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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off re shoes on in the house

516 replies

JeVoudrais · 17/04/2016 13:20

Had visitors round this morning. I didn't answer the door as was occupied and came down 15 mins later.

Shoes on. In my carpeted living room. When they left, I asked DP and he said they always keep shoes on when they come. I expect it is because we have dogs. They know perfectly well that we rug doctored not long ago and that the dogs do not go in the living room with wet or dirty feet, though.

Regardless of how hygienic they think my carpet is, would it not be polite to at least ask regarding shoes? We have always removed shoes ASAP in their house because they take theirs off and it is expected of their guests.

I have OCD and am having a meltdown inside currently. AIBU to tell them in no uncertain terms next time that SHOES ARE NOT ALLOWED and ban them from my house if they want to keep them on?

OP posts:
MadameDePompom · 19/04/2016 16:26

And what about the dog's bumhole?

Natsku · 19/04/2016 16:26

Bumbling I keep crocs by the front door for quick trips outside e.g. taking the bins out and I just shift them to the back door if I'm going to be in and out of the garden. We have the neighbourhood kids in and out of house all the time and they always take their shoes off at the door no matter how many times they go in and out - they're raised to do that so they don't even need to think about it as its just second nature by the time you're 3 years old or so.

Jukebox20 · 19/04/2016 16:27

I would walk in their house with your shoes on, when they ask why you haven't taken them off I would reply "oh I thought it was ok as you don't take them off at mine" 😂

LilyTP · 19/04/2016 16:29

I like to take my shoes off at home - it feels more comfortable.

I like to take my shoes off in other people's homes (luckily none of my friends have yucky carpet) - it also feels more comfortable there.

I prefer people to take their shoes off in my home, whether they are there for a cup of tea, to read a meter, for dinner or for a party - it just feels nicer not to think about outside dirt being trodden across my floor.

Even clean people, who are careful and considerate can accidentally walk through a bunch of white emulsion paint on their way to our house and walk it across my teal carpet - it's happened before.

Even if you don't think you've trodden in dog poo - every time it rains in London; dog and fox poo, bin juices, spit and human wee from Friday night are diluted across the pavements, people walk through that - and then walk into their houses.

I don't think it's rude to ask someone to take their shoes off, I'm not saying my friends are dirty or careless, I'm saying the streets are dirty.

ps I happily hand out ski socks to the cold-of-feet
pps no one has ever, openly, complained
ppss a vast majority of visitors ask if we'd like them to take their shoes off

GraysAnalogy · 19/04/2016 16:29

I'm not a shoes off person but good god people clean your dogs bumholes. I didn't actually realise just how shitty those things are until I started doing it. Bawk.

Natsku · 19/04/2016 16:31

It's a class thing No, its a cultural thing.

MadameDePompom · 19/04/2016 16:32

It's a class thing in the UK.

GraysAnalogy · 19/04/2016 16:37

Can you explain the class thing, what class is it exactly?

There's only a few people I know who do it. My mums mate used to do it, she was Lady Muck and always trying to pretend she didn't live on a council estate like the rest of us 'riff raff'. The other people I've known to do it are all a bit like that actually thinking about it. Just a personal observation though from my area and social circle, not an observation of people on this thread obviously!

DeeJaneH · 19/04/2016 16:39

I think you are absolutely right !! unless they have no idea you have OCD. It isn't a secret is it? then surely to goodness they would already know how you feel. A line of shoes are always by the front door at my house and the natural assumption is then to remove theirs. Even the Doctor that visited asked if he should remove...of course he didn't need to and neither do my guests, but if I am expected to remove my shoes at my in-laws I expect the same respect in return. I have noticed more recently children that come to play automatically remove their shoes, I think it's fab !

ladybird8131 · 19/04/2016 16:42

It's an interesting thread. I too believe it's a cultural thing.
LilyTP summarised it perfectly, why it makes sense to take one's shoes off and how for most people it's just authomatic. I agree next time you go around to their house keep your shoes on and see what they say. And get visitors shoes.

IsmellSwell · 19/04/2016 16:47

How do the 'shoes off' brigade manage when people come round all dressed up for a special occasion, birthday party, or Christmas, Christening etc.
Do you expect your guests, who have gone the bother of carefully choosing an outfit, to then have to sit around with bare feet? Confused

It's the height of rudeness.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 19/04/2016 16:48

It's a class thing in the UK

People have myriad reasons for taking shoes off though. We've always chucked outdoor shoes into baskets in the hallway. We walk every day, often across fields etc. Then there's someone who wants pristine carpets (we haven't got them downstairs), or someone who has a germ phobia, or OCD, as with the OP.

How is that a 'class thing'?

It doesn't matter anyway. As a few PP point out, when you're a guest you do as your host prefers. When you're in your own home, you do as you prefer.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 19/04/2016 16:51

Also having young DC is a huge factor. A friend has 6 kids. It's a shoes off house. The house would be filthy otherwise, How is that a class thing?

