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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to keep this baby

123 replies

n0ne · 18/04/2016 08:04

A little background: I always wanted kids and OH wasn't bothered, but in the end we had DD 3 years ago who he's absolutely smitten with, and is a great dad. Back in July I became pregnant again and he was horrified, despite being aware we weren't taking any precautions. He was convinced his life was basically over just when things were starting to get easier again (DD being manageable at 3) and wanted me to get an abortion. I very reluctantly agreed, but after a few days of agonising, I told him I couldn't do it as I'd resent him forever. So he accepted it, even started to be a tiny bit excited about it, but then I mc'ed at 12w.

Now I discover I'm pregnant again, again due to not doing anything to prevent it. I thought he would just accept it this time, but we're actually back in the place we were before. He doesn't want another, I don't want to abort. He accepts were weren't taking precautions but 'didn't expect' I'd get pregnant again so soon (somehow, magically). I say I can't abort it just because we were too stupid to be careful. He says he doesn't want a baby just because we were too stupid to be careful. AIBU?

OP posts:
curren · 18/04/2016 16:47

My point is, if he did not want more children, he just had to say it.

He wanted you to have an abortion. I can't see how his feelings were not clear

PeppaIsMyHero · 18/04/2016 16:48

Good luck tonight, OP! Let us know how it goes... Flowers

Waltermittythesequel · 18/04/2016 16:51

The pair of you need to grow up.

37?

My 15 year old niece would have more sense than the pair of you ffs.

Janecc · 18/04/2016 16:54

You're flabbergasted he wanted an abortion. When he wanted an abortion last time. God lady, you really are in denial!

Arkwright · 18/04/2016 17:00

What a mess you have got into. You both need to grow up and take some responsibility. Life is so precious.

Original poster
n0ne · 18/04/2016 17:01

Really, curren? He wanted me to terminate originally, then later on got excited about the pregnancy, and was upset when I mc'ed. He then continues to not use BC. And I'm supposed to conclude from that that he definitely doesn't want any more kids? HmmApologies if that sounds narky, I'm not being. I'm genuinely dumbfounded that everyone thinks I'm a complete and utter idiot. A bit of an idiot, yeah, but c'mon, mixed messages or what?

Anyhoo, thanks everyone for your time and comments, negative and positive.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 18/04/2016 17:03

It's not mixed messages, though.

It's no messages.

Two adults who 'get caught' and one of whom thinks the solution is just to get rid!

Your opinions are polls apart yet you've never thought to actually have a grown up conversation about it? That's what's shocking.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/04/2016 17:04

It is not unfair to bring a child into the world with only one parent what a pile of crap.

It is also not unusual for woman in their late 30's who are hoping at some stage to have a baby to not use chemical contraception.

She was very open about not using it she was also very open that she wouldn't have a TOP.

Dummykiss · 18/04/2016 17:06

Did you have any conversations at all about more dc?

SeptemberFlowers · 18/04/2016 17:09

He's being an idiot.
If you don't use contraception then you're trying for a baby. I fail to see how this is a hard thing to understand. Hmm

DoYouLikeBirds · 18/04/2016 17:11

He didn't want the baby the second time you found out you were pregnant, so you continued to have unprotected sex, and now you're pondering over why he doesn't want another for the third time? Why knowingly introduce a child into such a situation?

You're both to blame as two mature adults. Surely this won't end well no matter what path you choose.

pearlylum · 18/04/2016 17:18

OP you must bear some responsibility for this situation.

I would never want to become pregnant by a man who didn't want a child.

curren · 18/04/2016 17:19

And I'm supposed to conclude from that that he definitely doesn't want any more kids?

No you are meant to act like a grown up and discuss it. Together

It is not unfair to bring a child into the world with only one parent what a pile of crap.

I think it's unfair to plan to bring a child into the world where one parent doesn't want it. Yes I do. That doesn't mean every one whose babies father doesn't care should get an abortion.

