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AIBU?

DD saying DSS "smacked her"

147 replies

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 15:34

Stepson is 19 and lives with us, has done since he was 11.

DD who is 2 came into the kitchen earlier and saying "Mummy did this" and then proceeded to smack her leg, I asked her to tell me again and she said exactly the same thing, I then asked her why he did that and she said that she was trying to put a cushion in his face . I went in and asked dss why dd was saying that he had hit her on the leg and he just laughed and asked dd why she was "telling on him to Mummy' so then I asked him again and he said that she was shoving a cushion in his face while he was watching tv and he told her to stop but she didn't so he "tapped" her on the leg. I saw red and told him in no uncertain terms that I don't care what she did with the bloody cushion but he is to never ever hit/tap/smack her or whatever he wants to call it, this then involved much huffing about her annoying him and he then stormed upstairs and called his Dad.

DH just phoned and asked what was going on (dss now gone out) so I told him and he said well I've told him not to do it again but it was only a tap, so now I've gone mad at him and he has put the phone down on me!

FFS stepson is 19 years old, dd is 2 she can be bloody annoying as 2 year olds can but he is a man, how dare is bloody smack her on the leg for annoying him, I am so angry.

AIBU and over reacting?

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PPie10 · 27/04/2016 16:54

What a complete and over reaction from you. Honestly you would think he assaulted her or something. It was a tap and it stopped her. You need to calm yourself down and speak to your Dh and dss properly instead of behaving like a child yourself.

Bogeyface · 27/04/2016 16:55

You "like" him like your own son?

I love my son.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:55

It doesn't sound like you read it..

I said in my post he can tell her no, remove her from the room/situation and even raise his voice, I'm not expecting him to run to me every time she annoys him!

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Osolea · 27/04/2016 16:55

I think you're over reacting, but parents can be over protective out of love, so I wouldn't criticise your over reaction.

Your dss has got the message that you don't like your dd being tapped by anyone even when she's being repeatedly annoying, so just don't leave them alone together any more and forget about it. If you don't expect your dss to supervise your dd when you're doing something else, then it will never be a problem again, and it can be completely forgotten.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/04/2016 16:56

Unless you voice it, why would it occur to him? He's a teenager. He isn't assessing your parenting techniques. And, crucially and obviously, he isn't a parent so issues like smacking, time out, etc, won't be on his radar.

I don't know how good he is at looking after your DD. I have teenage relatives who grew up around smaller children and are excellent at managing them. I have others (the same age) who haven't been taught how to look after younger children and consequently wouldn't know how to look after them. If you asked them, they would think they did but they don't risk assess, they don't react quickly enough. It's why I know from my experience, that you can't assume anything and have to actually have the conversations, and then watch them together.

As for the sibling horseplay comment, I have a similar age gap with my DBs and we would play together including rough and tumble. That is normal.

Maryz · 27/04/2016 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThinkPinkStink · 27/04/2016 16:59

2 year olds are annoying. As your 2 year old, she is FAR FAR less annoying to you than she is to anyone else. That is literally nature.

You made a decision to have a child and bring her into your family - you made some decisions about how to raise her, and how to manage bad behaviour should it arise.

You SS has made none of these decisions.

19 is an 'adult' but in many cases it's still very much a 'boy' - he's probably given little/no thought to how he'd sensibly discipline a toddler, and why should he?

By saying "if he feels like he can't deal with her annoying him like an adult then he should come and get me," (which by the way is both passive aggressive and patronising) you have basically made it impossible for him to come to you should he not know how to handle the situation. How can you expect him to admit that he doesn't feel like he can be an adult...?

What you need to do is educate him on how to teach a toddler what is and isn't okay - lead by example, show him how you would have stopped her from repeatedly putting a pillow on his face.

I am not the mother to a two year old, but I was a much older half-sister to a very much coddled younger sibling. I had the same issues your SS is facing, I had no idea how to deal with them. It wasn't about sibling rivalry, it was literally a complete knowledge-lack, I had no idea how to live with an annoying toddler...

But rest assured 25 years later, I love my sister with all my heart and would fight to the death to protect her.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 17:00

Bogeyface I think you will find I answered a question as to whether o like him or not so I said:

Yes I like him, he is like my own son.

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peggyundercrackers · 27/04/2016 17:01

YABU and over the top. it was a light tap and it goes on between siblings not matter what you say or what you tell them. turning to the 2 your old and saying you told mummy is also what siblings do - age doesn't matter - they tease each other all the time.

AndNowItsSeven · 27/04/2016 17:01

Your are massively overacting.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 17:01

Osolea he wasn't supervising her he was laying on the sofa watching to and she was playing in the same room..

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Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 17:02

Peggy it doesn't go on between siblings in my house when one is significantly older than the other, as I said before if my ds7 smacked her he would be in big trouble.

