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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Invading DD's Privacy'

63 replies

Jellytotsandtinytots · 18/04/2016 15:24

DD has flipped (she is 16 almost 17) because I have opened her post. Yes this does look bad but a few months ago she took an OD and ended up in hospital and CAMHS told me to take sharps etc out her room and I found some letters from people she clearly doesn't know in units which is obviously why she felt the need to OD too. She got a letter through the post so I opened it and it was from a girl in a unit asking her how she was etc but I didn't tell her about it until a very heated argument last night. DD is upset with me and is acting off, was I being unreasonable or do I just care?

OP posts:

MintyBojingles · 18/04/2016 17:44

YABVU. Total invasion of privacy.

I had severe mental health issues as a teen. Letters from teen in similar situations gave me support and hope, not a reason to top myself.

Believeitornot · 18/04/2016 17:45

YABU

Even with my young kids I don't open their post - we open it together as I'm teaching them about respect and respect for each other and their belongings.

bakeoffcake · 18/04/2016 17:53

I have a DD with mental health issues so can understand that you are very concerned for her. However your behaviour is very unreasonable. You shouldn't have opened her post and certainly not hidden the letter.

Maybe you need a bit of support in how best to support your DD but you can start by actually listening to her.

ToadsforJustice · 18/04/2016 17:58

Poor girl. You are completely in the wrong - and you know it. Your DD will never trust you again. Well done.

corythatwas · 18/04/2016 18:02

I am sure it would be possible to rebuild trust, but you have to work at it. Would CAHMS be able to run to any family therapy? They did for us and it was really helpful.

pointythings · 18/04/2016 18:03

As the parent of two DDs who have self-harmed, one of whom has had severe anxiety and has heard voices in the past, I cannot emphasis enough just how wrong you have got this, OP. People who suffer with mental illnesses have just as much right to privacy and self-determination as everyone else. You really, really need to take this on board, apologise to your DD and mean it and never, ever do anything like this again.

Pinkheart5915 · 18/04/2016 18:07

This was wrong on your part.

Somebody with mental health issues need people around them they can trust, you can't be doing things like opening and hiding her Mail how will she talk to you about things if she doesn't trust you.

She is entitled to privacy just the same as somebody with no mh issues.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/04/2016 18:08

You were way out of line, but I expect you know that now.

"Here DD, there are some letters for you. I don't know what they're about but remember I'm here to talk if you need to."

Chottie · 18/04/2016 18:09

You should not have opened her post.

FreshHorizons · 18/04/2016 18:20

I have never opened my children's post - or anyone else's post. I have never had anyone open mine, even when young. YABU.

puddlejumpingqueen · 18/04/2016 18:26

I find not only your behaviour but the way you thought processes come across in your op very troubling.

This is hard for me to say, but speaking as someone who has overcome an eating disorder after 12 years of misery, discovering my stepmother had read my diaries as a teen aged around 14-16 and found a way to monitor my email conversations with friends set my recovery back significantly at the time. I felt even more trapped and felt even more need to assert control over my life the only way I knew how. Please apologise to your daughter, tell her you won't do it again and don't. To this day I do not trust my stepmother with anything at all and have a whole mountain of residual anger (not just the lack of privacy, but a whole host of control issues from her).

TheNotoriousPMT · 18/04/2016 18:29

You invaded her privacy hugely when you opened her post. That you thought you had the right to hide it from her is outrageous. That you blurted it out in an argument speaks volumes.

Invading privacy =/= 'caring'. Knock it off and treat her with a little more respect.

YABU.

queenofthepirates · 18/04/2016 18:38

Oh lordy, you've not done the right thing here. Is there anyone you can talk to to bounce your feeling off? It sounds as though you could do with a big of support to get some perspective and support your DD better.

NerrSnerr · 18/04/2016 18:46

Has your daughter actually told you why she overdosed? It is extremely unlikely she did it because of letters. Why did you read them anyway if all you were doing was removing sharps?

It is fair enough that she has flipped. I would have flipped too. Does she have friends etc that she can turn to as she is probably devastated about this.

