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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone being U over lunch?

151 replies

MaebeB · 22/04/2016 11:00

Tomorrow me, OH and 4yo are going to see friends and their 3mo baby. Friends have asked if we can bring lunch with us. Not a problem at all from a cost perspective, but more problematic as we are travelling by train, nearly 2 hour journey of train - Tube - train.

I told OH we should make some things at home that are easy to transport but say we're going to the supermarket (10 min walk from friends house) when we get there to pick up the rest. Or pay for takeaway. OH thinks this is rude, doesn't want me to ask friends if this is OK in case they find it rude too.

I don't think it's rude. Am a little unsure whether or I think it's a little cheeky of a couple with a healthy 3mo to expect people to travel 2hrs carrying lunch for 5 people. Not that we'd ever turn up empty-handed to see someone with a new baby, or expect a 3 course roast, just all lunch seems a lot. Could be biased there as 4yo was luckily an easy baby, but surely they could at least buy bread for sandwiches?

Is anyone BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaebeB · 22/04/2016 12:14

Bit of both, diddl. Even before their baby was due we said let us know when you're ready for visitors (especially those that will have to stay a few hours not just pop in from next door etc). Few weeks ago we reminded them to let us know, they said actually this weekend was good. Few days ago I texted them asking what we could bring to help, and they replied "lunch."

OP posts:
ouryve · 22/04/2016 12:14

I'd grab pizzas, sausage rolls and salad from the supermarket around the corner. If it's Sainsbury's, they've got an offer on some of their nicer ones, anyhow.

I'd also check before doing so that they had a working oven - they might be in the middle of having their kitchen re-done or their oven may have broken and not been replaced or fixed yet, hence asking you to bring food, yourself.

(Another not thinking the worst possibility is that they do their big food shop on a Sunday and they'll be a bit mother Hubbard, tomorrow, but from what you've said, they're probably not that organised!)

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 22/04/2016 12:15

We've brought lunch when visiting new babies a few times. People did it for us and it was lovely. Enough with the over-analysing shades of perceived rudeness

It's not percieved, its present, and no analysis is required. New babies, maybe. but not 3 months. And you don't ASK!

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2016 12:16

Ok but remember no matter what you decide, it's only food and it's only a 2 hour journey.

No-one will die of malnutrition because they ate a couple of sarnies midday, having had breakfast, hopefully some coffee and biscuits and then dinner when you get home/on the way home Grin

I've a feeling the focus has really shifted from a simple visit to a friend, which should have been a pleasant, relaxing experience.

Try to swing the pendulum back the other way and focus on having a nice visit if you can.

firesidechat · 22/04/2016 12:16

I think if you invite friends over and are in no position to provide food for them then you gratefully accept whatever they bring with them. I haven't read the whole thread so I'm assuming that you didn't just invite yourselves.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 22/04/2016 12:18

I would never dream of asking guests to provide food especially if they were travelling for 2 hours there and back!
Different if it was a pot luck picnic or something like that.

diddl · 22/04/2016 12:18

"Few days ago I texted them asking what we could bring to help, and they replied "lunch."".

Well that told youGrin

Still, they'll be able to pay it back when they visit you & your new baby.

Has this only happened since the baby then?

LineyReborn · 22/04/2016 12:20

You did kind of invite yourself, OP, and did kind of offer to bring stuff.

notinagreatplace · 22/04/2016 12:21

On a side note, am I the only person, even if not pregnant, who would end up eating their own arm off if they left the house at 9.30 after breakfast, and didn't get home till maybe 6-7pm, and only had a snacky-type lunch in the middle? Starting to wonder if everyone else gets buy on a lot less food than me

On a normal work day, I leave the house at 8:30, get back at 7pm, and I do that just on lunch - usual sort of size lunch is a cereal bowl size portion of leftovers (e.g. pasta) and a piece of fruit. I don't have breakfast. I'm pregnant at the moment (14 weeks) and sometimes find I need a small snack (e.g. a second piece of fruit) to keep me going in the late afternoon but even that isn't every day.

I do usually have a good sized dinner - full plate of food - though.

Original poster
MaebeB · 22/04/2016 12:21

No one will die, Worra, but I'm hormonal and sick and therefore not 100% rational about everything at the moment Grin

diddl, normally food is an important thing when we meet up as both husbands' are good cooks.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 22/04/2016 12:21

Nowt so queer as folk is there?
Very odd to ask you especially as you are travelling with small child too
Supermarket near theirs be a good plan

glenthebattleostrich · 22/04/2016 12:22

We had most family visiting when dd was 5 days old. DH did a supermarket order so we served fresh bread, cold meats, cooked chicken, cheese and salad. All served on paper plates I thought my DO and DMIL were going to faint at the prospect

I wouldn't have dreamed of asking people to bring lunch 3 months later.

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2016 12:22

Few days ago I texted them asking what we could bring to help, and they replied "lunch."

Oh hold on a minute....

What did you mean by 'help'? Help with what?

That kind of puts a different slant on it perhaps.

What help were you expecting 2 people with a 3 month old baby to need with a visit from a couple of friends, if you didn't mean lunch or some other sort of meal?

LineyReborn · 22/04/2016 12:23

But they're friends.

Original poster
MaebeB · 22/04/2016 12:24

Ah, at the minute, notinagreatplace, I'm two breakfasts, lunch, snacks at 3pm and 5pm, and dinner, but then I am generally bringing at least 2 of them back up again.

You did kind of invite yourself, OP, and did kind of offer to bring stuff.

I don't quite get this. Is it really inviting yourself when you ask to be let known when is a good time to come and visit a new baby? I mean, if you don't ask to visit at all you'll be accused of being incredibly rude. And surely everyone asks "let me know what we can bring" and usually get told booze or a cake or something?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaebeB · 22/04/2016 12:25

So no one else would ask what they could bring when visiting friend with a young baby? Of course we asked. It would be rude to just say that we were coming without offering to bring some pudding etc?

OP posts:
witsender · 22/04/2016 12:27

If both husbands are keen cooks, why isn't the husband (her's) cooking?

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2016 12:28

And surely everyone asks "let me know what we can bring" and usually get told booze or a cake or something?

Yes but bring to 'help', might have been what confused the issue.

Booze and cake are normally just token offerings out of politeness, they're not really about actual help if you see what I mean.

Sounds like a bit of a misunderstanding, though I still think requesting lunch when there are two adults there to make a few sandwiches is taking the piss a bit.

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2016 12:29

'Pudding'? No that would be a bit of a strange offering imo, unless you were invited to dinner.

But maybe that's just me.

Original poster
MaebeB · 22/04/2016 12:29

I have no idea, witsender.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 22/04/2016 12:30

I reckon they have hosting fatigue.

CloneMeNow · 22/04/2016 12:32

I would do an online food order to arrive at their house when you're there, containing everything for a quick lunch.

EssentialHummus · 22/04/2016 12:32

I think the only normal response to "What can we bring?" is wine, cake etc - not the whole lunch. They may be pisstaking, or frazzled, or sick of guests and taking it out (unfairly) on you, or genuinely in need of a bit of help and a break.

AlpacaPicnic · 22/04/2016 12:33

I'd rather eat food that's been bought from a shop round the corner than a picnic that's travelled for over two hours on public transport... and I eat stuff I've dropped on the floor so I'm really not fussy!

Buy it when you get there! If it's not been bought already mind...

LineyReborn · 22/04/2016 12:33

Why didn't you just offer to bring some pudding then?