to tell potential BIL the truth.

[ForTheSakeOfFuck]

Apologies in advance. To avoid drip-feeding this is going to be pretty long.

A few years ago, we found out that SIL had run herself into an epic amount of debt. The kind of amount that if you won it, you might even think about retiring. The details are pretty identifying so I can't go into them but it's enough to say that it was a combination of massive loans and burning through money that had been entrusted to her and she has literally nothing to show for any of it, ffs. Anyway, after she lost her house her DPs stepped forth and put another roof over her head. (I wouldn't have been so kind, but easier said when it's not your child.) All the while, they kept asking, "Have you told us about EVERYTHING you owe now?" and she kept swearing that she had, and then time and again, something new would come out from missed bills to unpaid bank loans. She is, by any standard, extremely secretive and would not have confessed to any of the debt had it not come out by accident, and she even tried to hide what she'd done via some ridiculously crap fraud that could have actually landed her in prison if the relative had wanted to go that far. In short, her finances are shot. If she does nothing but repay her debt for the rest of her life, she might finally clear it when she's seventy. She will never have a mortgage, she'll probably never get credit, and as far as her DPs are concerned, she can't have anything in her name for fear that it'll get frittered away, so she's effectively on permanent financial probation with them. (Again, not my choice of solution, but what can you do.)

Second factor: she's also a disaster with relationships. She either picks truly awful characters, or if she finds a semi-decent one, she goes so overboard with jealous control that she sends them running for the hills. None of her relationships make it past the two year mark and most die a gruesome death before six months. Finally, for good measure, she's increasingly desperate for babies (she has none so far), and time is moving on for her. Back to the present: A couple of months ago she started seeing someone new. He's a complete step-change from her past efforts - solvent, serious, quiet, hard-working, stable - in fact I'm kind of at a loss to figure out (a) why he isn't already taken and (b) what he sees in her. Whatever the case, DH and I think that if she has a shot of making a family happen with anyone, this guy would be a great option, BUT we don't think she's told him about her finances. She swears that she has, but knowing her character as I think I do, I wouldn't put it past her to have brushed it all off as "a little bit of money owed", if she's even said that much, and then rush to get pregnant, because, by her logic, he'd then be stuck with her. We're not sure what to do. Do we pull him to one side and make sure he really does have all the facts? Or do we stay out of it and let it all go however it's going to go? He's a nice guy and I think he deserves to know, but I'm also conscious that it's meddling in someone else's relationship and I'd be furious if someone did that to me. Then again, if she were a serial batterer, I wouldn't hesitate to tell him. I just don't know where the line is drawn here. Also, selfishly, if it all goes wrong and he leaves, it'll end up becoming our problem. She barely gets on with her DPs anymore - no surprise - and she can't even run her own household, so as a single mother there is simply no way she wouldn't end up crashing and burning.

In her favour, I want to say that she is a great auntie to our DCs - they bloody love her, and after a lot of failure and mess, I REALLY want her to finally have some stability and joy and a focus outside of herself in her life. I also think that with the right support around her - and maybe this guy could be it - she would probably grow into a great mother and partner. I would be properly and seriously delighted relieved if he knew the truth, and despite it, they could still live happily ever after, but what's the right way forward? Do we shut up and watch and wait? Or speak with the guy? Or what?? and if you read this far!

Difficult. Honestly, I'd want to know if I were the man involved. Just as I'd want to know if my prospective partner were a spouse beater.

But you'll have to realize that it will cause a huge problem with SiL if you do tell and it breaks up the relationship. But it'll also cause a huge problem if they marry and he finds out you knew about this and didn't tell him.

For those wondering how it has anything to do with us, SIL's relationship with her parents is strained to breaking point and they would be delighted if she became someone else's problem (i.e. this new guy's). And then if it does all go wrong, the doorstep she's most likely to turn up on is ours.

Why is this your problem though? It's not your brother dating her. She is an adult dating: yes she's made dreadful decisions in the past but it's her responsibility to declare this to people she starts dating. You don't even know how serious their relationship is.
You can only bring pain to your SIL and family if you take her new partner to one side and sling mud at her allowing him to "escape" this relationship. This really is not your problem. If you choose to make it your problem just be prepared for the inevitable huge family fall out where your SIL goes NC with you, your Pil take her side and call you a meddling busy body and your DH is forced to defend you at every turn whilst inwardly agreeing with his family.

You're convinced she's lying to him, she's financially depleted her parents and she would financially deplete him. I think you should tell him - it would be one thing if she was just bad with money, but being in debt for what, half a million pounds at least? That's exceptionally fucked up.

What I'm saying is yes it would be shit of a nice guy got screwed over by your SIL. But you don't know if she will do that, you barely know him or what skeletons he's got in his closet; and are you willing to go to the lengths of alienating your own family to "protect" a stranger from information he may already know?

Can you imagine if this was reversed though?

"I have had money problems in the past, and still owe a considerable amount which I am paying back but it's slow. I have finally met a lovely guy and it's early days but we get on so well. He knows I have debt but not all the details as its only been a few months. My SIL has always been judgemental of me and we aren't close - I have just found out she took my new boyfriend aside and told him all about how much I owe and that I am crap with money! I am gutted!"

