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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag doo in Amsterdam

325 replies

Pixienott0005 · 18/04/2016 11:41

Is it me or would most other women feel unsettled about a shed loads of blokes getting rat arsed near the red light district?

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 18/04/2016 16:35

@JapanNextYear: I don't approve of men who objectify women for "easy titillation", so ... that doesn't make it much better.

Also, I find the suggested idea very simplistic that people are either 100% trustworthy in all situations and circumstances and 100% impervious to group compliance and 100% capable of avoiding doing things they leter regret when off their face, or they are a 100% a complete untrustworthy shit and unworthy of having a relationship.

True, group compliance is a thing.
However, for group compliance to cause you to do something shitty, you have keep bad company. An adult has some choice in that.

Therefore, if a man chooses to have a stag night, and chooses Amsterdam as destination, knowing that his friends like to visit strip clubs, and then chooses to get drunk, then I'd say he is very much responsible if his friends decide to drag him into a strip club.

SquirrelStandoff · 18/04/2016 16:46

Agreed Vestal
I'm thinking of a hypothetical situation, for example a small town where there is a stark choice between being Billy no-mates or hanging out with obnoxious lads. Simply wanting friends can be a slippery slope....
Choosing Amsterdam, on the other hand, for his own stag do is a massive waving red flag.

pearlylum · 18/04/2016 16:47

Vestal and squirrel, I am in agreement.

carefreeeee · 18/04/2016 17:03

Clearly lots of men do visit prostitutes etc in amsterdam...whilst they have wives/girlfriends...as evidenced by this thread. They might not have done it if they hadn't gone. OK some might anyway (eg. the one mentioned above who racked up a massive debt to prostitutes). But I agree with whoever above said people aren't 100% good or 100% bad. A lot are somewhere in between and what they actually do will depend on opportunity and peer pressure.

I think we'd be better off admitting that a large proportion of us have the capacity to cheat on our partners...and having conversations/arranging our lives to make sure we don't fall into temptation. It completely depends on the situation and the person as to whether going to Amsterdam for a stag do would be a good idea. But it definitely ought to be considered in a realistic light. How many times do people cheat and then say 'it just happened...I never meant to hurt anyone'? I think the key is to spot that situation coming and avoid it.

100% trust is a nice concept but I think naive except for a small number of people...(who may of course turn out to be very bad partners for other reasons)

kittykarate · 18/04/2016 17:21

Wasn't there some survey recently that said a high percentage of people would cheat if it was guaranteed that their partner would not find out? So add in the 'code of the stag' where bad behaviour isn't reported back and the idea of a 'last night of freedom' and suddenly you have a situation where you could cheat with (almost) impunity.

TheJiminyConjecture · 18/04/2016 17:37

DH was invited to a stag do in Amsterdam by people he was friends with at school but doesn't see now (fb invite). They haven't grown up in the 15 years since leaving school and have the emotional intelligence and maturity of Jay from the Inbetweeners. If he had decided to go with them I would have been worried. Not in case DH cheated but because a few of them would be very likely to get into an altercation with another group (which could happen at home) but the attitude of "lads on tour" would increase the likelihood.

I know the bride was worried about the groom getting too drunk (she told me a week before at the pub). At the time she was telling me the best man was collecting cash to cover the prostitute for the groom.

There's a reason we don't socialise with these people and DH hadn't seen them in years before we went out that night.

Eurgh.

TheJiminyConjecture · 18/04/2016 17:39

Whoops. Meant to add, if his other friends (or mine) wanted him to go there I'd not have a problem. Other than the jealousy of a child free weekend of course!

SimpleSimonThePieMan · 18/04/2016 17:41

They'd be better off in Prague for that kind of thing TBH. The strippers are much dirtier, let you touch as standard and for the right price you can do anything you like. I think if they were going for a 'fuck anything that moves' type trip they'd be going elsewhere. I think they're prob just going for a good party so you have no need to worry.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/04/2016 18:37

They'd be better off in Prague for that kind of thing TBH

The beer's cheaper too Wink

SquirrelStandoff · 18/04/2016 18:40

The strippers are much dirtier, let you touch as standard and for the right price you can do anything you like.

