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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone being U over lunch?

151 replies

MaebeB · 22/04/2016 11:00

Tomorrow me, OH and 4yo are going to see friends and their 3mo baby. Friends have asked if we can bring lunch with us. Not a problem at all from a cost perspective, but more problematic as we are travelling by train, nearly 2 hour journey of train - Tube - train.

I told OH we should make some things at home that are easy to transport but say we're going to the supermarket (10 min walk from friends house) when we get there to pick up the rest. Or pay for takeaway. OH thinks this is rude, doesn't want me to ask friends if this is OK in case they find it rude too.

I don't think it's rude. Am a little unsure whether or I think it's a little cheeky of a couple with a healthy 3mo to expect people to travel 2hrs carrying lunch for 5 people. Not that we'd ever turn up empty-handed to see someone with a new baby, or expect a 3 course roast, just all lunch seems a lot. Could be biased there as 4yo was luckily an easy baby, but surely they could at least buy bread for sandwiches?

Is anyone BU?

OP posts:
VeganCow · 22/04/2016 12:33

How about texting and ask them 'what Pot Noodle flavour do you all want for lunch tomorrow ' - they are light and easy to carry Grin

FrogsSpawnofSanta · 22/04/2016 12:36

Whatever you do as regards food I would bring paper plates, if not you'll get stuck with the washing up after!

MargotLovedTom · 22/04/2016 12:41

Yep, visitor fatigue and you said your DH is a bit of a 'foodie' - maybe they're thinkin he'll secretly judge their usual lunch of white bread and fish paste sandwiches, with Wotsits on the side, so they'd rather have it taken it out of their hands Wink.

Zucker · 22/04/2016 12:41

That is inviting yourself though. Let me know when I can call in isn't the same as would you like to come and see the new baby.

And surely everyone asks "let me know what we can bring" and usually get told booze or a cake or something? Well yeah usually, they may be feeling though as you've virtually invited yourselves over you may as well bring the lunch too.

MargotLovedTom · 22/04/2016 12:43

Ah I missed the update about the husband being a good cook. That'll teach me not to refresh!

Cressandra · 22/04/2016 12:52

of course now you can ask the same of them when they come to visit your new baby. You've (a) moved the catering forward and (b) got the perfect excuse to just buy bits rather than cooking as such.

It's a bit disingenuous to say "surely they could pick some bread up" when it sounds like you're both in the habit of going to considerably more trouble to cater for each other. I think french bread, meats, cheese etc, or pizzas, are always acceptable though. Just include some nice olives! :)

bibbitybobbityyhat · 22/04/2016 12:53

I think they are definitely being extremely U.

I would reply to her text "that's alright, we'll have lunch out somewhere and bring a cake to have for tea later". You can still see them for 4 or 5 hours, which is plenty when they have a young baby and you have a 4 year old to keep amused.

diddl · 22/04/2016 13:02

"normally food is an important thing when we meet up as both husbands' are good cooks."

Well then buy at the supermarket something for the husbands to cook!

StealthPolarBear · 22/04/2016 13:04

They don't have a 4yo, the op does

StealthPolarBear · 22/04/2016 13:04

Sorry thay was to whoever was talking about them having to take the older child to school
or I may be confused..m

NapQueen · 22/04/2016 13:05

Who chose the time? If they said lunchtime, they are being rude. If you said you could come over lunchtime then yabu for landing at that time of day without offering food.

Just text and say "logistics of bringing food over that distance is a bit awkward, fancy a stroll out to a nice cafe near you?"

bibbitybobbityyhat · 22/04/2016 13:06

Who was your comment to Stealthy?

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2016 13:17

normally food is an important thing when we meet up as both husbands' are good cooks.

Actually, thinking again about that ^^

They now have a 3 month old baby, so 'normally' no longer applies really.

Do you think that might be why you had to remind them to tell you when you could visit? Because they might be thinking, "Food is normally important when they visit, but we're really too tired for all that now"?

Perhaps that was their line of thinking when you asked what you could bring to help?

The more I think about it, the more I think all of you should forget about food and just enjoy catching up and meeting the baby.

What's more important here?

