'Invading DD's Privacy'

[Jellytotsandtinytots]

DD has flipped (she is 16 almost 17) because I have opened her post. Yes this does look bad but a few months ago she took an OD and ended up in hospital and CAMHS told me to take sharps etc out her room and I found some letters from people she clearly doesn't know in units which is obviously why she felt the need to OD too. She got a letter through the post so I opened it and it was from a girl in a unit asking her how she was etc but I didn't tell her about it until a very heated argument last night. DD is upset with me and is acting off, was I being unreasonable or do I just care?

Good heavens. Surely you could have felt it didn't have anything solid in? If you weren't sure then you could have asked her to open it in front of you.

whoops, have just seen the second post from the OP. Well, if I'd been your mum I would have done what I said, asked you to open the letter in front of me and explained why, which would have been tough for both people, but not unreasonable and not invading privacy. I certainly wouldn't have read the letter.

OP, you don't have to answer but are these friends in units people you've met online? When I was a teenager (and self-harming) I spent a lot of time on a self-harm forum that ostensibly was all about recovery, but it was such an unhealthy place to spend time. This isn't a stranger-danger lecture (although there were plenty of predatory people who weren't who they said they were), but when you surround yourself with self-destructive people you normalise that lifestyle and it perpetuates things and in the end, you stop trying to get better. I think I would have got a lot better a lot sooner if I'd known that. Just something to think about.

Elle, I second your post, also as someone who self-harmed on and off throughout my teenage years. I honestly started getting healthier when I made proper friends IRL that supported me and so gradually stopped making "friends" online. I thought they were helpful at the time but looking back, I don't think that they were. The only exception being perhaps the ChildLine online forums, I found those super useful, maybe something for OP to look into as you can use them until you turn 18 or 19 I think. Likewise you can talk to a ChildLine advisor until 18 either on online chat or by phone, they were my lifeline when I was a very unwell teenager.

This isn't the way to help her.

Please don't do it.

My mother would open my post, look at my bank stuff, read my diary, there was absolutely no privacy and it drove me insane. I ended up getting a post office box and having official stuff sent there before I moved out when I was 20.

I still resent her for it today and don't trust her at all. She is nosy, can't keep a secret, and entitled.

I know it's a different situation but that was always the excuse she gave me when I challenged her - "I was worried". Well fucking just talk to me then.

I know it's probably different with you but there has to be a better way where you can build up a trusting relationship.

Just read your update OP, and you are totally welcome to post here. There are plenty of people all ages not just mums who post here.

I used to SI and had a whole lot of problems when I was a teen, talking to people helped me so much. Bit by bit I worked through it and now I'm happy and enjoying life. I'm sure your mum means well even if she is going about it in totally the wrong way.. Exactly like my mum used to!

I hope you've got some good people you trust you can talk to. Keep going, but by bit life can & will get better!

Your mother was very wrong. I suspect she didn't know how to handle the situation. I'm not trying to justify her actions. I, too, would be deeply worried if I were your daughter and may also make an equally stupid mistake.
I know what it was like to have no privacy. My mother always walked into my bedroom without knocking as it was not my bedroom but part of her house. I hid my diaries because I didn't trust her She monitored my menstustion cycle. She still walks in my bedroom now in my house! So I totally get this invasion of privacy.

Thank you everyone for being so understanding! Someone asked what the argument was about and it was mainly about how she doesn't like my boyfriend (who has had quite severe mental health problems but it much much better now) because he actually stands up to her and encourages me to when I've always just let her say and do what she wants and I let her treat me like I'm 12 but he's fed up of it and is trying to get me to stand my ground and she's noticed this

I don't think you have to be a mum to post here. Reverse posting isn't always a great idea but I totally understand why you did.
I don't think you were wrong to flip out with your mum, if I had done that with DS2 when he was dealing with the worst of his MH issues he would have flipped too. My only consolation is that it was almost certainly a misguided attempt to help you, though I know that's not much comfort.

Also I would say listen to your boyfriend. That doesn't mean freely disrespect her whenever you want to but at 16 you're less of a child and more of a young lady and you deserve a little input in things. One of the things that caused a massive rift between my mum and I was that she was very controlling, even when I moved out she'd be calling me every day to make sure I was doing stuff I was supposed to be doing.

YAB very U.

I've been the teenager on the other side of this exact situation.

While I completely understand your motivation and your need to fell as though you are doing something to keep your daughter safe, you are very misguided.

Invading her privacy like this will cause far more problems than you are trying to prevent. I should imagine it will have an impact of the level of trust and openness in your relationship. These are exactly the qualities you should be trying to build in your relationship if you really want to help.

Also, legally, you have just committed trespass to property. What if it had been a medical letter or had personal information in it that you have no right to know?

Is this the first time you have invaded her privacy like this? I only ask because, as I said, I have been in your daughter's position and in my case, most of my mental health issues actually stemmed from the fact that I had a controlling, emotionally abusive mother who had absolutely no respect for my privacy, boundaries or personhood.

Hi Jelly

Yes technically your mum shouldn't have opened your post,

But if I could offer another point of view, being a parent sucks honestly it's shit sometimes, and throw in the mix your kid who has tried to hurt themselves, ahh babe honestly as a mum your crippled with the need to help step back step in step up, demand beg fuck me it's the scariest thing and place to be in.
As a parent there no handbook no manual no turn it on and off to re boot back to settings, everything and anything can be taken as evidence and used against us.

Until your older and hopefully never in this position, you will,never know the feeling of wanting to watch every breath they take, check them sleeping in the dead of night just to make sure that the covers are still rising and falling which means they are alive.

Desperate to hear the door go which means your in, and wanting to take away the pain and stress you feel. 99% of parents would give their own lives to keep their kids safe, and it kills us when sometimes we can't, and it's even worse when that child is 16 and the law says we are no longer entitled to keep you safe.

It's sucks balls being a teen lovely but please believe me when I say it's fecking terrifying being a parent.