Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to keep this baby

123 replies

n0ne · 18/04/2016 08:04

A little background: I always wanted kids and OH wasn't bothered, but in the end we had DD 3 years ago who he's absolutely smitten with, and is a great dad. Back in July I became pregnant again and he was horrified, despite being aware we weren't taking any precautions. He was convinced his life was basically over just when things were starting to get easier again (DD being manageable at 3) and wanted me to get an abortion. I very reluctantly agreed, but after a few days of agonising, I told him I couldn't do it as I'd resent him forever. So he accepted it, even started to be a tiny bit excited about it, but then I mc'ed at 12w.

Now I discover I'm pregnant again, again due to not doing anything to prevent it. I thought he would just accept it this time, but we're actually back in the place we were before. He doesn't want another, I don't want to abort. He accepts were weren't taking precautions but 'didn't expect' I'd get pregnant again so soon (somehow, magically). I say I can't abort it just because we were too stupid to be careful. He says he doesn't want a baby just because we were too stupid to be careful. AIBU?

OP posts:
ClaraLane · 18/04/2016 08:08

If he knew you were happy to have another baby and he chose not to take any precautions then I think HIBU not you. Do you think he wants another baby but he's too scared to actually "try" for one so would be happy with a surprise? I can't see why he'd be comfortable having unprotected sex if he definitely didn't want another child.

Fairylea · 18/04/2016 08:11

Does he not understand how basic biology works ?! ShockAngry If people don't want to have a baby then precautions must be used, surely he must realise that? On that basis alone I think he is being unreasonable to expect you to end the pregnancy.

UterusUterusGhali · 18/04/2016 08:15

He knew you weren't taking precautions, so he should have done.

It sounds like you already have two children living with you tbh.

Don't get a ToP based on what he says. It's up to you. I would be asking myself if I could raise them both on my own (and you can), as he sounds like a douche.

thingamijig · 18/04/2016 08:23

He is bu. If you don't use contraception then what did he expect would happen?? Tell him if he doesn't want any more babies you have the prevent them being conceived not abort once conceived.
I feel for you. I had a pregnancy scare just last week (def don't want anymore as had hyperemisis with the last one) and hubby said "it's ok we can just abort if you are". I was furious Angryhe didn't take into account my emotional and physical wellbeing in the least. Explaining to him my feelings and telling him what actually happens during an abortion helped and opened up a path for talking.
You guys really need to talk.
And if he doesn't want anymore tell him he needs the snip!!!!
Good luck and hugs Thanks

curren · 18/04/2016 08:26

You got pregnant by accident twice?

In less than a year? And both times he was fully aware you weren't taking precautions? And didn't take any of his own?

He is by. But then so are you to presume he would be happy. After the mc dos you not discuss contraception again?

peggyundercrackers · 18/04/2016 08:48

I would have thought after the last time you would have decided between you what you would do about contraception if you didn't want any more children. He is unreasonable to be surprised you are pregnant again given your not using any contraception and neither is he.

I don't think he is unreasonable to not want a baby but your not unreasonable wanting to keep it either - I think this is a hard one because I don't think either of you should trump the others wishes. Will you resent him if you get rid of it? Will he resent you if you keep it?

Life with two children isn't bad - it's double the joy a:)

PresidentCJCregg · 18/04/2016 08:48

The two of you should have done a hell of a lot more talking before you let this happen twice!!

Sunshine87 · 18/04/2016 08:55

You both to blame here. One for the lack of precautions, you already have a DD so therefore capable of getting pregnant. You have gotten pregnant twice in a year despite knowing your DH doesn't want another child and has been very vocal about it. It sounds as if you will go against his wishes given this is the second time this has happened. I think you need to consider some contraception or your DH does there's plenty of options available it really isn't any excuse. Maybe go to counselling together as it's clear this relationship has some issues which need hashing out otherwise there maybe be some resentment further down the line.

MrsBobDylan · 18/04/2016 09:05

I'm surprised he didn't anticipate you getting pregnant again while using no contraception but I'm also surprised that you didn't anticipate his reaction.

In not talking about your plans together you have taken a gamble that he'll come round to the idea of having another child. I hope it works out for you.

VagueIdeas · 18/04/2016 09:16

I think you should have at least had a conversation with him after the termination along the lines of "Well I'm still not going to use contraception, so what about you?"

I can't believe you've walked into the same situation knowing how badly things went last time.

PeppaIsMyHero · 18/04/2016 09:22

If he's so against having children, make sure that he gets a vasectomy at the same time that you're having a termination to protect him from ever ending up in this situation again.

(I would totally keep the baby, BTW).

