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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For someone to buy DC toys for another persons house?

154 replies

Ohsotired123 · 16/04/2016 23:25

Ok SIL is currently coming off as a bit of a pisstaker to be honest. She's done my head in tonight.

This is the fourth post in probably 5 weeks or so that she's put on Facebook with pictures of toys she's bought saying 'toys for nannys house' 'more toys for princess's at nannys' etc. Quite good toys. The latest is a wooden dolls house and she's ordered all of the furniture. DD is 8 months and doesn't live with her nanny, she lives at home.

Mil has a good range of toys already At her house, a big plastic storage box full of all sorts of toys and books, other non musical toys etc. She has loads! A really good selection.

It just seems she's trying to compete or something, buying all of these toys not for my DD own house but for her mums house. Why?! A dolls house can't be used for atleast 2 years As she's only a baby at the moment, so why buy it? [Removed by MNHQ to protect OP's identity].

Mil told me SIL is now on the look out for a slide for mil house!

Does it seem to anyone else a bit stand offish and a bit OTT.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohsotired123 · 17/04/2016 00:32

I must be crackers to feel irritated that most things are being bought for my child without me actually doing it myself. Oh and not only that these things are for another persons house. what a fucking freak I am to feel a certain way about that.

Yes I asked for your opinions and I am reading every one of them. But those who are mocking me and implying I am mentally ill over this are fucking out of order to be honest. Its the same old people who Ive also seen being arsey on others posts aswell. I won't be using Mumsnet again.

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 17/04/2016 00:33

What I'm saying RudeElf is :

Imagine if you will that SIL has bought lets say toy guns a lot of US parents, parents in general don't like their kids to have guns. Imagine it's makeup or high heels or earrings, a lot of parents have feelings about that.

Imagine that OP has certain highlights from her childhood she wishes to recreate with her own DC but can't because SIL doesn't consult her and pips her to the post at every turn particularly buy buying things that wouldn't have been bought til a later date.

You may not care for the OP but she's not entirely wrong.

RudeElf · 17/04/2016 00:33

Who said you were mentally ill?

ImNotThatGirl · 17/04/2016 00:34

I don't get the issue. She's buying presents but they're not for your house, so you can still get your DC all the stuff they need anyway. Confused

You come across as really, really wound up about your ILs. Perhaps they are pushy but you're clearly not addressing it or managing it.

EverySongbirdSays · 17/04/2016 00:36

I get you ohso and this is really odd as there have been many many threads lately abut issues with SILs and MILs doing things like this and most of the OPs have been shown at least 50% sympathy if not 100% - so i find this quite strange Flowers

RudeElf · 17/04/2016 00:37

Toy guns/make up/high heels etc just take them away when given. All parents have to do this at some point. Its not a big deal.

Recreating certain memories with her own child? What is stopping her buying the things she wants her daughter to have? The other things are in her nannys where she doesnt live.

Original poster
Ohsotired123 · 17/04/2016 00:39

Rude Elf, it's quite clear. If you tell someone twice they have 'serious issues' you are implying they have issues mentally. Or what else were you referring to Rude Elf? I hope one day you come on here for a bit of guidance and someone tries to put you down and tells you that you have serious issues. It isn't nice and eat Mumsnet should be about,

OP posts:
ImNotThatGirl · 17/04/2016 00:39

Every Reading this thread in the context of the OP's previous ones might shed some light on her current responses.

Original poster
Ohsotired123 · 17/04/2016 00:41

And what*.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 17/04/2016 00:41

If you tell someone twice they have 'serious issues' you are implying they have issues mentally. Or what else were you referring to Rude Elf?

Err, your issues with your SIL and extreme possessiveness of your child! Hmm

RudeElf · 17/04/2016 00:42

And fwiw, i have mental illness. Its not a fucking insult!

Original poster
Ohsotired123 · 17/04/2016 00:45

Ok cba to row on here this is exhausting tbh.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 17/04/2016 00:47

Look you are getting yourself all wound up and wasting a load of energy on someone who just wants to spoil their niece. This really is not something to get worked up about and its only yourself who is suffering because you have a problem with it. Youre choosing to annoy yourself over it and its pointless.

RudeElf · 17/04/2016 00:48

But i do think you need to look into why you are so scared of your SIL having a relationship with your daughter.

Original poster
Ohsotired123 · 17/04/2016 00:48

Ok thank you. Flowers

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 17/04/2016 00:50

I really don't get the problem. Sure your SIL sounds a bit OTT and I can understand that perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed about her interest and love for your DD.

