To prioritise my husbands job

[Yellowsun11]

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

Read on here once - I would love to help break down the glass ceiling but do not want to use my own and my children's heads as battering rams.

More power to you if you keep going and forge ahead - it benefits our daughters. Don't castigate those who make different choice though.

I don't see anyone being castigated on here (I would say that suggesting that working mothers are using their childrens' heads as battering rams is pretty close though).

I just think an honest discourse is needed as a starting point to change. Part of that is stopping a pretence that it's a total coincidence that it's nearly always the man's career that's important and impossible to do without a SAHM.

But breastfeeding even if you do it to 2 ( which tbh has dubious health benefits in the UK), represents a tiny proportion of what it means to parent a child

And extended breastfeeding is not incompatible with sharing nurturing with another parent. I went back to work when DS1 was 7 months, and breastfed to 18 months. DH then took extended paternity leave. He is a wonderful, nurturing parent and our kids benefit from both of us having been the primary caregiver and sharing caregiving responsibilities (and impact on our careers). DH has strengths I do not, and vice versa.

And yes, Pearly, I think there is an awful lot more to nurturing and parenting a child than breastfeeding, if that's what you meant by your post of 0829.

I just think an honest discourse is needed as a starting point to change. Part of that is stopping a pretence that it's a total coincidence that it's nearly always the man's career that's important and impossible to do without a SAHM.

A thousand times this.

I suppose do what works for you, but I really disagree that anyone's career needs to take a back seat in such a major way - why can't both parties take equal responsibility for work, childcare, housework, and do an equal share? If more men took the attitude of FT working mums up thread - working blooming hard when you're there, and then getting back for acceptable time - it would be possible for more families to balance both partners working an equal amount.

The thing I think is so inequitable about the "man go out to work, woman keep house split" is that the man one day retires, and the woman is still keeping house, and she never gets to stop I'm looking at you PIL

Hadn't RTfullT, and just seen breastfeeding argument - I went back to work when babies 6 months - still breastfeeding DD at 20 months - and both DH and I taking equal roles in a high-pressure career. Society makes a lot of excuses to keep women in their place.

Exactly Soviet!

Oh and I also am still breastfeeding DS at 18 months so having a job didn't seem to hurt that, if it matters.

Research shows that lesbian mothers are far more likely to both go part time to take care of children.

I'm back to full time work and breastfeeding DS is continuing uninterrupted as well. However to claim the health benefits are dubious was a dubious claim :)

I just think an honest discourse is needed as a starting point to change. Part of that is stopping a pretence that it's a total coincidence that it's nearly always the man's career that's important and impossible to do without a SAHM.

Nail. On. Head.

And I'm another one in the "working FT and still breastfeeding" camp.

I Adam a hcp, breastfeeding has clear health benefits, definitely to 6 months, probably for a year for most infants. Beyond that ? In the UK ? Very little evidence and I have seen loads of iron deficiency and vitamin d deficiency in toddlers who were relying on breast milk as a main food source.

Sorry I am a hcp

Absolutely Jassy, a million times that. It's up there with 'well it made sense for me to change my name because I've never liked it anyway'.

Coincidentally, men all like their surnames?

I have a close friend who has gone down this road. She's happy with her choices so my beak is firmly out, but I can't help my private feelings. She had such a wonderful career, and her husband just earns money in a job he hates. But it's all about saving him stress apparently, despite his job being exactly the same as it was when he was single and had no dependents.

It suits them so great. But can we stop pretending 'oh it just happens to be easier this way'. If you think mens work is intrinsically more important then why can't you say so.

Yes, I agree. This coincidence that it is always women who happen to end up the one at home with no career (which they often regret later) and men who are convenienced and served and helped - dreadful. We need to reverse that or in fact make sure no one suffers. We both always worked full time. I earned more - many women do these days and it all worked fine.

Okay still wish - your verdict on this much researched public health matter is infallible. Toddlers relying on any milk alone souls have deficiencies. Cows milk plus vitamins gives us formula. Mums milk plus Nhs advised vitamins behind 6 months gives us the corresponding healthy BF baby .

To argue breastfeeding is inadequate because some toddlers didn't develop a balanced diet and didn't take the recommended vitamins is quite preposterous.

Toddlers should not be relying only on formula milk or breastmilk. There lies the problem. It doesn't lie with breastmilk.

And a HCP? Please. The U.K. Brims with HCPs including HV and my deuces whose knowledge on infant feeding is painfully inaccurate. Any qualified IBCLC dill show you the evidence.

Lovely thread derail. Advise milk dependent toddlers to aim for a balanced diet. Don't make BM the culprit for the outcome of their dietary inadequacies.

There is precious little research on the effects (good, bad or otherwise) of breastfeeding beyond a year in the UK. But to suggest bf is a reason why women should automatically take on the main childcare responsibility indefinitely ( for 16 years in pearly mums case) is bonkers. We tend not to see such deficiencies in non breastfed toddlers, because there isn't the perception that cows milk is a suitable main food.

Listen I said upfront that my issue is with the dubious benefits of breastmilk NOT about the BF and work issue.

I am a university lecturer and in a demanding full time job breastfeeding has not been in the least affected and my workplace is a 1.5 hour drive away on the M1. Many mum's here have said the same.

Your original remark that breastfeeding has dubious health benefits beyond a magic age is inconsistent with research and public health policy. By saying these things you undermine the efforts of many mothers who are breastfeeding to natural term, raising babies into toddlerhood wth a balanced and nourished diet including those mum's doing this while maintaining ft work.

I have never said breast feeding has dubious benefits. I said that there is little evidence (that I am aware of) that there are ADITIONAl Health benefits in the UK eg; with plentiful nutritious food, immunisation and likely low levels of vitamin d in the milk. Beyond a year.

If there is robust evidence please do show it to me.

I have loved life since I ditched my career 18 years ago.

It has been liberating, raising my kids by staying home with them, then when they started school I have free time to exercise, garden, run a breastfeeding support group. Also gave me the time to explore other avenues of bringing money into the home. It's been a happy time for me and I have no plans to go out to work anytime soon.

But really my point is it is crazy to base the next 25 years on the basis of infant feeding choices.

Breastfeeding did massively influence my parenting style, I don't want to derail this thread though.

Perhaps your dp would have liked some of those experiences pearly

That's nice for you, pearly. No one's deriding your choice or the satisfaction it's brought you; simply questioning your suggestion that breastfeeding is necessary to nurturing parenting, and therefore not a role for fathers.

Yes I suppose my argument is just because a woman is a feminist doesn't mean that every decision she makes is a feminist decision. Mine certainly aren't.
On breastfeeding - I've worked full time from both children being about a year. Fed them both for 4 years and 3 and a half years.

Pearly, you sound very pleased with your lot and good for you. I would love to have lots of free time (as would most people, that's why they play the lottery!).

I don't really understand how your set up is an example of feminism in action though. It's not unfeminist either.

Do you think feminism won't have succeeded until every woman has the choice to give to up work? Who pays for this? Or do we all have to marry very solvent men? I may be missing your point but I don't really see how your undoubted good fortune plays into feminism or not really.