I feel bad even writing this but....AIBU?

[Eliza22]

My DH is a good man. He works hard. Long hours, lots of travel.

We have a rule of no "devices" at the table. My DS (who has autism) used to like to bring his Nintendo ds to the table. Never to play but to have at the side of him. Years ago (when we married - DH is second marriage; DS is his stepson) we had words because DH would allow his own daughter to use her phone (texting) at the table and DH came down hard on DS for having his game device just next to him, unused.

So.... On Friday, me, DH and DS eating at the table. DH has his phone next to him (as HE usually does) and is constantly looking at it/typing. I said (tongue in cheek so as not to offend) "I thought we weren't supposed to use devices, at the table?!" DH fixed me with a condescending stare and said "I'm replying to important messages which allow ME to pay the mortgage". I was so upset. Maybe, over reacting? You see, I'm a sahm. I have a small income which goes into the family pot but contribute little to the financial setup. However, everything I do have, goes into the joint account. I do everything of a home-type nature....and I do mean everything. DS has only just gone back to school full time (he's now 15) due to bullying so yes, I'm aware that without dh's support, I couldn't look after DS in the way I have to.

AIBU to still, days later, want to tell him to shove his mortgage where the sun don't shine?

Knowing exactly what the reaction will be, doing it in front of the children and trying to get away with it by dressing up criticism as passive aggressive jokes suggests that the criticism is neither infrequent, sensitively done or constructive.

heron are you saying that because he is the main wage earner (not the only one, the OP is a carer so has an income of her own, albeit much less I am sure), then he should be able to do as he oleases, incl telling off children to do things that he is doing himself, whilst blatantly lying to his DW (something I'm sure he would be most upset about if it was one of the dcs again)???

In all honesty I might well have done it in exactly the same way the OP did if I was in a bad mood. And my DH might well have sulked. However I wouldn't walk away from it thinking I was an blameless martyr and he was an absolute bastard. I'd realise that we both get frustrated sometimes and were both being a bit of a dick at the time.

But it's not really symptomatic of a healthy relationship if it's happening all the time is it? Criticisms dressed up as passive aggressive jokes in front of a child. The best thing would be to bring it up later calmly. But even the most reasonable criticism can be part of a 'drip, drip' effect where it becomes unreasonable because frequent criticisms of minor things and undermining in front of the children grinds you down and makes you feel like shit.

It's not just the sulking though is it Bill - he has belittled her contribution and tried to shut her up by pointing out that he pays the bills (implying that this affords him a more privileged position in the family). Even as one off this would scare the bejeezus out of me if Iwas financially dependent on him.

I am often a bit about the LTB responses so I completely agree with you that given we don't know what the rest of the relationship is like it would be irresponsible to advise this - but I would encourage OP to discuss their working/financial agreements. Plus as unromantic as it sounds - everyone should have a back up plan.

And to be honest, I know what the word criticise means and if the OP says that's what she's doing then I'm happy to take her word for it.

You're slightly missing my point. None of us can judge for sure what the word 'criticise' means on this thread, used by the OP. It could just mean saying things tongue in cheek, as she tried to in the instance she's posting about. It doesn't necessarily mean she is aggressive or unpleasant about it. It is one word in a long post about an event, and I stand by my contention that it is not much to hang a whole argument on.

I doubt it's very nice for him to work the long hours he does to support the family then come home to be criticised and feel his work is unappreciated either.

I think trying to bring up issues, in a tongue-in-cheek way or otherwise, is not comparable to sulking, silences and not speaking for a week as 'punishment'.

I think some people are also ignoring the context in which the op made the comment.
The OH was critical of her DS, who has autism, having his phone by the table, even if not using it. They implemented the rule of no devices. He blatantly ignored it (and keeps ignoring it) instead of being an example. Particularly if the boy has autism, it is probably more difficult to explain any differences in rules.
As it is, I think a reminder of the rules is only fair. And something that ds does to me which I take in fairness instead of pointing out that I pay for his keep.

So Bill How would you have done it if you weren't in a bad mood?

