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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it wasn't my fault that her coat got dirty

504 replies

NatureRun · 18/04/2016 08:00

In a busy coffee shop with 8-month-old DS and our NCT group. A woman pulled an extra chair up to join her friends at crowded table next to us. She sat down within grabbing range of DS and before I could stop him he twisted round in highchair and grabbed hold of her pale grey coatigan thing that she'd draped over chair and wiped his mouth on it Shock He had prune puree and yogurt around his mouth as I was feeding him Blush

Woman jumped up angrily and told me off. I apologised profusely but she was really angry. She insisted I pay for dry-cleaning. I refused (had she been nicer I may have offered) but she was making a scene and I loathed her.

If you sit within grabbing distance of a prune-covered baby surely that's not my fault? Or am I BU?

OP posts:
Sunshowercap · 18/04/2016 10:14

YABU. You should pay for her dry cleaning. It was your fault.

If you sit within grabbing distance of a prune-covered baby surely that's not my fault

I can't believe how entitled this sounds - so basically it's her fault for daring to sit in a cafe near your child?

fascicle · 18/04/2016 10:17

PaulAnkaTheDog
Pretty reasonable to assume she was sitting in an acceptable place.

The OP said the woman grabbed an extra chair to sit at an already crowded table. Also that the woman's coatigan swished close to OP's baby's face when she put it over her chair. So I don't think you can assume the woman was 'sitting in an acceptable place' (or at least not one free from risk).

pictish
From a legal point? Keep your wig on! Grin

I think your levels of excitement about this are greater than mine. It's one basis for looking at whether the OP has any obligation. When you tell the OP it is her fault, her responsibility, apart from your opinion, what's your basis for that?

Lanark2 · 18/04/2016 10:18

I think that the whole nation has a responsibility to tolerate and be warm hearted towards young children so I think coatigan woman was out of order. Ok to be miffed, but not to attack other people because you are miffed. Part of being a human iin society is realising there are other humans about!

wishiwasrunning · 18/04/2016 10:19

So she dangled her coat in front of your baby and was surprised it got mucky?

It was her own fault that she was not aware of her surroundings and wasn't looking after her belongings properly, she shouted at you because she was cross with herself and was embarrassed. I bet her friends thought she was over reacting.

You did nothing wrong, don't give it another thought.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/04/2016 10:20

She doesn't need to Slowly your question has no baring on this situation Hmm It's just you asking an awkward question to deliberately put myself and pictish in an awkward position because you don't agree with us. Your intentions are transparent and annoying.

LaConnerie · 18/04/2016 10:22

YABU. No, she shouldn't have been rude about it, but your baby, your responsibility, so you should pay up IMO. Don't really see the relevance of how quickly it happened?

SpecialSnowflake · 18/04/2016 10:22

I reckon the dog analogy works, if it's a puppy.
Recently I went up to an on-lead muddy puppy, got within jumping distance, unsurprisingly the puppy jumped up at me and got my jeans and coat muddy.
The owner was sweet enough to apologise but it was entirely my fault for getting in range.

You have to engage your eyes and brain when out and about, if you choose to sit next to a high chair there are obvious risks (noise, mess, and frankly smell!).
I reckon the OPs apologies were enough.
Coatigan lady was justified in being annoyed but mostly at herself for being unaware of her surroundings. There was no need to be a twat about it.

ExConstance · 18/04/2016 10:23

So, we now not only have to tolerate large groups of mothers and babies we also have to give them a wide berth and not complain if they damage our clothing? I won't even be going into any café if I see such a group in there.

WorraLiberty · 18/04/2016 10:24

She could get to fuck if she expected me to pay for dry cleaning with that attitude.

The apology was more than enough.

Sometimes shit just happens and we have to suck it up.

If I had sat that close to a baby eating in its highchair and my coat got mucky, my only thought would be, "Oh Worra you twat. You should have seen that coming".

It's just one of those things.

honkinghaddock · 18/04/2016 10:25

I would have offered to pay but I would have been very pissed off about being shouted out and would have made that very clear. Babies and young children grab. Some older children and adults with learning difficulties grab. There is only so much you can do to stop it.

gandalf456 · 18/04/2016 10:28

Technically, she's right but I'd never demand a payment for something that's been dirtied and broken - maybe from a shop (they have insurance and it doesn't happen often ).

You'd given a sincere apology. Perhaps you should have offered but if I'd have been on the receiving end of her outburst, I d be likely to think o sod it then

MsMommie · 18/04/2016 10:29

YABU! How dare you take your untrained feral baby into a public place for an NCT meeting and FEED him!
Of course it was YOUR fault. You didn't train him properly.

FFS! Get real people, an 8 month old baby not a bloody puppy.
If you're stupid enough to squeeze a chair up a crowded table within grabbing distance of a bunch of babies/toddlers then tough really.
I WOULD have offered to pay for the dry cleaning but not if she started getting all crazy on me and demanding I do it.
I'd have flicked the rest in her face.
Stupid cow.

