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AIBU?

DD saying DSS "smacked her"

147 replies

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 15:34

Stepson is 19 and lives with us, has done since he was 11.

DD who is 2 came into the kitchen earlier and saying "Mummy did this" and then proceeded to smack her leg, I asked her to tell me again and she said exactly the same thing, I then asked her why he did that and she said that she was trying to put a cushion in his face . I went in and asked dss why dd was saying that he had hit her on the leg and he just laughed and asked dd why she was "telling on him to Mummy' so then I asked him again and he said that she was shoving a cushion in his face while he was watching tv and he told her to stop but she didn't so he "tapped" her on the leg. I saw red and told him in no uncertain terms that I don't care what she did with the bloody cushion but he is to never ever hit/tap/smack her or whatever he wants to call it, this then involved much huffing about her annoying him and he then stormed upstairs and called his Dad.

DH just phoned and asked what was going on (dss now gone out) so I told him and he said well I've told him not to do it again but it was only a tap, so now I've gone mad at him and he has put the phone down on me!

FFS stepson is 19 years old, dd is 2 she can be bloody annoying as 2 year olds can but he is a man, how dare is bloody smack her on the leg for annoying him, I am so angry.

AIBU and over reacting?

OP posts:

Report

ToastDemon · 27/04/2016 18:38

I'm finding it a bit odd that people are referring to "two children" and sibling horse play. It's a baby and an adult!

ToastDemon · 27/04/2016 18:39

I think, OP, if it had been your 19 year old DS who had done it, you'd have got very different responses. People go a bit peculiar around the stepchildren issue.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/04/2016 18:39

Small children really do need to learn that if they make a disclousure or allagation about an adult then the matter will be looked into.

No matter who that adult is or how they are related

magoria · 27/04/2016 18:40

DD hasn't been believed over him, he said he 'tapped' her. Way to exaggerate

No one should be raising their hand to anyone else's child as a method of telling them off.

Houseworkavoider · 27/04/2016 18:43

Yanbu!
I would have done pretty much the same as you op.
It seems to me that some posters are deliberately misunderstanding your posts.

My DS would not dare hit his much younger siblings. If he did, I would tear strips off of him.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 27/04/2016 18:57

Well, he's 19, is he planning on moving out soon?
Either way, it's in the interest of the whole family to sort out expectations and keep the relationships going. He needs to realise that he mustn't tap as a reprimand, and OP needs to tell her DSS what he can do if his sister is winding him up.
And no, it'd make no difference to me what sort of brother he is, DB or DSB.

FuriousFate · 27/04/2016 19:01

YANBU, OP. I'm surprised at how this thread has turned out to be honest as normally people are up in arms about smacking on here, as well as the fact that tap/slap/smack are all essentially the same thing - hitting someone.

I'd be livid if I were you and I'd be questionning the safety of the 2yo around her older step brother. I have a 2yo. They are annoying! They are annoying like children of no other age IMHO and IME. However, relative or not, I would not stand by and allow a grown man to abuse his little sister in the family home.

SoupDragon · 27/04/2016 19:02

DD hasn't been believed over him, he said he 'tapped' her.

And the OP believes her DD who is implying by actions that it was a much harder slap.

SoupDragon · 27/04/2016 19:05

I think, OP, if it had been your 19 year old DS who had done it, you'd have got very different responses.

I disagree completely.

SarahM24 · 27/04/2016 19:17

It was a tap not abuse your completely exaggerating

FuriousFate · 27/04/2016 19:22

Of course it's physical abuse. A grown man hit a two year old. Call it a smack/tap/slap whatever. It's all semantics. At the end of the day, he put his hands on her with the sole intention of causing pain and humiliation.

Houseworkavoider · 27/04/2016 19:23

SoupDragon
I completely agree.

Bagatelle1 · 27/04/2016 19:23

YABU. It sounds like usual sibling behaviour. Asking him not to do it again would be appropriate; not your reaction!
Also, in the midst of all this anger, did you tell your DD not to shove cushions in peoples' faces? If she did this to a baby it could be serious.

AngieBolen · 27/04/2016 19:25

I think your DSS sees his relationship with your DD as a sibling one...he sees them as equals although you see him as an adult who should care for her. Yes, you should gently point out he is an adult and she is a baby of in 13 years time she will be staying over at his house doing all the things you won't let her, but he, as her cool older sibling will allow.

paxillin · 27/04/2016 19:27

I am totally against smacking, as are many of the pps. He's not a parent yet, he's 19. Where does his idea of smack as discipline come from? Presumably his own (not so long ago) childhood. I don't think anybody has misunderstood, deliberately or otherwise, the OP is quite clear.

