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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to feel hurt and upset by in-laws?

75 replies

upaladderagain · 26/04/2016 16:13

It's my birthday, and I'm at home this morning when I hear the postbox clatter. The postman has already been, so I go to see what it is. It's a birthday card from Mil and Fil, just popped through the letter box. There was no sign of their car, so they must have parked out of sight, run up to the door and posted the card, without ringing the bell, but walking right past my car so knowing I was in the house. It's a 40 minute drive from their house so it's not as if it didn't take some sort of effort to get here.
I felt hurt, angry and insulted (despite £50 in the card!) that they wouldn't even ring the bell to say hello. Husband came home about 10 minutes later, and I told him I was sorely tempted to ring them and tell them how I felt, but he asked me not to and said he would text his dad to ask them why they didn't ring. They've tried to call me but I haven't picked up. I don't want to rock the boat, as it was pointed out that they do this with other members of the family, so not to take it personally.
But should they know that by doing this they are upsetting and offending us?

OP posts:
Hariasa · 26/04/2016 16:14

Did they definitely know you were in?

HooseRice · 26/04/2016 16:15

Fifty quid is £50 quid.

19lottie82 · 26/04/2016 16:16

If they do it with other family members I wouldn't take it personally. Some people are just socially awkward like that.

A bit odd yes but I think YABU by saying you're "upset" and "offended".

My inlaws live a mile away, and have never been in our house we have lived in for a year, despite dropping DSD off outside at least once a week!

Helloitsme88 · 26/04/2016 16:17

Maybe they gave it to someone passing the house? Maybe they had things to do and didn't want to be rude. Have you got other things planned? I wouldn't drive 40 mins out my way to post a card. Bank transfer and Royal Mail. I think yabu as you don't know the full story and now are ignoring their calls

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 26/04/2016 16:17

Jeez you're being a baby about this. They gave you a card and £50. Maybe they had somewhere else to be and had to dash off? Maybe they got a friend to post it as they couldn't get away.

Do not ring them to berate them for only arranging a hand delivered car with £50 in it. You will sound deranged.

Waltermittythesequel · 26/04/2016 16:17

You're being a bit dramatic and ungrateful.

They could have been on their way somewhere and popped it in on the way.

If you feel that strongly, give them back their money.

Ameliablue · 26/04/2016 16:17

It is unsociable but I wouldn't be insulted by it as they have actually gone to a lot of bother and if they are generally not very sociable it is nothing personal.

Witchend · 26/04/2016 16:18

Plenty of reasonable reasons.

I'd have done the same as them. I hate (I know this sounds silly) being thanked for presents as they're opened. So I wouldn't have wanted to watch you open the card.
Equally well they may have thought dropping in for half an hour if you'd got something planned could be awkward, with you wanting to get ready and not.liking to stay.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 26/04/2016 16:18

But should they know that by doing this they are upsetting and offending us?

No. Just stop being upset and offended. Your life will improbe I guarantee.

BillSykesDog · 26/04/2016 16:19

YABVU. They gave you £50 and a card and tried to ring you and you're cross because they didn't come in? How ungrateful and rude.

I don't know why they do it, perhaps they feel embarrassed getting thanks for their (very generous) gift or just don't want to bother you? Plenty of DILs on here would be deeply unimpressed by visits without notice.

But, anyway. YABVU. They have remembered you, given you a generous gift and tried to call. And this is a shocking response to a very kind gesture.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 26/04/2016 16:19

Improve.

I don't know what improbe is but I'm fairly sure it's not something you want to think about with regards to your in laws.

monkeywithacowface · 26/04/2016 16:19

My SIL did the same on my birthday so I no longer involve myself in buying her birthday gift> Was rather amused with the confused looked at the tatty carnations and cheap wine DH handed over to her the other week for her birthday. Only difference for me is SIL wouldn't do this to anyone else. All I can suggest is do like they do. If they mean nothing by it then they won't be offended by you doing the same.

January87 · 26/04/2016 16:20

YABU they could have had someone pop it in while passing, they could have been rushing somewhere. They could have thought you might have popped out for a walk. There are any number of reasons why they didn't ring the bell.

They gave you a card, with money, it's the thought that counts.

Cop onto yourself.

PPie10 · 26/04/2016 16:21

If they do this to other people why do you expect more? You're being very childish by not answering the call. They made the effort to drop off a card and cash so just move on.

Twitterqueen · 26/04/2016 16:22

You're being an ungrateful drama queen and making a problem out of nothing. What exactly are you sulking about? Maybe they were in a hurry, maybe they're intimidated by you (and tbh, judging by your reactions detailed above, i'm already a bit intimidated by your reactions and making your DH text them :() , maybe they didn't want to disturb you.

And they gave you £50! I'd love £50 thank you if you don't want it.

oldjacksscrote · 26/04/2016 16:23

I'd bloody love it if my in laws did that! I wouldn't be insulted, it's obviously just something they do, they still drove 40 mins to get the card to you on your Birthday which is quite an effort to make if they were trying to be rude, which I don't think they were.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 26/04/2016 16:23

You're completely overreacting. Stop ignoring their calls, say thank you, and get on with enjoying your birthday. Definitely don't tell then they've upset and offended you. They will think you are mad, and incredibly ungrateful.

SaucyJack · 26/04/2016 16:24

So they gave you £50, and didn't even disturb you into geting up off the sofa and making them a cup of tea when relaxing on your birthday?

And you want to know if you are unreasonable to be offended?

Yes. Yes you are.

NoMoreGrimble · 26/04/2016 16:25

Wow, sometimes I think in-laws can't win! Maybe they were being considerate and didn't want to disturb you - doesn't sound as if you'd be particularly welcoming.

acasualobserver · 26/04/2016 16:27

I don't understand why you aren't picking up when they call? Please explain your reasons.

Waltermittythesequel · 26/04/2016 16:33

Did you even send a text to thank them?

Or was your first thought to text and have a go at them?

GummyBunting · 26/04/2016 16:34

I wouldn't say your ILs behaviour is odd, there's a number of reasons they would do that. Running late to something so just dashed out the car to pop it through the door, for example.

They gave you a card and £50 for your birthday, and you respond by being dramatic, angry, making your DH text them, and ignore their calls? You sound like a nightmare.

I feel sorry for them.

Maturecheddarcheese · 26/04/2016 16:38

I hate unexpected visitors. Maybe they didn't want to spring an unannounced visit on you?

willconcern · 26/04/2016 16:47

Sorry but I also think you're being overly dramatic and silly. Definitely do not ring and tell them you're upset! Do ring and say thank you for the card and money, and say "you should have rung the bell, I could have made you a cuppa".

FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose · 26/04/2016 16:47

Maybe they were on their way somewhat information a hurry.

Maybe they didn't want to intrude.

Maybe they didn't want to come in because they find you rude and deranged.

Maybe all of the above.

They gave you £50 ffs. What is wrong with you?

YABU. I cannot believe you got your dh to text them. How bloody rude and hurtful.

Lump of coal for you next year!