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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel bad even writing this but....AIBU?

196 replies

Eliza22 · 25/04/2016 08:11

My DH is a good man. He works hard. Long hours, lots of travel.

We have a rule of no "devices" at the table. My DS (who has autism) used to like to bring his Nintendo ds to the table. Never to play but to have at the side of him. Years ago (when we married - DH is second marriage; DS is his stepson) we had words because DH would allow his own daughter to use her phone (texting) at the table and DH came down hard on DS for having his game device just next to him, unused.

So.... On Friday, me, DH and DS eating at the table. DH has his phone next to him (as HE usually does) and is constantly looking at it/typing. I said (tongue in cheek so as not to offend) "I thought we weren't supposed to use devices, at the table?!" DH fixed me with a condescending stare and said "I'm replying to important messages which allow ME to pay the mortgage". I was so upset. Maybe, over reacting? You see, I'm a sahm. I have a small income which goes into the family pot but contribute little to the financial setup. However, everything I do have, goes into the joint account. I do everything of a home-type nature....and I do mean everything. DS has only just gone back to school full time (he's now 15) due to bullying so yes, I'm aware that without dh's support, I couldn't look after DS in the way I have to.

AIBU to still, days later, want to tell him to shove his mortgage where the sun don't shine?

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 25/04/2016 09:30

Yeah I have to say I've revised my opinion based on your latest update op. I'm always very uneasy when I hear about men ignoring their partners for days because they dare challenge them. I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but it does sound like he's a bit of a dick who views you, your contribution and your ds as somewhat inferior/ subordinate. The fact that you don't feel able to raise concerns unless in a 'tongue in cheek' way does suggest you spend a lot of time walking on eggshells around him.

TendonQueen · 25/04/2016 09:31

After your second post, it became crystal clear that he's a hypocrite. I would now go the other way with this and you and your son should bring devices to the table. When he objects, calmly assert that things have changed since he and his daughter both use devices there, not always for urgent reasons, so you will not support a rule that only applies to some family members and not others any more. It's harder to stop him using his than it is to announce you will no longer observe his unfair rule. He can 'frown on it' all he likes. Take the power back. And when he sulks, let him.

PregnantAndEngaged · 25/04/2016 09:36

Whether you're being unreasonable or not, if it's still upsetting you days later you need to speak to him about it.

Therealyellowwiggle · 25/04/2016 09:39

I sometimes say I'm doing work on my phone when I'm on mumsnet.
Your dh needs a big talk OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/04/2016 09:39

Op I'd like to disagree with your very first sentence in your first post. He's not. He's an abusive arsehole.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2016 09:42

OP, he is not a "good man"

JugglingFromHereToThere · 25/04/2016 09:45

It's fundamentally about respecting one another and each person's contribution to family life isn't it?
I think whether or not contributions are exactly equal - they are usually somewhat different so would be a very difficult thing to judge anyway - there should be a lot of respect and grace.

But another thing is maybe as a family you aspire to having a rule of no devices at the table but for various reasons you don't manage to keep to this 100%.
Maybe look at softening this idea a bit - have it as more of a guideline than an absolute rule?
Think a bit more about why you think this is a good idea, would there be any exceptions etc.

wheelofapps · 25/04/2016 09:46

After your update - yes, he is a complete Arse.

So, one rule for him (and his dd) and one for you and your ds? = Arse

Silent treatment if you disobey / question him = Arse

Sniping about you 'getting work' when you have a child with a disability = Arse

Your language for him: 'very cross' 'not speak to me' 'ignored for a week'
Your language for you: 'powerless'

HE IS AN ARSE.

Thanks
Lweji · 25/04/2016 09:47

Does he see your DS as his son or as a burden?

I imagine you do all the housework for your OH too?

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 25/04/2016 09:56

DH does this sometimes, I come down on him like a ton of bricks when he does. It's demeaning, ungrateful (in that it doesn't show gratitude and respect for what a SAHM does) and shouldn't be tolerated.

My biggest fear is that the behaviour reflects what he actually thinks and how he values our separate roles.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/04/2016 09:58

So, the underlying message from him is that he thinks you should contribute more financially to the pot. Do you think you should? (Note I have no experience of autism)

She does contribute financially to the pot and there is a good chance if he is not a high earner her contribution is worth far more than his.

I am a high earning lone parent some of my children are disabed (ASD) in the interests of fairness I will pick my most able child.

For me to go to work and come and go as I please it costs me almost 3k a week rising by an additional 1500 if that involves over nights and that is just the one child, if I add on the house aspect of it it goes up by another couple of hundred quid a week

NotdeadyetBOING · 25/04/2016 10:00

YANBU.

