I feel bad even writing this but....AIBU?

[Eliza22]

My DH is a good man. He works hard. Long hours, lots of travel.

We have a rule of no "devices" at the table. My DS (who has autism) used to like to bring his Nintendo ds to the table. Never to play but to have at the side of him. Years ago (when we married - DH is second marriage; DS is his stepson) we had words because DH would allow his own daughter to use her phone (texting) at the table and DH came down hard on DS for having his game device just next to him, unused.

So.... On Friday, me, DH and DS eating at the table. DH has his phone next to him (as HE usually does) and is constantly looking at it/typing. I said (tongue in cheek so as not to offend) "I thought we weren't supposed to use devices, at the table?!" DH fixed me with a condescending stare and said "I'm replying to important messages which allow ME to pay the mortgage". I was so upset. Maybe, over reacting? You see, I'm a sahm. I have a small income which goes into the family pot but contribute little to the financial setup. However, everything I do have, goes into the joint account. I do everything of a home-type nature....and I do mean everything. DS has only just gone back to school full time (he's now 15) due to bullying so yes, I'm aware that without dh's support, I couldn't look after DS in the way I have to.

AIBU to still, days later, want to tell him to shove his mortgage where the sun don't shine?

Maybe accepting that in effect you don't currently have a no devices at table rule would be worth doing (apart from all the other issues around respect)
Perhaps have a discussion about how you both feel about that issue?
I'd say that particular battle may not be worth fighting.
Though other battles may well be.

You say
I think maybe I should stop whinging and be happy to be in the position I'm in.
This is why he thinks it's ok to humiliate you ( and in front of your ds) for not having a job. If you want to change anything, you need to communicate to him that in fact you weren't happy with his comment.
Unfortunately I don't believe it's easy to change a person, and every time you remain quiet it's only going to get worse.

My ex contributes the standard guideline for maintenance. I receive Carers Allowance. DS receives DLA which as I say, all goes into one account.

DH always reassures me that MY contribution financially is relevant. But deep down, I wonder. To the poster who said my day is probably longer on average than his, yes, I think often it is. I think a tiring aspect of dh's work is the travel but he is the well "cared for" in terms of good hotels etc. I canoften still be doing laundry at 10pm and DH has made a big deal of emptying the dishwasher "for me" in the past.

A man is patronised and belittled, then you're all falling over yourselves to point out how he didn't reply properly. Don't be passive-aggressive, do appreciate that when someone's trying to work, they don't need to be treated like a baby, and Christ, don't let every fault in your relationship fester.

You seem like a nightmare, OP, your poor husband.

Eliza

💐 Life isn't easy is it... 🙁

You are definitely stuck between a rock & a hard place. It is far harder when your child isn't your husbands or when your child has autism, and when it's both, it's beyond hard (especially if your partner is an arse).

You are currently trading your own happiness, sense of worth, life really, to be there for your DS. You aren't the first & sadly you won't be the last woman person in this position.

I'd be taking a very, very good look at how life would be if I left him and if I thought my DS could cope with it, I'd leave. If I didn't, I'd stay until he was older/in an independant living situation, then leave. Anyone who thinks this is calculating is right, but he's brought it on himself and my child would come first.

But, please, you really have to stop looking at this as 'being privileged' and see it for what it is, providing domestic (and I do mean domestic, not sexual) services in exchange for being able to be a SAHP while your DS needs you there. I'd move into a separate bedroom, there's no way I could sleep beside, or have a sexual relationship with, a man who treated me the way your H does.

He is NOT a good man, nor father (to your DS at least). He's a nasty bully.

💐

Also, I HATE confrontation. DS has massive anxiety and OCD to go with the autism. It's a big ask of DH. To add to the problem, and I've posted on here many times about this, his youngest daughter will only see DH if I'm not involved. So, I think he resents this. "Putting up with DS" and not seeing much of his 22 yr old daughter because she took our marriage very, very badly. He has 2 other grown up "kids" who thank God, are delightful and have always shown kindness to DS and me. (Just to add....I met DH years after his divorce from their Mum)

I would be out of that relationship like a shot. Sorry but I just couldn't live with a man who does nothing around the house, working or not, thinks emptying the dishwasher is a huge task and can't take the slightest critism without chucking a teenage strop and refusing to speak to me. Marriage is for grownups imo.

beefthief

Missing the point entirely. Just for a change.

Try reading the OP's posts at least.

Get real, beefthief.

Thats not even worth dignifying with a proper response.

beefthief did you miss the part where op says that if she raises concerns in a direct way, as opposed to passive aggressive, he doesn't talk to her for days?

Alexa. It's just not always that easy when you have a child with autism (OCD & anxiety) as well. 🙁

Beeftheif. I wasn't being patronising. I was trying to point out to him that him constantly on his phone whilst eating a meal is not good. It takes 15/20 mins to eat, or thereabouts. I said it half jokingly to avoid the consequences of going against him.

I still don't think it's always work. As I say, it's very often Twitter.

It was his choice to take you and your DS on. If he's not fully on board, he shouldn't be with you. Regardless of your ds's needs or his dd.

In the immediate term, I'd have a family meeting and establish ground rules, so that either your ds is allowed his device or your oh is not allowed his.
A talk about how coments about financial contributions trumping others are not acceptable and may end up in LTB is also due.

Eliza22
Just ignore the goaders.

A man is patronised and belittled, then you're all falling over yourselves to point out how he didn't reply properly. Don't be passive-aggressive, do appreciate that when someone's trying to work, they don't need to be treated like a baby, and Christ, don't let every fault in your relationship fester. You seem like a nightmare, OP, your poor husband.

Does anyone else ever wonder how some people can read threads so differently to others?

Checking sports results isn't working. And unless he's an on-call surgeon or fire-fighter, work can wait for the duration of a meal.

There's a difference between people who say bad things when tired/in arguments/stressed and someone who's generally not a nice person and toxic to be around most of the time - you're the only one that knows which one your DH is, he doesn't sound decent from this evidence so far.

I'm very aware that thanks to DH, I am in a privileged position. I think maybe I should stop whinging and be happy to be in the position I'm in.

He is also in a privileged position. He has someone who takes on all the domestic work and responsibility so that he has to neither do it nor pay for it. Add up the rough costs of a cleaner/childcare/whatever else makes up the work you do. Would he be OK with paying for that?

Being subjected to immature sulks and silent treatment is not something to be happy about.

He sounds like my dad. In other words, a complete arsehole.

Is Beefthief for real???

Beefthief Quit the blaming bullshit and work on a solution.

Well said OnlyLovers, he is indeed in a privileged position

No yanbu. I hate these attitudes because imo bringing up children is the hardest job in the world.

Having to give up a career because you are a carer for a child with ASD and OCD is not being in a priviledged position. Imo it's harder than going to work. Not to mention you doing all the work connected to the home allows him to pursue and enhance HIS career and earning potential.
Just because he pays the mortgage (which you are contributing by putting all your allowances to btw) does not make him 'a good man'.

Someone snapping because they're being patronised while trying to work doesn't mean they're a bad person. also, you seem to think that a rule that was established seven years ago and has been routinely ignored is worthy of mentioning in a passive-aggressive way? I don't think you're coming out great, here.

Given that OP has said this is the only way she can tackle blatant hypocrisy without being on the receiving end of anger and then blanked, I think it's him who's not coming out great. You have whatever opinion you want beef but it's in the minority.