To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

[SpaceCadet4000]

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

Usually I read the whole fucking thread before posting but I couldn't. Read enough.

OP - I understand the frustration with the name title thing. I choose to be referred to as Miss and have been known as such for over 5 decades. Over this time, I have been referred to as Miss, Mrs, Ms and even Mr (that was 30 years ago ref: electricity bill). My son has my surrname and after 5 years his school still can't get their head round that and I'm Mrs. Despite occasional reminders from me that I ain't no one's Mrs. I even say "Miss, and proud of it". Rarely does that 'filter through', to many organizations, not just a school.

Like you, I feel it's just a minor irritation in life, just indicative of the other 'brainless' procedures we all deal with on a daily basis, but really people -IS IT THAT FUCKING DIFFICULT? Miss, it's FUCKING MISS, it's not difficult, it's not new, it's been around for years...what's the FUCKING problem?

I feel better now I've shouted. Decades of minor irritation builds up.

HR really won't care less if you phone/email to change your title.

Nobody cares.

I wish MN had a 'like' button for comments/responses.

float unfortunate wording by me right before your post there! In my case, it's childlike when people assume it's Miss because I look and sound quite young. So it's a patronising assumption that the title they've been given must be wrong - not to say it's not a valid choice for anyone who wants to use it. I'd be equally bloody annoyed with being called Mrs too and probably will be within a few years. So frustrating. Glad the rant made you feel better .

I think you are overreacting to get angry. You mentioned your husband, so whoever imputed your details just assumed your were a Mrs. It won't be the last time this happens. Are you going to get angry everytime someone calls you Mrs SpaceCadet?

I'll be honest, I don't really,understand how your identity has been undermined. The person submitting the pay was not probably consciously thinking about anyone's identity, but just submitting the pay.

A simple call to HR will'solve the problem.

I just ask for it to be changed as I'm not married. I re ently changed my name to my previous name, but people assume I'm married as I changed my name - I find it weird to be called Mrs as it was my mum that was Mrs.

The bank has real problems with me as I have a joint account with my dad. But historically the account was mine and my initial comes before his therefore my name should come before his. They are in for a while and then inexplicably swap our names around.

It is very frustrating...

I used to input application forms into a CRM database. Sometimes people would forget to complete the title box and for women I'd just select "Miss" until they returned to us. Now thanks to MN I realise that I was undermining their entire identity.

A simple call to HR will'solve the problem.

Of course....why didn't I think of that.

Time for bed float

I work in HR and it's just normal to me to check these things. It might mean I've got to send the email to get the confirmation, keep the paperwork aside on my desk hanging about until the person gets back to me, but id rather check than make the assumption.

You are clearly angry because you feel so strongly about this topic of not believing in changing your surname. That's fair enough, but I don't believe it's something you need to be so angry about as to post on here about it. It's a really innocent mistake. It's so normal to assume that married people will follow tradition and take their husbands surname and become a Mrs. That's just the usual way of it but it's not to say it's right.

I actually hate how a child 'has' to take the partners surname if not married, i regret it to be honest and wish my DD had mine!!!

You know, if I could go back 40
years and tell my 17 year old that this would still be an issue, that 17 year old would probably shoot herself!

I'm another one who naively thought that "Dr" would smoothly bypass these irritations, as my marital status hardly defines me. It is ludicrous how many systems, and people, still seem to assume that Dr = male.

One of the classic examples (not me) was the locked out of the gym changing rooms story: www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/doctor-locked-out-womens-changing-5358594

"Choosing to use "Ms" as a married woman is a statement "

Why? is it a statement to use it as a non-married woman? if not why not, and why the difference?

YADNBU!

The language we use is very important. Ms = Mr = Ms, IMO.

On another tack, there are very few derogatory terms for men, but there are many for women. I refuse to use any term for a woman that doesn't have a male equivalent.

We've had the same telephone number for over 40 years. After about 10 years, I decided to change the designation in the telephone book from the format of "J. Smith", with no mention of my wife; to "T. & P. Smith", with my wife's initial coming first. I've seen no reason to change that since.

Fascinating how agitated people get when it is suggested that women's marital status should not be immediately determinable.

Could it be because all us Mss are flying under false flags and going round looking for married men to deceive?

Just doing something at all doesn't make it a "statement". Is eating your breakfast a statement?

You really, really missed Trills's point, Itinerary.

You have Special K - you're on a diet (but somebody will tell you you're doing it wrong.)
You have a full English or buttered croissants - you're not worried about your weight (and someone will either tell you how lucky your are, or suggest you should be on a diet.)
You have porridge - you're Very Wise unless you have cream & sugar on it (see above) and someone may ask you what eating plan you follow.

If you're a man, you just have breakfast. Nobody assumes your food choices are part of a lifestyle statement that's open for public discussion.

Same kind of thing with Mr. Nobody assumes anything about Mr.
Whereas we have 188 posts right here, making assumptions about women's titles.

I refuse to use any term for a woman that doesn't have a male equivalent.

I do the opposite It is quite extraordinary how upset straight men can be when you say they're being bitchy.

Garlic

Garlic, I use the term bitchy about and to men as well. They do look surprised but they get the point

"Whereas we have 188 posts right here, making assumptions about women's titles."
Or perhaps "we have 188 posts right here discussing the assumptions that are made about women's titles"

Mrs will only imply marital status for as long as women perpetuate it implying marital status.

By adding Ms to the Miss/Mrs choice, women are continuing to reinforce the marital distinction themselves.

Who actually cares if someone is married or not?

Yes, Blu! I'm corrected, and the point still stands :)

Seriously?!?! First world problems every one!!!

And I live in the first world, so all our problems are first world ones. The fact you're posting on here and not walking. 20 miles with water or fleeing a conflict zone suggests that you are too.

It is also possible to be interested in and concerned by any number of things at once, some important, some trivial and most somewhere in between.

Mrs will only imply marital status for as long as women perpetuate it implying marital status.

It carries a lot of ideological baggage that it would be extremely difficult to reclaim Mrs as a status neutral term for an adult woman. Not least because it is a contraction of Mistress so by refering to someone Mrs Smith (Mistress of a man named Smith) so it implies there's a Mister Smith for her to be the Mistress of.

I really wish we'd get rid of honourifics altogether. I would much rather be referred to by my name.

If your company uses titles on documents it produces, but doesn't ask for your title before producing them then your company is setting its HR/Payroll and other employees up for this kind of problem.

Why on earth would they not ask for your title unless they would never be using one for you?

YANBU at all. How very stupid.

Was your title on your application form? Or do they quite literally not ask anywhere?

Reminded of another incident years back where I was called 'miss' in a very patronising way. In a kind of 'oh do shut up little girl' way.

'It's not Miss' I said
'Oh, you're not one of those Ms types are you?' Said the guy. His colleagues laughed.
'No' I said, eyeballing him. 'It's Dr actually.'

Agree with pps that there needs to be equivalency - one title for adult males and one for females. Either that or we all become Profs

I think titles are a bit ridiculous full stop. Ms still denotes you are a woman; surely in the name of true equality we need one gender neutral title??

Or we could all get over ourselves and accept people addressing us by our first names... Rather than Title Surname.

My employer just uses first name last name most of the time but have me down as Miss even though I'm married as that's what I was when I started there. Now I tick either Mrs or Ms on forms depending on my mood.

I did change my surname, it was a compromise. I really wanted DH and I to have the same name as each other and our children, we couldn't agree on a hybrid and he didn't want to take my name - although didn't at all expect me to take his. I regret it slightly and now use both surnames together but CBA to change it formally.