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bbpp · 27/04/2016 17:03

There's a specific leg tap I've seen 1000 times before, with multiple families. The kid is being daft and annoying, but playing, and the adult plays along. Then the kid takes it to far and in a way to keep it light-hearted, they do a gentle leg tap and a 'stop now'.

It's not a smack in the slightest, its a tap. The child finds it funny, it's still all fun and games, but they stop.

It's used when the child hasn't actually been naughty, but they are taking it too far and being annoying. It ends it without lowering the mood or upsetting the child by punishing them or telling them off.

Could he not have been doing this?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/04/2016 17:03

Horseplay and right and tumble play is nothing at all like slapping/smacking in response to percieved bad behaviour

Oysterbabe · 27/04/2016 17:06

Yanbu. It isn't for him to discipline your child and "tapping", or hitting as I'd call it, is absolutely not on.

Osolea · 27/04/2016 17:07

Osolea he wasn't supervising her he was laying on the sofa watching to and she was playing in the same room.

At two years old, don't children usually play in the same room as the person who is looking after them?

Do you usually leave her to play alone in that room when there's no one else there? Just asking because it's been a long time since mine were two, but I don't remember leaving them to play unsupervised when they were that young.

LightDrizzle · 27/04/2016 17:09

But he said he tapped her, not that he smacked her, his laughing playful reaction to your challenge doesn't sound like a guilty or defensive response. She wasn't distressed and there is no mark (tights are no barrier to redness).

It sounds like horseplay to me, yes a rebuke but a playful response and they were physically engaged already, at her instigation.

I really hope your DSS isn't too shocked and upset by your reaction. To feel you view his actions as those of an abuser (which is how it will feel if you shouted at him for "hitting" her) could cause permanent damage to his relationship with you and his sister.

In his shoes I would be reluctant to engage with her much at all, I would become hyper-aware of how my behaviour could be interpreted as an older "man" (presumably you made much of his being so much older when bollocking him). Two year olds are unpredictable and very physical, he could easily stick out a hand to stop her charging him and she could topple onto her bum. So he would have "knocked her to the ground".

I once instinctively caught the foot of a four year old in my hand as he went to high-kick me (unprovoked and out of the blue), he fell backwards, smack on the kitchen floor and there were a couple of seconds when we both stared at each other in amazement before he started bawling. Luckily for me his grandma was in the room and saw it.

If you don't want him to ever tap or wrestle with, there are better ways of communicating it.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 17:11

Of course I leave her to play unsupervised! She is in her own house which is safe and child friendly, I have a stair gate so she has the run of the entire downstairs. I wouldn't ever get anything done if I had to stay in the same room as her!

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paxillin · 27/04/2016 17:15

You still haven't said if he was smacked when he was young. I think this is significant, as an adult living with a toddler he is in a sometimes-parental role. If he was smacked he might have mistakenly thought smacking is one of the tools he can use.

A friend of mine was smacked loads as a child and told me she smacked a child she was babysitting. She was surprised when I said I'd go nuclear if someone did that to my kids. For her (like for so many smacked children) smacking is a more serious form of telling off a child. For me, it's assault and by the sound of it for you, too. He might not have been aware.

Osolea · 27/04/2016 17:22

Then maybe in future you just shouldn't leave your dd alone with your step son. You can't control the way he behaves, but you can control whether or not your 2yo is allowed to annoy people who have no responsibility for her.

If you do want to leave them alone together, then ask your dss nicely to shout through to you if your dd is being annoying or doing anything she shouldn't, then reassure him you'll be right there if he does. You can ask him to do you that favour, you can't reasonably expect him to act as a surrogate parent who should follow all your hidden clues.

You have to take control over preventing this happening again, because it seems to have upset you way more than it did your dd, and in turn you have upset your dd and DH.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 17:28

There is no way I am restricting which rooms my dd is allowed into in case she annoys someone and their knee jerk reaction is to smack her! He was watching to in the kids to/playroom so she can be in there as well!

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acasualobserver · 27/04/2016 17:29

molehill > mountain

Griphook · 27/04/2016 17:30

Yanbu. It's not his place to be smacking her, and I not sure why he felt the need to call his dad.
I would be furious if I was in your position.

Believeitornot · 27/04/2016 17:30

Just talk to your dss like an adult. If one of my children hit the other, I wouldn't go raging to DH. I'd sort it myself. as you should have done. Going to dh puts up a wedge and reinforces that he is his son not yours.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 17:30

Anyway thanks for all of the replies, I don't accept that it was ok for him to tap/smack her because of the huge age difference I wouldn't accept it from anyone not just him and I will make sure he knows it is not acceptable and that he is not to do it again but I will talk to him about how he can deal with her and my other ds if they are annoying him.

Thanks again!

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