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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is effing rude?

135 replies

littlefrenchonion · 15/04/2016 18:28

So a good friend of 20 odd years of ours is attending a course very near us (15 mins away) this weekend and text DP to ask of we'd like to come and meet him for a meal tonight. We said we'd love to see him, but perhaps he could come to ours and I would cook us all a meal so that DD (1 yo) could get to bed on time. Offered a place to stay and a pick up/lift back if he wanted it too.

Didn't hear back all day so went and got things to make a curry and gave house a good tidy in case he came.

He's text DP to say thanks but no thanks as 'timings don't work out' for him. All fine so far.

Logged onto FB, and I see he's posted a shout out to anyone else in the area wanting to join him for a drink or a meal tonight, but 'no boring folk, I've got enough of those already'.

I'd heard people can be like this when you have a baby, but this is the first time I've experienced it. I don't think my cooking is horrendous either!

Feel a bit gutted and quite hurt really! Sad

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
littlefrenchonion · 15/04/2016 19:31

Tigger - well it's given you something to do tonight hasn't it?

And with that, I'm off to enjoy my curry.

OP posts:
TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 15/04/2016 19:41

Briefly. I'm going out with friends soon though, so you can enjoy your bitchfest.

upthegardenpath · 15/04/2016 19:42

OP he sounds like a twat.
Plus, he posted on Fb, knowing damn well you'd see it.
With friends like that, who needs enemies eh...

OliviaStabler · 15/04/2016 19:44

I don't think he's been rude. It sounds like he wants a night 'out' not one at someone's home being quiet due to a baby and not drinking that much. It's a chance for him to go out and have fun.

You have no proof that he is calling you boring, he could have asked his course mates to go out and they all said no so that's why he said that.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 15/04/2016 19:44

To be honest, OP I didn't read his message as a dig at you. I get that you had this situation with him, but it really could have been about someone else, or just a throwaway line.

So he's there this weekend, fancied a night out, texted you this morning to see if you fancied it, you replied saying dinner at yours, he replied later in the day saying no thanks.

To be honest, I just read it he fancied night out, rather than dinner in and didn't want to offend you by saying that, so made a lame excuse. It's not you, it's not your baby, he just fancied a few beers and a night out.

The name calling on this thread seems a bit OTT.

LeaLeander · 15/04/2016 19:45

surely posting publicly on FB for better options is a bit off

Hello? you declined his invitation to join him on a night out, so he sought someone who wanted to do so. What on earth is off or rude about that? He asked you first and you declined.

According to Miss Manners, treating an invitation "like the opening round in negotiations" as you did, is the rude part. You don't get to rearrange to suit yourself and then insult the other person if they stick to the terms they originally offered.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/04/2016 19:46

I don't think he's been rude, either. He hasn't posted looking for better options...

He wants to go out and have a meal and drinks. To be honest, I think that's quite a common want on a Friday night.

It was a nice offer that he came over for a meal but essentially, you turned him down - you didn't want to go out and eat. You counter-offered, but it doesn't really make a difference. He asked you out to eat, you said no.

So he posted on Facebook asking if anyone wanted to go out and eat. That's okay because you've already said no. I don't think the boring comment has anything to do with you at all.

He hasn't really done anything wrong here. He turned down your invite to a curry, but you're just at different life stages - you'd rather stay in and preserve DD's routine, he'd rather go out. That's okay. It's nothing personal.

Furiosa · 15/04/2016 19:47

Briefly. I'm going out with friends soon though, so you can enjoy your bitchfest

Tigger must be OP's friend Shock

nocoolnamesleft · 15/04/2016 19:50

He asked if you wanted a night out (probably so he could have relief from a boring course). You declined his offer, and instead proposed a night in. He declined this, and is seeing if anyone is up for what he proposed all along: a night out.

Can't see why either of you should be offended. Oh, and have been on enough courses that I'm pretty sure boring isn't being used to describe you!

wickedlazy · 15/04/2016 19:51

I think it was really rude. As others said he should have turned down the invite from the start, not turned his nose up at it later and made bitchy comments on fb. If he really did use the word boring I can see why you're annoyed. Have you been seeing less of him in general since DC? Dp had a few fair weather friends like this, but like an eejit he tried to impress them, prove he wasn't "under the thumb". Drove me nuts, but they started letting him down, and he knows know who's a proper mate and who isn't. This guy sounds really insensitive and offensive.

MrsHathaway · 15/04/2016 19:53

Reading between the lines, I think he expected DP to go out and OP to stay in.

His FB was pretty rude whoever he was referring to.

