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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum will you lie to my friends mum?

62 replies

lordsteatime · 24/04/2016 17:13

This morning woken up my DD17, phone in hand , shouts, 'quick wake up friends mum is coming over to ask if 'friend' was with me on Friday night.
What shall I say? she just texted me to ask you to lie for her!

We refused. Which I suppose is not unreasonable of us really.
So far this 18yr olds parents havent knocked on door. which is good.

This 18yr old will be going to uni in September supposedly living an near independent life and is past the age of consent.

This girl seems to be naturally rebelling against the early bedtimes, parents checking her homework, and lots of other micro managing.
This girl had her 18th birthday party in her parents home a few months ago and they complained about someone being sick in the loo, and pulled kissing teens apart. Dancing had to be done in the garden in case something got broken in the house.

While I consider them to be brave people to host an 18th birthday party am not impressed with being woken up on a Sunday morning and then wondering if an irate mother is going to double check if her daughter is lying to her.

OP posts:

landrover · 24/04/2016 23:16

Spot on Nairsmellbad!

landrover · 24/04/2016 23:23

Really worried about my 18 year old daughter. We let her have her 16th birthday party at our home. The place was trashed and everybody inc daughter got very drunk. Fast forward 2 years, despite several scares with daughter away overnight without telling us and minor drug habit, we let her have her 18th birthday at home, providing we were allowed to be near and manage any problems. Despite some minor hiccups, we think it went well. Daughter was not happy with our input and now has gone completely off the rails. Steals money, takes drugs, sleeps around. We never know from one day to the next where she is. Now the police are involved. We just don't know what to do? This could be the other side of the coin for all we know!

bakeoffcake · 25/04/2016 09:06

The op says the parents

Check their dds homework! Whatever the girl is up to, checking a 17 year olds homework is absolutely ridiculous. Any parent doing that is totally out of order. They sound unhinged.

sportinguista · 25/04/2016 10:02

I had left home 2 years by the time I was 18, my parents didn't ask whether I had gone to bed or not!

MY DSS is 18 and now at Uni and we do not ring to check if he has done any homework or is in fact in bed. He is an adult now. If he doesn't start managing his own life now when will he?

I think the parents need to actually talk to their daughter as an adult and find out expectations on all sides and then let each manage their lives. As my FIL says he has only one rule - maximum freedom, maximum responsibillity.

MackerelOfFact · 25/04/2016 10:04

No way would I lie about her whereabouts. What if she had found herself in trouble, either at the receiving end or as a perpetrator, and you'd basically given her a false alibi?!

At a push I might say that I had no idea where either of the girls were on Friday night as it was none of my business. But lying about here whereabouts isn't going to suddenly change her parents' attitude (which TBH doesn't sound that outrageous and has probably been exaggerated anyway).

usual · 25/04/2016 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCatsMeow · 25/04/2016 10:24

which TBH doesn't sound that outrageous

They check their adult daughter's homework...

landrover · 25/04/2016 11:08

We have no idea that what the friend is saying is true though

MagratGarlikAgain · 25/04/2016 11:13

I would not lie. If she is an adult and wants to be treated as such, she needs to have an adult conversation with her parents about the amount of freedom (or lack of) which she is permitted. If she is not grown up enough to take responsibility for dealing with her own parents in this way, but instead chooses the option of lying, perhaps she's not as mature and responsible as she thinks she is.

Either way, lying will undermine her parents and her relationship with them and could be permanently damaging in that respect. I'd keep out. It's up to her to solve her relationship with her parents. She'll get all the freedom she wants soon enough.

LaurieLemons · 25/04/2016 11:19

I wouldn't lie I'd just say you're not sure if she was with your DD or not as they're older she doesn't ask you anymore. Poor girl, your 18th with your parents!!

MackerelOfFact · 25/04/2016 11:25

They check their adult daughter's homework...

Unless her parents teach and/or lecture in all her A-Level subjects I doubt they really know what they're checking for do they? It does sound a bit like an exaggeration to me - 'my parents won't let me live at home rent-free unless there is evidence of progress in my education' being interpreted as 'my parents check my homework.'

Maybe they are awful and controlling but they did let a load of 18yos have a party at their house with music and alcohol, which is more than I would have done!

murmuration · 25/04/2016 11:51

I'd go the route of you don't know because you didn't check on your daughter.

But I must say I am heartened by the replies about the parents' unreasonableness. My parents were massively controlling and it is fascinating to me to see perspective on what seems like a tiny thing to me (I had to come home straight after school, no going out with friends, much less staying out past a bedtime! I also wasn't allowed to have a job and they tore up my job applications in front me. I could go on but I won't...).

And for the person who says the daughter should have an adult conversation with her parents, that only works if both sides agree it is an adult conversation. I'm 42 and have not yet had one of those with my parents. Their attempts to control my life at this point are a bit sad, as it is clearly not working and hasn't for decades, so no clue why they keep it up.

Although the good point has been made that you don't know what else is going on, which could be anything from beleaguered teen to criminal behaviour, so best not to lie.

shovetheholly · 25/04/2016 14:08

I appreciate that the word of a teenager sometimes has to be taken with a pinch of salt, but equally there are very bullying parents who do domineer and seek to control every aspect of their child's life in a way that is unsuitable for anyone over the age of 11. While that child remains in education, and therefore dependent upon said parents until the A-levels are done, it is virtually impossible for them to assert independence. It can be an incredibly miserable position to be in. (I am not arguing that teens should have utter independence, just that some recognition of the need for additional levels of privacy and freedom is needed). I think I would lie to help a kid out if I felt that their case was like that.

summersky11 · 25/04/2016 14:45

I wouldn't lie- No, but might plead ignorance if possible.
I think it is a little disingenuous to equate an 18 year old at school living in her parents house and being supported totally by her parents/child benefit/child tax credits, with an independent adult.She isn't!
I have an 18 year ols taking 4 A levels and 3 STEP papers in a matter of weeks.I am buggered if years of their hard work are going to be thrown away by making silly immature lifestyle decisions at this stage of the game.