This kind of comment demonstrates that the distinction between strippers and prostitutes rests in the heads of the 100% trusting wives rather than reality for the 'trustworthy' lads on the stag dos..

SquirrelStandoff · 18/04/2016 18:43

TheJiminyConjecture

Whoops. Meant to add, if his other friends (or mine) wanted him to go there I'd not have a problem.

Are you serious? Hmm

CaptainCrunch · 18/04/2016 18:45

There's a lot more to Amsterdam than sex and drugs. And I think you'll find every major European city has a red light district. This sounds like a you problem.

DerelictMyBalls · 18/04/2016 18:45

My only objection would be that stag parties ruin Amsterdam!

But DH hates things like that so would find an excuse not to go (his own 'stag do' was an afternoon pub crawl with his best friend).

Outnumb3red · 18/04/2016 18:45

My DH had his stag do in Amsterdam. Don't see what he issue is. You either trust him or you don't

WaitrosePigeon · 18/04/2016 18:46

My husband has been a few times. I've never even thought about that to be honest.

SurferJet · 18/04/2016 18:50

Well, as Amsterdam is famous for its red light district I'd be very unsettled. Why choose that place over any other?

Yanbu.

SquirrelStandoff · 18/04/2016 18:50

What do people who say it's fine to have a stag do in Amsterdam/Prague/Germany/etc actually mean by trust? Is trust just turning a blind eye to give you license to shag the postman?

Titsywoo · 18/04/2016 18:51

My dh travels to Amsterdam for work regularly. Not once have I even considered the idea he might be shagging prostitutes.

ilovesooty · 18/04/2016 18:53

Because I know the city so well it wouldn't be part of my thoughts that a trusted partner would necessarily be off shagging any one.

Outnumb3red · 18/04/2016 19:00

If they were going to cheat in Amsterdam cause they 'could' then by extension they would cheat wherever the destination may be. Also, given that I'm marrying the man, I know what him, and his friends are like, and it never crossed my mind in the slightest that they would all rush off to shag the first prossie they encountered. There is a lot more to Amsterdam than the red light district

MyLocal · 18/04/2016 19:03

Mozz chops you are talking rubbish, I have no issues so what is your point? I have been to Amsterdam I have seen the sights which are truly degrading and very sad, i have seen the groups of blokes on stags dos.

It is not the place you go on a stag do for a nice cultural weekend with the boys and a few beers. If you want to see the nice things Amsterdam has to offer, the flowers, the cheese and galleries you go with your OH.

You go to Kraków or Munich or Budapest or Dublin. They go to Amsterdam for spiffs and sex. By that I don't necessarily mean having sex with prostitutes but they look in the windows and go in the shops and put their euros in the peep shows.

So do tell me what my issues are that you talk about? i went with my DH I have no issues, he has never wanted to go there on a stag do.

SquirrelStandoff · 18/04/2016 19:12

If they were going to cheat in Amsterdam cause they 'could'

I think it is a bit more complex. It is not just because they 'could'.
There is also a cultural expectation that they 'should' - both because it is a stag do and because Amsterdam has the world's most famous red light district. Additionally, the very in-yer-face nature of Amsterdam's red light district has a normalising effect, so crossing the line would feel less perceptible and cause less of a moral dilemma.

then by extension they would cheat wherever the destination may be.

I don't think so, not if they had to go out of their way for it and the norms of that city made it felt more elicit, dangerous and transgressive.

HelenaDove · 18/04/2016 19:12

Dr Seth ive never been on a hen night or been bothered about it. Its not my thing either.

smalllondon · 18/04/2016 19:21

ApplePaltrow - You hit the nail on the head perfectly for me.

Outnumb3red · 18/04/2016 19:24

I don't see why Amsterdam means they 'should' cheat. And in terms of cheating, I don't necessarily mean with a prostitute. For example, going to Liverpool etc is popular for stag dos, and hen dos. They could cheat there. That's why I think the destination isn't that relevant in terms of increased chances to cheat