To be angry, and even a little bewildered on how to tackle this with the school?

[MaddyHatter]

DS has SN.. he has Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and Dyspraxia.... it makes for some very complex needs, a big one of which he CANNOT process emotion or self regulate and will go into a meltdown very suddenly.

One of the outcomes of him getting upset and frustrated and having a meltdown is that he lashes out during them, and can hurt the people near him. The school are aware of this, there are strategies in place to help him try to manage his feelings.

One of these strategies is the provision and freedom to go to a room called the Calm room, which is painted with calming colours and has cushions and bean bags...etc.

There was an incident today. Ds isnt having a good week and there is a piece of work he is flat refusing to do, and they keep trying to make him. Today they tried again and he began to get upset. The Learning Mentor tried to get him to go to her classroom to calm down, but his auditory processing issues meant he didn't understand and he thought she was going to try and make him do this work, and he lashed out.

He has been suspended, which i nominally support, even if i'm not happy, as in my eyes they're punishing him for part of his disability..

However, i asked DS why if he was getting angry, didn't he ask to use the Calm room (its right opposite his classroom) and he told me he wasnt allowed in there because some of the yr6 girls were using it as a PE changing room.

WTF?!?!

Now.. i appreciate at 10/11yo the girls may not wish to change in the classroom with the boys, and an alternative should be provided... but WHY THE FUCK are the school letting them use THE CALM ROOM which is there for children like my son to use as and when they need it?

I am so fucking angry... we spent AGES getting it through to him that he could remove himself from a situation and go to that room if he felt the need to help prevent him going into meltdown, and now, he has to check if its being used as a fucking changing room and isn't allowed in there if the girls belongings are... and has now ended up having a violent meltdown and hit a teacher and got suspended.

I just don't know how to tackle this or even where to start.

Well done maddy

You sound brilliantly calm, informed and politely assertive - what a fantastic advocate for your ds

Glad to hear your meeting with the HT went well.

Sadly, there are far too many people who think like potatoes so I don't think she is a troll, merely a GF.

DS2, who is now 17 and in ms college, where he is doing really well on the whole has a similar diagnosis to your DS OP.

He had a Statement and funding for full time 1-1 TA. He was also supposed to have access to a calm room whenever he needed it and had a behaviour management plan in place. He was also excluded due to self harming when the behaviour plan wasn't followed and his calm room being used for something it shouldn't have been.

A few of the mothers were very like potatoes, in that they felt that he shouldn't have been in 'their' school in the first place, that he was taking up too much of the TAs time, when their NT children should have been getting her attention, and that 'children like him should be segregated from children like ours'. It's a common theme among those who are wholly ignorant of other's needs. He was never invited to a single party, he couldn't have gone, but the attitude was that he was 'other' and therefore not welcome. Even worse, the children who RSVP'd to his party simply never came.

The 'potatoes' parents eventually complained so much that DS2 was moved out into the corridor, and had no time at all with the teacher, just with his 1-1. The straw that broke the camel's back was when, despite him having full time 1-1, they managed to 'lose' him in the school and it was deemed his fault. I removed him from school. The potatoes parents were all congratulating themselves that now their little snowflakes would have TA time, only problem was that it was him being there that had provided the funding for the TA, without him, they didn't have any funding, so they lost the TA.

(also, I felt that the suggestion that BarelyKnitted had self published was very telling, jealousy is such an unbecoming trait)

Palmer, it makes me so sad and cross to hear your experiences - and those of your ds.

From now on those parents will in my head be called potato parents.

I got taking to a mum recently in a soft play. ( I could tell her son was on the spectrum and she apologised profusely when he tried to take my son's chip. I was incredibly encouraged to hear how amazingly well supported he was in mainstream (y1). But also by the hv and local sp and Lang team. I'm hoping slowly leas will improve.

Except leas won't exist soon

Taking him out of school and having him with me for a couple of years was the making of him, so yes, the experience was really negative, but the outcome has been positive.

He went back into school, albeit a special school paid for by everyone (for which I can't thank you all enough) and he's thriving.

And yes, I think potato people is a good name for parents who are utter twats

I am often heartened by the stories of successful integration that are happening now, I'd hate for children to still be being written off as slightly soiled when they're only tiny really.

Potato people is perfect.

There is a little group of us who have children with SEN that stick together and swap notes, lol. I think the HT always looks slightly concerned when he sees us all with our heads together on the playground

One of the group was actually involved in the parent discussion/consultation part of the recent SEND reforms, so she knows it inside out.

I think if we were isolated, it would be much harder, but we know we have other parents who are going through the same thing.

