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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

731 replies

SpaceCadet4000 · 16/04/2016 15:33

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

OP posts:
lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 21:44

Things, did you think MN was set up for third world problems?

Ms already means adult woman. I've been Ms since I was 16. I'm 40. I'm wondering if Alexa and some posters are 90+ but my 93 year old neighbour, yes, she of "pimp my stair lift" fame, also knows and understands Ms.

lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 21:45

Tiger, why do we need Mx when we already have Ms?

Trills · 16/04/2016 21:49

Mr is "man, marital status unstated"
Ms is "woman, marital status unstated"
Mx would be "person, gender and martial status unstated".

Itinerary · 16/04/2016 21:51

Choosing to use "Ms" as a married woman is a statement

Really? I thought it was just a choice. It's not exactly uncommon these days.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 16/04/2016 21:54

I just can't believe the amount of stress over a name! Life is too short people ☺️

lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 21:56

Trills, thanks.

I don't mind people knowing my sex though Mx would be handy to avoid shitty marketing stuff.

In principle I can see a gender neutral title being useful but then we'll get people wanting variations to show marital status...that will put the Ms among us back to square one, though I still remain baffled by the ideas some posters have....in 2016.

lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 21:58

Things, it's not stress, it's joy and pride and it's good to share it.

soapboxqueen · 16/04/2016 21:58

I'm going to start my own TMg, short for The Magnificent Grin

When they call my name they shall say The Magnificent SoapBoxQueen!! Hurrah

Alexa444 · 16/04/2016 21:58

lorelei No never. My mind is boggled. I know some people do but everyone I've ever met who uses Ms only started doing so when they divorced. I thought it was maybe an American thing to use it as neutral. I can only think of about 6 people offhand but all are divorced. I don't think its something I would take offence at though. Just tell them you go by Ms.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/04/2016 21:59

The sooner we get rid of Miss, Ms, Mrs and Mr, the better.

Just call people by their name.

Even the teachers at my DCs' school are called by their first name. Initially it felt as if the sky was going to fall down on top of all of our heads with the informality of it Shock ... but then it didn't.

Ditch the silly titles altogether, I say.

RaspberryOverload · 16/04/2016 21:59

I'm 47 and have used Ms my whole adult life.

My marital status is irrelevant, there are very few occasions when it's actually required.

lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 22:00

Alexa, seriously? Is it possible that you just don't know your mates had Ms on the bank stuff etc from 18? I mean, I see that generally we don't see our friends official paperwork Grin

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2016 22:01

"I just can't believe the amount of stress over a name! Life is too short people ☺️"

I agree. Let's drop Mrs and Miss immediately and adopt Ms. Sorted.

Alexa444 · 16/04/2016 22:02

Haha lorelei I'm mid 20s actually but I suppose its how the women in your family refer to themselves. I honestly thought it was Miss till you married then Mrs and if you divorced you used Ms. I could get on board with TM though Grin

Trills · 16/04/2016 22:03

Choosing to use "Ms" as a married woman is a statement

Really? I thought it was just a choice. It's not exactly uncommon these days.

Everything a woman does is a statement.

Sorry, can only find a PDF, but this is a 23-yr-old essay on how woman are always making a statement and men are the only ones allowed to be "neutral" in their presentation"

Alexa444 · 16/04/2016 22:05

Seriously, I swear. I've seen most of my friends post too at one point or another, they are all Miss except 3 who are married. They are Mrs.

prettybird · 16/04/2016 22:05

....and there is wonderfully illustrated why it would take too long to change people's perception of "Mrs" to mean simply "adult woman/marriage status undefined" Hmm

....if, after 30-40 years useage as a deliberately neutral term, Ms is still seen by some - incorrectly - as meaning "divorced" AngrySad

lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 22:07

I just googled Ms. I think some of you are gas lighting me!!

Is it part of this "women going backwards" thing, I wonder about the age group of those who don't get it or know the right information? Did Mrs get sold commercially alongside Maui style weddings?

lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 22:09

Agree with Bertrand, amazed that Miss and Mrs weren't dumped years ago. If anyone wants their status known they could sttach it to their surname or put it in brackets like Esq. or start with it like Rt Hon!

Itinerary · 16/04/2016 22:10

Everything a woman does is a statement.

I think most people just get on with life. Just doing something at all doesn't make it a "statement". Is eating your breakfast a statement?

soapboxqueen · 16/04/2016 22:10

The reason Ms still creates different opinions is because it is a choice. Having the choice, in my mind, solidifies the meaning of Mrs.

If every female tomorrow decided to use Mrs and nothing else, it would stop having any other meaning other than female person. I appreciate the same could be said for Miss and Ms except Miss is diminutive and some people won't give up Mrs.

lorelei9here · 16/04/2016 22:11

Alexa, in terms of women going backwards, mid 20s make sense.

When I was mid 20s I think there was less of a "woman = womb" perception as well. It's got much worse. But that's a whole other thread.

jclm · 16/04/2016 22:18

The best thing about getting my PhD, when I was 27, was that I could dump the Ms title and use Dr. I also haven't changed my surname on marriage.

A few issues that have arisen from these anomalies:

  • the bank manager being suspicious about my surname and marital status
  • the social worker (my son is disabled) assuming me and hubby were separated (I don't wear a ring)
  • many agencies assuming that I am an unmarried mum, so addressing correspondence to Miss Surname
  • countless times I've been given Ms/Mrs/Mr titles so it doesn't really bother me now
Alexa444 · 16/04/2016 22:20

I just had to ask my mum what she thought it meant as I'm finding this fascinating lol She said it was for women who were neither miss or mrs, so divorced or as a neutral term if you were writing a letter to someone and didn't know whether they were married or not. Weird how perceptions and meanings change, isn't it? My aunt and dad said the same. One cousin thought ms was short for mrs Confused and another thought that was when your husband died. See now you've started a facebook debate, see what you've done! The last time we started something on facebook it ended in 9 grown women sitting on the floor, facetiming and trying to get up from cross legged without using hands or knees!

greencarbluecar · 16/04/2016 22:20

I understand the feeling of your identity being undermined. I'm Dr, although if that wasn't an option would choose Ms and will happily go without any title at all. Lately, purely coincidentally, I've been addressed as Miss quite a few times, all by people who have been told the correct title and in most cases through official documentation. It's starting to really annoy me - Miss Greencar Bluecar is not me! If it's seen as perfectly acceptable for people to correct to Mrs when that's their chosen title, and it's recognised that it's a bit rude to use the wrong one in that case, why doesn't it work the other way round?

The OP isn't being precious or pretentious, she's asking that people address her how she wants to be addressed, and if she hasn't yet specified, that they ask her rather than assume. Just like I'd quite like people to stop using a childlike title that I haven't chosen. It's common courtesy, but it seems that's only deserved by men and married women who want to be called Mrs.