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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think this is effing rude?

135 replies

littlefrenchonion · 15/04/2016 18:28

So a good friend of 20 odd years of ours is attending a course very near us (15 mins away) this weekend and text DP to ask of we'd like to come and meet him for a meal tonight. We said we'd love to see him, but perhaps he could come to ours and I would cook us all a meal so that DD (1 yo) could get to bed on time. Offered a place to stay and a pick up/lift back if he wanted it too.

Didn't hear back all day so went and got things to make a curry and gave house a good tidy in case he came.

He's text DP to say thanks but no thanks as 'timings don't work out' for him. All fine so far.

Logged onto FB, and I see he's posted a shout out to anyone else in the area wanting to join him for a drink or a meal tonight, but 'no boring folk, I've got enough of those already'.

I'd heard people can be like this when you have a baby, but this is the first time I've experienced it. I don't think my cooking is horrendous either!

Feel a bit gutted and quite hurt really! Sad

AIBU?

OP posts:
MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 15/04/2016 20:29

Peace and love

PunkrockerGirl · 15/04/2016 20:32

Reading between the lines, I think he expected DP to go out and OP to stay in.
this
'Timings didn't work for him', my arse - he didn't get the response he was hoping for, more like. And because of this he's now making a tit of himself appear desperate on fb.

The fact that he's having to drum up interest on fb for people to join him speaks volumes, tbh.
Enjoy your curry OP.

Birdsgottafly · 15/04/2016 20:33

I also don't think the 'boring' comment was aimed at the OP.

He's done nothing wrong. How many times do we see people who've had children complain that they never get invited out?

He's invited them to join him, they were his first choice, they've declined, he doesn't want to sit in, so he's put a shout out on FB.

wickedlazy · 15/04/2016 20:36

If one my mates for 20+ years wrote that on facebook and I knew it was aimed at me, asking whose free for a meal knowing I'd offered to cook for them, and infered that was "boring" I'd be offended, and would probably wait for them to contact me again at least. I rake my mates and we banter with each other, but what he wrote wasn't banter, it was egotistical. Did he even try to coax you out? Which is surely what a mate does, before accepting you just can't, maybe next time, no hard feelings. No thoughtless bakebook posts.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/04/2016 20:36

Again, where Furiosa? I see a bit of banter between you and Tigger, both getting your points across but no acrimony that I can see, I'm missing it if it's there.

This really isn't a thread that needs to go up in flames, it's a non-issue really - OP's friend extends invitation, OP declines and makes counter-offer, OP's friend declines and makes his own arrangements for company. The name-calling though, completely unwarranted. I couldn't stand by and see posters calling my friend names unjustly..

I wouldn't enjoy a dinner-at-home thing either; different people like different things and that's fine.

Furiosa · 15/04/2016 20:42

Me > I think it's very rude to decline someones hospitality

Tigger > Really? You go anywhere and do anything, just because someone offers you? You must be the ultimate people pleaser. It's not a good trait, you think you're super polite but really its a damaging attitude to have.

Banter or a bit shitty?

Actually OP agrees with Tigger but it keeps going.

This whole thread is getting a bit odd now any way and I don't think the OP is that bothered. We shouldn't be either.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/04/2016 20:46

I baulked at your comment that it's rude to decline someone's hospitality as well, Furiosa, and if you're right - then it was rude of OP to decline her friend's hospitality.

OP was very bothered, so exercised about it that she thinks her friend is 'effing rude'. Some agree with her - some don't.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 15/04/2016 20:48

Woah I can see why you're feeling put out about his comment OP! Very rude.

PunkrockerGirl · 15/04/2016 20:51

Didn't hear back all day so went and got things to make a curry and gave house a good tidy in case he came

This is what would piss me off most, that it took him all day to respond either way. I mean he really, really couldn't take a few seconds out of his precious schedule to accept or decline OP and her dh's invitation Confused

I wouldn't be giving him a second thought OP. He sounds like a bad mannered petulant twat to me.

Furiosa · 15/04/2016 20:58

Right that's it!

Lying and Tigger you are both now formally uninvited from any of my future exclusive outdoors- indoors candle lit suppers.

As I'm certain this information will find you feeling "burned" please check the Flowers for aloe.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/04/2016 20:58

I could see me doing that actually. If I would invite somebody somewhere -and they would decline, that would be it as far I was concerned The counter-offer perhaps just make it awkward perhaps? I don't know how friend feels but I would just think, "Oh shit, I don't want to do that" and then I'd probably sit on it for a bit so as to not make a knee-jerk reaction.

OP and her partner were presumably going to eat sometime tonight anyway so as far as friend was concerned, his yay or nay was going to make little difference; they weren't coming out to meet with him. Friend did text his friend (OP's partner) to say 'thanks but no thanks'.

OP was fine with all of that..

What OP is annoyed with is the facebook entry that may have nothing whatsoever to do with OP/her partner at all, it's just assumption. If it is a friend of 20 years standing... surely you'd not think it would be about you AT ALL?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/04/2016 21:00

Thanks Furiosa Grin

It will be your own fault entirely that I will from this point see you in a nice dress with firmly set hair and a telephone that rings with orders for Chinese takeaway...

