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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To prioritise my husbands job

574 replies

Yellowsun11 · 23/04/2016 11:21

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 24/04/2016 10:13

I have just recently done something similar, I still work full time but in a much more regular, less high pressure environment. I don't consider I have done it to support my dh's career, that's just something that comes naturally out of me working less. I consider it something I needed to do for me. I wanted to spend more time at home. To put my family first. I'm lucky that my dh has spent all of our married thus far supporting my role, both before dd and after. So I see this now as returning the favour. We are a team, so we work out what's best for the team at any given time.

Having seen what happens if a husband leaves a wife who has been out of the workplace for a while, I wouldn't want to give up completely, but i do believe we each have to do what's right for ourselves and our families in the here and now. Life's way too short to spend it doing something you hate or that makes you mental or physically unwell.

Whilst we as women don't make choices in a vacuum we do have to prioritise ourselves. I do believe in a woman's right to choose, just as much as a mans. I think in any family, people do what works for them, regardless of whether it's him or her that does more juggling. For us, until now, dh did most of the juggling. Now it's switched because our jobs and priorities have changed.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/04/2016 10:20

I agree, but it needs to be reciporical, rather than the woman making all the adjustments and the man just carrying on. In the medium term this may mean that career progresses s fast as it would if there was a SAHP around BUT ultimately 2 careers are likely to more lucrative and safer than 1. We are all going to be working well into our sixties, why let the choices you make in your 30's determine your earning potential for 25 YEARS once the children are more independent.

CookieDoughKid · 24/04/2016 10:23

No. Not Oxbridge but got everything else...I had sahp friends are Oxbridge and they don't view staying at home and waste of brain . I fully intend to go back to work when much dcs go to Secondary though so this is a sabbatical for me. I have the luxury of choosing to wOrk or not which I hope my dd will have in the future whilst she and her future dh raises their family.

Muskateersmummy · 24/04/2016 10:32

Still .... Because I don't think about it that way. I think about it as doing what makes my heart happy for now. I have had a lot of years of putting my career first, being successful and enjoying all that gave me. It made me happy then. It doesn't now. Priorities change. I choose to live my life for now, it can be gone all too soon. I want to have lived a life I enjoyed. I am lucky to have a new job where I am retraining and will have a new career that will be growing alongside my daughter which I can do as much or as little as I like with once she leaves home. Everyone is different and has to make their own choices, I just am choosing what's right for me and us for now.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/04/2016 10:36

Cookie dough if you have a career you can dip in and out of staying at the same level that's great, not many people are so fortunate. My understanding was that academic life was actually quite unforgiving of time out, but it's not my field so correct me if I am wrong. Also I think on the whole picking it back up when they are at school/ seniors the problem is by then the status quo of the SAHP being available has been set. Whereas I have always worked, there is no expectation that I would be the default child carer from dh or the Dcs. Also they are quite independent possible due to me working which helps.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/04/2016 10:39

As I said above we were young, neither of us had lots of years putting our careers first. I was pregnant with DS less than 3 years after graduating.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/04/2016 10:43

doing what make my heart happy now I hope it works out for you, it's a bit like eating chocolate cake today and worrying about it when you are diagnosed with type2 diabetes though....

GetAHaircutCarl · 24/04/2016 10:55

cookie if you want to take time out of work then that's cool. I'm all for people doing what they want Grin.

But it's just your reasoning that's wonky.

Successful men don't necessarily need a wife that doesn't work. I have one of my own Wink.

And successful children don't need a SAHP. I have two of my own.Wink Wink.

MummyBex1985 · 24/04/2016 11:07

DH would love for me to be a 50s housewife SAHM.

I am a lawyer and the reality is that working FT just didn't work for our family. But giving up work wouldn't work for me - I like the adult company, and using my brain!

So the compromise was I reduced to working 20 hours per week. I still get to pick the kids up from school and keep on top of the housework. DH now earns around 4 times what I do which makes me feel a bit crap at times but I'm contributing equally but in a different way. He owns his business so that takes priority and I'm okay with that, even if I won't ever be a partner in a law firm!

StealthPolarBear · 24/04/2016 11:08

Did he compromise as well?

TheDornishmansWife · 24/04/2016 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 24/04/2016 11:31

Of course. I thibk the point that we're making is it usually is the man's career that it makes sense to prioritise. Is this just coincidence or is there some gender bias at work?

whattheseithakasmean · 24/04/2016 11:32

just wanted to point out that in some circumstances it IS better to prioritise one person's (be that the DH or the DW!) career

The point that is being made on this thread is that it seems to be the default that it is the DW that compromises her career. This is justified under that pernicious mantra of being her 'choice' to be around to 'keep on top of the housework' God, this thread is gloomy reading.

