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AIBU?

DD saying DSS "smacked her"

147 replies

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 15:34

Stepson is 19 and lives with us, has done since he was 11.

DD who is 2 came into the kitchen earlier and saying "Mummy did this" and then proceeded to smack her leg, I asked her to tell me again and she said exactly the same thing, I then asked her why he did that and she said that she was trying to put a cushion in his face . I went in and asked dss why dd was saying that he had hit her on the leg and he just laughed and asked dd why she was "telling on him to Mummy' so then I asked him again and he said that she was shoving a cushion in his face while he was watching tv and he told her to stop but she didn't so he "tapped" her on the leg. I saw red and told him in no uncertain terms that I don't care what she did with the bloody cushion but he is to never ever hit/tap/smack her or whatever he wants to call it, this then involved much huffing about her annoying him and he then stormed upstairs and called his Dad.

DH just phoned and asked what was going on (dss now gone out) so I told him and he said well I've told him not to do it again but it was only a tap, so now I've gone mad at him and he has put the phone down on me!

FFS stepson is 19 years old, dd is 2 she can be bloody annoying as 2 year olds can but he is a man, how dare is bloody smack her on the leg for annoying him, I am so angry.

AIBU and over reacting?

OP posts:

Report

XiCi · 27/04/2016 16:02

Complete overreaction. Sounds like you have a real problem controlling your temper. You could have calmly told him you don't agree with any form of slapping however light, instead you've upset your DH and DSS and caused a big drama. Probably not a good idea to give your DSS both barrels in front of your Dd either!

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:02

Sibling horseplay when one is 19 and the other is 2?

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HermioneJeanGranger · 27/04/2016 16:02

And YY, if it was that hard, she would have screamed/cried and there'd be a mark there.

NOT that that means what he did was wrong, but I don't think it's worth having a massive fall-out over it.

shovetheholly · 27/04/2016 16:04

I think you should perhaps have got to the bottom of exactly what had happened - calmly - before reacting. A tap is nothing, a proper whack across the leg is something to be worried about, but I honestly highly doubt it was the latter. Your DH sounds like he has it calibrated about right - tell your DSS not to do it again, but it's no biggie really.

MangoMoon · 27/04/2016 16:04

YABmassivelyU and OTT in your reaction.

You shouted at DS until he had to leave to get away from you, and you shouted at your husband til he hung up on you.

If you don't approve of smacking then fair enough, but what you should have done was explain that to your step son - like a grown up parent.

I can't abide those who lose their temper to the point of shouting at people so much that the other person has to remove themselves from the onslaught tbh.

If I were you, I'd apologise to your stepson for your disproportionate reaction and then take that opportunity to explain to him that you won't condone smacking, tapping etc and why.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:05

He didn't have to leave the room because I was shouting he laughed at dd and asked her why she was "telling Mummy" then said "whatever" huffed and puffed and went off to his room..

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APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/04/2016 16:07

Shouting at both your DSS and your DH sounds ott. Are you stressed about something else?

Teenagers need to be taught how to play, care for and supervise small DCs. You can't rely on them magically knowing, and as PPs have said your DD wasn't crying, there was no mark and no loud skirmish. You took your DD's mime to mean he smacked her. He said he tapped her. If you want your family to treat your DD a certain way then you need to make that clear and agree on the rules.

Those rules have to include what happens when your DD is shoving a cushion in someone's face because, unlike you, I think you should care about that too.

AmysTiara · 27/04/2016 16:11

Way OTT.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:11

Mrs Hathaway just me and you then

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ChicRock · 27/04/2016 16:12

Wow, you massively over reacted. Do you often shout at people until they feel forced to leave your company? Did you tell your daughter off for shoving a pillow in her brother face despite being told to stop it?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 27/04/2016 16:14

I loathe the use of 'tap' as a euphemism for smacking, which is itself a euphemism for hitting. There's tapping someone on the shoulder to get their attention - that is not what one does when 'tapping' a child. It is hitting. And, as nobody, but nobody hits my children, I would be angry too. That said, I think you could have handled it more calmly.

MangoMoon · 27/04/2016 16:15

Actually, ChicRock made a good point - did your daughter get a telling off for shoving a pillow repeatedly into his face?

ArmfulOfRoses · 27/04/2016 16:19

I'm a bit surprised at the responses tbh.
I wouldn't expect any adult to "tap" any child of mine, particularly a 2yo, related or not.

wigglebum84 · 27/04/2016 16:21

Yabu!

You are really overreacting, I have a 2 year old and my brother is always play fighting and bashing her when messing about. He's like it with my 10 & 9 year olds too. In fact they all jump on him as soon as he walks through the door. He also has tea parties and plays hide and seek! Your poor DSS was having some fun with his sister, he'll probably not even want to play with her now.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/04/2016 16:22

I agree you totally over reacted, you can't pretend to not know that he didn't 'wallop' her given that she wasn't crying, there was no mark. He obviously felt it was in jest and not really in retaliation or he would have been defensive not laughing.

Absolutely fine to say to him 'please don't do that it's not how we want to raise her/never acceptable to hit out at a child even lightly' but not ok to rant rave and scream. Hardly showing restraint and non-violence from you!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/04/2016 16:23

Hold on. We've got people asking did a 2 year old baby get told off and others going mad that a 19 year old was told off. WTF is that all about.
The ever sympathetic mumsnet

corythatwas · 27/04/2016 16:24

I would be furious if I knew someone had hit my child.

Otoh I would not depend on a 2yo to demonstrate with what force a tap had been administered. If she showed it as being done with force, but was not visibly upset and there was no mark, her demonstration may not have been all that accurate. (remember niece at this age claiming that the cat had hurt her when the cat had been at the other end of the hall and had looked at her; also remember myself at rather older age claiming that mum had kicked me when she had gently moved my leg because I was deliberately blocking her way)

So in this situation I would hope I would be able to keep my calm and just spelling out the rules. No tapping or smacking of any kind, if your sister is pestering you just lift her away or ask me and I will come and deal with her.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:24

Wigglebum it wasn't play fighting, she annoyed him and instead of him telling me and asking me to deal with it he smacked her..

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DixieNormas · 27/04/2016 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:27

Just to clarify I wasn't screaming at him, he laughed and said it was a tap and I said I don't bloody care what she did with the cushion under no circumstances is he to ever hit her for being naughty, he is to come and tell me if he feels he can't deal with it like an adult..

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Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:27

No mark she is wearing tights

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Maryz · 27/04/2016 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stormtreader · 27/04/2016 16:29

He shouldnt have to come and tell you, 2 years old is old enough to understand "when someone asks you nicely to stop doing something, you should stop".
Otherwise he's going to get chased out of the living room every time the 2 year old decides that shes going to have some fun by winding him up.

Get both of them together, explain the "stop" rules, get your DSS to apologise for smacking her, get your 2 year old to apologise for not stopping when someone asks.

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 16:29

Never had a conversation directly with him about smacking but I also have a 7yo ds so he knows how we parent and he has never seen us smack..

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EweAreHere · 27/04/2016 16:30

If a stranger 'tapped' your daughter on your 2 year old daughter's leg because she was annoying them, everyone on here would go bonkers.

DSS is an adult and completely out of order. I'd have made it clear that it was not to happen again as well, and DH should be backing you up.

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