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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel bad even writing this but....AIBU?

196 replies

Eliza22 · 25/04/2016 08:11

My DH is a good man. He works hard. Long hours, lots of travel.

We have a rule of no "devices" at the table. My DS (who has autism) used to like to bring his Nintendo ds to the table. Never to play but to have at the side of him. Years ago (when we married - DH is second marriage; DS is his stepson) we had words because DH would allow his own daughter to use her phone (texting) at the table and DH came down hard on DS for having his game device just next to him, unused.

So.... On Friday, me, DH and DS eating at the table. DH has his phone next to him (as HE usually does) and is constantly looking at it/typing. I said (tongue in cheek so as not to offend) "I thought we weren't supposed to use devices, at the table?!" DH fixed me with a condescending stare and said "I'm replying to important messages which allow ME to pay the mortgage". I was so upset. Maybe, over reacting? You see, I'm a sahm. I have a small income which goes into the family pot but contribute little to the financial setup. However, everything I do have, goes into the joint account. I do everything of a home-type nature....and I do mean everything. DS has only just gone back to school full time (he's now 15) due to bullying so yes, I'm aware that without dh's support, I couldn't look after DS in the way I have to.

AIBU to still, days later, want to tell him to shove his mortgage where the sun don't shine?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 25/04/2016 09:02

So, the underlying message from him is that he thinks you should contribute more financially to the pot. Do you think you should? (Note I have no experience of autism).

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/04/2016 09:04

I think this is why I couldn't be a sahm. Not because I don't respect it, but because I don't think I could handle the attitude everywhere that it makes you some kind of possession that owes constant compliance and perfection despite being on call 24/7. And so many sahms on here talk of how other school gate parents seem to think it makes them available for other families to use!

crazywriter · 25/04/2016 09:04

This would really grate me OP. It's not one rule for him and another for everyone else. I wah as a freelance journalist. If breaking news happens it usually can't wait but I always make it during dinner. We have the same no devices rule at the table and I've never used work as a reason to have my phone at the table. Emails can wait 30 to 45 minutes or so!

KoalaDownUnder · 25/04/2016 09:06

YANBU

What AF said - that was my dad's attitude, growing up. It stinks.

A family rule is a family rule. He could have said 'Good point! Smile But it's actually something urgent for work'.

His snarky response suggests an underlying resentment that would piss me right off.

BlueFolly · 25/04/2016 09:07

It's not about devices, this is about a hierarchy of power and perceived contributions

^ This.

It's the kind of thing my exDH would say. He used to enjoy referring to himself as 'the head of the household.'

blindsider · 25/04/2016 09:09

neonrainbow

Was your son there when you told your dh off for using a device at the table as though he was a child?

This is the clincher!!

If he was then frankly you were being disloyal to your husband. As a parent we have exactly the same issues at the table with phones, I explain before we sit down that I am waiting for an important call I have to take, or an email that needs an immediate response, otherwise my phone will not appear out of my pocket.

The difference is your husband (I assume knows how bad phones are at the table ) and will only use it on the occasions he has to, as opposed to sending endless selfies and responding Soz or LOL on snapchat.

PuntasticUsername · 25/04/2016 09:09

I don't think YWBU at all in the way you phrased your challenge. I think people are engaging in judgement by hindsight, because the comment got a hostile response. If your DH had instead said "Oh yes, I forgot! Silly me!" nobody would now be picking holes in what you'd said (and yes, you wouldn't be here talking about it in the first place, but ANYWAY).

It was a twattish thing for your DH to say and if it's out of character for him, I'd be wondering if he is ok - anything to do with work or money,or anything else, stressing him out? If it's a totally normal way for him to speak to you, then I think you have bigger problems.

YorkieDorkie · 25/04/2016 09:10

Perhaps you can go to work and lose all the precious time with your DC, so YOU can pay for full time childcare Hmm. What an ass. I'd be fuming OP.

BillSykesDog · 25/04/2016 09:10

I don't think there is any underlying message that he thinks the OP should contribute more or is belittling her contribution etc.

The OP spoke to him like he was a child and he responded by pointing out that he was doing something he had good reason to do which was an adult priority. He put it badly, they were both rude and snippy. But I can't see any reason to read anything else into it other than pointing out he was an adult looking after something which had to be a priority because of its importance to the family's situation rather than a child messing about.

bakeoffcake · 25/04/2016 09:12

What's he usually like OP?

Does he have this attitude normally it was it totally out of the blue?

If a one off is tell him you're still pissed off by the comment and that it really hurt you. Hopefully he'll apologise and never repeat it.

If it isn't a one off I'd be making plans to get a job.

museumum · 25/04/2016 09:12

It was a shitty response but if I was in the middle of trying to fire fight a work issue during the family meal I'd already be stressed and not need somebody else picking at me.

