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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Invading DD's Privacy'

63 replies

Jellytotsandtinytots · 18/04/2016 15:24

DD has flipped (she is 16 almost 17) because I have opened her post. Yes this does look bad but a few months ago she took an OD and ended up in hospital and CAMHS told me to take sharps etc out her room and I found some letters from people she clearly doesn't know in units which is obviously why she felt the need to OD too. She got a letter through the post so I opened it and it was from a girl in a unit asking her how she was etc but I didn't tell her about it until a very heated argument last night. DD is upset with me and is acting off, was I being unreasonable or do I just care?

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/04/2016 15:28

So you opened her post and then hid a perfectly innocent letter from her? One that she would probably have greatly appreciated. Then you decided to tell her for points scoring during an argument? Nice...

Junosmum · 18/04/2016 15:28

Yes, you were being unreasonable. You did invade her privacy.

I understand you are worried about her and did it out of love but you owe her an apology.

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/04/2016 15:29

YABVU. I understand you're worried about her mental health but you have absolutely no right to open her private letters.

And as for this " I found some letters from people she clearly doesn't know in units which is obviously why she felt the need to OD too." Just wow.

PotteringAlong · 18/04/2016 15:30

Yup, completely in the wrong here. Your heart was in the right place but it wasn't the right thing to do. And points scoring during an argument was completely unreasonable.

OliviaStabler · 18/04/2016 15:32

You were being unreasonable. You could have felt the envelope to see if contained anything more than paper then handed it to her.

I'd be livid with you if you opened my post at that age.

Gatehouse77 · 18/04/2016 15:32

I'd have asked her to open the letter in my presence, explaining why and what my concerns were.

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/04/2016 15:35

I think there's probably more to her OD than just corresponding with 'people in units' - absolutely see that it was done from a place of love but you must see it's unreasonable not just to open it but even more so to keep it. Maybe you need some family counselling..?

DropYourSword · 18/04/2016 15:35

which is obviously why she felt the need to OD too

This sounds so dismissive of what her actual issues might be.

I understand that you might be a worried, caring parent. But you are massively unreasonable to invade her privacy by reading her post. Especially when you have called it 'invading her privacy' like you really don't think you have.

Arfarfanarf · 18/04/2016 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rwilkinson84 · 18/04/2016 15:37

YABVVVU. I can understand you are concerned for your DD and I agree about removing sharp objects from her. Last I checked, letters weren't sharp. The letters weren't addressed to you. Don't know where you're based but this is actually an offence in the UK if you don't have written consent from the individual the letter is addressed to, especially regarding medial issues as she's not classed as a minor.

You owe her an apology for violating her privacy. I am really shocked that you think that letters from people in her treatment unit caused her to OD. And to hide a personal letter of support from her. And then use it as point scoring?

Waltermittythesequel · 18/04/2016 15:37

Is this a reverse?

Janecc · 18/04/2016 15:44

Have you been offered any assistance as to how to help and handle the situation with your DD?

MrsJayy · 18/04/2016 15:49

Life with Your Dd must be tough i can only imagine but you opened a personal letter didnt tell her then told her in the middle of a fight yabu if your Dd is mentally ill then she needs to trust you to do the right thing having friends even if they have MH problems doesnt give you tye right to hide her letters

curren · 18/04/2016 15:51

So you opened her post, hid it from her and then threw it at her during an argument.

I cared for my mum who has mental health issues. It's not easy and we all mess up. But you did invade her privacy. What you did wasn't ok and won't make her better.

Taking Her privacy and choices away from her isn't the answer.

Nataleejah · 18/04/2016 15:53

How awful. You not just invaded, you stole her bloody letter

VestalVirgin · 18/04/2016 15:57

Yes, you are being very unreasonable.

Invading children's privacy is something many parents don't think of as grave offence, but then, the same attitude was once common with regard to violence against children.

As others already mentioned, you could have checked for sharp objects without reading the letter, and you could also have asked her to open the letters in your presence.

There are cases where I would consider it necessary to invade a child's privacy, but in that case, the polite thing would be to announce that you are going to check and why.

Rule of thumb: If you would not approve of the police or other authorities doing it to an adult, you probably shouldn't do it to a child.

Queenie73 · 18/04/2016 15:59

My late niece suffered with a serious mental health issue and her parents made it so much worse by snooping on her- they read her diary and letters, listened in to phone calls and generally invaded her privacy.
Can you imagine feeling paranoid and then being proved right? You should be the one person who will support her and protect her. Withholding mail is very damaging behaviour IMO and could make her withdraw into herself and become much more secretive.
I'm sure it isn't too late to grovel a bit and explain that you were afraid for her and did the wrong thing for the right(ish) reasons. But it might be hard work to persuade her to trust you again.

ollieplimsoles · 18/04/2016 16:11

Out of order on your part completely

Goingtobeawesome · 18/04/2016 16:33

She'll never trust you again. Or at least not this century.

It makes no sense you saying she felt the need to take an overdose because she has friends in the unit.

DementedUnicorn · 18/04/2016 16:36

Bang out of order

ilovesooty · 18/04/2016 17:26

I'd be doing a lot more than "acting off" in her position. Your actions were absolutely unacceptable and disrespectful.

FlyingElbows · 18/04/2016 17:31

Are you suggesting that your daughter took an overdose because someone in a "unit" told her too?

corythatwas · 18/04/2016 17:34

I also have a dd who OD'd and ended up in hospital and I can't imagine what advice you have had from the hospital if you think that was the right way to deal with the situation.

Our Crisis team kept stressing how vital it was that dd was allowed to feel that she was in charge of managing her problems and that we were working with her, not against her.

As for allowing that her problems were her problems and not something caught from somebody else in a unit, like a dose of the sniffles- I don't think anyone would have seen the need to advise us on that, that was just so self evident.

I know this is all horrible and shocking and makes you angry- but your attitude sounds really disrespectful, and that is not going to help either of you.

Sunnybitch · 18/04/2016 17:37

Ywbvu!

corythatwas · 18/04/2016 17:39

Incidentally, how is taking all the sharps away from her and monitoring her post going to stop her if she really wants to harm herself? Does she not have any freedom of movement? I could see why you might want to move things from her room or lock up medicine, to prevent sudden impulses- but surely if she has not been sectioned, a 16yo needs the kind of freedom of movement that means she wouldn't need to have sharp objects sent her by post?

I am wondering if you are not focusing on the idea of things coming from outside because you find it hard to accept that dd has so much unhappiness inside herself? It is hard. I have been there. But realistically I had to accept that if dd was really determined to harm herself I would not be able to stop her. My job was to help her in any way possible to find a way of managing her feelings and to be a person she could trust.

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