PoodlesOfFun · 15/04/2016 19:59

If he had replied straight back or even in a reasonably timely manner to your comment with "thanks but I was hoping to go out" that's fair enough.

However he left you hanging with no idea what you were up to tonight so you end up cooking just in case, then lets you know last minute he can't make it and then says something that could be easily misconstrued on fb.

nobber.

sallysparrow157 · 15/04/2016 20:00

I'm guessing (as someone who regularly goes away for work type course stuff) that there was a post course drink in a bar planned which he wanted to attend and had thought maybe he could meet up with you guys afterwards for a late-ish dinner, whereas if he'd needed to come to yours for a normal timed dinner he would have missed the drinks (often very important for networking and stuff). He's now had a couple of pints, wants to go out on the town and all his course mates have buggered off to their rooms so he's looking for a drinking buddy.

That would be what would happen on one of my courses. The networking element is too important to want to miss out on the immediate post course drinkies, then once I've had a couple I fancy a couple more (though a lot of my colleagues are of the same mindset which is not always a good thing when you have to go back to being educated the next day having been up til 3 doing 'bonding' tequila shots....)

PoodlesOfFun · 15/04/2016 20:00

Oh also who can get a babysitter that short notice?!

yorkshapudding · 15/04/2016 20:01

I do get why some posters are saying 'he fancies a meal out and a few drinks that's fair enough' etc. but that's not really the point. For a start, if he's child free surely he can do that anytime? It seems OP and the friend don't live local to one another so presumably they don't get to catch up all that often. I dont think it's unreasonable to be disappointed that his fancying a boozy meal out took precedence over wanting to spend time with old friends, after all if the company is good what difference does it make where you do your eating and drinking? Not everyone has reliable childcare so going out might mean that one half of the couple has to stay at home with the baby. I'd rather see both my friends at their house and enjoy a lovely home-cooked meal.

Either way, he was really rude to ignore your invitation altogether rather than saying "actually I was really looking forward to going out, sorry" and then to use FB to have a dig about it is just childish. He sounds like a twat.

TheCrumpettyTree · 15/04/2016 20:05

Now I want curry! Although not a coconut one, vile vile stuff.

You did change his plans, but if it is a dig at you then that's unfair. Hope you're enjoying your evening anyway.

Ohsotired123 · 15/04/2016 20:07

What a dick. He may well have thought that would be a boring night, but to write it on Facebook when it's blatantly about you is really rude. He probably wanted to have a few drinks out, but doesn't understand or give a shit that you have a 1 year old to care for and can't dump him on anybody. Childress people often think you can get a babysitter like that,or that you want to dump your child for any occasion.
How old is this guy, 19?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/04/2016 20:09

Poor bloke. OP, I think your troubles are over... he will hopefully not extend an invitation again that you feel the need to decline and counter offer. Tigger is right, you might not have called your 'friend' names yourself but you set the scene and didn't correct anybody else when they did it.

I didn't like your 'parting shot' to Tigger either... we all have things to do, wasting time on here is just a small part of that - for some.

Furiosa · 15/04/2016 20:14

Eh Lying

Tiggers comments to the OP weren't very nice either.

LeaLeander · 15/04/2016 20:15

I dont think it's unreasonable to be disappointed that his fancying a boozy meal out took precedence over wanting to spend time with old friends

It's not unreasonable to be disappointed but it is unreasonable to call him 'effing rude.' He did nothing wrong.

I bet SallySparrow's interpretation of events is the most on-target.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/04/2016 20:21

Furiosa, where? Tigger said, "Enjoy your bitchfest", which it is, because OP sits back and courts name-calling of her friend of 20 years... some special friendship that must be!

I can't see where Tigger was rude, she just didn't agree with the OP and what she posted - and neither do I.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/04/2016 20:27

surely posting publicly on FB for better options is a bit off?

He was posting for people to do what he had originally asked you to do.

Furiosa · 15/04/2016 20:28

Lying

I think Tigger comments are pretty aggressive to the OP.

She was also kinda shitty to me too. I'd said nothing bad to her.

TooGood2BeFalse · 15/04/2016 20:29

Very rude of him not to text back and at least confirm a decline with thanks.

It's OK if he wanted to go Out Out, of course! But he he cod have said that to you kindly, especially after 20 yrs of friendship.

As for his Facebook, sounds like he wasn't really thinking, might not have been a dig at you but completely understand why you feel hurt.

Lovely invite though OP, I think it's a real treat to be cooked for.

TooGood2BeFalse · 15/04/2016 20:29

*He could have said that to you nicely...oops