Oakmaiden · 25/04/2016 14:58

"Oh, I'm really not sure. DD and her friends come and go as they please, I don't really check up on them anymore. They are 18, after all"

Onlyicanclean10 · 25/04/2016 15:06

As oakmaiden posted.

Don't get involved

WindPowerRanger · 25/04/2016 15:12

Mine were strict: home at 11, no going out except Friday and Saturday night, even when I was 18, you are toeing the line until you graduate from Uni (that's what you get from two Methodists, one of them an African patriarch to boot).

I would not have involved another family in any deception though, that's cringe-making. I'd rather have gone toe to toe with my father and rebelled openly.

mathanxiety · 25/04/2016 16:09

I wouldn't get involved. Descalina's answer seems the perfect one. It is also true.

The parents have got this far with their unreasonableness and they are probably not going to change their tune because of anything you say. Pulling kissing couples apart and making them all dance in the garden bespeaks a level of anxiety and lack of boundaries that are not amenable to shifting by reasonable comment. I agree with you, Murmuration.

I didn't have a curfew for my DCs, nor did I check their homework. We live with an education system where every grade you get for every item of work you turn in for your four years of high school contributes to your grade point average and where there are in addition national standardised tests, plus universities look at your extracurricular activities -- you are expected to have a CV packed with worthy community service plus sports and maybe evidence of interest in the arts thrown in too. As long as the DCs kept up their grades, turned in the homework on time, and were willing to participate in extra curricular activities, they were given a long leash. We chatted about school regularly, mostly with me listening. I also told them from a young age that they weren't working for me or for their teachers, but for themselves.

Jinxxx · 25/04/2016 16:18

I'm with Summersky on this one. My eldest is doing A levels at the moment and the deal is that he gets room and board, laundry done etc and very little expected in the way of chores or help in the house, but on the understanding that he does his best academically and doesn't generally jeopardise his own chances of success by behaving immaturely. So we'd expect him to limit late nights to Friday and Saturday. I also expect to know where he is and to be asked in good time if a lift is needed, rather than called up to mount an immediate rescue mission. I see that as instilling good manners, not controlling. (I also check his essays at his own request, and suggest corrections/improvements where I have suitable knowledge or skills to be helpful, in full knowledge that he is on his own in this respect next year - though maybe he will phone!)

mathanxiety · 25/04/2016 16:46

I made no allowance for schoolwork or papers due or whatever other school related stuff was going on. That is how teens learn to manage their time. I really believe that putting as much as possible in their hands is the way to go. Plus in our system I would be driven scatty keeping up with every single homework item in every subject for four years .

If at almost 18 and on the verge of heading off to university they can't prioritise, motivate themselves and organise their time, then I would be worried about sending them off to wherever they were admitted.

On the partying front, they were supposed to tell me where they were going and what their arrangements were for getting home. They were asked to call me with arrangements if this was still 'tba' when leaving and to make it a priority to get a plan in place because I didn't want to sit up late waiting and wondering if the plan involved my car. I was willing to come and collect them any time, from anywhere, with no questions asked if they called with a SOS, and I took friends in my car too if they all wanted to leave.

HazelBite · 25/04/2016 17:09

I used to lie all the time to my Mother, she wasn't worried about me so much as just damn nosey.
At age 23 separated from from H and living independently on my own she would ring me up very early on a Sunday morning wanting to find out why 1) I hadn't answered the 'phone when she rang late on the Saturday or 2) why I hadn't answered when she rang early (mega early) on the Sunday. I used to tell her I'd hooked up with a bloke in a pub and gone back to his place, I had no idea what he was called!
After a while she got the hint
I loved her very dearly

loumayfield · 25/04/2016 19:35

She is definitely going to rebel against her parents at 18 years old. I remember what i was like at that age, i just wanted to be independent and have my own space. Shes having early bed times at 18 years old make no wonder shes rebelling lol.

GiraffesCantDoMentalArithmetic · 25/04/2016 23:20

I teach 18 year olds. I am in contact with several parents, and most of them try to be supportive of their teens as they make a difficult transition to independence. I find the mumsnet attitude of "they're 18, let them get on with it, sink or swim" quite odd. A lot of 18 year olds would do exactly nothing without some gentle nagging from parents. At that age, saying "isn't it time you went to bed?" would surely not be OTT? And that would be reported back to friends as 'having a bedtime', of course. We still call parents in for a chat if school is going very badly, and most parents get the arse we didn't do it sooner! Having said that, on personal issues we do tread lightly to respect the students' confidentiality.

Anyway, just my thoughts and not really on topic...

mathanxiety · 26/04/2016 04:13

It's not really a question of letting them get on with it/sink or swim. I am as interested in my DCs' futures as any OTT homework checker. However, I also believe that to be successful when they fly the coop they need to be motivating and organising themselves at this point in their lives. They will be gone in a few months, and how will they manage then, when they will be dealing with a vast smorgasbord of distractions, not least of which is the task of fending for themselves, if they have not internalised their motivation?

blindsider · 26/04/2016 09:31

I am another that would cut the parents some slack. I have two live in SD's and their idea of truth is laughable, I dread to think how we are described to their friends :-(

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