Owllady · 18/04/2016 09:24

Did he miss the sex education lessons at school? Hmm

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 18/04/2016 09:30

He sounds like an absolute idiot tbh. Having unprotected sex and getting you pregnant the first time was when he should have bucked his ideas up and been a bit more proactive in the contraception stakes. What did he think was going to happen?

Do you not talk to each other about these potential situations?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 18/04/2016 09:33

He didn't want you to get pregnant, but was ok with having sex without precautions, knowing that you have been shown (twice) to be reasonably fertile?
Where does he think babies come from?

Mishaps · 18/04/2016 09:36

Whatever your decision about this baby, a discussion about contraception is long overdue in your house!!

Or more basically an open discussion about how many children you both want. It sounds as though this is the crux of the matter. Sit down and talk about it or this merry-go-round will go on for ever!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 18/04/2016 09:37

YANBU to want to keep the baby but as a PP said, decide if you can manage with two DCs and without your DH just in case he decides this is a deal-breaker for him. Try not to let him pressure you. It is your body and your decision.

HWBU to think you would be able to have sex without protection and not get pregnant just because he didn't want you to and I think you were both being UR not to have a chat about contraception and what would happen if you fell pregnant again. So, have a chat about contraception now, actually listen to each other and agree a solution for what will happen after the baby comes.

JuxtapositionRecords · 18/04/2016 09:37

Seriously?? This is actual human life we are talking about - it's not a risk taking game. You have both been disgustingly selfish. Stop making babies and THEN making the decision if you want to keep them or not. Decide first what you both want and use protection in the meantime. For fucks sake grow up.

itsonlysubterfuge · 18/04/2016 09:38

Some people don't understand the way you actually get pregnant, ie you don't get pregnant just from sex, but by having unprotected sex in the short window during ovulation. My husband and I have been successfully having unprotected sex without getting pregnant by using family planning as birth control.

Maybe he gets "cold feet" when the reality of a new baby is brought up and takes a while to get use to it. I feel the same way when thinking about having another child. Sometimes I feel positive because I love my DD so much and imagine it will be great having another child. Sometimes I feel negative and remember the years of sleepless nights and despite DD almost being 4, we are only now starting to get ourselves back on track and able to do things like keep on top of the laundry and house cleaning.

It's okay for him to be unsure and even not to want the baby. It's not okay for him to not support you or make you feel like you HAVE to have an abortion.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/04/2016 09:39

You should not allow your partner to coerce you into having an abortion. In that sense YANBU and he is.

His irresponsibility over contraception when he doesn't want children is pathetic. But at the same time you're on here asking this when you've been through the same thing 6 months ago and did nothing to stop a repeat or to make it clear to him where you stood. So you're not exactly a shining example of adulthood yourself. You've both been immature and the strain of that immaturity is going to shape your relationship, and your and your DCs' lives. It would probably be good if you could both grow up a bit so that your DCs have a better chance of a decent childhood - whatever happens between the two of you.

BolshierAryaStark · 18/04/2016 09:43

There are clearly issues in this relationship, a grown up conversation about contraception & family size is long overdue Hmm

ILikeUranus · 18/04/2016 09:54

Is he a fucking moron? Or was he just counting on being able to bully you into an abortion? Do not abort your obviously much wanted and loved baby for this idiot.

specialsubject · 18/04/2016 09:56

The pair of you are as bad as each other. Grow up. I feel sorry for the kid that one parent doesn't want and the other went ahead anyway.

FavaBeans · 18/04/2016 10:06

You both to blame here. One for the lack of precautions, you already have a DD so therefore capable of getting pregnant. You have gotten pregnant twice in a year despite knowing your DH doesn't want another child and has been very vocal about it. It sounds as if you will go against his wishes given this is the second time this has happened. I think you need to consider some contraception or your DH does there's plenty of options available it really isn't any excuse. Maybe go to counselling together as it's clear this relationship has some issues which need hashing out otherwise there maybe be some resentment further down the line.

The op's job in life is not to be available sex toy. He can wear a condom if he doesn't want her to get pg.

Op YABU to continue to breed with this fucking idiot. Keep the baby, ditch the husband.

FavaBeans · 18/04/2016 10:09

If you are honest and he knew you were not using protection and you wanted another child...you were trying to get pregnant. And that's fine, it is fine for a woman to say I am not going to use birth control this is your look out. He was trying to get you pregnant. This is how babies are made.

There are ways of avoiding pregnancy.

eyebrowse · 18/04/2016 10:12

The reason that doctors allow abortions of healthy embryos / foetus' in the UK is that it would endanger the mother's mental health. You need to think whether your mental health would actually be more damaged by aborting rather than keeping the baby (taking into account the mental health consequences of keeping the baby on your relationship - although note he did come round to having another child last time and it might be the case that if he seriously did not want another baby he would have taken precautions).

Swipe left for the next trending thread