But where is your compassion and understanding? Your SIL is expressing her love for your child (no doubt in an OTT way because of her fertility problems) in her own way.

Give her a break she is hardly behaving in an unkind or cruel way. What is it that concerns you?

MrsBoDuke · 17/04/2016 01:04

I hope one day you come on here for a bit of guidance and someone tries to put you down

Nice.

slithytove · 17/04/2016 01:06

Yeah it seems a bit weird.

LadyStoicIsBack · 17/04/2016 01:06

I think it's pretty simple and, to a fairly large degree, doesn't involve the OP at all.

Her brother has become a Dad, her an Auntie, and their Mum a Nanny. And like most people when their siblings have a child (ESP the PFB, and even more so I guess if she can't have children of her own), she is besotted with the baby and wants as much to do with her as she can. That is not an 'odd' position for her to take/to be in TBH.

I do absolutely agree OP that no-one should ever take 'first things' away from you, but she really isn't doing that. She's just loving, and super indulging, her brother's baby as far as she is concerned. And there really really isn't anything wrong with that. Nor with her posting stuff and tagging her Mum so that she too can get excited about whatever it is.

Your ILaws are clearly a close and loving family; I'm wondering if you don't have that (I didn't and still don't, so I'm not having a pop here rather just remembering how odd some things felt to me as they hadn't been my 'norm' IYKWIM) yourself and in that sense it all feels a bit overwhelming; and it's maybe bringing up issues for you that you weren't even aware of before your lovely DD arrived and the current - and again, pretty normal - dynamics ensued?

I'd honestly try and look at what sits behind these, pretty strong, feelings that SiL stirs in you Flowers

BonesyBones · 17/04/2016 01:09

I understand why it bothers you, I was young when I had DC1 and my gran bought EVERYTHING without asking or even telling me in advance. The result was that I finally ended up buying DC1 his first coat that I had actually chosen when he was 6 years old. That was irritating.

However, I do think you may be overreacting a little bit. I understand that SIL may be buying things you would rather buy yourself, before you have the chance to, but if they're not living at your house, you can also buy those things for your daughter, to have in her own home when the time is right.

I occasionally buy doubles of things to have one at MILs house and one here. Mainly garden things, slides, playhouses and such. She enjoys watching them play with them and it's so much easier than taking all the new toys they want to show her.

I also have a SIL who has no children and has no idea about age appropriate toys so she buys loads of currently useless stuff which we keep at MILs until they grow into it.

Have you considered the possibility that your SIL may be planning her own children in the near future and is seeing this as an opportunity to contribute towards the available toys at granny's house, so that they get plenty of use? I know I've kept a few favourites back for my SIL when the time comes.

Surely this is nothing more than a sign of affection? There are all kinds of horrible families that want nothing to do with each other for the most ridiculous reasons, or that are abusive towards younger ones. I know, because I came from one. Honestly my ILs have more money than sense, but I'm grateful every day that they care.

slithytove · 17/04/2016 01:11

I wonder if those who have normal families see this in a different light?

I have a sister who is very much "he is MY nephew and MY relationship with MY nephew is the most important". Disregarding any role I have as a parent.

If this is the vibe you get off SIL, I can understand why her buying stuff and limiting it to her side of the family only, then bragging about it on Fb would annoy you.

[Removed by MNHQ to protect OP's identity]

RudeElf · 17/04/2016 01:16

[Removed by MNHQ to protect OP's identity]

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 17/04/2016 01:24

Perhaps she is doing it for MIL. My mil was delighted with her dgc and wanted lots of nice things for them but didn't always have the cash to spoil them so SIL bought things that she knew her DM would like to make DM happy. They wouldn't have been my choice but it made SIL and MIL happy and it was v generous and pretty harmless.

It is nice to have e.g. a special dolls house that you only get a nans.

MangosteenSoda · 17/04/2016 01:35

None of this would bother me in the slightest.

I'm guessing that there are other reasons why you don't like your SIL. Or other things in your life that are making you unhappy and you are projecting your anger on to SIL.

HidingUnderARock · 17/04/2016 01:38

My sister bought toys for my DCs to be used and stored at our parents. I imagine DH's sister did the same, or sometimes clothes.

We didn't have the space tbh and thought it was nice.

However, they didn't make a big issue of it, or post it up on FB, which I would probs have felt the same way you do about. It does make it seem competitive and done for the wrong reasons.

If she is that kind of person though, there isn't much you can do about it except roll your eyes and get on with life. Chocolate

[Removed by MNHQ to protect OP's identity]