Lnfb85 · 19/04/2016 16:58

I think it's unreasonable to ban them... I have a no shoes on the carpet rule. I have wooden floors downstairs. When I take my son swimming instead of throwing out the shoe covers I keep them. I use them to go on the carpet in my house if I've just put my shoes on and forgotten something upstairs. I think it's reasonable to buy a box of shoe covers and ask guests to wear them if they don't want to take their shoes off.

Personally I don't feel comfortable with shoes on, so always take mine off at other people's houses, but some don't feel comfortable without shoes and we have to be mindful of that- just force them to have bright blue plastic covers over their shoes!!!

catinthecradle · 19/04/2016 17:05

Traditionally, it is a class thing.

Working class clean their own floor, the upper class have an army of staff to do it! Big old house have wooden floor, or something easy to clean anyway. The modern ones have horrible carpets. Upper class people have houses designed to be lived in, because they don't have anything to prove. People with social aspiration have show rooms, designed to be admired but where you are not allowed to breathe.

I am definitively working class, but having dogs and kids I am happy with floors that will be bleached/ zooflora when necessary.

glassrobot · 19/04/2016 17:09

We are a shoes off house and the kids know to take them off at other peoples houses, and sometimes take them off ar restaurants too as its so ingrained. I always remove my shoes at other people's houses unless that would leave me barefoot, in which case it must be warm and therefore very unlikely that my shoes are wet or muddy!

I haven't RTWT yet but am I the only one that is completely not ok with the idea of being asked to wear 'guest slippers'?
NO FREAKIN' WAY!! I'd be like 'not to worry I'm not stopping long!! '

IsmellSwell · 19/04/2016 17:17

Is it some sort of class marker? It sounds like those people who keep the plastic on their furniture to prevent it getting marked or something

I too think it's a class thing -
What I would call Hyacinth Bucket Syndrome.
'Shoes Off' people are usually from humble stock, but are desperate to be seen as posher than they are.
Asking people to remove their shoes is the modern day equivalent of always ensuring your doorstep is polished and your washing is hung properly on the line.
It's important to be seen as clean

I doubt whether the really monied people ask their guests to remove their shoes.

and ducks

IsmellSwell · 19/04/2016 17:22

Upper class people have houses designed to be lived in, because they don't have anything to prove. People with social aspiration have show rooms, designed to be admired but where you are not allowed to breathe.

Definitely a class thing.

LisaC7 · 19/04/2016 17:38

Shoes off! Watched my daughter walk through some puke (too late to stop her). She had no idea. It got walked off but let's face it that contamination along with other was still there.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 19/04/2016 17:40

Shoes Off' people are usually from humble stock, but are desperate to be seen as posher than they are

There are really, really mean little comments on this thread. Why on earth is this kind of thing necessary?

I doubt whether the really monied people ask their guests to remove their shoes

And ludicrous comments.

There is an chasm of difference between being a family who don't wear habitually wear shoes in the house (those who curl up on sofas in front of fires…), and those who issue bags and guest slippers at the door and have immaculate carpets.

catinthecradle · 19/04/2016 17:45

The comments are not mean, FirstWeTakeManhattan, they are true!

No point going into details, but let's say most of my family is working for upper class people. Said people enjoy big gathering and constant diner parties. I have never heard of anyone taking their shoes off, or asking their guests to wear slippers. Mud rooms have a purpose, but guests coming to a diner party don't tend to arrive covered in mud!

MammaBean1988 · 19/04/2016 18:04

It's your house! YANBU. Your house, your rules, it's a perfectly reasonable non-intrusive request (not like you're asking them to buy themselves special slippers to be worn only in your living room, or only wear bamboo fibre socks when they're coming round.)

You have a right to have your boundaries respected all the time, not least in your own home, and if this is a trigger for your OCD then there is no excuse for guests not to remove their shoes.

If it's a problem for them - and they are the ones being rude, not you.

Best of luck

Sprink · 19/04/2016 18:11

I don't think the OP's OCD should determine whether or not it's "okay" for her to have a shoes off policy.

My point is that anyone should be able to determine how she runs her own home without having to disclose her mental health to others. Fecking outrageous.

Natsku · 19/04/2016 18:13

Everyone is shoes off where I live, from the poorest to the richest. Don't know what people do for 'dress up fancy' dinner parties as I'm don't ever have those kind of parties nor have friends who have them but all other parties I've been to have been very much shoes off.

And an example of how cultural engrained it is - they built a new section in the park two summers ago and they put down an astro-turf-like mat under the climbing equipment and all the children automatically took their shoes off when they got to that bit of the park.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 19/04/2016 18:14

The comments are not mean, FirstWeTakeManhattan, they are true

Some of the comments here are awfully mean. Nasty little digs at people for living how they want to live.

My in laws are very old money. They are very relaxed, very at ease with themselves and guests. They have the basket-in-the-hallway for boots, riding stuff and shoes. They wouldn't dream of ordering anyone to take off their shoes, but they choose to themselves.

According to this thread, they are 'desperate to be seen as posh', 'unwelcoming' 'pathetic' and all manner of other horrible insults.

Some people are extremely defensive about their way of doing things, to the extent that they just can't tolerate anyone being different.