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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel bad even writing this but....AIBU?

196 replies

Eliza22 · 25/04/2016 08:11

My DH is a good man. He works hard. Long hours, lots of travel.

We have a rule of no "devices" at the table. My DS (who has autism) used to like to bring his Nintendo ds to the table. Never to play but to have at the side of him. Years ago (when we married - DH is second marriage; DS is his stepson) we had words because DH would allow his own daughter to use her phone (texting) at the table and DH came down hard on DS for having his game device just next to him, unused.

So.... On Friday, me, DH and DS eating at the table. DH has his phone next to him (as HE usually does) and is constantly looking at it/typing. I said (tongue in cheek so as not to offend) "I thought we weren't supposed to use devices, at the table?!" DH fixed me with a condescending stare and said "I'm replying to important messages which allow ME to pay the mortgage". I was so upset. Maybe, over reacting? You see, I'm a sahm. I have a small income which goes into the family pot but contribute little to the financial setup. However, everything I do have, goes into the joint account. I do everything of a home-type nature....and I do mean everything. DS has only just gone back to school full time (he's now 15) due to bullying so yes, I'm aware that without dh's support, I couldn't look after DS in the way I have to.

AIBU to still, days later, want to tell him to shove his mortgage where the sun don't shine?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 26/04/2016 08:35

I'm so sorry but you are still wrong.
You determindly view yourself and your child as some kind of burden which DH kindly took on.

I don't know how you reached a point where you view your worth so poorly. It's tragic.

FlyingScotsman · 26/04/2016 08:36

Eliza you are married right?
And you have been married for at least 7 years?
And you have put all your savings into the house?

So yes legally you are entitled to half and for very good reasons.

You have nothing to be 'grateful' about your DH 'taking you on'. He didn't do that out of a charitable pov. he did it because it was giving him some advantages too. One is love and companionship (or I would hope so), others are someone who is doing all the domestic work, cleaning, washing his stocks etc... Another is support when his now adults dcs were at Uni etc....
Don't put yourself down.

All this shit is what he is saying/thinking/hoping to convince you. It doesn't mean it's the reality.

HPsauciness · 26/04/2016 08:46

OP your version of your life is the version he wants you to think. You are wrong about many things.

In marriage, people have value in and of themselves, not what they bring to the table economically. My husband has immense value to me, as my supporter, my companion, someone who loves me, who cares about my life- none of this is material. Why does your husband not value those things in you?

Either he doesn't, which is possible, or you yourself are suffering from depression due to your very difficult life circumstances and the problems with your son. The more you write, the more I wonder if this is the case, and that to some extent your relationship is being filtered through the fog of negative thinking and depression- you see yourself as a burden and have started to piece together 'evidence' from the odd thing he says which then confirms what you think. Now don't get me wrong, your husband may be not very nice as well, but your hopelessness is very typical of depression- have you been to the drs about this? Would you consider some type of counselling for yourself, as someone who is having an incredibly hard time?

Pagwatch · 26/04/2016 08:46

My sons issues are severe and he will be dependent for life.
If anyone suggested to me that living with him was a burden I would happily punch them in the face.
Living with him is hugely challenging, and tiring and filled with difficulty. It remains a privilege.
Whilst I understand totally the difficulties I'm pretty horrified at your acceptance that your DH is quite right to feel so negative about him.

And the fact that he thinks you should leave your 7 year marriage with nothing would drive me to the offices of a decent solicitor before I could say 'fuck you sparky'

Your posts are some of the most depressing I have ever read. Your not a silly woman, you are not unintelligent. Can you figure out somewhere you can go to get some counselling or advice because your mindset is unhealthy for you and your son.

Pagwatch · 26/04/2016 08:49

HP - I agree with everything you wrote. I think depression may be an acurate guess.

Op - I'm sorry I probably haven't articulated myself as kindly as HP and Scotsman but I agree with them. You need to adjust your thinking somehow.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2016 09:18

Op, I don't even know where to start with how wrong you are about your own worth

However, if I could urge you to do one thing it would be for you to get legal advice on where you stand should you split. I think you are labouring under some massive misapprehensions. Your husband does not make the rules.

HPsauciness · 26/04/2016 09:19

Pag I think you feel indignant and outraged on behalf of the OP. I feel the same, but it's also true that being a carer (as the OP's husband is too) is very difficult and it may be that everyone is getting more snipey and saying things they regret (I've said bad things at moments of stress).

Op I think you would benefit enormously from counselling as a space to start to articulate and find out where you can go from here, in all aspects of your life, not just with your husband.

Your husband is definitely wrong about the legal obligations, though, you don't 'go in with what you went in with' as you have added value to his career as well by keeping the household running and allowing him to travel during this time. A trip to see a lawyer/solicitor would confirm for you what you would be likely to receive, which would be more than he says.

MunchCrunch01 · 26/04/2016 09:35

Op, please do see a lawyer and get what you're entitled to, not what your 'D' H thinks you ought to get. He's failed to be a proper husband to you, he's too mean to think about his relationship as anything other than a cost-benefit test, that's not love, that's economic analysis. You do sound understandably a bit down but don't let your low self worth make your decisions.