Thanks youthecat will have a look with DH tomorrow (he's in charge of measuring stuff around here ).

sleeponeday - what a nice thing to say. I feel a bit of a fraud though as my DS has SN albeit not autism. I don't think I fight his corner enough with school or with people dismissing his issues as behavioural so this has been a very enlightening discussion for me and given me a bit of a kick up the arse in my dealings with the school

I think we all feel that way sometimes. I know I do. I mean, you have to pick your battles, and quite often you don't realise a battle should have been picked until you're surveying the carnage afterwards, so to speak.

The Potato People (perfect name for them) would soon change their tune if it were their child with the SEN.

My 2nd child has mild SEN's and hated school - the school were initially very supportive, but then our relationship completely broke down, and they started to recommend parenting classes and stuff to me - Very Potato-People like in fact! They seemed to have conveniently forgotten that I had an older child go through the school 2 yrs earlier, who was a model pupil, and got into an excellent secondary school (Grammar).

I removed him. He's home educated now and it's going swimmingly - I consider myself very lucky that we are in a position to do this - I know not everyone is to everyone struggling with the education system on here. It's pretty shit - I feel quite damaged from my experiences tbh.

I removed my youngest (non-SEN) child from the school as well - I just couldn't keep her there after what happened. She goes to a private school now.

I would also add that I've lost friends as well - I had a nice group of mum-friends at school, and they've all (except a couple, who I cherish) gradually fallen by the wayside. It can be very isolating.

Don't feel a fraud Lynda. So many experiences and understandings will be the same.

For what it's worth (and I feel like a fraud, as I'm a parent of a 3 year old who as far as I know is 'fine,' but have taught SN and particularly ASD for almost 10 years,) I often feel that pupils without a dx of ASD should access the same kinds of approaches (Such as social stories, Earlybird etc) as I know they help with many children with SN (we have used them) but might not be employed in mainstream without the dx of ASD. (Does all that make sense?) As often the expression of anxiety etc comes out in the same way. Also, often SN can be identified and ASD not till much later. (I've seen it even within Sen schools - but maybe dx aren't pushed as needs are met as we use the same strategies?)

Too many brackets and too much brain power employed too early... I hope that makes sense?!

Extreme emotional reaction is a very good explanation, I think the term meltdown is becoming more widely used to describe normal toddler tantrums in NT children.

I used to liken my son's meltdowns to pouring out a glass of coke, ie take a pint glass and place it on the worktop near the edge, open a 2ltr bottle of coke and pour it rapidly into the glass without taking much notice of what your doing, what happens is you are left with is about 33% in the glass and the other 67% all over your worktop, down your base units and all over your floor and you are left mopping up a sticky mess but if you hold the glass at an angle and pour the coke gently down the side of the glass you get a full glass of coke that is fizzy and no mess to clear up afterwards.

If you take my son (the glass) and bombard him loudly with instructions and information (the coke) without pausing to allow the information or instructions to be taken in you would have ended up with worksheets ripped up and scattered, chairs overturned and my son cowering under a desk or in a corner (the sticky mess)

Maddy you are a fantastic advocate for your son and it sounds like the school are trying.

I think the coke analogy is brilliant. Thank you for that one.

My NT son went to primary school 15 years ago which was very inclusive. He had a boy who had downs syndrome in his class, let's call him Jimmy. Jimmy had his own TA. Sometimes Jimmy had a bad day and would take up lots of the teacher's time. Sometimes Jimmy had a good day and his TA was able to spend time with the other kids too whilst Jimmy happily joined in with the rest of the class. It was swings and roundabouts really.

Jimmy was allowed a bag of toys to play with in the playground when the other kids weren't , even at 5 the rest of the class understood why. Other allowances were made but the kids didn't even notice most of them.

Sometimes Jimmy lashed out but his class made allowances for him. Jimmy's classmates were so protective of him, even though they occasionally got scratches or kicked. I don't think any of the kids would have wished for him to be taken away from the school. I believe my son benefited from having Jimmy in his class and he would agree with me as an adult looking back.

It taught the kids empathy and an understanding that some people have extra challenges. Jimmy was a lot more popular than many NT kids because they saw past the downs and saw the funny, cheeky, loving little boy he was.

It's a shame that some people on here didn't have a Jimmy, maybe they might be a little kinder.

dilly I've found that the majority of the time, the DCs in the class with the child with SNs are completely accepting of them, helpful, kind and genuinely see them as part of the class.

It's the potato parents that simply don't want to get it.

enter the coke analogy is brilliant, I'll use that one with people now, thank you!

clarella I agree. ALL children would benefit from looking at social stories. A hell of a lot of adults would as well.

Brilliant zzzzz