Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to keep this baby

123 replies

n0ne · 18/04/2016 08:04

A little background: I always wanted kids and OH wasn't bothered, but in the end we had DD 3 years ago who he's absolutely smitten with, and is a great dad. Back in July I became pregnant again and he was horrified, despite being aware we weren't taking any precautions. He was convinced his life was basically over just when things were starting to get easier again (DD being manageable at 3) and wanted me to get an abortion. I very reluctantly agreed, but after a few days of agonising, I told him I couldn't do it as I'd resent him forever. So he accepted it, even started to be a tiny bit excited about it, but then I mc'ed at 12w.

Now I discover I'm pregnant again, again due to not doing anything to prevent it. I thought he would just accept it this time, but we're actually back in the place we were before. He doesn't want another, I don't want to abort. He accepts were weren't taking precautions but 'didn't expect' I'd get pregnant again so soon (somehow, magically). I say I can't abort it just because we were too stupid to be careful. He says he doesn't want a baby just because we were too stupid to be careful. AIBU?

OP posts:
KondosSecretJunkRoom · 18/04/2016 11:30

I think you OH is unreasonable, dim and immature.

But how can this be a surprise to you? You have a dd stuck in the middle of this relationship where nobody is talking about what they want from the future and working out compromises/ deciding their futures are incompatible and then taking responsibility for those decisions.

Either he will stick around or he won't but in either case your dd would be better served by talking, mature, pro-active parents.

nocoffeenouppee · 18/04/2016 12:13

You've both been incredibly irresponsible here. By continuing to have unprotected sex with the knowledge that you are fertile and have opposing views on a second child you have created the situation where either ToP is misused as contraception (and make no mistake I am very pro choice) or a child is born to a parent that doesn't want it. You have behaved like teenagers. Actually I take that back. Many teenagers are more sensible.

Lovewineandchocs · 18/04/2016 12:54

Being reckless about contraception and not expecting to get pregnant again "so soon" is not a reason to abort a baby. You said that the last time you got pregnant you didn't go through with an abortion as you would resent your OH forever if you had. If you feel the same way now, no way should you have an abortion just to placate him. I think it sounds like you were secretly hoping to get pregnant again, especially as he had started to get a bit excited about your last pregnancy. It sounds like you would eventually split anyway if you had an abortion as your resentment would destroy your relationship. So do you terminate just to please him, taking that risk? Or do you keep a much wanted (on your part) baby and risk splitting up over that? I know what I would do, only you can make the decision about what you would do.
Kat Flowers and I'm so sorry about your gorgeous little angel x

Janecc · 18/04/2016 12:58

What a mess. Please stop and sit down and have a conversation with him. It is very hard when you desperately want another child, I know. I didn't choose to have just one child. I HAD to have only one for health reasons. Now that you are pregnant, it is your body and your choice but I don't think either of you should be in this situation.

ohforfoxsake · 18/04/2016 13:04

For all the irresponsible behaviour of you both, you are in the position where this is your decision and yours alone. Ultimately it will be you who has to live with it either way.

He sounds immature, and thinks abortion is a contraceptive choice. It isn't. It is a tough decision, and one that carries guilt and sadness and shame. And you live with that forever. It gets easier, but you have to do what is right for you, not him.

Original poster
n0ne · 18/04/2016 14:29

I don't have time to read and reply to the whole thread right now as I'm at work, but a couple of things: I did want another child (at some point, and I'm 37 so not got all the time in the world) hence not bothering with BC. I assumed (yes, stupidly) that he would be on board as he also didn't bother with BC. We have sex about 3 times a blinking year so I guess he assumed I wouldn't get pg 2 of those times! Also to the pp who went on about watching your cycle, I do, and I was actually trying to avoid my fertile window but I must have ovulated extremely late.

DH is not a useless idiot, I promise. He's actually very kind, caring and considerate (a real metrosexual, if you will) but we obviously have a communication breakdown. We're going to have a long overdue discussion tonight. But in the meantime he sent me a text saying 'all will be well', so we'll get there.

OP posts:
curren · 18/04/2016 14:36

I am just stunned that an adult man didn't think a woman could get pregnant from sex.

And a woman assumes a man will be happy if she gets pg, even when he has already shown he isn't.

I do hope all will be well and you actually talk about the next one

Hillingdon · 18/04/2016 14:42

It sounds like something from the Kyle show! Its more than a communication breakdown...

MoonriseKingdom · 18/04/2016 14:51

I think you have to take a bit of the responsibility here. Yes he shouldn't have had unprotected sex if he didn't want a pregnancy. However, why did you presume he was happy for a baby, why didn't you talk to him about it? Having a baby is such a life changing event that presumption is a pretty bad idea.

What's done is done though. I personally wouldn't have a termination in your situation but only you can decide.

GarthNader · 18/04/2016 14:52

I wanted 2 children, had 2 children and then my wife became pregnant with our third by accident. I can't say that we ever wanted it aborted but it did cross our minds and I honestly thought we were going to be unable to cope. She was born and wet love her so much. We thought we'd finished having children and then we had this precious gift. He might not want the child now and he might worry but he also might change his mind once it arrives.

