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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For someone to buy DC toys for another persons house?

154 replies

Ohsotired123 · 16/04/2016 23:25

Ok SIL is currently coming off as a bit of a pisstaker to be honest. She's done my head in tonight.

This is the fourth post in probably 5 weeks or so that she's put on Facebook with pictures of toys she's bought saying 'toys for nannys house' 'more toys for princess's at nannys' etc. Quite good toys. The latest is a wooden dolls house and she's ordered all of the furniture. DD is 8 months and doesn't live with her nanny, she lives at home.

Mil has a good range of toys already At her house, a big plastic storage box full of all sorts of toys and books, other non musical toys etc. She has loads! A really good selection.

It just seems she's trying to compete or something, buying all of these toys not for my DD own house but for her mums house. Why?! A dolls house can't be used for atleast 2 years As she's only a baby at the moment, so why buy it? [Removed by MNHQ to protect OP's identity].

Mil told me SIL is now on the look out for a slide for mil house!

Does it seem to anyone else a bit stand offish and a bit OTT.

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 17/04/2016 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RudeElf · 17/04/2016 17:54

Ahhh! Your MIL is going to be looking after baby while you work, presumably at her house? Yes this thread is making a lot more sense now.

veryproudvolleyballmum · 17/04/2016 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RudeElf · 17/04/2016 17:58

Yep. What ^she said.

Toria2014 · 17/04/2016 18:12

I can see why you are feeling the way you are. There is a lot of stuff going on by the sounds of it.

You will always be your child's mother no matter how many toys are at your MIL's house. No one can change that. Your SIL is desperate for a child of her own so is spoiling yours. [Removed by MNHQ to protect OP's identity]

Floggingmolly · 17/04/2016 18:17

Is your MIL going to be looking after him at her house while you work?? That's a pretty massive drip feed Hmm. In your op you just say the toys are "in a house he doesn't live in", making it sound like you visit every six weeks or so.
Would you prefer if there weren't any toys there?

OTheHugeManatee · 17/04/2016 18:20

I can understand being a bit territorial about your own child.

But this child is not an extension of you - she's a person in her own right. One that you have a huge role taking care of when she's so young, of course, but nonetheless a person in her own right. And she has family members who want to build relationships with her, without those relationships necessarily being mediated and controlled by you. I think that's what is really freaking you out here - that your SIL and MIL are speaking to one another about your DD, and deriving pleasure from buying things for her and looking forward to her enjoying them. And this isn't being controlled by you.

I have some sympathy with you finding this unsettling, but try and see the positive. Here is a loving extended family, making space for your DD and taking joy in doing nice things for her. How can that be a bad thing? As long as what they are doing is not cruel or harmful in some way [Removed by MNHQ to protect OP's identity] all that's happening is that members of the wider extended family are finding their own ways to relate to your DD.

The fact that this is not being controlled by you, and that you are finding that uncomfortable, is something for you to manage yourself, as it is not reasonable and won't benefit your DD.

Youarentkiddingme · 17/04/2016 18:38

Personally I think you and SIL are on the same page - just reading different words.

Here is a woman who cannot have children of her own. Who has spent 15 years caring for children and now finally has the closest thing she'll get to a blood related child to her. Her brothers baby.

Here is you, you have your pfb and are protective of her - yet can't see that SIL feelings are the same. Or rather refuse to accept that.

Ultimately you have an 8 month old who not only has a mum and dad and grandparents who adore her but also an aunt. Can a child actually have too many people love them? What damage will it do to your DD to have an aunt she can rely on, confide in, go and stay with?

Yes, your SIL is buying things that are inappropriate age wise for your DD. You seem bothered by that on one hand but then say why doesn't she buy them for your house? What is it that is actually bothering you with the gifts?

Have you spoken to SIL about alternative gifts? Alternative appropriate purchases?

Why can't you just speak to her and say it's fantastic she loves your DD so much and wants to get her wonderful things. However the gifts won't be useful for a few years and if she really wants to get DD stuff then you'd be more than happy to suggest ideas if she asks. Or suggest she outs the money into a bank for your DD for when she wants dance classes, gymnastics, swimming lessons (and all the equipment needed!) or a bike etc! Or to buy passes to a zoo when she's old enough. Or tell her you've yet to buy Dds summer wardrobe if she'd like to chose some outfits.