Serioulsy, I would like to know who you are telling someone they are acting like an arse without them feeling criticised.
I personally have used different techniques that were all supposed to avoid that trap of 'criticsing' the other person with DH. I have never found one where I can say wo a doubt, this is not a criticism, there is no way he can take it badly -even though I'm telling his he vapour is appauling--. Fwiw, what has worked with DH the best is to make light of it and gently laughing at him for doing the very same thing he is telling the dcs not to do..., so something similar than what the OP has done.

So what is your technique?

Oh yes, "don't criticise me" basically makes it impossible to raise anything you'd like the other person to do differently. Just as well all partners are perfect as they are

OP, on any thread about a man the OP will always be informed by some twat that her DP/DH is a very God on earth and you should be ecstatic to lick the gunk from between his toes. Usually the MRAs are very obvious, don't bother yourself responding to them. i rarely even finish reading their comments these days.

Now that's out of the way, it's clear that you and your DS are getting a raw deal here. But as you say, you're kind of stuck for the time being. Do the best you can with your time, do you drive, are your skills up to date? Prepare for work as best as you can, while supporting your DS the best you can, and at some point in the future you will be independent again and not have to tread on eggshells in your own home. Try and squirrel money away into a separate account too. You may be able to work things out, but it does no harm to work on an exit strategy too. In fact it can save your sanity sometimes!

You know what? I think we're all pretty unhappy. DH is keeping us and isn't happy about it. I'm virtually useless beyond being the cleaner. DS is a young man full of anxiety about "will we have to leave? Where will we go?" Every time he senses tension ie. DH is unhappy and just disappears from our lives until I cajole him into talking to me again.

I'm I coined to agree. It's time to call it a day. I often think I'll leave DH because I know how much better off he'd be without us. He's a good job, he'd get his daughter back again and he'd move in rather quickly, I think.

I don't know what happened to me. I used to be a quietly confident person. I met DH and I was a nursing sister. I had a responsible job where people valued my opinion and experience. Then, DS became quite ill. DH was never home. I've no family nearby. I moved North to be with DH. His daughter made it very clear she'd never accept me (I was fine as a girlfriend but he wasn't supposed to marry me). Shifts became impossible. In Yrs 9 and 10, DS was only in school for 4 hrs a day. I've no idea where I became this dependant woman who has just given up basically. I really felt when we got together that I had much to offer DH and we were very lucky to have each other. I now feel like a millstone around his neck.

Fuck me, I'm tired. And his daughter's probably right. I'll never be good enough.

I don't think it's a coincidence that you've lost your confidence and self esteem since you've been with him

Don't do yourself down

Start planning your exit. A friend of mine who had been a nursing sister many years previously retrained as a HV and now juggles being a working single mum to two dc very successfully

She made some (in hindsight) unwise decisions for the sake of a man too. She is much, much happier now

This rubbish isn't your fate. You need to look very hard for your kick ass attitude. It's still in there somewhere.

Oh, and I'm 54 btw. Not really in the "start all over again" age bracket.

Am well aware that DH, if we split, owes us nothing beyond the monies we contributed to the mortgage, when I married him. I'm not a gold digger in any way and feel awful that I don't contribute much financially.

Jesus Christ, he has really done a number on you

You have potentially over a decade of working life left. You have choices.

Eliza

I don't work. I stay at home with my two children and apart from child benefit and tax credits I don't contribute anything to the house hold.
My dh works 40-50 hours a week to pay all the bills and rent. He expects nothing from me apart from to take care of the dc.

If I had a terrible day and no cleaning is done (which he didn't expect in the first place btw) he would say don't worry about it. I'll do it.

If I do the cleaning, he says thank you and sends me to sit down whilst he takes care of both dc so I can have a small break.

Just because you feel you don't contribute anything doesn't mean he shouldn't appreciate you

Adding to what AF said, you have been married for a very long time. Every assets would split and that means you are entitled to half of the house.
And he DOES own you a lot. All of you. Starting by his dc who is disabled.. And you to have allowed him to carry on working with all the travelling etc... whilst you were doing all the work of looking afetr a disabled child.

Don't put yourself down like this or think he will have everything and you will have nothing.

