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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is effing rude?

135 replies

littlefrenchonion · 15/04/2016 18:28

So a good friend of 20 odd years of ours is attending a course very near us (15 mins away) this weekend and text DP to ask of we'd like to come and meet him for a meal tonight. We said we'd love to see him, but perhaps he could come to ours and I would cook us all a meal so that DD (1 yo) could get to bed on time. Offered a place to stay and a pick up/lift back if he wanted it too.

Didn't hear back all day so went and got things to make a curry and gave house a good tidy in case he came.

He's text DP to say thanks but no thanks as 'timings don't work out' for him. All fine so far.

Logged onto FB, and I see he's posted a shout out to anyone else in the area wanting to join him for a drink or a meal tonight, but 'no boring folk, I've got enough of those already'.

I'd heard people can be like this when you have a baby, but this is the first time I've experienced it. I don't think my cooking is horrendous either!

Feel a bit gutted and quite hurt really! Sad

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
littlefrenchonion · 15/04/2016 19:02

Tigger - it probably is about his course mates (at least I hope it was). It's more that we've been shafted for a better offer really.

And really thoughtless to put something like that, given the circumstance, in case it was misinterpreted?

OP posts:
Thinnestofthinice · 15/04/2016 19:03

I don't think he will mean you are the 'boring people' at all. Going to your house/ travel there and back is different timing wise to a quick meal out. Give him the benefit of the doubt I think. If you don't have kids it's hard to imagine the struggle of beautifying your house all day/cooking I think. Your meal sounds lovely, put your feet up and enjoy a night just the two of you.

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 15/04/2016 19:04

Tigger - it probably is about his course mates (at least I hope it was). It's more that we've been shafted for a better offer really

Ah come on, thats not fair. He asked did you want to go out for dinner/drinks, you said no we want to stay in. He didn't want to stay in, as he said in the first place he wanted to go out. Whats wrong with that? He hasn't shafted you at all, he just didn't take you up on your counter offer.
Why are you inviting the whole of aibu to call him an asshole because he didn't want to come to your house when he'd already stated a wish to go out? Thats so not fair.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 15/04/2016 19:04

Yeah he was mean - but agree he wants to be Out-Out. As you probably would if you didn't have your baby.

A very very good friend of mine, when DS2 was 3mths old, basically called us the 'boring ones' because we didn't go on to another (later) party with her one night. She was very drunk at the time - I know she luffs us, and I still luffs her - she didn't mean to be mean Grin We laughed it off.

toomuchtooold · 15/04/2016 19:06

I mean even if you'd agreed to take DD out with you, what did he think? You were going to pop her in a sling and come out clubbing?

We've been quite lucky with friends mostly due to being extremely old when we had kids - the "come for dinner, get really pissed with us and tell us tales of the outside world" strategy is a favourite at ours. Friends who don't adjust to you having kids rapidly stop being friends, as the needs of babies and toddlers are so urgent and big. I could not be arsed with comments about being boring just for wanting a 1 year old in their bed. Yeah, I'd rather eat my dinner and drink my wine in the company of adults rather than juggling an overtired baby. He doesn't mean boring does he, he means unobliging. You're supposed to just magically make the baby issues go away even if it means a shit night for you and DD. Hope he's not planning on having kids himself soon.

LeaLeander · 15/04/2016 19:07

I don't think his post was necessarily referring to you. It was probably more a dig at his course/classmates and may for all you know have been the continuation of an ongoing joke with them. I wouldn't assume it was all about you.

It's not like he stood you up; he didn't reply as quickly as you would have liked but perhaps he was in class? It doesn't sound as though he were rude; the little social lie about "timing doesn't work out" was fine.

And I cannot blame him for wanting a night out; I always groan inwardly and figure out a way to decline when in a city and acquaintances suggest a meal at their place instead of a restaurant or bar evening. Throw in a toddler and that is just not the evening I would be having in mind. If my friends' child was 1 I would assume they could get a babysitter if they wanted (it is the norm in my family/social circle to use sitters from a young age) or decline if they didn't want to. Changing the nature of the invitation around to suit yourselves and then being offended when HE doesn't want to do YOUR thing is quite petty.

toomuchtooold · 15/04/2016 19:08

I'm still not getting why OP, and everyone else, assumes the comment was about her? Seriously, there are other people in the world, its not all about you!

Yeah but how many people is he likely to have asked out to dinner?

Scooterloo · 15/04/2016 19:08

What Tigger said

It might not be about you at all. In fact if he is a good friend I think its not very nice of you to assume it is about you. Isn't it more likely he's talking about the course he is attending and how boring that is/the people are?

He's on a course and bored, its not about you at all. Ignore and enjoy the curry.

Waltermittythesequel · 15/04/2016 19:11

But he didn't shaft you!

He invited you out. You declined. Offered an alternative that he never asked for, and he declined.

How is he wrong if you're not??

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 15/04/2016 19:11

Yeah but how many people is he likely to have asked out to dinner?

