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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

.. to feel hurt and upset by in-laws?

75 replies

upaladderagain · 26/04/2016 16:13

It's my birthday, and I'm at home this morning when I hear the postbox clatter. The postman has already been, so I go to see what it is. It's a birthday card from Mil and Fil, just popped through the letter box. There was no sign of their car, so they must have parked out of sight, run up to the door and posted the card, without ringing the bell, but walking right past my car so knowing I was in the house. It's a 40 minute drive from their house so it's not as if it didn't take some sort of effort to get here.
I felt hurt, angry and insulted (despite £50 in the card!) that they wouldn't even ring the bell to say hello. Husband came home about 10 minutes later, and I told him I was sorely tempted to ring them and tell them how I felt, but he asked me not to and said he would text his dad to ask them why they didn't ring. They've tried to call me but I haven't picked up. I don't want to rock the boat, as it was pointed out that they do this with other members of the family, so not to take it personally.
But should they know that by doing this they are upsetting and offending us?

OP posts:
Pollaidh · 26/04/2016 17:49

I imagine they were being considerate - people don't like to drop in unannounced. Or maybe they were on the way to an appointment and didn't want you to think they'd forgotten you, or they have stinky colds and don't want to infect you. Most people mean well and you will have a happier life if you assume that, unless experience suggests otherwise with a particular person.

Or maybe they tried knocking or ringing but it wasn't working. Our bell is temperamental.

Or they felt awkward about giving cash and seeing you open it.

Phone them, thank them and as someone else suggested, say should have stopped by and you would have put the kettle on.

You are being weirdly ungrateful.

curren · 26/04/2016 17:50

Wow Yabu. My Sil does this all the time. I assume she is on her way somewhere or busy.

You have turned this into a pity party

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/04/2016 17:51

Sorry op but I'm peeing myself at yellow-bellied. I read it as yellow-bellend.

Grin
curren · 26/04/2016 17:53

Oh and if dh said he was going to call my parents and pull them up on something like this, I would tell him to get grip and not to call them

pinetree22 · 26/04/2016 17:54

Get over it, im lucky if i get a card

upaladderagain · 26/04/2016 17:55

Throughthick - sorry to have kept you waiting, only I was on the phone.

OP posts:
tiggytape · 26/04/2016 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loraflora · 26/04/2016 18:11

OP was being unreasonable, but since she's phoned ILs since, thanked them and had a friendly chat, is now being perfectly reasonable.

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 26/04/2016 18:15

They drove out of their way to make sure your card and gift arrived through your door on your actual birthday

they were doing a nice thing. You might find it odd that they didn't ring, but there was nothing hurtful in their actions. They prob didn't want to interrupt your birthday plans even if your plan was to sit in your pants reading MN all day.

baggyleggings · 26/04/2016 18:18

YABU. They sound a bit socially awkward but probably didn't want to disturb you or thought it would be a nice surprise. Personally I would be overjoyed at not having to talk to my ILs, especially if they gave me £50!

For God's sake don't start a row.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/04/2016 18:21

For an hour OP?? Your phone bill Shock

Anyway you have come back graciously, and good on you for doing so.

CaptainCrunch · 26/04/2016 18:25

My MIL does this. For DH's 50th she shoved a cheque for £3000 through the door and drove off at speed. Weird.

LineyReborn · 26/04/2016 18:27

So far away
Doesn't anybody read the damn thread anymore?
It would be so good to have an OP adored
Who phoned up her in-laws and said thanks, yay.

EllaHen · 26/04/2016 18:29

Far preferable to unexpected guests. I guess we are all different.

Don't take offence if there was none intended.

Chottie · 26/04/2016 18:33

Perhaps they're read all the posts on MN about ILs who have the cheek to just turn up without giving at least a week's notice Grin

Etainagain · 26/04/2016 18:40

YABU and very ungrateful. I would never turn up at someone's door unannounced because I hate it when people do it to me. I think they were being extremely considerate. It was very generous indeed to drive all that way and to give you such a large sum of money.

Gosh, I hope I never have a DIL like you.

IJustLostTheGame · 26/04/2016 18:42

Yabu.

Yanbu if it was £50 wrapped around a poo.

Etainagain · 26/04/2016 18:43

Sorry OP, I've just read the previous page and I feel bad about what I said now that you've explained yourself. I'm so pleased that you have sorted this out and that you have a good relationship with your MIL.

Totally take back the 'hope I never have a DIL like you'....you sound like a good one!

Whatthefoxgoingon · 26/04/2016 18:43

I'd be most pleased if in laws put £50 in a card without even asking me to entertain them Grin

Hellochicken · 26/04/2016 18:54

YABU but you know that now! I'd probably have wondered too. Having said that my parents have a large outbuilding, once my DH went in to get a screwdriver. He was in there a while, finding what he needed (5 mins), then he went further down the building and heard a noise, followed the noise and found my Dad backed into a corner clearly hiding from him. They get on great, my Dad really likes him and some similar interests, he is just not keen on absolutely hates spontaneous and most other social interactions.

Happy Birthday!

silvermantela · 26/04/2016 19:32

op this is one of the times I feel I live in a bizarro parallel world to most MNers. I wouldn't necessarily have been upset, as such, by their actions, but I would certainly have been very confused, which could then have led to some self-doubt and annoyance...because dropping off a card in such a way is weird.

  • If they were worried about waking you up, they could have knocked gently - then posted card if no answer
  • If you were wandering around in your pants/showering/didn't want to be disturbed again knock, if no answer, fair enough
  • If they didn't want to impose - just say hello, happy birthday, and then make an excuse to leave
  • If they were in a hurry - same

But driving for nearly an hour and a half to get there and back, parking way up the road, sidling past any windows ninja-style, dropping it through the letter box and then legging it back to the car, all to avoid actually speaking a few words to a member of their own family, is strange, strange, strange!

They seem very nice re:£50 and I'm glad you spoke to them and have had a nice day but I am very Confused at all the posters thinking you were somehow the unreasonable one!

silvermantela · 26/04/2016 19:35

I mean...why didn't they just post a cheque with card or do a bank transfer if they didn't actually want to see you on your birthday? It must have cost them at least an extra £15 in petrol to have driven 40 mins there and back only to deliberately not see you???

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 26/04/2016 20:09

For DH's 50th she shoved a cheque for £3000 through the door and drove off at speed

She did what?

Excuse me, would you like to swap MILs?

Mind you I love mine. But she doesn't drop cheques for 3k through the door and on top of that have the delightful courtesy not to wake me up!

Op, horses for courses, but it's nice that you had a lovely chat with her later on :)

Fidelia · 26/04/2016 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthel1ght · 26/04/2016 21:01

Happy Birthday OP.Cake

However yab a tiny bit u - there any any number of reasons but the most likely is they might have been passing en route to somewhere and just popped it through the door but not had time to speak

Pull up your big girl pants and speak to them! I bet they will be gutted you are upset.

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