To prioritise my husbands job

[Yellowsun11]

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

A part time job that pays a decent rate is rare though. To earn a decent rate someone needs to work full time

Which is one reason we need broader societal change. If more men in particular shun presenteeism, take a more active role in the lives of their families and/or opt for part time work, we might start to see a reduction in the penalty applied to part time work (and to people leaving work at a time compatible with childcare).

"A part time job that pays a decent rate is rare though. To earn a decent rate someone needs to work full time."

It depends what you consider a decent rate? My current job was advertised at 26,000pa full time. This is possibly not "mumsnet decent" but its above the medium average.
I asked for a job share when I was offered the job and got it!

DH's pt job is similar- we earn one decent full time wage between two of us and only have to find paid childcare for one day, which leaves us with the same disposable income as if we were full time!

Tbh- Its not great for anyone's career to take it off the boil for a couple of years. But I'm very glad that me and DH are both taking the hit.
It is only until the youngest is at school and we will have equal opportunities to advance our ambitions. Not one person sacrificing for the other.

I don't see it as a sacrifice though. I consider myself privileged to have been able to stay at home with my kids and have time to pursue my interests. I feel lucky not to be part of the rat race.

Whatever works for you. They don't sound like good friends, being horrified at your choice. There's no harm in it and if your family are all happy with it, then why the hell not?

Sorry I'm not expressing myself well - trying to juggle making dinner, helping with homework whilst raising my feminist consciousness.

I know the right answer is to have a DH/DP who does 50% of all of the additional tasks, or divorce but hey ho this is real life.

By this I mean I know a great many working families and I'm not sure that I'm aware of any where the workload is 50/50 on the additional stuff, regardless of what the working split is. I do know a few where it's the DF who picks it all up, but that's quite rare, usually the majority is done by the DM. Either the majority of my friends and acquaintances have been unlucky or remarkably stupid in marrying the wrong type of man or most men are resistant to picking this type of stuff up. Or another conclusion I've reached is that if both parents are working f/t without any family support then there is simply too much for it all to be shared around adequately.

Or another conclusion I've reached is that if both parents are working f/t without any family support then there is simply too much for it all to be shared around adequately

I haven't found it so.

Can you see that for some of us equality at home is real life? That we've chosen not to enable 'resistance' by our partners to traditional wife work? So the suggestion that it's not real life sits oddly.

It is however deeply depressing (if unsurprising) how many women accept the situation you describe as the natural order of things. It doesn't enable true 'choice', among other things.

Or another conclusion I've reached is that if both parents are working f/t without any family support then there is simply too much for it all to be shared around adequately.

I haven't found it so either. Both DH and I work FT and we have no family support. He's really great at doing the kids stuff though. For example, he does all the pick up and drop off. And he does the day to day homework with DC1 who is in reception. He also helps with cleaning. I do all the meal planning and cleaning however because he can't cook well and I actually love cooking. I also do the money. But I think we do share pretty evenly.

I'm genuinely pleased it's working for both of you .

I suppose as well I'd not be happy with DS being in wraparound care from 7.45 - 5.45 as that would be the reality for us in those circumstances and even that would require some juggling.

I thought I was doing the best I could by keeping my career going albeit not going upward as it might be if I was f/t whilst spending some time with DS to support him. I thought that was a truly modern feminist choice. I guess it appears not to be, which is disappointing. I can see how the OP feels now. It also explains why some women not men usually but women with children appear to judge me for working p/t.

It is so very, very rarely the men SaH or putting their partner's career first. My DH earns most and his career is the priority, which is OK, but it bothers me that it's women making the "choice".

See also today's reports about men earning more after DC - many get to be parents AND progress at work and money wise. Why in our society is it so hard for women to do the same?

Not many propel could work ft and do all drop offs and pick ups. When I worked and did that I did barely part time hours.

pearly if you can earn £1500+ a month (after tax?) from hime and not need much childcare you're not exactly doing badly work wise IMO!

And since when have men gone on the Internet and actually discussed things they're too busy working keeping all these downtrodden mums who can't work

And the OP specifically said she wasn't bothered about a career.

And the OP specifically said she wasn't bothered about a career.

The feminism=full time model doesn't really take account of the fact that some sectors don't work on a more hours put in, more advancement basis. There are those amongst us working in areas where promotion opportunities are often part time due to funding issues! The biggest step up I've ever had has been in a role that couldn't possibly have been full time because of money and logistical issues. I'm realistic enough to admit that there were probably other equally/better qualified candidates who didn't go for it because they wanted a full time salary and pension.