Where in his comment does it mention anything about the boring people having invited him to dinner? Thats just assumption on your part.

Basically this is a whole thread of women bitching about a man who politely turned down dinner at a friends house. It's ridiculous.

HackerFucker22 · 15/04/2016 19:12

Far enough that he doesn't want to come over - I'd have taken a night out over a meal at a friends with a young child back in the day. His actions were thoughtless and rude though. Posting it on FB and knowing you would likely see it is just bad manners.

HackerFucker22 · 15/04/2016 19:12
  • fair enough
Poikjhvcx · 15/04/2016 19:13

If he was talking about his course mates then he hasn't been rude. I would post a funny 'oi, I hope that's not us you are talking about you cheeky fecker' type message on his Facebook. I would do it because it's funny rather passive aggressively or to be snippy.

You can freeze the left over curry.

MrsEricBana · 15/04/2016 19:16

Fair enough he wanted to go out on the town but the "boring" comment is very rude indeed given that you'd been very kind and generous and put yourself out for him. Invite someone appreciative round instead.

stinkysnowbear · 15/04/2016 19:16

Time for a passive aggressive 'like'.

Although it is a Friday night and I can understand his desire to go out. It's the lying about "timings" and lack of response that is pretty rude.

Furiosa · 15/04/2016 19:22

I think it's very rude to decline someones hospitality.

If the friend really couldn't stand the thought of going to OP's house for a meal and catching up he could have told her he really needed a night on the town and was planing on getting drunk.

Considering they have been friends for 20 years I think 'timings don't work out' is a bad excuse. He obviously wants to go out more than see his friend. Absolutely fine but he should have been honest about it. Everyone needs a night out every now and then, I'm sure OP would have understood.

Furiosa · 15/04/2016 19:25

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee

I don't think "timings don't work out" is a polite way to turn down a friend of 20 years.

He could have said "thanks for the offer but I was really hoping to go out tonight"

JoMackl · 15/04/2016 19:26

I have also turned people down when they have offered this. I don't really enjoy eating in other people's houses. I very much enjoy restaurants, and I like to choose what I fancy from a menu. Eating out is a treat for me, while going to somebody's house can actually feel like a chore. Also, pre-DD, I'm afraid I was not a very child-friendly person and would not have found eating around a child in someone's home particularly appetising. Lots of childless/ childfree people feel like this. (Most of my friends still do, which is why I am pretty socially isolated post-giving birth. But I am not offended by them, as I know where they are coming from.)

However, if he did indeed call you "boring" (assuming the message was about you -- which you can't actually know), then that was incredibly rude and not the action of a friend. He should have known it would be hurtful. So you would not be U to feel angry and upset about that, if his comment were definitely aimed at you. How you establish whether or not it was about you, though, is difficult.

Original poster
littlefrenchonion · 15/04/2016 19:26

Calm down, back in your nests you lot!

I'm not calling him an arsehole. I get he might want to go 'out out'. My AIBU was if he was rude - surely posting publicly on FB for better options is a bit off? I don't even have a problem with a white lie re. timings - that's what white lies are for! But cover your tracks a bit better, surely?

OP posts:
TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 15/04/2016 19:27

I think it's very rude to decline someones hospitality

Really? You go anywhere and do anything, just because someone offers you? You must be the ultimate people pleaser. It's not a good trait, you think you're super polite but really its a damaging attitude to have.

Charley50 · 15/04/2016 19:28

He wasn't rude at all to decline your 'counter offer', he might not have been talking about you, even if he was it's not a serious comment. Look on the bright side; you have a lovely clean house for the weekend, loads of curry for breakfast mmm, and won't have the inevitable hangover that results when friends come round.

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 15/04/2016 19:29

I'm not calling him an arsehole. I get he might want to go 'out out'

But everyone else is. So far he's a twat, an effing twat, a cheeky bastard, an ex friend...do you feel better now that your friend has been called names online?

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 15/04/2016 19:29

I'm not calling him an arsehole. I get he might want to go 'out out'

But everyone else is. So far he's a twat, an effing twat, a cheeky bastard, an ex friend...do you feel better now that your friend has been called names online?

Waltermittythesequel · 15/04/2016 19:29

But he invited them out first. Technically, they declined and then he declined in turn.

No big deal. He certainly doesn't seem to have thrown a strop about them saying no to his invitation!

The timings excuse could have been him trying to be polite or thinking he'd have to wait for a lift so when they decided he could come. Then he'd have to stay over or get a taxi back, or get a lift back which means they decide when he could leave!

Actually really quite different to a catch up in town with a bite to eat and a few drinks.

I don't think he's been rude at all!

Furiosa · 15/04/2016 19:30

Really? You go anywhere and do anything, just because someone offers you? You must be the ultimate people pleaser. It's not a good trait, you think you're super polite but really its a damaging attitude to have.

Chill Tigger maybe I expressed that in the wrong way. You'll be please to know I'm not a people pleaser or think I'm super polite. I'm an absolute cow irl Grin

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