Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

540 replies

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 16:31

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

OP posts:
NatashaBolkonskaya · 23/04/2016 16:59

Natasha no one gets to declare what is universally acceptable or not True, but I, at least, did no such thing.

People who make racist jokes aren't literally saying it's ok to be racist. They are saying that joking about it is, actually being racist isn't

I simply can't get my head round your logic here. If you tell a joke that is racist (or misogynistic) you are normalising those things and perpetuating the idea that such attitudes are fine and acceptable.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 23/04/2016 16:59

And all these "private jokes" keep the racism and sexism going. People may pay lip service to being considerate to the opposite sex but in private rip the piss out of them, and the cycle goes on.

Political correctness is just being polite, I get through whole decades without feeling the need to make sexist or racist comments.

NuckyT · 23/04/2016 16:59

Aeroflotgirl

As I indicated above , I wouldn't draw a line at all. There's no subject that doesn't have the potential for humour. You mentioned sick children - well, Airplane! got jokes out of that. The Simpsons has spent years getting laughs out of Homer being violent towards Bart, and neglecting his elderly father.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 23/04/2016 17:00

And one day they're sat on a jury and they see a woman who was raped and their thinking "well, she was probably asking for it."

NameChange30 · 23/04/2016 17:00

OP, I'm sorry you've discovered that your boyfriend isn't the man you thought he was. But I think you're dealing with it brilliantly. It's refreshing.

Even if he was "just" talking like that to impress his dickhead mates, it's still unacceptable. On some level he must enjoy being mates with them and want their approval. Ugh.

A PP said that you must know the "real" him as you've been together 2.5 years. I think that's nonsense. Firstly, if you've never lived together, you've essentially been dating, and it's much easier to be on your best behaviour with someone you're dating (even if you spend long periods with them). When you live with someone, you get to know their "everyday" personality and more of their flaws.

Of course, some couples live together for years with one keeping a huge secret from the other (affairs, sexuality, etc) so even living together is no guarantee for knowing the "real" person. It just gives you more clues about who they are.

I agree with this comment by the OP:
"it has become blindingly obvious that you really are the company you keep."

So the boyfriend's behaviour with his friends is the real him. It's not the entire person, but it is real.

OP, it's lucky that you discovered this before getting a mortgage together. That's a huge commitment. FWIW I think that in future it would be wise to live together (eg renting or living in a property owned by just one partner) before buying together.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 17:01

I agree lumpy, op has her right not to accept that from a guy, she has her cut of point, and that is it! There will be more of that, as his mates feature heavily in his life, and he is not likely to give them up.

UptownFunk00 · 23/04/2016 17:03

My EA ex used to cry when confronted chilled and would beg - so it can be very manipulative on its own.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 17:03

I totally agree AnotherEmma, it is easy to put on an act or hide certain things when you don't live with the person, what you have discovered is part of the real him, it is your choice whether you accept that or not.

UptownFunk00 · 23/04/2016 17:04

I'm so sorry flying [flower]

VestalVirgin · 23/04/2016 17:06

Yes one has the freedom to make these kind of jokes, but if I heard a man making them, it would put me right off.

Good point. I actually don't think these kinds of jokes should be made illegal. They are such a good way for terrible people to show others who they really are.

UptownFunk00 · 23/04/2016 17:08

Personally although I have been forced I don't tend to take offence to those who tell the jokes, just think they are ignorant - but if it's directed a specific person then that's just vile the jokes are vile anyway but can't muster up the strength to scream at everyone who does them

UptownFunk00 · 23/04/2016 17:10

No joke should be illegal- as vile as they are we don't want a Big Beother state.

Just out of curiosity whet would you think of a woman saying one of these jokes?

RainIsAGoodThing · 23/04/2016 17:13

Get away from him. How horrible! You deserve so much better.

VestalVirgin · 23/04/2016 17:18

The Simpsons has spent years getting laughs out of Homer being violent towards Bart, and neglecting his elderly father.

True, but I don't really get how that is funny and why exactly they get laughs out of this.

Other instances of dark humour in the Simpsons would be Homer's terrible safety behaviour in the nuclear power plants where he works ... that's a case of "Haha, that is a bit exaggerated, but they really aren't safe" ... the sort of humour where you laugh because you'd have to cry otherwise.

