Mum will you lie to my friends mum?

[lordsteatime]

This morning woken up my DD17, phone in hand , shouts, 'quick wake up friends mum is coming over to ask if 'friend' was with me on Friday night.
What shall I say? she just texted me to ask you to lie for her!

We refused. Which I suppose is not unreasonable of us really.
So far this 18yr olds parents havent knocked on door. which is good.

This 18yr old will be going to uni in September supposedly living an near independent life and is past the age of consent.

This girl seems to be naturally rebelling against the early bedtimes, parents checking her homework, and lots of other micro managing.
This girl had her 18th birthday party in her parents home a few months ago and they complained about someone being sick in the loo, and pulled kissing teens apart. Dancing had to be done in the garden in case something got broken in the house.

While I consider them to be brave people to host an 18th birthday party am not impressed with being woken up on a Sunday morning and then wondering if an irate mother is going to double check if her daughter is lying to her.

I would have probably said daughter had some friends over, didn't see who, but high chance her daughter was there. Not the truth, but nothing definitive.

My Mum was still very controlling when I was a teenager and even as a student (and I was a straight A student, had a nice boyfriend so didn't sleep around, didn't drink/smoke/do drugs, never lied about where I was). I was the eldest and she calmed down by the time my younger siblings were teenagers (DB2 would have random girls turning up at breakfast when he was 17, at the same time I (aged 23) wasn't allowed to have my long term boyfriend in my bedroom when we came to visit. Some serious double standards there!). I didn't rebel but we did have big fights about it. I'm in my 40s now and she still 'reserves the right to comment' on my life and I get punished with the silent treatment if I do something she disapproves of (like not send out the kids thank-you letters promptly enough). I'm the classic scapegoat (thankfully my brothers can see through her so it hasn't affected our relationships) and I can see her starting with my kids now, she said in front of the kids that DD2 'was difficult to get on with'. I was furious, although it did made me realise there was nothing I could do about how she viewed me because DD2 is loved by everyone else because she's so funny and sweet and loving. Thankfully we live a long way away I wonder why and so her influence on the kids is minimal.

When it comes to matters of career/work etc, I do occasionally do a little nagging of my 19yo still-living-at-home dd, on a similar level to what I would do to a friend or a sibling if I thought they might need it. (The only reason my book is now with the publisher's is that a kind friend sat me down and forced me to write to them).

I also feel free to nag anyone living in my household who does not stick to the basic rules.

But I fail to see any situation involving an 18yo that can be resolved by imposing a curfew. That is just asking for rebellion.

A bedtime that's ridiculous, poor adult. I think bedtimes should stop at 16 (maximum!)

I'd have lied.

A bedtime that's ridiculous, poor adult. I think bedtimes should stop at 16 (maximum!)

I'd have lied.

A bedtime that's ridiculous, poor adult. I think bedtimes should stop at 16 (maximum!)

I'd have lied.

I wouldn't lie - what if she had been up to something illegal?
Best to say you don't know.

I wouldn't lie, it just doesn't sit right, too many what ifs.

We have just laid down a set of rules to my just 18 year old, in the month run up to A levels. Two night out a week, no staying over etc, sleep before midnight etc. But she actually needs and appreciates a bit of structure now and again. She had complete freedom last year, and she is looking forward to a summer full of fun, so she has nothing to complain about.

My DD's friend is 18. She has been 'grounded' until after exams. No activities, no volunteering, no work, no tv. Just school and study. She's going to go off the rails once she gets to uni. Right now she sees my DD and other friends going out to the cinema on a friday night to wind down after the week (school plus study lessons after school) and I feel so sorry for her. I met her mum at parents night and she didn't even crack a smile at us. I think she thinks my DD is a bad influence or something as she clearly doesn't approve of her. Not sure why as DD doesn't go out to parties or out drinking (she's still 17) and is either at school or work or volunteering. The rest of the time she has friends over here and they sit in the conservatory with youtube on, singing like strangled cats.

If someone turned up at my door asking me where their 18 year old adult child was on X day, I'd just have to laugh in their face and ask them if they're joking.

So much of this is just parents failing to get a grip and trying to transfer their own anxieties onto their children.

I would not lie. If she is an adult and wants to be treated as such, she needs to have an adult conversation with her parents about the amount of freedom (or lack of) which she is permitted. If she is not grown up enough to take responsibility for dealing with her own parents in this way, but instead chooses the option of lying, perhaps she's not as mature and responsible as she thinks she is.

LMAO

You have never tried to have a conversation with a control freak parent who thinks you are their property.