Oh and looking after a child who is disabled on your own because said husband is never there IS contributing!

OP, you sound lovely.
Please take all your talents and apply them to forging a better future for you and your son. 54 really isn't old, even if you were 70 I'd advise you to look for better. Maybe your husband can turn around and improve things if he sees you changing. Maybe not and you won't care about it anymore as you're moving on.

Largely agree with your comments Flying and think in a second marriage good if can work towards thinking of all DC as "ours" but just to say the DH is not the father of the DS which just complicates everything a bit.

I'm sorry if you feel things might be moving towards an ending of the relationship OP - just because that is hard, at least in the short term. Sometimes, taking a long view, it can be harder to stay though I guess.
You have to do whatever feels best for you and DS x

Don't be daft, you're entitled to half the assets.

DS is not hid child.

Oh OP

It sounds as if you've done a lot of thinking today. Whatever path you take, there will be challenges and obstacles to overcome. I'll just say - this is your life, and your son's life. They are the only lives the two of you are ever going to get. Do you want to spend the rest of yours being this unhappy? I think you deserve better than that.

I feel sad reading about your son's anxiety and asking 'will we have to go?' I think you both deserve better. I hope you will come to believe that.

Eliza

I'm 54. I gave up a senior role to look after our son who has autism and to be at home and enable my DH to work long hours.

I'm you basically.

So can I just tell you how wrong your 'I feel dreadful for not contributing financially' shit is?
I have made as much of a contribution to the well being health and happiness in this home as he has. I fascilitate his life. I support his children. I am his wife and an equal partner and when you start talking down the value of women like you and I, it makes me extremely irritated.

If you are basically mouthing the same crap he believes the you need to sit down and have a think about it.

If DH and I split I'm having half. I fucking earnt it. It's mine.
He totally agrees.

Adjust your attitude and try and get off the floor will you?
I'm just stating a new business at 54. I'm working every day in a totally new industry. I'm proving to be pretty good at it.
We are exactly the same.

Pagwatch, we share many similarities. Yet we are not really in the same position. My DS is DH's stepson. DH has three grown up, well education "through Uni and now in good jobs" offspring who are independent. My Ex has very little to do with our son. Ex left a month after diagnosis, when DS was 4 yrs old. I was a single mum for 5 yrs. DH and I have only been married for 7 yrs and beyond putting everything I had into the mortgage (it wasn't that much after 5 yrs in my own with an Ex who paid the bare minimum in maintenance and left me with a heft mortgage. DH and I don't own "joint assets". There's no 50/50 split to come, quite rightly. DH has said that if I leave, I take what I put in. That's it. He has no obligation (again, rightly) to support me or my son.

I have no idea what else I could "do". I was pretty "one track" for 26 yrs and I would not go back into nursing now, at my age as I do not feel able to commit again to a junior role, the massively unsocial hours and the sheer physical and mental strength required, in nursing. I have applied for posts which were part time, low paid health care assistant/phlebotomy/GP surgery reception work but, have not been successful. If I were very lucky, I might get some work at one of the larger chain supermarkets but it will not allow me to get any kind of mortgage, on such a salary at my age.

It sounds now like I'm staying with DH for the lifestyle benefits. I cling to the memory of when we first got together and he and I were very different people. The strain on our marriage caused by a) his daughter and b) looking after someone else's child (now young adult) has taken its toll massively.

I think you're right. I am "on the floor". I actually feel sorry for my DH. What he has now, he never would have chosen. He has told me before that we're (me, but DS is included by association) not worth it". By that, he means all that he has to do. All that he gives and receives so little, in return. Since that revelation, I have essentially gone into "I should leave for everyone's sake" mode yet cannot see how on earth I can offer DS a safe environment/home, alone.

I do feel grateful that DH took us on. It's a big ask. My DS is a very bright Aspie-type. But, he is a self harmer, he has spoken often of ending his life, I have looked at him at times and wished I had the courage to help him. I see a future of dependence for him and I can't do that to DH. The dynamic would be very different obviously, we're he not his stepson.

Sorry, forgot to say, Pagwatch. Good luck in your new venture. Good for you!