Op, I went bankrupt 7 years ago. I have a crap credit rating. I've been single 5 years and am a single mother. If you were my sister in law I can honestly say I would never talk to you again if you told a guy I started seeing about my past. It's none of your business, and your superiority rather than genuine concern shines through in your post.

To me, it sounds like

a) you definitely want to tell him

and

b) You're hoping that the result of you telling him will be the end of this relationship

So that your drama llama SIL who has wastefully frittered away a trust fund she didn't deserve and is now living with PILS doesn't get to have a happy ending with a nice DH and the babies she so desperately craves.

And you'd like to be the architect of that not for BILs sake, as you suggest but because you REALLY, REALLY, dislike her.

YABU

Twirlypoo, the OP is talking about an amount that you'd retire on, if you had won it in the lottery.

That's not just bad luck and being crap at finances - and unlike you, this person hasn't turned her life around. She lied and minimised as she was being rescued by mummy & daddy.

I don't know if I'd directly tell him, but I'd try to find out how much he knew before making a decision. Maybe openly talk about it in front of SIL and gauge her reaction?

I don't know. I'd normally be one for keeping my beak out but a similar situation happened in my family years ago. My uncle had some very serious MH issues that his parents knew all about. He met and married my aunt (my mum's sister) within a year while he was pretty stable. She knew nothing about the issues. They reared their head the day very suddenly and terrifyingly three months after the wedding when she was completely floored by his sudden change in behaviour. She was already pregnant. They were Catholic, divorce was unacceptable and unpalatable to her so she spent 25 terribly unhappy years with him partly because of his MH issues, but mainly because he'd omitted to tell her about them. She wasn't actually all that angry at him. His judgement as skewed and he as ill. She was extremely angry at his parents who she thinks should have told her.

They're divorced now, but she feels she wasted the best years of her life on a lie.

I do see where you're coming from OP. I'd stay out of it myself but I don't know if that's the right choice. Very difficult.

EverySongbirdSays Uneblievable as it may be, I actually want her relationship to work. I want her to be happy, and to have the babies she's been desperate for. She's been miserable for years. That's not nice to watch. But what if this were you getting into a relationship with someone who was massively in debt, and everyone around you knew, but no one told you? I very much want to do the right thing. I have no clue what that right thing is.

I agree with Imperial, normally I'd happily say MYOB, but that kind of financial mess is life changing for him too.

^^ I agree too. Normally I'd keep out of it but I suggest your DH has a word with him. A one off mistake is one thing but she sounds like a whole new level deceitfulness and irresponsibility.

I don't think you sound unpleasant in your OP, you just sound concerned and fed up with her.

I appreciate that this is not the point of the thread but why hasn't she opted for bankruptcy? I can't see any other way of her resolving things.

Is there a reason why she hasn't been declared bankrupt? Just if it such a massive amount as I'm imagining surely that would be a better option?
WRT to the man, if I were in his position I would want to know but no idea how you would tell him without coming across as a shit stirrer because obviously she is going to wonder where the information has come from when he confronts her.

I would be furious if people knew about a level of debt so deep someone would never be able to have a credit card/mortgage/etc, and didn't tell me, especially if they knew she could hide it for a considerable period of time. Furious.

That is life changing. He should know what he's tying himself to.

fuck I might well wish someone had told me, but I wouldn't be expecting that someone to be my new partners own family.
I would also take resonsibility for myself, not blame others for not telling me.

So are you going to tell every solvent, serious, quiet, hard-working, stable ...... guy she ever meets all about her financial crapness ? just leave her to disaster date the awful characters yep no point trying to "save" them.......

The right thing is to stay out of it, it's not your place. The UTMOST you could do is discreetly suggest to her that she might tell him and even that's overstepping a bit.

RE : Health issues I'd be RAGING if my health issue was disclosed to a partner by a relative before I had had the chance to do it myself, it's not anyone else's place - it is something my sister would probably bring up in a Lady Mary Crawley type way just to be a cunt though

OP I don't think yo sound judgemental, just conscientious. But I do think you should wait and see. It sounds like a fairly new relationship so calling him potential bil may be getting ahead of yourself.

Are you close enough that you can raise thus with pil? What does DH think?

here's a thought, maybe he knows, and just dont care?

shocking, but not everyone gives a shit about money..

doesn't care*

Have you told any of her previous boyfriends?
Or is it just this one who might actually be the one?
You sound fairly determined to do it anyway despite the fairly overwhelming YABU response.

There are worse things she could be than in debt. As pps have said, if we're talking vast sums of money and a list house why has she not declared bankruptcy?

Think carefully before you get your jollies telling this guy because your kids who love their aunt so much may very quickly be without her.

OP, what happens when you do tell him and he leaves and then she meets someone else? Are you planning on doing this to every man she meets to ensure she remains alone and childless til you deem her "ready" or "fit" for it?

My understanding of it (and I have this from her) is that whilst she works she can't be declared bankrupt. I think she's been subjected to some sort of court orders, but I've seen no evidence of it. At this stage, we can't even mention her debt in front of her because she blows up. To be fair, I understand how that's come about. Her DPs said they'd forgiven her but are endlessly punishing her for it, so the whole subject is just a minefield now.