To be fed up of MIL's comments re dd having breast milk

[SweetElizaRose]

Mil and I don't get on brilliantly and she has said some exceptionally hurtful and thoughtless things over the years. Currently she is driving me mad over feeding dd. I failed at breastfeeding dd as she was prem and I had a c section followed by a longish hospital stay so I've expressed for her from the start. She's now just over 16 weeks and still exclusively breast milk fed.
Mil is a big formula advocate. Apparently dd would be much happier on formula. She would sleep through the night. She wouldn't get wind. She wouldn't cry. Mil fed all her children formula as in her opinion breasts are just for decoration and keeping men happy (this is what she said). Fair enough , she's entitled to her opinion but she's really pissing me off.
She has said:
Dd is really windy, it must be your milk making her ill.
Dd should be sleeping through, your milk doesn't satisfy her.
Dd is getting big, am I sure I'm giving her enough milk.
Dd seems to struggle and cry a lot (mainly when it's not me holding her, she's clingy at the minute so when anyone else holds her she looks for me and will often cry) do I think it's my milk?
Her other grandchildren (except my ds) were formula fed and all were much happier and easy babies.
Dd's nappies smell bad (shocker there, although I don't think they smell as bad as formula nappies as it happens!) maybe it's something I'm eating and passing in the milk?
Dd seems hungry all the time, maybe formula would fill her up more?

Fwiw as I am exclusively expressing I know
exactly how much milk dd has and it's well within the normal range for her none adjusted age and weight.

Basically every time I see her MIL makes some comment that alludes to my milk not being good enough for dd.

It's so annoying, particularly as it's damn near killing me to express 7-8 times a day and it means I can't go out anywhere really and am up in the night more. I'm trying to do what I think is my best for dd.
AIBU to find this so bloody annoying?

You need to stand up for yours of but more import ally for your daughter!
Why are you putting yourself in these situations where you allow her to abuse you?
Seriously! You're a grown woman and mother. You don't have to do anything or be anywhere you don't want to be!
Tell you idiot husband that his bitch mother is now banned from the house and if she steps one foot in you'll be a gem and open up the gates of hell on what you really think of her.
You and your children should be his priority and the fact he has allowed his previous mummy to say those things to you is beyond disgusting.
I would've thrown him out by now so that him and his mummy can be as chummy as they want.
Protect your children and get this toxic bitch away from them!

Wow, you are doing incredibly well to have expressed for so long I managed 3 months and just as I was thinking it would never end DS found his suck, so hang in there, it might soon get easier and in the meantime !

If you haven't already got one of those super-suction-double-action pumps then maybe that would make it less tiring for you? I know they are expensive, but soooo much easier and quicker. I found that drinking loads of whole milk myself also increased my supply, or at least DS seemed to put on weight - although i felt a bit like Charlie Mouse's chocolate biscuit machine on Bagpuss, (i.e. you put the milk in here, and then the milk comes out here)!

As for your MIL, tell her to do one. You are doing brilliantly.

YADNBU!

Expressing is hard work and so time consuming! Well done for sticking with it

I agree, get DH to tell MIL to pipe down next time she says something!

Ffs. I haven't rtft. She sounds awful. Ds was born seemingly determined to bf, I was lucky. I have totally failed to get him to take a bottle or express more than dribbles most of the time. You have much admiration from me for expressing for so long. It's double the work of either ff or ebf. Tell her to ftfo. Or at least think it.