SpecialSnowflake · 18/04/2016 10:30

ExConstance tolerate? You really think mothers with small children are something to be 'tolerated'?
As a pp said, this is society. If you don't want to mix with it in all its forms, the onus is on you to moderate your own behaviour, ie avoid the undesirables and don't sodding well sit right next to them and then be abusive when an accident happens.

pictish · 18/04/2016 10:33

Slowly Why are you asking me that? Seems pointed but I'm not getting the relevance? Can you rephrase?

MetalMidget · 18/04/2016 10:35

If I was the mother of Pruney McTinypants, I'd be mortified and offer to pay for cleaning. My child = my responsibility - l think most people wouldn't expect a baby in a high chair to turn and grab their stuff.

If I was Madame Coatigan, I'd be slightly annoyed but mostly amused and feel sorry for the mother, and say, "No, that's OK, don't worry about it".

liz70 · 18/04/2016 10:38

"If a car drove past her and drenched her coatigan in muddy puddle water would she run after the car demanding dry cleaning?"I'm

Actually, drivers can and have been fined for drenching pedestrians in this way. They're supposed to, if possible, avoid the puddle, but if not, then at least slow down if someone is walking by.

Re the OP, is it just me that wonders why clothes are always or so it's claimed dry clean only when a stranger gets them dirty in public?

pictish · 18/04/2016 10:39

I re-read the OP and replace the word baby for disabled adult as you seem to be suggesting, and I found it doesn't apply and might even be considered insulting.
A disabled adult and a baby are not comparable.
So i don't know what you're asking me.

MistressMerryWeather · 18/04/2016 10:42

Because it sounds fancier than asking for the money for a box of Daz , Liz.

gandalf456 · 18/04/2016 10:43

Daz is cheaper too. You might as well milk it if you can.Wink

SleepyBoBo · 18/04/2016 10:44

I'm laughing at all the posters that think the OP should have paid for the lady's dry cleaning. It was an accident, thank goodness normal people realise these things happen. Or should I bill the council next time I get gum on my shoe, or my clumsy friend the next time she spills a bit of drink on me? It was a bit of baby food, not the end of the world - anyone with an ounce of common sense doesn't sit close to a feeding baby unless they are the one feeding them.

lljkk · 18/04/2016 10:44

I think I'm coming down on YANBU side... because sounds like coatigan owner was oblivious to how much she had entered the space of the baby. I mean, how much can a small baby reach out of a high chair (not far, they have little arms). Coat bearer had to have been extremely close & very oblivious to another human being. If you rush into the space of another person, expect to get their mess on you.

honkinghaddock · 18/04/2016 10:46

Some adults with disabilities have grabbing or mouthing behaviours but I think they would be less tolerated by others than a baby doing them.

unlucky83 · 18/04/2016 10:57

If she hadn't pulled up an extra chair to squeeze in YABU -but seeing as she did and you did apologise I think that's fair. YANBU You don't owe her for cleaning. A bird could have crapped on her walking down the street, she could have sat in something yucky etc etc - these things happen and I think as she put herself into that space it is her fault. And by the sound of it her reaction was way over the top - made you less likely to want to offer to pay for cleaning etc. I have some sympathy - how people react to you determines how you react to them.
I had a cafe and coat chair incident a few months ago. Left DCs at a table at the far end of a cafe whilst I went to get cake/drinks.
There was a group of about 8 people all squeezed around one table (for 4). They had taken chairs from one table and also put coats on the backs of chairs on another one . Completely blocking two and partially blocking one of the 3 possible routes to our table. As I started walking to our table with a full heavy tray another person joined them - draping her coat over the top of a few coats already on a chair ...I had to go past the coat chair to get to our table. I may have caught her coat with my hip or coat or something and it started it sliding but I wasn't aware I had until I heard it fall and looked back. I continued to my table (one table length!) to put the tray down, turned round to go back and pick up the coat and apologise etc to find the woman already picking her coat up and giving me the most evil glare - her whole table were staring at me....the vibe was awful...
And honestly that made me feel 'fuck you' - you didn't give me the chance to do the right thing, what else could I have done? I'm not even sure I even touched it, it wasn't the most sensible place to put it and anyway you lot aren't exactly being considerate...
(I just ignored them and ate my cake - and they probably think I am incredibly rude ...when the waitress was clearing the tables she asked them to rearrange themselves better ...so it was easier for us to get out, I just kept my head down ...)

Marynary · 18/04/2016 11:05

YABU. If you had damaged the woman's property yourself you would expect to pay and it is no different if your baby/child/pet caused the damage as you are responsible for everything they do (unless someone agrees to take responsibility e.g. a childminder).

She was very unreasonable to have a go at you though so I can understand why you refused to pay in some respects.

Slowlygettingthehangofthings · 18/04/2016 11:06

I don't see the difference Pictish. Both should be shown a little consideration as both may have a limited ability to understand the consequences of their actions.