me, I have no problem with him telling her no, removing her from the situation or even raising his voice but if he can't do any of that before smacking her then he needs to come and get me and I will deal with her.

OP posts:

MangoMoon · 27/04/2016 16:40

Did you deal with her repeatedly putting a pillow over his face, despite being asked & told not to?

Pipsqueak23 · 27/04/2016 16:40

I think you have BU with your reaction towards DSS. Yes he is 19 and should not have tapped her but that doesn't justify you kicking off to high heaven at him.

Have you or your DH actually taken the time to explain to DSS on how you would like situations handled I.e. Timeout etc

blindsider · 27/04/2016 16:44

I suspect if he had smacked her so it hurt you would have heard all about it as she would have screamed the house down knowing it would drop her HB in it.

All you have done is underline to him that you are treating him differently from your 'real child'

Out2pasture · 27/04/2016 16:44

So are all taps, light smacks, pushing a body part away, holding a toddler in place while explaining safety issues off limit??
The toddler wasn't bothered.
I'm not an advocate of violence in anger but I think you over reacted.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/04/2016 16:47

Since you've never had a conversation with him about smacking, I have no idea how you expected him to know that a tap was unacceptable. I am saying tap because you don't know what happened and immediately jumped to a conclusion based on a 2-yr-old's mime

Expecting anyone to reach a conclusion about your parenting rules because of what they have seen isn't good enough. I'm sure you don't spend every hour of every day together so it's ludicrous to suggest he should have worked out that you don't smack.

You need to equip a teenager to be able to look after a child. It doesn't come naturally and it definitely won't fall naturally in line with your own ideas when you don't even voice them.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/04/2016 16:48

It sounds like sibling horseplay.Total over-Reaction

Sibling horseplay between a 19 and 2yo? That's bonkers

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:48

Blindsider this isn't about him being my stepson and poor him being treated differently because he has never been treated differently, he was here before my two children were born so I'm not having this turned into a poor stepson/wicked stepmother situation when it's not. It could have been anyone, if my ds7 had smacked her he would be in massive trouble.

OP posts:

Maryz · 27/04/2016 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:49

Aplace so for the last 7.5 years he has watched me parent and it has never occurred to him that I don't smack?

OP posts:

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:50

Maryz I post d the following to you earlier:

Maryz I said previously that if he feels like he can't deal with her annoying him like an adult then he should come and get me, I have no problem with him telling her no, removing her from the situation or even raising his voice but if he can't do any of that before smacking her then he needs to come and get me and I will deal with her.

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/04/2016 16:51

Totally over the top.

Maryz · 27/04/2016 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Believeitornot · 27/04/2016 16:53

He didn't smack her though did he? He may have pushed her or whatever but it wasn't enough to hurt her.

My two DCs fight and hit and I'd tell them off either way.

So agree you need to speak to the dss.

However your reaction was over the top and you're at risk of creating an environment where you favour the 2 year old. Which, seems ludicrous but you may create a wedge between you and your DSS.

Maryz · 27/04/2016 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 27/04/2016 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blindsider · 27/04/2016 16:54

wilberforce

Well you are not treating him as an adult.

amarmai · 27/04/2016 16:54

neither we nor op knows how hard she was 'tapped' But this response from a 19 yr old is not reassuring. First off he did not answer the question but told off for 2 yr old for 'telling on him'?? then he used minimising language and justified what he did because he had a cushion pushed in his 19 yr old face by a 2 yr old and blamed the 2 yr old. Then he got angry and stormed off and told on the 2 yr old to his daddy?? Has he yet acknowledged what he did was inappropriate without blaming a 2 yr old and minimising or getting angry? OP YANBU.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.