Original poster

Jellytotsandtinytots · 18/04/2016 18:49

Okay so I haven't been completely honest with this post but I'm glad everyone has said what they have said, as someone suggested this has been roll reversed, I am 16 and this happened to me and this is how my mum reacted, I wanted to know if that's normal for mums and ask opinions of other mums rather than morons on yahoo or other forums like that, I know I shouldn't be on this site if I'm not a mum but I wanted advice from others who are like my mum. I felt she was completely wrong to open my post when legally I can move out (although she says I can't) and treat me like that etc and I wanted to know if I only thought that because I am the child in the situation but clearly not, thank you all for responding. This post may been taken down because I 'violated the terms' or whatever but I'm glad I got the answers I was looking for, thank you all

OP posts:

bakeoffcake · 18/04/2016 18:55

Oh you poor thing have a ((((hug))))

You don't have to be a mum to post here at all, so don't worry about that. You can see by the responses that you are right, your mum should not have opened your post.

There's lots of places you can get further advice here on Mumsnet. You could post in the Relationships topic if you want some advice about the relationship with your mum.

Are you getting help with your health issues?

BastardGoDarkly · 18/04/2016 18:55

I doubt your post will be taken down. And you are absolutely welcome to post here, you don't have to be a mum, but yeah, people would prefer that you were just straight up honest with your question.

You must feel very betrayed at the moment, your mum was wrong to open your mail.

I bet she's worried sick about you too though, can you talk to her at all?

Goingtobeawesome · 18/04/2016 18:55

You should have posted as you. You would have got support. Reverse threads are never a good idea.

pointythings · 18/04/2016 19:00

You are absolutely allowed to post on here, mum or not. But what you did is called 'a reverse' and it is not a brilliant idea - however, I can see why you did it, given how difficult it must now be for you to trust.

Hopefully you will now be able to seek support on here under your true colours - people on here will be honest with you. Blunt sometimes, but honest. The mental health boards aren't enormously busy, but you will find support there too.

Good luck.

MeadowHay · 18/04/2016 19:04

Hi OP, saw your update. I hope you are ok. When I was your age I had mental health problems too (still do in fact). My parents dealt with it very, very badly and I am convinced that is why I am still struggling to recover now rather than recovering at your age (I was unwell from being quite little). On a few occasions my parents opened my post at a similar age to you and younger, I was very upset and angry. When I was 12/13 I realised they were reading my online chat-logs, then a year or so later my diary, then my texts if I didn't delete them quickly enough, I had very little privacy as a teenager. This really exacerbated my mental health, mainly because I didn't feel like they understood me at all or that I could trust them (and well, I was right about both of those things). They handled my mental illness horrendously in fact it is still painful to think about it now (I'm talking, coercing me into regularly stripping to be 'checked' for any more injuries and threatened that if any were found I would be made homeless, amongst other things).

At 22 I am much healthier and happier than I have ever been. I am married and have pets, and some very good close friends. And my relationship with my parents is the best its ever been, I am especially quite close to my mum. What they did to me was wrong and I don't think I can forgive them but I do have to move on for my own sake and also because I know that they feel ashamed and regret it now that they have a better understanding of mental health problems and that shame is punishment enough. I wish you all the best in your recovery and I am sure things will improve for you, as they have for me. So whilst you may be hurting now and you are understandably upset and angry with your mum, these times will pass and she will hopefully regret her actions later too. All the best.

Pinkheart5915 · 18/04/2016 19:06

Oh sweetie
You could of posted as you, you would of got support. Your mum was out of line.
Although I am a mum You don't have to be a mum to be on here it can be a good sounding board and good for advice.

Are you getting any help for your mental health at all?

Gide · 18/04/2016 19:08

She was BU and it's actually against the law to open someone else's post. She can't watch you 24/7, one presumes you're allowed out alone etc? You sound like you want to move out, but consider the support, financial or emotional whatever you get at home. Damned hard going moving out, a girl I know just did it, same age as you. It's not an easy decision. I hope you have someone you can talk to.

Queenbean · 18/04/2016 19:08

YABU

Waltermittythesequel · 18/04/2016 19:09

The thing to remember is that your mum, while totally out of order, would have done this from worry and love for you (unless she is abusive/controlling?)

I think it was wrong of you to post a reverse because people would have responded differently if you'd been honest from the start.

I understand wanting opinions etc. but my worry is that these responses won't help you communicate with your mum. They'll feed your anger and neither of you will benefit from that.

I don't think your post will be deleted if you are a legitimate poster. They don't necessarily always delete reverse threads.

52dietname · 18/04/2016 19:11

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