You are amazing to have exclusively expressed for so long. I know someone, who expressed for 4 months and then switched to feeding when her DS was able and she successfully continued bf for a long time. You are a strong woman to still be doing this with a premie and elder sibling. This woman's presence is undermining you and affecting your mental health.
I too recently read a thread recently you wrote and it's darn clear your mil wouldn't be like this if your husband didn't enable her. She sounds very jealous, immature and entitled. She basically sounds like a child in an adults body. And as she doesn't know how to be an adult, it's not surprising that your DH never learnt the skills to be one either. I think he's got a fair way to go so it's for you to do what you can despite him not protecting you.
I think you should:
A) arrange to see her a lot less - get involved in activities so that you are not available
B) answer her comments very simply so as to shut her down, these are easy to repeat and you can have a few stock phrases to refer to, eg "DS is is doing fine, thanks for your concern", "thank you for your input, I'm happy with my choices", "the doctor/health visitor/nurse is very pleased with his progress", "thank you for your concern, his sleeping patterns are fine" etc (big smile)
C) not be confrontational. You cannot win with this personality type, who will be affronted by your Gaul. She has no logic and will one day argue that white is white and the next that white is black.
D) as another poster said, be inquisitive. She just wants to feel valued, remember she's a child. "How did you do X then?" Bla bla bla "oh that's interesting", "oh really I didn't know that" (even if you do) "oh advice has changed goodness me"

E) be measured and calm.

F) change the subject as quickly as possible (have some pre thought out topics to discuss "anyway changing the subject, (DH and I were thinking of repainting the hall, what colours do you think would look nice?) (my kettles been playing up, did it work ok for you)" etc mI mean just say anything to change the subject.
I have an extremely narcissistic mother and all of this works well with her. It's all about managing the person and not letting them get to you. I've had a lot of counselling and can throughly recommend it.
Good luck x

One phrase:

"Don't be so bloody ridiculous!"

Every. Single. Time.

Oh and this one:

"One more comment like that and you'll not be seeing me or my child for a very VERY long time, back off and leave me alone"

The only thing there that is true is that formula does seem to fill them up more. But she is 16 weeks ffs. What 4 month old sleeps through? Seriously you could stuff her full of breeze blocks and she'd still wake. Tell her if she wants to bottle feed so badly you'll buy her a baby born. I think the classic ODFOD says all you need to say here.

Tell her to stop being so bloody obsessed by your boobs!

OMFG. My blood is boiling reading about your MIL. What a fucking bitch. She is not a gem, she is a bitch of the highest order. You really need to have words with your DH about this and he needs to cop the fuck on and support you, not say she's a gem when she's being so horrid to you.

The comments about Christmas / your baby being premature and chickenpox - like WTF? What a fucking loon.

You are absolutely incredible to have expressed so far, you are amazing. I'm amazed you have managed to keep your cool with MIL for this long. I actually would have told her to shut the fuck up by now over all those comments about formula, Christmas and chickenpox. If your DH won't tell her to wind her neck in, then you need to. If she doesn't give two shits about your feelings, then I wouldn't treat her like a delicate little flower. Treat her with as little respect as she treats you. Next time she brings it up, I would lose my shit with her. Or just say MIL, I am fed up of your constant negative comments over how I am choosing to feed MY child. I didn't ask for your opinion and I don't want to hear it. If you don't have anything nice or supportive to say to me, then keep your comments to yourself. I will no longer entertain this crap so shut the fuck up, you stupid wagon

I second the "one more comment like that and you will not be seeing me or my child for a very long time".

YY to the video posted on page 3. I shared it a while back.

I EEd for DD for 8 months when standard breastfeeding didn't work for us. I took it a day at a time - it was fucking hard work and very very unglamorous. The best and the worst of boob and bottle. You're doing an amazing thing for for baby.

There's also another advantage. Night milk contains hormones that make babies more alert - traditionally night was dangerous for humans. I used to give DD day milk at night and night milk in the day.

As for your MIL, feel free to PM me her details and I'll have a word. . Actually, feel free to PM me if you want to chat. I know it can get lonely when you've only the sound of a pump to keep you company.

Sounds infuriating but do remember she's probably from that generation where formula was pushed at women as a 'more nutritious' option. Your MIL sounds misinformed, I'm sure she has baby's best intentions at heart. Have a word with DH and be patient.

Don't worry about DD and chicken pox my DT's caught it from their older brothers at five weeks old, they were not anywhere near as poorly as the older ones Doctor reckoned is was down to them being BREASTFED!!!!

I think she is actually jealous of your "Mothering abilities" 16 weeks of expressing takes real commitment and dedication. You have done the very best you possibly can for DD feel smug in the realisation that its something that she never did, it will help you ignore it.

