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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off re shoes on in the house

516 replies

JeVoudrais · 17/04/2016 13:20

Had visitors round this morning. I didn't answer the door as was occupied and came down 15 mins later.

Shoes on. In my carpeted living room. When they left, I asked DP and he said they always keep shoes on when they come. I expect it is because we have dogs. They know perfectly well that we rug doctored not long ago and that the dogs do not go in the living room with wet or dirty feet, though.

Regardless of how hygienic they think my carpet is, would it not be polite to at least ask regarding shoes? We have always removed shoes ASAP in their house because they take theirs off and it is expected of their guests.

I have OCD and am having a meltdown inside currently. AIBU to tell them in no uncertain terms next time that SHOES ARE NOT ALLOWED and ban them from my house if they want to keep them on?

OP posts:
rumpole1 · 18/04/2016 12:40

inlandTiger. It's just a thought I had but it's a fact that some people do have smelly feet!. It's not always their fault it's just that they suffer from a condition called Bromodosis. It might be very embarrassing for those people if they had to remove their shoes!.

I have never had a friend come to my house and removed their shoes. Wellies are a different matter. People have door mats for wiping your shoes on for goodness sake.

Yseulte · 18/04/2016 12:43

I didn't suggest it was a class thing, I was responding to others' suggestions that it was.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 18/04/2016 12:45

I would as it goes Manhattan, yes

You would describe yourself as 'genuinely posh?' How very Hyacinth of you. Grin

Yseulte · 18/04/2016 12:51

I didn't describe myself as 'genuinely posh', I said that anyone who was wouldn't ask you to take your shoes off...

rumpole1 · 18/04/2016 12:55

Manhattan. you just don't get it! Confused

pinkcan · 18/04/2016 12:56

Only a serious twat would wear their shoes into the home of someone who not only has a shoes off house, but suffers with OCD. It obviously means that person is panicking and worrying about the shoes/germs/contamination to the point where that is their sole focus and they cannot get on with the rest of their life. Their heart rate, blood pressure and stress levels will be up. Nasty, mean and selfish to make a person with OCD suffer like that.

My PIL have a strictly shoes off everywhere house. They always have and now that both are nearly 80 and have suffered with cancer, stroke, disability etc, they still have shoes off everywhere. It's a priority for them and anyone who won't take their shoes off isn't welcome. My MIL likes things to be hygienic, it's is her home, they worked their asses off for decades to pay for it and it will be respected by visitors or they will be ejected.

chunkymum1 · 18/04/2016 12:57

From what I've read here I think I must be a bit off by MN standards- I been asked (very politely and almost apologetically) if I would mind removing my shoes when entering someone's house and have not been offended at all. I don't think there is a social norm in this country and unless my shoes were particularly dirty I would not automatically remove them but understand entirely if someone has a 'shoes off' rule. In my own home family remove shoes and I ask visiting children to do the same but don't usually ask adults to.

It sounds like your OCD is making this more of an issue for you than usual OP (I think you've acknowledged this). Could you perhaps speak to your friends and explain that you have this problem and that it would really help you if they wouldn't mind taking off their shoes when they visit? I wouldn't contact them specially to ask this, as it would sound a bit like a telling off, but just wait until they next visit and say it at the door. I very much doubt that they would object especially if they take their shoes off at home.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 18/04/2016 13:01

I didn't describe myself as 'genuinely posh', I said that anyone who was wouldn't ask you to take your shoes off

Of course Grin

I couldn't agree less. All the big ol' piles and 'posh' houses in our family tend be pile through the door, boots and shoes off, scrunch up in chairs and sofas by the fire because the heating in many big old places is shite. Everyone has battered baskets by the door for people to chuck their shoes into.

No-one would be so crass as to 'ask.' No one would say anything if someone didn't, but I've yet to see someone who thought they should curl up on a sofa in outdoor shoes...

But we may well have different ideas of posh. Grin

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 18/04/2016 13:03

Manhattan. you just don't get it! confused

I await your enlightenment?

Please, what don't I 'get'?

treaclesoda · 18/04/2016 13:11

ah, well, curling up on the sofa is a whole other issue, isn't it? I curl up on the sofa at my own house, feet up under me etc but I don't think I've ever done it at anyone else's house, or had anyone do it at mine (although I would have no objections if they did, as long as the shoes were off).

This thread has got me really analysing how everyone behaves in my house, and how I see them behave in their own houses!

Fruu · 18/04/2016 13:17

I'd rather lose a friend than have someone potentially traipsing dog poo, broken glass, mud, petrol and goodness knows what else over my carpets. Especially now that I have a baby crawling all over them!

IMHO it's extremely rude not to ask if you should take your shoes off when you're a guest, in the same way as it would be to assume you can smoke in someone's house without knowing if they're a smoker or allow it indoors.

If you have stinky feet or medical issues that mean you need to wear shoes at all times but have shoes-off friends, buy a cheap pair of indoor-only house slippers or shoes (or even shoe covers!) and bring them along on visits. My parents and their friends are all shoes-off people, and my father has a pair of special house sandals that he changes into when he comes indoors - they have never been worn outdoors and he packs them when he travels or goes visiting. Shoes-off households will not usually have a hygiene objection to indoor-only shoes.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 18/04/2016 13:22

I'd rather lose a friend than have someone potentially traipsing dog poo, broken glass, mud, petrol and goodness knows what else over my carpets

Good grief, what do people have to walk through to get to your house Grin ?? Don't most people avoid treading in dog poo anyway, not because of carpets? And what about the huge big heap of broken glass, petrol and poo by your front door, once you've got people to take them off?