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 15/04/2016 21:11

What OP is annoyed with is the facebook entry that may have nothing whatsoever to do with OP/her partner at all, it's just assumption. If it is a friend of 20 years standing... surely you'd not think it would be about you AT ALL?

Exactly. In the OP, the poster makes it clear that the whole dinner arrangement being on/off was fine.

She was annoyed at the FB thing, which I don't think is anything to do with the OP and probably about bloody work!

OP, why on earth do you think a good friend of 20 years would do this?

If I saw the same thing, I'd like to believe I'd think better of a good friend.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 15/04/2016 21:18

I'm with MrsHathaway, I think it sounds like he wanted to meet the dp and not the op at all and maybe the boring bit is a dig at the dp because in his mind he is thinking he asked an old friend out for beers and a lads catch up and thinks the offer of dinner in his house so the baby could sleep is boring versus a lads night.

Was it a you plural invite op or did you misunderstand?

Teddy1970 · 15/04/2016 21:24

I think he could have worded it better and told you earlier, but he sounds like most people who don't have young children, they don't realise the logistics involved regarding bath/ bedtimes etc, (I know I didn't) otherwise he wouldn't have suggested going out, but like others have said he may have been angling for your H to go out on the lash with him...your curry sounds lush btw!

alltalknobaby · 15/04/2016 21:31

This thread is HILARIOUS. Bet you weren't expecting this reaction OP!! Shock Grin

Original poster
littlefrenchonion · 15/04/2016 21:34

Ok, curry eaten! Maybe I just needed some food.

Thank you too all who have posted. It's getting a bit crazy, and my initial grump (see: 'effing' - I tried to keep it polite, honest!) at my friend's possible FB faux pas has worn off.

Maybe you are right that I shouldn't have posted about my friend on AIBU but an anonymous rant has helped a bit. Much of AIBU is based on this principle, I'm not going to worry about it too much.

Agree with Olivia, peace & love should resume.

Apologies to Tigger for my rudeness.

OP posts:
Jojoriley · 15/04/2016 21:37

I think this may just be a misunderstanding with regards to FB, but I think the OP has herself been rude. Although it might seem to her that dinner at home is just as good if not better than a meal out, what she has actually done is hijack the friend's invitation. He invites them to meet him for a meal- this might reasonably even include him paying? OP says "well that's not exactly what I want so here's my counter." If I'm the friend this would annoy me because instead of a simple declining he is now in position of himself having to get out of an evening he neither wanted nor asked for. So he sits on it a bit. Meanwhile OP rather presumptiously thinks her offer will be accepted and acts accordingly.

Maybe he had seen a place he wanted to eat?

The lesson here is that counter offers to invitations are rude. She should have done the following:

A) get a baby sitter and go with original invite
B) say no we can't cos of baby . Adding 'we'd love to eat with you if you want to but it would have to be here" thus acknowledging that the original invite and the counter plan are not the same thing.
C) suggest her partner goes and she stays at home with baby or via versa depending on whose friend he is really.

Haggismcbaggis · 15/04/2016 21:39

Tigger's comment re a "bitchfest" about your friend was out of order IMHO.

Basically any AIBU about a friend is potentially an invitation for a bitchfest. So what.

My tuppence worth - your friend WAS rude to post on Facebook looking for ANYONE to go out with, when he's had a lovely offer of company with some old friends. Fine if he fancied going out, but my main objection is that he sounds a bit thick not to have copped on to the fact you'd see his "anyone around" message on Facebook. (I also as a general rule cringe a bit when I see those on Facebook. They strike me as a little .... desperate ....

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2016 21:46

Ah, he texted your DP. So really, what he wanted was to get DP out for a night, but instead you generously offered the inhouse curry option, and then there was no polite way for him to say "But can't at least one of you leave the baby and come and get pissed with me?" cos that would have been incredibly rude. Hence the "timings" malarkey. But he was still a tit for posting anything like that on FB in the first place. Hope you have Instagrammed your curry and tagged him!

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 15/04/2016 22:04

Yeah, he might have wanted you DP to come alone, or you to get a babysitter.

It's not such an insult to be called 'boring' in terms of nights out on the razz, when you have a 1yr old. Parents should be a little boring, and a lot of the practicalities of parenting are very boring!

There is an excellent quote that I say to myself often, as my dc are growing older, and I'm entering middle age "setting a good example for your children can seriously take the fun out of middle age." Meh, you live with it. Grin

Lanark2 · 15/04/2016 22:11

That's weird. There is nothing better than crazy baby friends in their own house!!! They are so longing for brilliant random conversation and cusping between childishness and adult angst, they are the best nights ever.. If you go out after them when they crash on the sofa feeling guilty about baby, you totally feel high like you have been on drugs(and probably with a duple induced heel bruise and a Polly pocket thing stuck to your jeans) ..he doesn't know what the f he is doing!

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 15/04/2016 22:13

Lanark Grin I fear that has been me/DH on occasion.

Salfordlass · 15/04/2016 22:16

He's posted a shout out to anyone else in the area wanting to join him for a drink or meal tonight

I wonder if he's right now sat in the curry house with his pint and chicken biryani. Waiting for people to show up... And waiting...

Wdigin2this · 15/04/2016 22:39

What a rude, offensive git...hope you have no further contact with him, nobody needs this in their lives!

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