I think you were entirely fair in what you said. Sound like you said it in a teasing tone to try not to put his back up. All advice about this devices stuff is that adults must model the behaviour they want their children to follow. So no devices at the table must apply to you and DH too.

And as for the cheap comment about the mortgage…. I would have been really upset and angry. Perhaps you need to have a talk about things. If he genuinely feels you are not pulling your weight - what does he propose? Can you work? If so - what happens about childcare/house stuff etc. Does he suggest paying someone to come in and do that? And what will they cost? Push him on it.

Snide comments are unhelpful. If there are real issues to be discussed they shouldn't be raised like this.

SilverBirchWithout · 25/04/2016 10:03

I would personally would start planning on leaving this bullying pompous arse.

Explain calmly and simply that you are no longer prepared to put up with his controlling ways. He has a choice, he can start behaving reasonably or you/he leaves.

Lweji · 25/04/2016 10:06

I did try to get work which fitted along with DH travelling abroad a lot but it was nigh impossible.

Because your DS needed supervision? Or something else?

If you end up living alone and on benefits, or with limited work hours, is that worse than living with such a person?

Pagwatch · 25/04/2016 10:09

Oh lord, your update is terrible.

My son has autism. I stopped work to care for him. My DH would never dream of using his role as wage earner to put me down.
The fact that you cannot criticise him is awfully telling. The fact that he treats your son more harshly than his NT children is awful too.

I know your opening line was all about how great he is but he really isn't. He's a dick.

Personally I'd start calling him on his behaviour and laugh at the silent treatment.

I know you feel vulnerable but he's bullying you and your son and it won't get better if you keep accepting it.

NickiFury · 25/04/2016 10:11

He sounds like a real twat tbh.

Boomingmarvellous · 25/04/2016 10:13

Having a child with SN puts you at such a disadvantage in the workplace unless you have a very robust support system. Unless you are in this situation people just don't understand Sad.

Your DH clearly doesn't understand this and is rubbing your nose in your SAH status. He is a total arse. His lack of respect is unacceptable. I'd go back out to work part time even if it means paying someone to pick up the slack, just for your own self esteem.

TeddTess · 25/04/2016 10:18

He is a control freak.

In your position i would be going back to work, fast, and not enabling him with his high stress high power high demanding job.

shovetheholly · 25/04/2016 10:25

"He works hard. Long hours, lots of travel."

This made me smile. I bet that even his longest week is not as long as your average week, when you factor in everything you're doing for the family from first thing in the morning to last thing at night.

AppleSetsSail · 25/04/2016 10:34

He sounds horrible. I'm terribly sorry. Flowers

sisiwarwick · 25/04/2016 10:40

He shouldn't speak to you like that. He wouldn't be able to go out to work if it wasn't for you facilitating the home. Team work. I don't think you spoke to your partner inappropriately.

Magicpaintbrush · 25/04/2016 10:48

I think if you're trying to instil certain behaviour in your child (in this instance no gadgets at the dinner table, which is an excellent rule btw) then it's twice as hard to get them to see reason if their parents aren't leading by example, so I can see why you felt you needed to point this out to you husband. Maybe it would be better to speak to him about it afterwards out of earshot of your son, but in the heat of the moment it's not so easy to keep quiet when it's happening right in front of you. I know how horrible it feels to earn considerably less than your spouse and to feel so guilty about not contributing more financially, and it's not on of your husband to rub your nose in it. Might be an idea to remind him of all the things you do that takes for granted!

Original poster
Eliza22 · 25/04/2016 10:57

Have to say. DS never brings anything to the table now. The Nintendo thing was 6 or 7 years ago.

But, in those six or seven years, DH has continued to do what he does with his phone and this is the first time I've said something.

We've discussed jobs for me. I'd be lucky (considering the hours I can commit to) to get anything and I have tried. I'm very aware that thanks to DH, I am in a privileged position.

I think maybe I should stop whinging and be happy to be in the position I'm in.

OP posts:
Seryph · 25/04/2016 11:01

I'd've lobbed his phone in the sink with the washing up!

I'm sorry but unless someone was in literal mortal peril work can wait until after dinner, dinner is family time, not work! It drives me mad.

I agree with the PPs though, it sounds like he is emotionally abusive. Have a serious talk with him and if he can't respect you you need to start thinking about what you are going to do.

MunchCrunch01 · 25/04/2016 11:07

you need to talk about it - it sounds as though at the root of this he's not happy having all the financial responsibility. I don't know how you're supposed to earn more with huge caring responsibilities either - what does DS's dad contribute? (you say DS is not the Dad).