But I don't think it's fair to plan to have a baby when the other parents doesn't want it.

Bogeyface · 18/04/2016 17:21

The OP made it clear that she wanted another child and was not using BC so imo yes, this is all on him.

Its very very simple for a man to prevent a pregnancy, but as he didnt use a condom it is not unreasonable to assume that a pregnancy wouldnt be a disaster for him.

I have always held the belief that in a mismatch of wants over having children it is the person who doesnt want anymore that must take responsibility for contraception. Apart from anything else it prevents accusations of "accidentally on purpose" pregnancies should contraception fail.

specialsubject · 18/04/2016 17:22

it is an annoying office inspirational poster, but 'assumption makes an ASS of U and ME'

or more accurately, 'assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups'.

anyway, OP says there is going to be a grown up conversation tonight so that's good. Abort or not is 100% the choice of the pregnant person, but the unnattractive reality is either an abortion that the OP doesn't want (and I would therefore really hope doesn't happen) or another baby that the husband doesn't want.

and for the love of whatever, do start using real contraception!!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/04/2016 17:23

He knew she was not using chemical or barrier contraception he could have chosen to use a condom.

19909ninty · 18/04/2016 17:24

I'll be honest here my OH really didn't want my son he begged me to abort but it really genuinely was an accidental pregnancy and even though I didn't speak to his dad for quite a large part of my pregnancy (7months) I never once regretted not having an abortion

19909ninty · 18/04/2016 17:24

My last post is aimed at those saying it's unfair to bring a child into the world when one parent doesn't want it.

TrinityForce · 18/04/2016 17:27

It's a daft position to put yourself in, innit?

You only have hard choices to make, it would have been better to have a frank discussion after the last pregnancy and save yourself the pain that's about to come.

Best wishes for you, it's very hard to argue with your DH in that position.

FavaBeans · 18/04/2016 17:30

He accepts were weren't taking precautions but 'didn't expect' I'd get pregnant again

Favabean retread my post I said op or her DH could use contraception. What's to say op told her DH she was on contraception but didn't use it?

Do people really believe a woman should take hormonal birth control or refuse to have sex in a happy marriage with their partner when they want a child because their partner doesn't want to use bc? No one is stopping him getting a vasectomy or wearing a condom. He knows how babies are made. Why does the onus always fall on the woman to provide a consequence free fuck hole?

curren · 18/04/2016 17:33

No one has said its all her fault or she has to be 'free fuck hole'.

Both of them knew the situation. Both of them. He is wrong as much as her.

She knew he didn't want a baby. He knew he didn't want a baby.

Both of them could have declined to take the risk.

228agreenend · 18/04/2016 17:34

No, you are not AIBU for wanting the baby.

If you want to keep,the baby, then carry on with the pregnancy. I think you will regret it more having an abortion, then carrying on.

FantasticButtocks · 18/04/2016 17:43

He is being ridiculous. If he felt strongly that he didn't want another child he should have made sure that couldn't happen. Instead he's been irresponsible, and now wants you to go through a termination you don't want when you've recently miscarried. You must be very upset.

Anyway, you've said you're not having an abortion, so that is that. If he tries to persuade you, then HIBU and, actually, cruel. But as he's texted to say all will be well, then maybe he's had time to think and has changed his mind, wants a sibling for dd, wants you all to be happy. I hope so Thanks

pearlylum · 18/04/2016 18:11

You have both been irresponsible.

ILikeUranus · 18/04/2016 18:11

If I was 37 and really wanted another baby, and my h wasn't keen but not of a strong enough opinion to use contraception, or even bring it up after accepting a previous pregnancy, I don't think I'd be avoiding my fertile window tbh! The baby is wanted, she or he was, in a sense, planned, insofar as the OP and her husband were knowingly having unprotected sex even though it was mostly the OP actively trying and the h passively. I don't think the OP is 'getting pregnant and then deciding whether to keep it' at all. The h might be. I think people are being pretty harsh to the OP here.