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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to keep this baby

123 replies

n0ne · 18/04/2016 08:04

A little background: I always wanted kids and OH wasn't bothered, but in the end we had DD 3 years ago who he's absolutely smitten with, and is a great dad. Back in July I became pregnant again and he was horrified, despite being aware we weren't taking any precautions. He was convinced his life was basically over just when things were starting to get easier again (DD being manageable at 3) and wanted me to get an abortion. I very reluctantly agreed, but after a few days of agonising, I told him I couldn't do it as I'd resent him forever. So he accepted it, even started to be a tiny bit excited about it, but then I mc'ed at 12w.

Now I discover I'm pregnant again, again due to not doing anything to prevent it. I thought he would just accept it this time, but we're actually back in the place we were before. He doesn't want another, I don't want to abort. He accepts were weren't taking precautions but 'didn't expect' I'd get pregnant again so soon (somehow, magically). I say I can't abort it just because we were too stupid to be careful. He says he doesn't want a baby just because we were too stupid to be careful. AIBU?

OP posts:

Janecc · 18/04/2016 18:26

God this reminds me of when I was 20 with a Greek boyfriend on holiday in Greece visiting his family. We went off for a few days with his friend and his girlfriend to a hotel. They didn't want to get her to get pregnant but the only way to buy condoms was in small pharmacies and neither of them wanted the embarrassment of getting some so they were using the fingers crossed method. Apparently it was very uncommon to use birth control/condoms. They didn't talk about it and hoped for the best. She was 18 and he was about 20/21. Not 37. I thought they were terribly immature then at their age. I bought them some bloody condoms. I don't expect they used them.

Mrskeats · 18/04/2016 18:32

Honestly? You both need to grow up

YorkieDorkie · 18/04/2016 18:39

Yes Mrs I agree if you are arguing about whether or not to abort then the pair of you are being VVVU. If you don't want more children then please stop getting pregnant.

Not a lot you can do now unless you do decide to terminate. I think he's being unreasonable to demand that you abort so please make a decision that is best for the child.

YorkieDorkie · 18/04/2016 18:44

Sorry that was a bit garbled. I'm saying you're both being unreasonable for getting into this situation twice. But I appreciate its like closing the stable door blah blah... Like PP have said - you need to do some more talking. I'm not saying you're BU for arguing about abortion I get over zealous when typing.

raisedbyguineapigs · 18/04/2016 18:46

You have sex 3 times a year and don't even seem to engage in basic conversations? Doesn't sound like a marriage made in heaven to me. Have the baby. He'll either be delighted again, or bugger off.

Gide · 18/04/2016 18:58

I'm pro-choice, but to have the DH tell you to get an abortion when you're in a stable relationship and you want another child and he was upset at the MC? What the hell, man? Do you two ever talk??

Pro-choice or not, I was sickened when a girl at uni went for her fifth abortion because her BF 'didn't like using contraception' and she couldn't take the pill (we're going back a bit here) It's not a form of birth control. Have a fucking brain and sort it out.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/04/2016 20:34

are arguing about whether or not to abort then the pair of you are being VVVU. If you don't want more children then please stop getting pregnant

But she appears to be quite happy about being pregnant and wants a baby.

She has not deceived him in any way, he knew she was not using any type of contraception.

YorkieDorkie · 18/04/2016 20:54

Needs that's what my second daft post was for I posted before rereading and knew it would be misinterpreted! I appreciate she's happy to be pregnant - I'm not disputing that at all. Simply that her OH clearly isn't happy to be expecting again so to have two accidental pregnancies and STILL not use contraception is bonkers.

Then I refer again to my close stable door horse bolted comment.

OP is NBU to want to keep the baby however she's being VU to not use contraception when she knows her OH doesn't want another baby - he is ALSO BVU about this. Contraception is not her responsibility alone!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/04/2016 21:15

I don't think it is that bonkers.

Providing all are honest and nobody is deceiving anybody the outcome is not all that bonkers.

She gets pregnant because he knowingly chose not to utilise a method within his control, he either lives with it happily or walks away.

It's only bonkers if she can't handle the chance he may walk away

missymayhemsmum · 18/04/2016 22:36

Congratulations OP , and hope he comes round to the idea.
You don't say whether there are circumstances/ reasons (other than the father being terrified) why you shouldn't have another baby?

with all respect though, dear, you were thinking with your womb not your brain, weren't you.

Original poster

n0ne · 19/04/2016 05:30

So we had the long overdue conversation. We both admitted we were fucking idiots. He said he didn't want another baby because it's too much work (also in terms of working, he wants to go to part-time so he can study and further his career, and also get a better work-life balance), and he feels we can't really afford it. I said we just needed to do things differently and all that was doable still. I said I couldn't deal with a termination psychologically, and def not after it was our own damn fault we got pg. He said he couldn't dispute that, knows he could never understand how that would be for me, so it's not happening. I made a point of NOT asking what the hell he thought he was doing foregoing BC if he didn't want another, as it's pointless to blame each other. It was a hard but positive conversation and we're as strong as ever afterwards.

Thanks again everyone for your criticism and support.

OP posts:

MoonriseKingdom · 19/04/2016 06:35

Pleased to hear it n0ne and good luck!

Once you have had this baby you both need to sit down again and have a serious chat about contraception.

Isetan · 19/04/2016 06:59

I made a point of NOT asking what the hell he thought he was doing foregoing BC if he didn't want another

So you finally have this long overdue conversation and you make a conscious decision not to talk about how you got into this mess FOR THE SECOND TIME, roll on 'accident' number three.

Original poster

n0ne · 19/04/2016 07:43

You misunderstand me Isetan. We both admitted not using BC was idiotic if he didn't want kids. I just didn't make it his fault (as that's not constructive and irrelevant now anyway). We talked about future BC, of course! I suggested a vasectomy, he winced at the thought but whatevs, there will be some form of permanent BC after this baby.

OP posts:

Squiff85 · 19/04/2016 07:54

This is ridiculous! I can't believe two adults could be so stupid.

Janecc · 19/04/2016 07:58

Good now you can get on with your pregnancy. And please please make this work you are bringing an innocent child into this world. I think the vasectomy would be best performed during pregnancy. And yes, he can wince, it's a strollin the park compared to childbirth.

cornishglos · 19/04/2016 07:58

You are both completely unreasonable and stupid. Why can't you have these conversations before you get pregnant? Why can't you use protection until you jointly decide you want children? Why can't you do that??

whois · 19/04/2016 08:07

Good update I think

WellErrr · 19/04/2016 08:36

Congratulations OP

For future reference though, AIBU was not the right topic for this

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/04/2016 11:03

That sounds like a constructive conversation OP. Good luck.

Quook · 19/04/2016 11:13

It sounds like you will work things out but I can't believe how stupid and childish you have BOTH been. I was expecting to read that you were in your early 20's [sad,

It's not fair to risk bringing children into families when they are not wanted by both parties. Accidents happen but no one can claim 'not using any contraception' was an accident.

AyeAmarok · 19/04/2016 11:40

Glad your chat went well OP.

I have absolutely zero sympathy for men who "don't want a baby" but have sex without a condom.

TheRealCornholio · 19/04/2016 13:45

He fucking winced, did he?

Ask him how he thinks a 10 minute procedure compares to pushing a human out of your vagina? Or even to an abortion or a miscarriage?

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