It's also not the case that everyone wants to progress infinitely at work. For us, it stops being worth it when a certain level of tax and a certain level of hours are required. Personally I felt sorry for DH because, due to qualifications, he had to put in more years FT than I did before getting sufficiently valuable to be able to ask to go PT.

Rookie I don't think any of us have been trying to denigrate others' choices or saying that anything is the 'right' feminist choice. However I do question the wider system in which it's almost invariably the woman who elects to downshift, and the workplaces that reward presenteeism and long hours that force such choices.

I certainly don't see working PT as anti-feminist or anything like that. DH and I both work a compressed week to allow us more child time, and we're both considering dropping some hours if possible. My ideal is what my brother and his wife have - they both do a three day week, so the kids are in childcare one day. We can't quite make the sums work right now, unfortunately.

If I judge anyone, it's men who could quite easily - though not so comfortably - flex their hours to do some pickups, compress their week or even (oh the humanity) be home in time to do bathtime - but choose not to. It does a double disservice - to their partners at home, and to the parents in their workplace who are pulling their weight in their families.

"If I judge anyone, it's men who could quite easily - though not so comfortably - flex their hours to do some pickups, compress their week or even (oh the humanity) be home in time to do bathtime - but choose not to. It does a double disservice - to their partners at home, and to the parents in their workplace who are pulling their weight in their families."

But it's people who go the extra mile that get the promotions.
My OH works a 60 hour week, does lots of overtime often with no notice. He knows that he can accept emergency jobs without notice and I am OK with that.
As a result he has had a number of promotions and pay increases.

We all have to do what is best for our family, my OH is not going to refuse unplanned overtime because it's unfair to another colleague.

Jassy your db's set up sounds similar to ours , although we both work ft now, the Dcs only ever had one night a week when they weren't with us after school. Now they have none. Dh works from home 2 days and I flex my hours. So do 2 10-11 hour days when dh is home.

That's true harlot. There are some Careers where the more hours you put in, the further you will advance. I used to work in a career where with only a few hours a day freelance I could earn great amounts of money due to the qualifications and the field I worked in, still hard work though and not gender specific really. My DH had to work day in day out in an office culture but probably has a more stable job, pension, healthcare, car and other stable benefits.

That's true harlot. There are some Careers where the more hours you put in, the further you will advance. I used to work in a career where with only a few hours a day freelance I could earn great amounts of money due to the qualifications and the field I worked in, still hard work though and not gender specific really. My DH had to work day in day out in an office culture but probably has a more stable job, pension, healthcare, car and other stable benefits.

Pearlylum did you not read the posts telling you about examples of it not being people who go the extra mile getting the promotions? Maybe try mine and whatamidoinghere's, although she did write that after you wrote yours.

pearly that's not necessarily true.

In DH's industry it is s/he who earns the most fees and brings in the most clients who gets the promotions. How you go about that is pretty well up to you. DH has some partners who almost never grace the office.

In my industry, there is a whole complex set of reasons as to why people do or don't sell their work. Attendance is the tiniest of factors.

But it's people who go the extra mile that get the promotions.

That's a really problematic attitude - the idea that 'the extra mile' means 'extra hours in the office'.

Rather than the extra mile being work of extraordinary quality. Or innovative thinking. Or pulling down the extra hours at night once the kids are in bed (one I know all too well!)

Or challenging the failures of management and planning that result in presenteeism, rather than excellence, being prioritised for reward.

I work in a role where any of my failures are incredibly public and have big implications for the wider organisation. It's also a minute-by-minute, deadline-driven, fast-paced, hard to plan for job. I run a 24/7 service for my organisation.

Guess what? I still manage to do my job really well, get bonuses and get promotions. Because I've set up my team in a way that can flex to the workloads, reprioritise swiftly and deal with the true emergencies effectively in a planned and equitable way.

There are plenty of teams in other organisations doing the same role that see people pulling down long hours, are 'impossible' to do part time, aren't compatible with childcare pickups, can't be done from home ever, etc. My own organisation was like that until I was hired to turn around the failing team. I'm proud I've done so in a way that supports people to succeed regardless of their circumstances and certainly doesn't reward people for being lucky enough to have a partner at home doing all the domestic stuff for them.

Is it not true that more women give up or alter their careers after dc than men, in part because more women than men actually want to do that?

Dh and I both work ft, but I wanted to career change to prioritise family over work, just at a time dh wanted to focus on an opportunity at work. Outside of work we have a very even split with childcare/housework etc. But I still wanted to make that change and what I'm reading is many of the women who have reduced hours etc have done so not just out of necessity but also out of desire.

jasssy "does a double disservice - to their partners at home, and to the parents in their workplace who are pulling their weight in their families."

But you say it's not about the hours- so how exactly are these men doing their colleagues a disservice?