Obviously this doesn't apply if he's just a self-inpirtant workaholic who does work emails when they're not necessary.

bakeoffcake · 25/04/2016 09:13

Sorry meant to add, I'd get a job so I wasn't relying on him because I'd feel our marriage wasn't as secure as I thought. because he's a knob

Original poster
Eliza22 · 25/04/2016 09:17

Thanks for all the prompt comments!

I think I'm fairly defensive about my role because his family always made comments about "Eliza found work yet"? So, that's something I need to sort my head around. I was a nurse for 26 yrs. not afraid of hard work/shifts/weekends... all that. I did try to get work which fitted along with DH travelling abroad a lot but it was nigh impossible.

Thing is, DH very often is checking the cricket/football/twitter/news at the table. It's NOT as simple as "I HAVE to take this message now, it's WORK".

I wouldn't dream of NOT saying my comment to him in an anything BUT tongue in cheek way because if I did I'd be ignored for a week for having criticised him. I feel quite powerless in that respect, I'm unable to "call" him on anything because his way of dealing with it is to get very cross and then not speak to me for a few days.

The "kids" are all grown up now. My DS is the youngest (his stepson) and his 3 are all in their early to late 20's. DS and I never bring anything to the table. It'd be very much frowned on.

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 25/04/2016 09:19
  1. OP's DS has autism and so is likely to have an increased need for consistency in the application of rules where possible - a sympathetic parent (step or otherwise) would recognise this 2. DS didn't even want to play his Nintendo at the table, just have it sitting next to him 3. OP's DH has form for allowing his own daughter to text at the table.

This doesn't seem to be about the DH wanting to break a rule that otherwise applies to everyone in the family equally. It seems more as if he wants a rule in place that only the OP's DS actually has to follow.

HPsauciness · 25/04/2016 09:19

So, the rules are:

His daughter is allowed to text (because she's his dd?)

He is allowed to text as he is Very Important and pays the mortgage.

Your son, who has autism and is attached to his DS isn't even allowed to have it on the table next to him for comfort even though he's not using it.

Op, you are not wrong in thinking there are some major issues here about power and control, your remark may have been a bit snipey, but I bet under the whole edifice is a lot of this type of stuff. You and your son appear to be less important than him and his dd.

Lweji · 25/04/2016 09:20

I'm aware that without dh's support, I couldn't look after DS in the way I have to.

Does he realise that if you had a job out of the home he wouldn't be able to have his?

I'd have a short conversation with him and tell him that without my contribution at home he'd have to leave his mortgage paying job. And that I'm the one who pays for all the childcare with my work, as well as the food on the table (whatever you do).

And if he persists, then I'd go and look for a job and then confront him with how the arrangements work.

PuntasticUsername · 25/04/2016 09:20

Just read your last post. He's a dick.

MagratGarlikAgain · 25/04/2016 09:21

Sometimes we all come out with little digs or make snappy remarks we don't really mean. Sounds like he's maybe feeling a bit stressed or tired and the remark hit on a particularly sensitive area for you. Of course you are contributing to the household just as much as he is, in different ways of course, but when I was the sole earner in the house and dh was a sahd for about a year (ds2 had health issues, forcing one of us to stop work and I was the higher earner), the responsibility of being solely responsible for our family financially was stressful.

It just sounds like one of those little disagreements where things are said in the moment and you should probably have a chat when the children are in bed, then forget about it.

OnlyLovers · 25/04/2016 09:22

It was a snippy and immature thing to say. And this

if I did I'd be ignored for a week for having criticised him. I feel quite powerless in that respect, I'm unable to "call" him on anything because his way of dealing with it is to get very cross and then not speak to me for a few days. just confirms it; his attitude reeks.

shovetheholly · 25/04/2016 09:24

I think mentioning an agreed rule in a tongue-in-cheek, jokey way is absolutely not telling someone off 'like a child'. I am Hmm to those who think it's the same thing!!

I agree, his response assumes that his contribution is more important than yours because it is financial in nature. Also, that his work trumps your work, that out-of-the-home activities are more important than in-the-home ones. What would worry me is not the remark itself but the fact that there is basically a series of value judgements in there that deprioritise your realm and your contribution. I would have been really upset too.

bakeoffcake · 25/04/2016 09:26

So this comment isn't a one off.

He sounds horrible OP Sad

AnyFucker · 25/04/2016 09:28

Ah, he's an emotional abuser then

No surprises there. The little "quips" we come out with are often very much the tip of the iceberg

OP, how long has he been a sexist, stonewalling, silent treatment-wielding, abusive pig ?

PPie10 · 25/04/2016 09:28

Yanbu, that was a really rotten thing to say. Puts you in your place doesn't it?
He probably also feels that his DD is an adult who has no need to cater to your son, so rules don't apply to her which in a way might be correct. However he is living with your ds and should be able to understand this.

FluffyBunny1234 · 25/04/2016 09:29

Oh god he sounds awful.
Your problems go far deeper than electronics at the table Flowers
I'd be looking at a way out

DoItTooJulia · 25/04/2016 09:30

I think you'd be surprised at how well you'd manage without him.

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