And a tap can indeed be the same as a smack or it can be more of a "hold back". A tap on a shoulder is a way to draw attention. If he means this kind of tap, he is fine, but not believed. If the tap was much harder and the toddler anything like my kids, people would have heard the screams of outrage in Edinburgh and we are down south.

If he refuses to interact with her, OP's DD will be the one losing out. Our age difference is not as big, but our teen has a very good "I do not engage with you" strategy, works a treat. The younger one knows not to annoy him too much to avoid this. If he had the wish never to interact, little one would be heartbroken as would OP's DD. Time to make peace, he made a mistake.

wallywobbles · 27/04/2016 19:57

Not yet rtft but I suspect you are making a rod for your own back here. He's not a parent. He's her brother. Did you never rough and tumble with your siblings? The age gap is vast so Dad has a second family which is hard enough for most kids to swallow. If I were you I'd definitely NOT be making a mountain of this but I suspect it's too late.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 27/04/2016 20:12

Hopefully, if this is a functioning family, they'll sit down and talk about it all and do some listening to each other.
It seems to be the first time that this has happened, so it's the perfect time to lay down some unambiguous ground rules.
When my relatives were younger, one set had a very over-protective mother who never accepted that her children did anything wrong, so my children (older) got very good at disengaging rather than be blamed. To the point where she'd look around and say 'Where's x?' and they would quietly have shoved off and not be seen until the next day. Those relatives are teenagers now, and their mother is developing a somewhat different approach.
It's worth working out a better way of managing for siblings sharing a house though.

TealLove · 27/04/2016 20:22

YANBU!!!!

Alexa444 · 27/04/2016 20:27

At the end of the day, he put his hands on her with the sole intention of causing pain and humiliation.

Oh FFS, when you swat at a fly is your sole intention to cause it pain and humiliation? No, you just want it to go away and leave you alone. He didn't abuse her in the slightest. It was a swat from an irritated older sibling, not a beating. Do any of you seriously think that she wouldn't have been shrieking her head off if it had actually hurt? She was winding him up, he tapped her leg in annoyance and she got the hump and went telling tales. Like every other younger sister EVER. Why on earth are you blowing it out of proportion?

I know my stepbrother is bloody annoying and as a teen, he was about 6 years younger, the sound of me swiping at him and going "Go away!" Was pretty common.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 27/04/2016 20:39

Dd is believed over dss that the situation was worse for her than for him. She was shoving a cushion in his face and he was to accept it?

Which is worse? It's all in which words are used.

DSS tapped dd's leg (his words)
Dd's action of smacking her leg
OP uses hitting. Each word increasingly carries a different strength of action.

put the cushion and shoved the cushion equally so. One could reasonably just block the view, the other could feel like you're being suffocated.

Op says she saw red and didn't care what dd did with the bloody cushion but dss wasn't to hit/ tap/smack his baby sister. But he has to put up potentially with being suffocated?

So yes, I do think op should cut dss a little slack with his younger sister. Babies can be a pain when they aren't yours and even though there is a massive age gap, sibling rivalry can occur.

Op needs to show dss how to manage his baby sister and show dd how to ask nicely if she wants her brother to play/she wants to watch her programme etc.

And even though op should let dd roam her own home freely, she needs to either asking dss if he minds watching her/keeping an eye on her while op is elsewhere or accept that siblings of all ages do piss each other off and she will have to parent that without losing her own temper.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/04/2016 20:42

No one at all has acted well in this scenario.

MangoMoon · 27/04/2016 21:54

Of course it's physical abuse. A grown man hit a two year old. Call it a smack/tap/slap whatever. It's all semantics. At the end of the day, he put his hands on her with the sole intention of causing pain and humiliation.

Nothing like a good piece of MN hysterical hyperbole to get the party going...

Tap < slap < smack < hit.

Tap = to strike something gently and move it slightly

Slap = to strike something quickly with the palm of the hand

Smack = to strike, typically with the palm of the hand and as a punishment

Hit = to bring hand/tool/weapon into contact with something quickly and forcefully

It is not semantics, each word escalates in severity.

^...he put his hands on her with the sole intention of causing pain and humiliation...
^
Did you read the same OP that I did?!

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