However, this is funny because it is exaggerated and fictional and we know the joke is to be taken as criticism of the bad thing it is about.

Most "rape jokes" are neither funny, nor do the criticise rape. In fact, most rape jokes that make it to the media consist of a man telling everyone that he is a rapist, and then claiming that it was a joke.

VestalVirgin · 23/04/2016 17:24

Just out of curiosity whet would you think of a woman saying one of these jokes?

Depends on the joke.
If it was a typical male-on-female rape joke and the raped woman was the butt of the joke, then I would think the woman telling the joke is a horrible person and the last person I would ever tell if someone sexually assaulted me, because she would be likely very unsupportive and victim-blamey.
(I might also pity her for having internalized quite a lot of misogyny, but I still would not want to have anything to do with her.)

Now, if a woman jokes about putting drugs into someone's drink to rape them later (you know, the way that guy from The Hobbit, Martin Freeman or what his name is, did; you can google the whole thing) then I might suspect that she actually would do that.

HelenaDove · 23/04/2016 17:40

"I think we need to take better care of ourselves my partner would never have me go out in something skimpy."

bumblebee a man telling a woman what she can and cant wear is controlling and this is also another thing that perpetuates rape myths.

EverySongbirdSays · 23/04/2016 17:43

I think we need to take better care of ourselves my partner would never have me go out in something skimpy

WTF? How did I miss THIS??!!!

Victim blaming at it's finest

HelenaDove · 23/04/2016 17:47

chilled my ex who used to time me in the shower was a crier when he wanted his own way.

You intimated in your post that men crying is "pussy"

Are you male?

GarlicShake · 23/04/2016 17:50

Bumble, your partner controls your fashion choices?? Oh, heck. That's bad.

Fanfeck · 23/04/2016 17:53

I've swing back and foreword a bit on this but the nail in the coffin for me is that he actually knows the woman he was speaking about like that.

I know how difficult it is OP, to feel you're throwing everything away on "something small". I had a vaguely similar thread (different username) about a year ago, just like this one, the vast majority telling me my gut was right and to get out. I didn't though and stopped reading, worst mistake I could have made and the majority on here were indeed correct.

Fanfeck · 23/04/2016 17:53

*swung

CauliflowerBalti · 23/04/2016 17:56

Kickassangel made a good point that wasn't splitting hairs over fucking rape jokes

Men tend to make their friends young and keep them. All my exes and current partner have close friends who they wouldn't have a thing in common with now but they grew up with. And so they are brothers. I read that and thought that he might NOT be the company he keeps. Not really.

Nanny0gg · 23/04/2016 18:04

Do you all genuinely believe that people can't change? That he could realise how appalling his attitude to women (in the abstract) has been and that he now knows how wrong he's been? And that he won't ever behave (or think) that way again?

UmbongoUnchained · 23/04/2016 18:06

I think at the end of the day OP it's entirely down to how you feel about it. If it sickens you and you don't think you could ever look at him the same way again, then probably best to end the relationship.

If it's something you think you could get over and you love him and he's given you no other reason not to trust to him, then that's your choice if you want to try and make it work. It could well be that he just spoke without having really thought and now he's learnt his lesson will never make that mistake again!

Personally, I would take some time to think about it. I was raped at 15, so I know how sick and wrong it is, but I also understand that people say and do things without realising the gravity of the situation. I've said offensive things and laughed at offensive things before and only realised how disgusting it was once I had thought about it a bit later on.

I hope you make the best decision for you. Flowers

chilledwarmth · 23/04/2016 18:09

Hey Helena, yes I'm a man. Are you a woman? I'm guessing so from your username.

I wasn't saying the crying itself was being a pussy, I was thinking more about what he said. That he "didn't know why he said it". That's rubbish, he knows exactly why he said it, he found it funny to joke about so that's why he said it. The only reason he's saying he doesn't know is because he isn't man enough to just say outright to his girlfriend the OP that he found it funny, in other words he's trying to tell her what she wants to hear rather than how it is. I don't like that in people, I think trying to be something your not in a relationship is a bad thing because sooner or later they will find out the real you. He seems to scared to just come out and say "Yes I said this, I realize you don't like it, I found it funny to joke about, I guess there's going to be things we don't necessarily agree on in this relationship" which is what my pussy comment was about. Why are people so scared of disagreement that they feel the need to hide what they say or do or feel.