To be concerned about my intelligent child at school

[Moomoomango]

This is not a boasting post before I get accused! I am struggling with his intelligence not basking in parental glory!

My son is 4 and due to start school in September. He started talking at 8 months, and has never stopped. He is intelligent and head strong, the last 2 days he started to ask about house numbers - within about 10 minutes he had learnt how to recognise numbers up to 100. I've never tried to teach him more than 10 but I was amazed how quickly he absorbed the information. He is really into science and loves discussing ideas such as gravity, electricity, marine life (a particular passion). He loves doing experiments and will quite often talk about gasses such as carbon dioxide. He loves to dissect fish (one of his fave things to do is buy a fish at fish counter) or garden insects to inspect their insides etc. He will quite confidently explain the anatomy of a fish. I am by no means a pushy parent I just answer his questions and follow his lead.

He is thoroughly bored at pre school, the activities as much more directed at younger children, I feel. I went in today and he was just sat twiddling an abacus. He tells me it's boring and he hates it. Pre school say hes withdrawn and not engaged.

I was speaking to a ta friend of mine who said foundation is basically an extension of pre school, lots of play etc. I'm really worried he will become withdrawn from school if it's not stimulating him. I want him to enjoy school and feel happy and confident. Aibu to be concerned? Is foundation very basic in terms of learning? Or will they support very intelligent children? I'm purposefully holding him back from learning to read so that school can inspire him in that way but to be honest he's so close it's painful!

I just want my child to be supported to be who he is.

Off killing insects perhaps...

Canyouforgiveher Wed 27-Apr-16 00:31:15

"If you have a very intelligent or highly gifted child, I do think it is important to offer them something for that intelligence to work with. I don't think saying "forget intelligence, social skills are what it is all about" is enough. you kind of have to deal with the whole exact child you have.

In my experience reading can provide all that and more-it is like a wormhole into every world ever imagined. Music is also a good complex, gratifying workout for the brain. A 4 year old could easily begin learning an instrument and the elements of musical notation."

Absolutely agree with this.

But would add that imaginative play is another wormhole that opens up all sorts of doors. One does not exclude the other, though: I would expect any child of mine, gifted or not, to be offered the opportunity of all of these.

I agree that you simply cannot mention your exceptionally bright child without being massively put down on this site. People DO queue up to burst the bubble, it is not an edifying sight tbh. I don't have an exceptionally bright child, but I am a teacher and I have seen that it can be a challenge to provide appropriate activities for a child outside the norm.

I feel for the OP, especially given the other links. I hope she gets some reassurance.

The little boy does sound extremely bright.

He sounds great. I wouldnt worry about school. His class will contain a range of abilities and they are obliged to cater properly for all abilities. He may well be very clever, but hes still just a normal little boy too and will benefit from normal things

The IQ will get him into the Ivy League, the social skills that start off with water play and sand corner are what will help him translate IQ points into career success.

So much this.

Massive intellect with no social skills 9/10 is a disaster.

He sounds intelligent, but not so unusual that I'd worry. There will be other kids this advanced and further ahead and he will fit in well. Some kids start able to read and do quite a lot with numbers, others don't recognize letters yet. They all learn.

Just like some will be able to negotiate like mini diplomats and others can't share toys nicely. His needs don't sound that unusual, they will know what to do with him.

I don't think social skills are just another thing to learn like maths.

The majority of people on this thread seem to think so. All children have different levels of social skills and they either pick them up as they go or not.

Massive intellect with no social skills 9/10 is a disaster.

And very rarely happens.

Apart from on mumsnet.

What's wrong with a young child wanting to dissect a dead fish? Some people find this fascinating and I think OP's son sounds like a bright and curious little boy.

Too many children are raised in sterile environments these days surrounded by plastic shite and artificial tat.

OP, please don't underestimate the importance of play at this age. He will get lots of opportunity for that once he is in Reception but you need to ensure that his home environment remains really stimulating for him.

Alternatively, would home-ed be an option for you?

It does sound like he is at a crap pre school though.

Dd1 is a bright child, could read before school, add, subtract, interested in science etc... She started in Reception, no nursery, but went to lots of play groups/home ed groups. I wish in some ways I had sent her to nursery as socially she is shy and has struggled making friends in her new school, this has led to her being quite sad at times (resolved now, we moved at the end of year 1, year 2 now). Oh and in Foundation she learnt phonics with Year 1/2, it built on her knowledge and cemented what she already knew and she is now reading chapter books.

