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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum will you lie to my friends mum?

62 replies

lordsteatime · 24/04/2016 17:13

This morning woken up my DD17, phone in hand , shouts, 'quick wake up friends mum is coming over to ask if 'friend' was with me on Friday night.
What shall I say? she just texted me to ask you to lie for her!

We refused. Which I suppose is not unreasonable of us really.
So far this 18yr olds parents havent knocked on door. which is good.

This 18yr old will be going to uni in September supposedly living an near independent life and is past the age of consent.

This girl seems to be naturally rebelling against the early bedtimes, parents checking her homework, and lots of other micro managing.
This girl had her 18th birthday party in her parents home a few months ago and they complained about someone being sick in the loo, and pulled kissing teens apart. Dancing had to be done in the garden in case something got broken in the house.

While I consider them to be brave people to host an 18th birthday party am not impressed with being woken up on a Sunday morning and then wondering if an irate mother is going to double check if her daughter is lying to her.

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 24/04/2016 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OurBlanche · 24/04/2016 17:20

Just before I reached that age, I too rebelled and was thrown out escorted to a bedsit and told I no longer lived at home... and no, they didn't pay the first month's rent!

Stay calm, YANBU, you wouldn't be even of you gave the poor girl shelter prior to her going off to University and freedom, life and all that.

Her parents, like mine, may never know why they had such an unreasonable child... but that doesn't make her a bad person.

CraziestOfCatLadies · 24/04/2016 17:28

I would be out if that mum came over. A younger child would be different but an 18 year old can make their own decisions.

descalina · 24/04/2016 17:48

I would tell her you don't know if her daughter was with your daughter because your daughter is nearly an adult and as such you treat her like one.

ScarletOverkill · 24/04/2016 17:52

I would suggest if they haven't turned up by now the DD must have told them the truth

EverySongbirdSays · 24/04/2016 17:53

EARLY bedtime? at 18?

I'm with descalina

mumeeee · 24/04/2016 18:31

I thought I was strict but at 18 all I asked was for my DDs to let me know if they were coming home or staying with a friend. I didn't need to know exactly where they were and they didn't have a bedtime.

MammaTJ · 24/04/2016 18:33

I'd lie for an 18 year old! They are an adult! Sadly one who needs protecting from OTT parents.

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 24/04/2016 18:48

I wouldn't lie - but would tell the DC not to inform me who is sleeping on their floor, so that if asked I can say I don't know.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 24/04/2016 19:13

Of course she's going to rebel against having a bedtime at 18. She's a grown women. WTF are her parents thinking of
Suppression and control it's almost abusive

TheCatsMeow · 24/04/2016 19:16

Her parents sound awful.

YWBU to not back her up. The poor girl needs someone she can trust, obviously her parents are shit at that, and you as her friend's mother would have been a good option.

Atenco · 24/04/2016 20:31

I wouldn't answer the door

Amy214 · 24/04/2016 20:37

Poor girl shes old enough to do what she wants. I bet shes excited to go to uni and have some freedom at last, im excited for her lol when i was 16 my parents told me i was an adult but i had to pay my way and therefore free to do what i wanted within reason. Tbh im not surprised shes rebelling they do say that strict parents raise secretive children. I would cover for her

bakeoffcake · 24/04/2016 20:38

I'd certainly lie in that situation because I'd feel so sorry for her.

But I'd be a bit vague, something like "well dd told me they were doing X but as they're adults I don't check up on them.

80schild · 24/04/2016 21:18

Not sure. Although parents sound over the top I would worry about lying. What if something did happen to her? By lying you are, kind of accepting responsibility.

The fact that her parents are vile is a separate issue.

Not answering the door might be your best bet.

jollyfrenchy · 24/04/2016 21:57

I would definitely go with you don't know rather than lying, just in case there is actually a good reason why they want to know that you don't know about. Although from what you've said of the parents it seems they are too controlling, you don't know what the situation is. If my 18 year old was potentially doing something dangerous eg drugs or similar, and they were being secretive I might not be above trying to find out where they were in order to try to intervene. Having said that I would hope I would have an open enough relationship with them to discuss anything, but clearly these parents might not be in that situation. Even if they are not going the right way about it, they presumably have their daughter's best interests at heart and if you lie you could be putting yourself in an awkward position or even regretting it if something bad happened to her.

imwithspud · 24/04/2016 22:09

I wouldn't answer the door either.

Reminds me of a friend I had at 17 who had a mum who tried to be strict and ott but it mostly just backfired as friend tended to just lie about where she was if she was going somewhere she knew her mum wouldn't approve of. There comes a time where you have to loosen the leash a bit otherwise they'll just lie and do what they want anyway which can lead to some potentially dangerous situations.

PointlessFriend · 24/04/2016 22:24

I wouldn't lie but haha Grin at all of you who are so sure the friend is really an oppressed teen. I imagine the parents have a different view. She could be under curfew for goodness knows what reasons. They can't be that uptight if they let the DD have an 18th at their house.

I'd keep out of it.

SaggingTits · 24/04/2016 22:37

I'd lie for her. My mum used to lie for my friend. She wasn't allowed out later than midnight, even when we were 18 and going out clubbing!

bakeoffcake · 24/04/2016 22:38

Pointless, I knew my dds' friends at that age very well, most as they'd all been at the same small village school since they started infants, so I would know if she "was an oppressed teen" or not.
I have lied in the past for a 17 year old as her parents, especially mum is a horrible bully.
And 17 year olds shouldn't be grounded anyway. They're nearly adults.

SirVixofVixHall · 24/04/2016 22:47

I'm with pointless on this one. I had a bedtime when I was in the 6th form. My parents could see that coming up to A levels I needed to get enough sleep and not be out all the time, and left to my own devices I would have been burning the candle at both ends. They were stricter with me while i was in the Upper sixth than they had been the year before. This was totally normal for all my friends too (early 80s). They also wanted to know where I was, would not have let me stay out all night unless they knew where I would be sleeping, and who i was with, and that they knew the parents and had called them. All that was them being normal caring parents for my age group. i certainly didn't think of them as over-controlling.

landrover · 24/04/2016 22:52

I wouldn't lie, has the friend been home since Friday? Is she missing? It could lead to all manner of problems.

Pinkheart5915 · 24/04/2016 22:53

Poor girl no wonder she's going away to uni, who gives an 18 yr old a bedtime Hmm even checking the home work I think is a bit much at that age. When I was taking a levels my parents let me sort myself out I was an adult.

I wouldn't lie if her parents asked if she was at your home Friday

landrover · 24/04/2016 23:05

Of course, there is a lot of sympathy for the 18 year old, but we don't know the other side of the coin!!!Hmm

Nairsmellsbad · 24/04/2016 23:12

Are you sure her parents are as bad as she's making out? Just asking as my own teens come out with all kinds of shite occasionally exaggerate. FWIW I don't think it's unreasonable for a parent to want to know that their 18 year old who still lives at home is somewhere safe.

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