BalloonSlayer · 22/04/2016 13:17

Do you know what I think will happen?

You'll lug all this stuff all the way there and when you get there they'll have prepared you a lunch and they'll look at you like you are barking mad and outrageously rude for having brought all that food with you.

Because "lunch" was probably code for "I am a bit too stressed with new baby to cook anything elaborate so don't expect much."

If there is any way you can pop out and get it when you arrive I would do so.

OTheHugeManatee · 22/04/2016 13:17

When visiting my friend with a 3mo I would not dream of expecting her to cook and would be mortified if she felt she had to. We go out for lunch instead!

I think your OH is being a bit strange and martyr-ish though about carrying loads of home made stuff there. Why can't you just order pizza or buy a picnic to have there?

catinthecradle · 22/04/2016 13:18

I totally understand your friends.

It's different to invite someone, and to have people coming around to see the baby. I am sure they are very happy to see you, but it's totally possible they had visitors non stop, and decided very wisely that everyone was welcome, as long as they bring food. Why should new parents spend their time catering for friends and family instead of enjoying their baby - and having a rest when they can. They didn't even ask in the first place, you offered!

I think a bit U to decide to take food from home and travel with it instead of popping to the nearest shop on the way there. You are making your life more complicated than it needs to be.

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2016 13:19

When visiting my friend with a 3mo I would not dream of expecting her to cook and would be mortified if she felt she had to. We go out for lunch instead!

And if she had a perfectly capable husband, who you and your husband were also visiting?

BarbaraofSeville · 22/04/2016 13:23

On a side note, am I the only person, even if not pregnant, who would end up eating their own arm off if they left the house at 9.30 after breakfast, and didn't get home till maybe 6-7pm

No, I'm the same. I need a big breakfast and I'm still starving by about 11. I don't really like or find sandwiches satisfying and almost never eat them by choice.

My ideal eating pattern is big, late breakfast, big hot lunch and then a light snack in the evening.

I could never be one of those people who only has a coffee and a bit of fruit in the daytime before 'a proper evening meal'. I would just be miserable and starving all day.

Could your friends be joking? I would get there empty handed and then if it appears that they actually expect you to provide lunch, pop out to the nearest M&S or wherever for pizza and salad to prepare at theirs. Carting it all over there from your house is madness.

swg1 · 22/04/2016 13:24

Am I the only person who, when coping with my first newborn, still had a state of "shit, what's in the fridge" for lunch at three months old? (And yes, that was with an actively helping husband.) Breastfeeding was AWFUL and I coped with that while he tried to cope with everything else. We ate defrosted spag bol for dinner a lot and beans on toast a lot for lunch. To everyone who was clearly utterly competent 3 months in.. congrats?

OTheHugeManatee · 22/04/2016 13:24

And if she had a perfectly capable husband, who you and your husband were also visiting?

I'd still suggest going out or offer to bring something.

Gileswithachainsaw · 22/04/2016 13:28

When visiting my friend with a 3mo I would not dream of expecting her to cook and would be mortified if she felt she had to. We go out for lunch instead

and if they can't shove a pre made pizza in the oven and open a bag of salad what on earth makes you think.they would he able to get it together enough to go out for lunch?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 22/04/2016 13:30

Eat before you get there. Then bring some random things - a family bag of Skips, a tin of condensed milk and a fresh coconut.

OTheHugeManatee · 22/04/2016 13:31

Giles - of course said friend (or indeed her DH) would be capable of putting a ready made pizza in the oven. But why not make a kind gesture and save them the trouble?

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2016 13:31

I don't know. I just think it's a shame that 4 friends who are presumably looking forward to catching up and introducing the kids, are this hung up about a bit of food.

It might be better all round if the OP suggests they re-schedule for after lunch.

It sounds like it would be a relief all round.

rookiemere · 22/04/2016 13:31

This is one of these situations where text is not working as a communications method.
She could be trying to be funny, or completely overwhelmed with her current situation, you don't know.
I'd ring and ask what they want you do do. Explain you'll be on public transport for 2 hrs so you can't bring anything perishable with you, and say that you'll order a pizza when you get there, or if they're feeling a bit overrun at the minute, you'll reschedule for a better date.