To prioritise my husbands job

[Yellowsun11]

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

And I don't know many SAHMs to be truthful. Maybe one or two? A few in mumsnet but that's because it's mumsnet.

Is feminism about choice? When did that happen?

It was always there, Stealth. Equal opportunities, choices and rights.

If you leave it out then you are simply replacing patriarchal insistance that a woman stays at home and does the Good Wife thing with a feminazi insistance that no woman can make that choice for herself (if you will accept the hyperbole and stereotypes in place of an extra paragrpah or two).

Feminazi: because wanting equal rights for women is exactly the same as committing genocide

If you are directing that at me, Cersei, I did explain my use of that term in the brackets!

And in a way, yes! One group of women ordaining that another womans old fashioned/tradionalist chosen way of life is wrong and so must be stopped does bear some passing resemblance, at its heart.

Feminism is about choice. I personal can't see why if you're in a marriage there is any reason why you can't choose one or the other, unless of course you're talking about equal pay

But posters in this thread have been patiently explaining that the choices women and men make do not exist in a vacuum and cumulatively have a very real effect on equal pay. The men stay longer to duck out of the heavy lifting of family life, creating a presenteeism culture that disadvantages working parents who want a work/life balance and perpetuates promotions going to men, reinforcing the lack of women in positions of power to make societal changes. That is why feminism is not just about choice and the personal is political.

Not to mention you only get the 'choice' to reject paid work if you're independently wealthy (rare) or have an oh who is willing to financially support you and your children. Which is fine, and to do so is a choice (and presumably your contributoon is non financial) but I don't think it's a wonderful example of feminism in action.

It's fine to say it's polictical, it is right to say so. But what about the current realities and the rights of everyone to make the best choice for them and their family?

In other words, pick a day when the world will be fair. On that day all men and women can wake up knowing that they will be sharing everything 50:50, all will be equal etc etc.

But, given that we didn't start from the same place and are still unsure how the hell EveryWoman gets from here to that Utopian dream, it strikes me as counterproductive and sneary, to point and decry a woman who chooses to be more traditional in her family set up.

The world we actually live in waxes and wanes in its attitudes. Lad culture become Ladette culture, SAHMs are more likely to be SAHDs now than ever before. Can we celebrate those changes whilst working for more?

Or do we have to be so tediously negative because someone, some woman, steps off the party political bus and makes a personal choice for herself?

I personally do not take issue with any individual family's choice. Each family has to make the choices that suit them best, they'd be bloody idiots to do anything different. I'm taking issue with women deciding to take a step back from their career being described as feminist, and the fact that some threads seem to portray it as unusual and daring.

I don't think anyone's saying we shouldn't all make the best choices for ourselves at any time, but it would be good if more people - men in particular - would help to move us to a more equal society, including creating more family friendly workplaces, different expectations about work, and yes making braver choices that will sometimes fit their own lives better instead of falling back on the status quo.

You see, I don't think pointing out the social prism through which we make decisions is the same as being 'tediously negative'. I see it as being realistic. It is not telling anyone what to do, just reminding them that what seems a 'natural decision' for a woman actually has a whole lot of societal baggage and expectation behind it. I don't think it does women any favours to pretend that life is so simple and unnuanced that any action is feminist if a woman does it.

People can do what they like, but knowledge is power so at least consider and understand the context of your choices rather than sleep walking into them. Feminism is about questioning the status quo and yes, sometimes that can feel uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean we should just shut up about it.

I don't think anyone's saying we shouldn't all make the best choices for ourselves at any time, but it would be good if more people - men in particular - would help to move us to a more equal society, including creating more family friendly workplaces

Completely agree. I actually think that one of the most depressing aspects of debates like this is that they seem to take place between women, with mothers who work pitted against those who don't. Until there is a dialogue that includes men - starting with schoolchildren - not much is going to change. On a societal basis I think it is really male attitudes that need changing, rather than those of the women who make individual choices to work or stay at home.

I'm taking issue with women deciding to take a step back from their career being described as feminist, in that case, I'm sorry, I had not understood that to be your viewpoint. Obviously you are right. Some/many actions don't get to hold a political title. Getting on with living is, often but not always, one of them

I shall RTFT in more detail

Speaking as a part timer, I don't find it sneery for someone to point out that I didn't make this choice in a vacuum. Granted, my DH is also not full time and has always done some childcare solo. But he does work more hours than me, and earlier in our parenting careers earned over twice what I did. It's not negativity to suggest the societal context might have had some impact there.

More "not in a vacuum" stuff:
www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-36126584

From the linked study
Key findings
• Mothers who are working full-time experience a wage ‘penalty’, earning 11
per cent less than women without children who are working full-time at age
42. When variations in personal characteristics – such as education, region
and occupational social class – are taken into account, this penalty falls to
7 per cent.
• The motherhood wage penalty is entirely associated with mothers who
had their first child when they were under 33. These mothers earned 15
per cent less than similar childless women at age 42. By contrast, mothers
whose first birth was at 33 or older experience a wage ‘bonus’ of 12 per cent
compared to similar women who hadn’t had children.
• Fathers who work full-time experience a wage ‘bonus’, earning 22 per cent
more than similar men without children who are working full-time at age 42.
When personal characteristics – such as education, region and occupational
social class – are taken into account, this bonus falls slightly to 21 per cent.
• Wage differentials by number of children do not appear to be significant for
mothers. However, fathers that have two or more children earn 9 per cent
more than similar fathers with just one child.
• Overall, full-time women earn 34 per cent less than similar full-time men at
age 42. This penalty is largely – but not entirely – associated with the impact
of parenthood on earnings (whereby women earn less and men earn more).
However, there was still a significant gender pay gap of 12 per cent for
childless men and women at age 42.

The logic of "the parent who earns more should stay full time" could equally be "the parent who earns more could afford to work fewer hours"

But that would fail to acknowledge how much store is set in the working world by the idea that hours worked is directly proportional to devotion to career

I gave up my career 18 years ago to look after our kids and support my husbands career.
Never looked back.

stealth- " I'm taking issue with women deciding to take a step back from their career being described as feminist, and the fact that some threads seem to portray it as unusual and daring."

What;s your beef? I am a feminist and I ditched my career.

So ditching your career was a choice you, as a feminist made? I have no issue with that.
choosing to give up your career was a specifically feminist choice to make, sticking two fingers up to the patriarchy? I don't understand that, and that's what previous posters have implied.

Why not?

A career is not the dogs bollocks.Nurturing children is hugely undervalued.

I agree, although I have made different choices. But I still don't see how choosing to give up work and live on your husband's wage is a feminist choice. It may be a choice made by women who happen to be feminists, like having beans on toast for tea, or going on holiday.

Because we are a family. He is able to focus on his career knowing that his children are being lovingly nurtured.

Is the worth of a feminist based on her earning capacity?

All the reasons you write are valid, good reasons for making particular choices. I do not think they are specific to feminism.
And no, no one's worth is based on how much they earn, what a strange idea.

I don't understand what point you are trying to make.

Genuine question. If we are all support each individual's right to choose, yet accept that those choices are not made in a vacuum. How do we change all of those points made in slightly's post?

Most women have chosen to reduce their hours because it works best for their family, so not doing so is either something they can't or don't want to do. So how do we change its impact on other women?