JuxtapositionRecords · 18/04/2016 14:54

Hmm convenient that you have sex so little, map your fertile window to avoid it and still get pregnant twice by "accident".

You took a gamble and got pregnant as you wanted another baby. A gamble that involves discussing ending a life (for a second time). Well done - let's hope he "gets on board" hey? To say both of you are selfish doesn't begin to cover it.

Original poster
n0ne · 18/04/2016 15:04

It's extremely INconvenient, thanks Juxtaposition! But I've got bigger fish to fry than worrying about people accusing me of lying on the internet.

OP posts:
Janecc · 18/04/2016 15:32

Yes you've got a bun in the oven to cook or spoil. Shame when you so want a child. You must just be incredibly fertile so from now on I would assume every shag is a potential baby.

ApplePaltrow · 18/04/2016 15:46

But I've got bigger fish to fry than worrying about people accusing me of lying on the internet.

Like taking a basic sex ed class?

AppleSetsSail · 18/04/2016 15:50

Good grief, have you two tried having a conversation? You're both as bad as each other.

LagunaBubbles · 18/04/2016 15:58

I did want another child (at some point, and I'm 37 so not got all the time in the world) hence not bothering with BC.

I was actually trying to avoid my fertile window

Im a bit confused as these two statements dont really tally.

19909ninty · 18/04/2016 16:02

'I just assumed'

Assuming something never gets you anywhere especially when it comes to something as important as pregnancy and making a family you both have to be on the same page.

If he doesn't want more children he should have done something to stop you getting pregnant saying that if you knew he didn't want anymore children especially after last time maybe you should have been using some form of contraception or realised you both want different things from the marriage

Canyouforgiveher · 18/04/2016 16:06

continue the pregnancy if that is what you want (clearly it is)

Your dh will have to deal with it. I have little sympathy for him since he couldn't be bothered with contraception so he must have some idea that a pregnancy was likely.

If you stay married, for god's sake tell him clearly that you are taking no responsibility for contraception and he should have a vasectomy if he wants to be certain there will be no more pregnancies.

VestalVirgin · 18/04/2016 16:11

Keep the baby. Always keep the baby over the guy.

If the relationship ends, he can have more children with another woman. You do not have that choice, not at 37. (How long did he want to postpone the pregnancy? Some women try to get pregnant for years, so starting to try for a baby when you're 40 seems a bit risky)

However, make it clear to him that, from now on, he needs to wear a condom if he doesn't want any more babies. Should be obvious, really.

Also, make it clear that he is to take full responsibility for the child and will not get out of changing diapers by claiming that he didn't want a baby. ( I get the vibe that he doesn't want to be responsible, so risks pregnancy and then tells you that HE didn't want it)

MummyBex1985 · 18/04/2016 16:11

YANBU to want to keep the baby.

However, YABU to be in that position in the first place. Sorry.

You really need to communicate more.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2016 16:13

The two of you need to grow up.

JuxtapositionRecords · 18/04/2016 16:16

But 'people on the internet' were good enough for you to ask if you should keep your baby, the baby you now call inconvenient. Not that you would ever admit it but I'm willing to bet your first DD was an "accident" as well considering your DH didn't want kids back then but you did.

I'm 100% pro-choice and its your body, your baby etc etc. But situations like this make me despair.

Original poster
n0ne · 18/04/2016 16:34

DD was not an accident. I clearly told DH I was coming off BC and he understood the implications of that. In this instance, (and the one last year) he also knew I was not using BC. My point is, if he did not want more children, he just had to say it. And I would have accepted that. We both adore DD (and he's a very hands-on dad) and I was starting to feel like I was getting my life back as she's gotten older. So if he'd said no more, fine. But he didn't. Nor did he do anything to prevent another pregnancy happening. Twice. I categorically do not want an abortion. I do not see abortion as BC. I didn't think he did either. Again, we should have actually discussed that. We will tonight, as I'm so flabbergasted by his point of view, it's so unlike him.

OP posts:
JuxtapositionRecords · 18/04/2016 16:40

He told you to abort the baby last year - that was probably a clue that he didn't want more kids. And yes he is an idiot for not using protection but you can't really play the 'I thought he would be fine with it' card. And a baby's life isn't really a risk you should be taking anyway.

Anyway I have said enough now. Good luck.

curren · 18/04/2016 16:46

Yes he knew your weren't taking BC, so that makes him an idiot for being surprised.

You, however, carried in having unprotected sex knowing his feelings too. You knew there was a good chance you would get pregnant with a baby that's not wanted by one of its parents.

That's irresponsible to the child as well. It's a child. Not a toy.

I don't feel bad for him or you. I feel bad for the baby.

A conversation should have happened

You - 'I am not taking BC anymore and want another baby'

Him - 'I don't want one'

You - 'well then we need to decide about birth control and have a proper talk another child as I want one and it's not something we can compromise on'

Then make a decision together about protection and wether you do have another baby.

Not hope he comes round to it once you are pg.

Swipe left for the next trending thread