To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

[SpaceCadet4000]

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

[HailGallaxhar]

I had a hospital appointment recently. The woman taking my details asked me for my surname and when I gave it she asked, "is that your maiden name or married name?". Like there couldn't possibly be another option.

When I gave my age (45) she then asked, "so are you still having periods?".

I wasn't that keen on her, to be honest.

[Trills]

"Are you still having periods?" could possibly be relevant in a hospital context.

"Are you married?" could not.

[Zaurak]

I was once almost denied boarding on an airplane because their booking system insisted I was male.

I'd booked in as 'Dr.' And apparently that defaulted to male

That was annoying.

[Trills]

The last flights I booked did not ask for gender, just name and date of birth (and passport number later on).

John Lewis on the other hand required my gender in order to buy a present from a wedding list.

[HailGallaxhar]

I suppose I'd already rather taken against her from her presumption that I simply must be married, so perhaps the phrasing of the period question was fine, but surely most women are still having periods at 45, aren't they? That would be pretty early for a menopause, wouldn't it?

When I told our mortgage advisor my title is Ms, he gaped up from his form filling in astonishment and asked, "are you divorced?". I had a rather limp attempt at explaining that I preferred a title that didn't define me by my marital status but he had a 'does not compute' look on his face so I sort of ran out of steam and looked at my shoes.

[HarlotBronte]

Yes well we can't have people buying posh plates if we don't know what gender they are trills. Essential!

[expotition]

YAB no more or less U than someone whose preferred title is Mrs finding themselves addressed as Ms, or someone whose preferred title is Mr being addressed as Miss. These things matter to lots of people, & if HR think they matter too little to bother asking the question they should just write to everyone as Firstname Lastname. Tell them to change it.

[lorelei9here]

To those that don't understand

Mr doesn't tell you anything about the man's marital status

I want the same for my title

I don't understand which bit you don't understand

In fact I've never cime across women who don't understand till I joined MN.

[ljny]

Ffs, this thread makes me despair.

I had this problem when I got married, NEARLY HALF A CENTURY AGO.

tbf, 'Ms' was fairly new then, and some people genuinely hadn't heard of it, or thought it meant you were a 'bra-burning' radical feminist or a 'man-hater'.... People were ignorant back then.

Shortly after we married, I was turned down when I applied to join my employer's new occupational pension scheme, because it wasn't open to married women. Everyone else in the company was allowed to join.

I thought we'd moved on. This thread is really depressing.

The norm is "Ms" or "Mr".
^This

If you want to change your title to Mrs, go right ahead, it's your choice, but no one has the right to impose a pigeonhole on another person.

And it's not 'friendly' or 'personalising' or any of the other excuses above - believe me, if any of that crap were true, if there were any advantage to it, men would have got themselves an equivalent title.

YANBU, Op. You're not a precious snowflake. Don't let anyone try to tell you different.

[Trills]

In fact I've never cime across women who don't understand till I joined MN.

I always celebrate MN for letting me "meet" and interact with and hear the views of women who I would never meet in real life.

Of course this works in both directions - I hear wonderful insightful new perspectives on the world, but I also hear things that make me despair.

[Optimist1]

Late to the party, as ever, my view is that your conservative employers (or at least their HR department) should be dragged into the 21st century by you explaining the rationale behind "Ms", OP. They obviously haven't given it any thought and you are clearly able to express your views. I wouldn't mind betting they have forms that refer to people's "Christian" names, as well - they might need picking up on this, too!!

[Alexa444]

To be fair if I knew you were married, I would have put mrs. Ms is usually for women who are divorced.

[lorelei9here]

Alexa, on what planet? You have honestly never met a married or never married Ms? You say "usually" which suggests to me that you do know the correct usage of Ms? I am so confused.

[BertrandRussell]

"To be fair if I knew you were married, I would have put mrs. Ms is usually for women who are divorced."
NO IT ISN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Thingsthatmakeugoummmm]

Seriously?!?! First world problems every one!!!

[Floggingmolly]

Indeed. So many people "despairing" on the one thread

[Skiptonlass]

I don't think ms is for divorced ... It's supposed to be the equivalent of mr. Isn't it? As in, not dictated by marital status?

It's not that long ago that women were expected to stop work when they got married. My mum remembers raising eyebrows when she carried on working...

I use Dr. Skip ... And it's been assumed I'm male several times. 😤

Misogyny hangs on in these little things, in my opinion. Assuming 'dr.' Is male, making women defined by marriage but not men, etc. We've a long way to go still

[Trills]

I'm not despairing on this thread, just saying that I do sometimes :)

[soapboxqueen]

Ms will never be the equivalent of Mr until there is only one choice. While there are three choices for women and essentially a default for men, your choice still says something about you that men never have to say.

Individuals can decide what they think Miss/Ms /Mrs mean and therefore choose which one they want to use. However that won't stop other people having their own opinions about what those choices mean about the person that made them. Again, something men don't have to deal with.

While those opinions exist none of the choices are neutral.

[MrsBoDuke]

That's what I was trying to say Soap (although badly & clumsily).

Just Miss & Mrs is fine, just like Master & Mr.

If all adult women are Mrs, then there's no connotations and no judgements.

[BertrandRussell]

Nobody ever tells men to be quiet, to not make a fuss,not "get over it". Largely, I suspect, because they don't have to!

[prettybird]

Another one who is going to shout "Ms ISN'T JUST FOR THE DIVORCED"

I've used it since my early 20s - over 30 years ago. Never divorced and only got married in my late 30s. Still use Ms. Didn't change my name when I got married.

Know plenty of other women who use/have used Ms in the same way.

I'm not bothered by people who call me "Mrs Prettybird" - and in some ways I would like us to follow the French usage, who use Mme for all adult women (although like some previous posters, I prefer no title at all) but I do get pissed off at those that assume that Ms defines a form of failed marital status. The whole point of it is that it is totally neutral.

[BertrandRussell]

"If all adult women are Mrs, then there's no connotations and no judgements"

And how many generations will it be before Mrs changes it's meaning from "married" to "adult"? Why not just use the title that's already on the way to meaning that- rather than start again from scratch?

[Mistigri]

Choosing to use "Ms" as a married woman is a statement (though it shouldn't be), but it is simply courteous for an employer to use a neutral title for all women whose personal preference in the matter they do not know for certain.

My marital status is none of my employer's business. I'm not even sure they have my married name on record (since I don't use it professionally).

[tigerdriverII]

How about Mx?

Totally gender neutral.

For the life of me I can't understand why we don't just use names, ie the things that we call each other, rather than ridiculous archaic abbreviations. My gender and marital status has nothing to do with anyone else.

I say this as a married woman, who kept ex-H's surname after divorce and remarriage, having taken his name inadvisedly on marriage, but retained it thereafter for professional reasons.