Lweji · 26/04/2016 09:44

OP, your husband is an arse for marrying you, knowing your DS fully well, and now saying it's too hard and he gets nothing in return.

If that was so and he's sure he'll walk away with everything, then why hasn't he divorced you yet?
He's just enjoying putting you down and exercising control, IMO.

Do seek legal advice.

Your husband has chosen to work long hours and to marry you. I'm sure there's a lot he's getting from being married to you, but he'd rather make you feel grateful and under his dominance. As he kindly reminded you when he mentioned he paid the mortgage.
Do get out. This is no way to live and the older you get the more difficult it will be.

TeddTess · 26/04/2016 10:01

You sound so sad, and probably depressed, please see your GP.
I also reiterate the other posters. you do not "get out what you put in". It doesn't work like that. Your dh does not make the rules. if you would like to leave but think you financially have no choice get some legal advice and play hard ball. You have "cared" for him as well as your ds for a long time. You have enabled him to earn a good salary, you will be entitled to a portion of payment/pension/house equity. Don't let him convince you otherwise and don't think you haven't "earned" it or don't deserve it.

TendonQueen · 26/04/2016 10:03

The ongoing problem with his daughter is one he should have addressed a long time ago. Instead he has gone along with her not very mature decision to blame you. That's one burden he need not be carrying now if he'd done things differently.

As for you and your son being 'not worth it', I can't tell you how angry that makes me. How dare he say that to human beings he lives with and claims to love? On what basis is he 'worth it' - the money he earns? Does that justify his unfair rules designed to make you both feel inferior? Kick back on your son's behalf if not yours. He sounds like a decent kid who has things he struggles with. He deserves a life of kindness and respect as you do.

exaltedwombat · 26/04/2016 11:06

Sounds like you need to lighten up on the rules

OnlyLovers · 26/04/2016 11:09

OP, please listen to Pagwatch.

You are worth A LOT. You are not a 'burden' (dreadful misogynistic Victorian guilt word) and neither is your son.

Original poster
Eliza22 · 26/04/2016 11:16

Exalted ? Which "rules"? It wasn't MY rule. It was DH's who then breaks that rule and checks the cricket/football/snooker scores! I frankly try to go against the grain as infrequently as possible. For all the reasons I've already given.

OP posts:
angielou123 · 26/04/2016 11:22

And so it begins.......

I'm joking, an off day hopefully and he might even feel a bit bad about the comment which probably left his mouth faster than his brain thought of it.

sjojolove · 26/04/2016 11:39

i would feel bad and i would feel like i have every right to feel bad. Just talk about it, solve it?

Inertia · 26/04/2016 11:42

He's wrong. You wouldn't get out of the marriage what you put in, you would get what a judge deemed to be an appropriate split of the marital assets.

It goes deeper than the electronics at the table. It's about him making the rules, allowing his favourites to break the rules, humiliating you when you question him, keeping you and your son in your places. Reading your comments about how good your husband is for taking on the 'burden' of you and your son, and how he'd cast you away with nothing, is heartbreaking- it's like reading a novel from the 18th century. He married you willingly, you pooled your assets, you now have shared marital assets- he doesn't get to be lord of the manor and throw you and your son out into a life of peasantry.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 26/04/2016 11:45

I think you should do whatever will be best for your DS OP, which might well be ending your relationship with DH.
I wish you both (you and DS) every happiness for the future x
Things can be better than this Flowers

supersop60 · 26/04/2016 11:51

I have come to realise that snappy remarks like your DH's reply are often born out of guilt. he knew he was in the wrong, but tried to make it your fault.
So YANBU.

user7755 · 26/04/2016 11:56

Eliza - I have sent you a pm about potential idea for job for nurses which don't involve all the shift work / heavy hands on work.

user7755 · 26/04/2016 11:56

Just realised that that sounds like it's an invitation for Forever Living or Utility Warehouse - it isn't!

Lweji · 26/04/2016 11:58

I would also add that because you put everything you had into the house, you have actually invested more than your husband.

All your assets and your whole life are invested. Unlike him, it seems.

happygoluckylady · 26/04/2016 11:58

Echoing the words of so many wise posters. You sound lovely but ground down by this bully. You're worth a lot more than that and are still a young woman with many years ahead of you. I really wish you all the best. Kick that bully into touch.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 26/04/2016 11:59

I'd also support the suggestion that both you and DS would benefit from some counselling support, especially as you say DS has talked about suicide.
I have lost loved ones this way and it's the worst thing ever for a family Sad
Take good care of your dear boy x

  • With every good wish for your future life Flowers
Stormtreader · 26/04/2016 12:02

"DH has said that if I leave, I take what I put in. That's it."

This actually weirdly reminds me of a comment on a thread yesterday about people being cheeky. A group of friends go out, each puts £20 into a pot, and thats used to pay for the rounds as people go up to the bar. One person decides they dont want to stay out as late as the others, and wants her share back out. Not the change, the entire £20.

Thats what your DH is asking for. He knew the situation when you got married, hes been enjoying the perks of "the drinks in the round", having you as his wife to manage the house while hes off working, progressing his career, while you lost your own potential career progression. Now hes decided that if this situation ends, he wants his whole £20 back. It doesnt work that way.

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