Piemernator · 24/04/2016 11:50

I worked for 30 years, my health was becoming a problem so I don't work anymore. I do still have one secondary age school child at home. I would never have stopped working but honestly as its health related your friends are unsupportive shits. My friends are very supportive.

I miss work but fortunately I do still have my own income via my pension and other stuff, I'm still in my forties.

This isn't a typical WOHM vs SAHM thread due to posters health issues.

I hope your health issues are improving. Mine are here till I drop off this mortal coil.

TheDornishmansWife · 24/04/2016 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JassyRadlett · 24/04/2016 11:58

The point that is being made on this thread is that it seems to be the default that it is the DW that compromises her career. This is justified under that pernicious mantra of being her 'choice' to be around to 'keep on top of the housework' God, this thread is gloomy reading

I had a male colleague comment to me that he didn't know how I did it (combine an objectively demanding job with having small children). This was after a jocular 'oh, knocking off early, are we?' as I raced out the door at 5 for the train, and I mentioned that I had a child who enjoyed being collected from nursery.

I happened to know that he had preschool kids at home. He was at the same level as I was in the organisation though perhaps with a less pressured job. He genuinely couldn't wrap his head around how a woman with small kids could do the job objectively.

I mildly mentioned that I was fortunate to have a husband who did an equal share of childcare which, combined with a smartphone and a secure remote connection at home, meant it wasn't too difficult.

There are a lot of shitty ingrained attitudes out there. And why rock the boat if you're benefiting from them?

Muskateersmummy · 24/04/2016 17:16

I hope it works out for you, it's a bit like eating chocolate cake today and worrying about it when you are diagnosed with type2 diabetes though....

I wouldn't say it's the same thought as I still have a job, which keeps me skill set active to be in a good position when dd leaves home. It's more like eating a bit of cake and a glass of wine at the weekend. It's not the healthiest but also won't kill me kind of diet and ultimately makes me happy.

It seems strange to me that opting to make yourself happy, preserve your mental health is deemed the wrong choice.

whatamidoinghereanyway · 24/04/2016 17:33

Oh come on! Saying that it's like eating cake and not worrying and getting diabetes is like saying you slog your guts out unhappily and then die before you can enjoy retirement ...or you save loads of money and then the economy crashes and we get hyperinflation and your money becomes worthless.

I know LOADS of stay at home dads. I know a few who have wives with top Careers and small children.

This is MUMsrnet with a bias of mums so an unbalanced debate on this subject. Interesting though Hmm

whattheseithakasmean · 24/04/2016 17:39

I know LOADS of stay at home dads. I don't think I know any. I do think SAHDs continue to be unusual and the wife making the compromises is the default. And with so many things, if we keep doing what we've always done, we'll always get the same thing. Men able to work long hours, making women that want some work/life balance miss the promotions, less women at the top and lower wages.

So yes, choose away, but you won't be the only one affected by your choice, it creates ripples through society and we certainly don't have enough part time/SAHDs yet to turn the tide.

andintothefire · 24/04/2016 17:48

I know LOADS of stay at home dads

I don't think I know any either. I know a few dads who are freelance and do childcare when they are not working, but they definitely haven't given up their careers. TBH, that always seemed like the best arrangement if at all possible - both partners prepared to slow down their careers for a few years for the sake of bringing up children together.

cleaty · 24/04/2016 17:55

Look at the statistics, there are very few sahd.

rookiemere · 24/04/2016 17:57

I know some SAHDs and I know some parents where the DF is definitely the primary parent - so there at the school gates, often works at home, not 50% but some definitely. I think it's great, good for them.

But I'm not going to force an arrangement on our family that won't work for us just so that I can cause ripples through society. Frankly I have enough to do already and I enjoy the balance that we have - mostly.

Waitingfordolly · 24/04/2016 17:58

I know one former SAHD, he got divorced and now he's completely knackered financially because he didn't maintain his career and is earning a tiny salary. Thinking through my DD's friends though I can't think of another father who is even part time.

whatamidoinghereanyway · 24/04/2016 18:04

Perhaps statistically there are fewer dads that exclusively stay at home in the early years due to maternity provision yes you're right, possibly more women than men choose to stay at home. Many families have two working parents. Statistically I'm assuming you're all meaning in the UK or Europe at this current time, not globally.
Feminism is about choice. I personal can't see why if you're in a marriage there is any reason why you can't choose one or the other, unless of course you're talking about equal pay and that's nothing to do with why this thread started.Smile

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 24/04/2016 18:05

"TBH, that always seemed like the best arrangement if at all possible - both partners prepared to slow down their careers for a few years for the sake of bringing up children together."

Yes! This!