Like paintandbrush said, different generation. Just do what you want/need and try not to worry about it. My MIL (very similar attitudes to yours) ordered me out of a cafe once while I was breastfeeding because it made her too uncomfortable - the waitress ordered me back in no uncertain terms . By the time the second one came along, I felt more able to tell MIL to stick it..

I wouldn't bother trying to convert her, by showing her articles etc. Such a waste of your energy. Just tell her her comments are hurting you, upsetting you and offending you, they are rude and tactless. Ask her to stop.

Boundaries. She's trampling all over yours, so you need to firm them up. There's a book by Anne Katherine called where to draw the line, creating boundaries for everyday life (or something like that) Could you look it up on Amazon and maybe read an extract to see if you might find it helpful?

Your DH is not going to sort this I don't think, otherwise he would have.

YADNBU. You need to tell her to butt out. If she is someone who speaks her mind she should respect you speaking yours!

I can't believe anyone would think this .... " She has been saying that FIL in heaven made dd prem so she didn't have to have Christmas on her own. Bully for her. I spent my Christmas on my own in a side room whilst my baby was on a ventilator. She was pleased dd was prem because it meant she got to 'play Santa' for ds and had a great Christmas." Let alone say it!!!!

This kind of ridiculous comment would really upset me and I would tell her not to repeat it again!

clockbuscanada fabulous video.

Yanbu. Breast milk is better for premature babies maybe show her the bliss website I formula fed my premature son but I am not an idiot breast milk really is better and well done for expressing for 16 weeks you sound like you are doing wonderfully I had the most unhappiest reflux baby ever by the way didn't stop screaming for the first 7 + months and he was formula fed. I really think you need to nip this in the bud either tell her seriously your not listening to this or get dh to you really don't need this

Dh thinks it's funny. He says his mother is 'a gem' who just says what she thinks.

I'd tell him that if he thinks its so hilarious when people just say what they think - in fact, it makes them a gem - then he won't object when you next see his mother, and you tell her exactly and honestly what you think - about her manners, opinions, and behaviour towards you. Sweet smile. After all, it seems he is SUCH a fan of brutal honesty!

If he's not keen on that notion, ask him why his mother is allowed to treat you like this while he nods benignly on? Why isn't he wanting to protect you from behaviour his mother must be protected from?

Sorry to say it, but the old MN cliche that you don't have a MIL problem, you have DH problem is usually spot on.

Op, you are a star

You're awesome. Why did you say you 'failed to breastfeed'.

You ARE breastfeeding, your baby gets all her food from your milk.

It's impressive how you've persevered for months, doing all the faff of bottles, with the added exhaustion of nonstop expressing, and getting none of the usual benefits for yourself.

I started to breastfeed dd1 out of conviction, then found it made my life so much easier, there was no turning back. She was also prem, and I expressed for the first month whilst she was still in hospital, so I have some idea what it's like.

I don't know if I would have had the stamina and dedication to match what you've done. I was lucky, dd transitioned to the breast. Some babies don't. You are amazing.

Your husband is failing you! Your mil can be one more nasty person in your life, no big deal you can ignore her or deal with her like you'd do with a stranger being a bitch to you
Problem is your husband is there to protect you and he's not! If he was supporting you I guarantee you, you wouldn't give a flying fuck about her comments
Put him aside and have a serious chat

First of all you deserve a medal for expressing for that long and you should be extremely proud of yourself!

Your MIL is an ignorant cow. Next time she makes a comment about your DD getting big and your milk not filling her up, point out it's your milk that's got her this far so you think she's doing just fine thanks. Of course formula contains everything a baby needs to thrive and is the best choice for many families but has your MIL really missed everything in recent years which makes clear breastmilk is the recommended option?

My five month old is bf and he still feeds on demand, had wind and colic (thankfully grown out of now) and doesn't sleep through the night. We tried supplementing with formula to see if it would help. It didn't. So we saved ourselves the expense and stuck with ebf.

As for your husband... what was his reaction to her vile comments about Christmas? Surely he didn't think that was funny?

MIL shut up or fuck off.

What would happen if you said that?