Dd2 was talking at 8 months in sentences, could count to 100 aged 3, can add and subtract, recognising some letters and some cvc words. She has been at nursery since September and is such a confident child. Lots of friends. I have no concerns about her starting Reception in September, the school nursery are already doing Reception level work with her and I am sure the F2 teachers will also give her appropriate work for her ability next year.

I do however support my girls at home, I give Dd1 projects on subjects she is interested in, as she loves finding out about new things, especially animals. Dd2 practises phonics, basic maths and letter formation, she likes to do this when dd1 is doing her hime work as she loves to copy her big sister. They enjoy these things, it is never a pressurised affair. If they are tired I don't bother and they mostly play.

I agree that you simply cannot mention your exceptionally bright child without being massively put down on this site. People DO queue up to burst the bubble

Yes but there's not really a 'nice' way you can tell an op who clearly thinks her son is exceptional that actually...he's not really (based on what he's doing by the ops info).

If the op had said her 4 year old was doing algebra and reading Jayne Eyre then bloody hell, of course that's exceptional...and her worries may have been slightly more realistic.

But counting to 100...nearly reading but not quite...and enjoying asking questions...I mean, they're pretty standard for a 4 year old, surely? No, not every 4 year old will be counting to 100 but some will be counting further. And there were plenty of 4 year olds in ds1's Reception class that were pretty fluent readers already, whilst others didn't know basic phonics.

I can remember fielding so many questions from both of mine about electricity and how it exists and exactly how it travels along wires and gets into your house and what it's made from and all the rest...and having to google some answers because the questions were so random I had no bloody idea how to answer them! Isn't that just what 4 year olds do?

Op's ds sounds like a bright kid but there's absolutely nothing in the op to indicate that he is so far past his peers or so advanced/intelligent that he would struggle in Reception IMO.

I'm actually fairly disgusted at myself that I just spelled Jane Eyre wrong

agree that you simply cannot mention your exceptionally bright child without being massively put down on this site. People DO queue up to burst the bubble, it is not an edifying sight tbh. I don't have an exceptionally bright child, but I am a teacher and I have seen that it can be a challenge to provide appropriate activities for a child outside the norm.

I feel for the OP, especially given the other links. I hope she gets some reassurance.

The little boy does sound extremely bright.

Great post, I really hope the OP is taking some consolation from this and other similar posts and realising that not everyone is judging her unfavourably.
Seriously, people post a load of comments criticising her and then wonder why she chose not to come back!

If you're concerned about your son OP, ask your GP to refer you to CAMHS, hopefully with a view to having an assessment from an Educational Psychologist, it sounds daunting but it really isn't and they can be really helpful in giving you tips to help your child with the academic side of things and socially/emotionally.

Best of luck and stay strong!

Telling the OP that academic intelligence without social skills is a disaster is not magically going to develop those skills in her child.

It would make more sense to make some positive suggestions. Here is what I would do:

let him read if he wants to- a good teacher will be able to cater for this and let him progress in his reading

see if you can find an activity that is not entirely dependent on your taking his lead- for instance a drama class or a sport where he can interact with others and learn a little adaptivity

never suggest to him (or even to yourself, because these attitudes will seep through) that only structured sit-down learning is "proper" learning. Learning is everything in life that you approach with the right frame of mind

if he complains of being bored, give him the tools to make a boring situation non-boring: discuss what could make a certain situation more interesting to him: for instance, he thinks a nursery game is boring: is there anything that could make it come alive for him

get him used to the idea that, on the whole, he is in charge of his own happiness

and was going to add (but can see that others have already done so), if you have actual concerns about his abilities to engage with the social/emotional side, look to have it investigated: there is support out there but you have to be prepared to fight for it

do not regard any emotional/social difficulties as inextricably linked to his academic ability: helping him to develop in another area is absolutely no threat to "who he is"

I agree the ops son sounds like a switched on clever little boy but not exceptional i dont mean to sound harsh or play down the little boy but exceptional is not really the attitude to take because the expectation will be to high and dismissing infant class before he has even started is setting school and child up to fail imo.

If your 4 y.o is bright, curious etc that is great and what you do with him at home sounds fine.

At pre school he needs to LEARN TO SOCIALISE with other dc and perhaps he is not so clever at that hey op?