Most people would ask, almost anyone in the world would take off if their shoes were covered in anything unpleasant, but asking people, as soon as they get through your front door, to remove shoes is - in my opinion - really rude. Fail to see how 'hygiene' comes into it, either, unless you eat off the floor!

pinkcan · 18/04/2016 13:27

Anyone who drives needs to fill their car up with petrol. Petrol stations have spillages all the time so yes, you will get traces (at least) of petrol/diesel on your shoes if you go to a petrol station.

Dogs shit over all pavements. People do pick up but smears are often left. These get on people's shoes.

This is the case everywhere. Shoes off in my house or don't come! My children use my floors as a play area so I don't want anything grim on them.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 18/04/2016 13:33

That just seems so much bother to think up! Ok, so then in your kitchen there'll be splatters of oil, albeit very small, on the floor, and crumbs, and bits of meat juice, and I wouldn't want my nice clean socks touching them. Or my special 'visiting slippers', because I've got to put them back in my bag to walk home! I could put them in a plastic bag I guess, but I'd have to use a new one every time, and they got 5p now!

And what about when guests fill up with petrol and they've got a bit on their hands? Or if they've had their change back from the cashier, and weren't wearing gloves? All those horrible horrible germs all over their hands - hands which they might then use to touch a mug in your house!!

This obsessing about bacteria and hygiene has gone too far, with too many people, I think.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 18/04/2016 13:33

*they cost 5p!

Awalkinthepark1 · 18/04/2016 13:53

Hygiene and babies!. I definitely won't be visiting Fruu's house. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. First my shoes off after I've checked to see what I've tread on. Should I wash my hands first or wait till I've drank my tea because I must not forget that I've just filled up. Should I hold the baby before or after I've washed my hands.
If I was ever asked to remove my shoes before entering a friends house I would just leave as I consider it to be very bad manners.

Yseulte · 18/04/2016 13:55

Manhattan

What your family choose to do, isn't representative of an entire class. What family do at home is a different matter to what you ask of your guests.

In all my life, I have never been asked to remove my shoes within my extended family, friends, acquaintances. Nor would I ever ask guests.

In big houses where the heating isn't very thorough, the floors may be stone and wood, it can be cold and it's not practical not to wear shoes.

In the case of old valuable carpets, you protect them or you walk round them. Of course you don't put shoes on a sofa, but that's a separate issue.

However if I visited someone and removing shoes was expected, I would do so out of respect for the host. Not wearing communal slippers though.

Yseulte · 18/04/2016 14:00

I see your Irish, I'd say perhaps it's a different culture, but I've spent enough time in houses in Ireland to know that's not true. If anything it's more relaxed.

Natsku · 18/04/2016 14:01

YANBU, your DH is BU for not asking them to take their shoes off as he knows about your OCD (and they were BU not to take them off anyway as they know that's what you want)

Shoes off/shoes on are cultural things, someone raised with one rule will never understand someone raised with the other. Where I live its culturally engrained since childhood to take your shoes off, even in nurseries, primary schools and certain health centres (maternity clinics and child health clinics), you never have to ask as everyone does it automatically, but in other places its completely different and people will think you're a weirdo if you take your shoes off.

gandalf456 · 18/04/2016 14:08

I know people who ask me to take shoes off for cultural reasons and it doesn't offend me. I don't like people barking at me while I'm still in the doorway for non-cultural reasons, though, like my BIL. Personally, I don't/wouldn't do that. I think it's different to ask kids, though, as they tread in all kinds. But it is rude to keep shoes on if someone has requested you take them off.

AimUnder · 18/04/2016 14:09

If you've got dogs who go out and bring in germs etc using the same room, I don't understand how you can enforce people to take shoes off

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 18/04/2016 14:12

What family do at home is a different matter to what you ask of your guests

Happily, most guests (family and friends generally) tend to live in a similar way. If someone wanted to keep their shoes on, they'd probably be the only one, but any good host will turn a blind eye, make them comfortable and it would be a non issue. I'm very relaxed about the whole thing.

It's quite funny to see how passionate people are about 'their' way of doing things though. It's as if there is an actual right and actual wrong, rather than, y'know, people simply preferring different things in their homes…

I simply respect the home I'm in, and my host's way of doing things. That's just old fashioned manners though.

Yseulte · 18/04/2016 14:23

It's quite funny to see how passionate people are about 'their' way of doing things though

Ironic in the circumstances.

Tbh I think your idea of 'posh' and the reality are quite different.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 18/04/2016 14:35

Ironic in the circumstances

Tbh I think your idea of 'posh' and the reality are quite different

You're chippy beyond belief! What on earth is your beef? Where is the 'irony'?

So I have an 'idea of posh'? I wasn't aware of it... I simply described what happens to shoes in our houses. It all seems to mean a lot to you though. However, that probably makes you very, very 'posh'. Grin

HolditFinger · 18/04/2016 14:43

I really, really hate taking my shoes off when I call on people, but I do it regardless if I know it's a 'no shoes' house.

I'm always a little amused when people do it here, even though I'm in my own house with shoes on, explaining that it's not a big deal. Hard floors are easy to mop!