Really though you need to see that you are affecting your DD by keeping this woman, who already loves 200 miles away, at a further distance. You are keeping someone who will love and protect her out of her life.

liberatedwine · 17/04/2016 20:56

You are keeping someone who will love and protect her out of her life

This x 1000,000

You will always be your daughter's mum. Don't deny her a loving auntie. We all need a network of family and friends, and it can only be a good thing.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/04/2016 21:10

Reading between the lines, I think what you are doing to your sil is desperately cruel. She can't have her own children, and you're trying to keep her as far away as possible (it seems) from the closest child relative she has.
My sister hasn't got dc, so I'm happy to have her share mine. I'm still their mum. The more people that love them, the merrier.

stickystick · 17/04/2016 22:30

I don't think her actions are to do with you or your DD - it is far more likely about herself & her feelings about not being a mother.

She may also feel it's safer to buy things for nanny 's house because buying them for your house might be too intrusive.

Here are some options

  1. do that thing on Facebook where you "see less" of someone 's posts, if the posts are what is annoying you most
  2. relocate some of the toys to your house, if you fancy them (when your DD is the right age , not before, because who needs any more clutter)
  3. write to her to thank her profusely for the gifts she has already sent but say that your DD now is very well stocked with toys. Tell her you are setting up a JISA in DD's name to save for her 18th birthday, which you are letting your very closest relatives (including her) know about in case any of them would like to contribute.
LitteRedSparke · 18/04/2016 09:21

" that most things are being bought for my child without me actually doing it myself. Oh and not only that these things are for another persons house. what a fucking freak I am to feel a certain way about that. "

i'm struggling here, and cant see a problem - it just means you dont have to carry stuff from house to house - its not in your house, you dont have to do anything with it - its just stuff

gotthemoononastick · 18/04/2016 11:03

Oh Fu..! ,for a minute I thought someone was posting about me.Luckily I do not facebook and ask for photos.

The' old loon' great aunt here, who sends 'bits and bops' all over the planet to my old friends for their Dgc's. Because I love and miss them and they enjoy seeing things from a different market.

doubleginplease · 18/04/2016 11:06

Sod it she's buying stuff for your DD, id be slightly confused but grateful. My ILs buy my DD nothing or complete tat!

LadyStoicIsBack · 20/04/2016 09:47

Just popped back to see where thread was up to, had OP responded at all etc, but the single biggest thing that hs caught my eye is this:

[Removed by MNHQ to protect OP's identity]

What new weirdness is this? Getting MNHQ to trawl thread and remove any references to previous thread? WTF is that all about? Hmm

Long term MNer and have, quite literally, never ever EVER seen that before - can anyone explain please as I'm genuinely baffled by this?

LitteRedSparke · 20/04/2016 10:04

i'm reporting your message to get a response from MN as like you - baffled!

RudeElf · 20/04/2016 10:34
Shock

Why not just remove all OP's threads if she is worried about another thread identifying her? Instead of this shite? Confused ridiculous. Has he other thread been zapped?

NeedACleverNN · 20/04/2016 10:37

Wtaf?! Confused

Did someone put Sheila from down south near the pub with orange doors? I am literally at a loss on how it was a breech of the ops identity

RudeElf · 20/04/2016 10:45

It referenced OP's other thread so i am assuming with the two combined it would have been identifiable by someone who knew her or her Inlaws. I wasnt on the other thread so cant check if its gone. This thread is full of gaps now with responses to comments that are no longer there. Should have just zapped the thread HQ.

ICanSeeForMiles · 20/04/2016 11:02

Agree it should have been zapped, I'm fucking bewildered here.

Incase I've missed it, who lives 200 miles away? The SIL from the Mil? Or the MIL from the DD?? Confused

MangoMoon · 20/04/2016 11:02

I think they've changed the OPs name, then gone through the thread removing all references to her original name.

Some of the [removed] bits are in the middle of quite supportive posts and look like that's where a name would be.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/04/2016 11:05

What the hell is going on with this place?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/04/2016 11:07

Username is the same. I'm at a total loss as to what has been deleted.

MangoMoon · 20/04/2016 11:08

Just checked, no name change.
Very bizarre.
The swimming thread is still there so no idea what is identifying,

MangoMoon · 20/04/2016 11:08

X post!

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