So why are you intent on forging ahead at what he is already good at? Why wouldn't you be concerned at the fact he doesn't interact with other dc and perhaps do things to help with that?

Why wouldn't you be worried that he doesn't use his imagination at pre school/nursery and find 1000s of things to be interested in with sandplay, art and crafts etc?

My mil was hellbent on forging ahead with my dh's academic prowess at the expense of sport, music, and emotional development.

He went to university at 16 and at what cost? He was emotionally far too young!

All dc need friends, need to learn to share, be kind and helpful, well rounded individuals. The last thing you want is a charmless, unimaginative child who lacks social skills and thinks he is better than anyone else.

At Oxford where I did my D.Phil (doctorate) there were plenty of odd academics who lacked social skills that had a lonely and isolated life tucked safely up in the ivory towers as they weren't equipped be able to cope with a life outside it.

I had many of the OP's concerns in the run-up to my ds starting school (not so much dissection though). Turns out he really struggles in school as he has a type of developmental delay that means he can't focus on one voice in a noisy/overstimulated environment to the point that he actually can't hear it. So whilst his understanding of the world was (and continues to be) extraordinary, we're having to work on lots of extra support with the basics.

Mavis - have you come across this book? It was written by Dr Seuss' wife and it's all about what can happen if you overfeed a goldfish

I can imagine my little little boy (maths genius, natch) twiddling an abacus. They are quite therapeutic.

I do think it's fairly normal for some able or older children to outgrow preschool a bit in the summer and be kicking their heels ready for the next stage, especially if they are not drawn to imaginative play. It sounds like he's ready for school and will enjoy having a bit more structure.

Just "keep it real", don't be too keen to push the abstract. If he wants to count, give him a big pile of dried pasta or stones and let him work things out for himself. Now in Y2, DS's favourite subject is still maths, which is a testament to his very lovely teachers. I'm sure he makes a lot of extra work for them.

I agree that you simply cannot mention your exceptionally bright child without being massively put down on this site. People DO queue up to burst the bubble.

But it IS a bubble. The child is clever, but a class of 30 will have several children who can count to 100. Ours did a counting competition days after starting and each child got a certificate with the number they counted to. 100 wasn't rare. Go to the Natural History Museum's Explore lab. It is full of kids who know a lot about archaeology. Same for the science museum. Sure, they are more curious than many (or maybe better supported in their curiosity), but not so bright they won't fit in.

I would worry more about the rubbish pre school not engaging him at all, that is a problem. If the school he goes to is any good, they will know what to do with him (and with the other 5 or 8 kids in class who are fast learners).

It is amazing coming across a super intelligent child though. One of DH's university friends dd is. Wow. Embarrassingly DD2 is practically her twin and is the bright end of normal but this child was incredible.

Reading chapter books before she went to school. But what impressed us was her level of conversation and understanding.

DD2 "want banana"
Genius girl "I do like bananas but today I think I would prefer grapes thanks"

She was discussing with her father the fact he met DH at university etc. DD2 was struggling to ask us to put on her wellies.

blearyweary

And very rarely happens.

Apart from on mumsnet.

You clearly don't know many uber bright people , in my experience lack of social skills in the seriously bright is practically the norm.

Catkind

KindDogsTail, the way to make sure "brilliant" children don't crash as soon as they get challenged is to make sure they get challenged all the way along, not by pretending to a child who loves academics that academics aren't important.

I certainly did not mean to imply that academics are not important.

I also understand that it can be difficult when what a school is teaching is way behind a child's abilities. Say they give a list of spelling to learn the child knew three years before etc.

My concern is with valuing a child for their academic/musical/sporting successes over and above anything else.

It is easy for parents, who naturally take pride in their child's achievements, to inadvertently give the impression to the child that without these achievements they would not be loveable.

At school if labelled as brainy, that adds to the problem because it becomes an identity for the child. Being clever for his/her age becomes an identity...one day he she will not be the prodigy.

The child needs a full life, full of love and acceptance just because they exist. Friends, responsibility for people, animals and things around them, a part to play in a social group - as well as academics - in order to be emotionally safe, in my opinion.

Also adding challenge after challenge is just exhausting and not an answer on its own for making sure a bright child does not crash.

He enjoys killing and dissecting insects? You do realise that's the first early sign of being a serial killer?..seriously get over yourself whether he is intelligent or not 4 year olds should be having fun, not finding it boring I would be more worried about that tbh, let him be a 4 year old.