To be fed up of MIL's comments re dd having breast milk

[SweetElizaRose]

Mil and I don't get on brilliantly and she has said some exceptionally hurtful and thoughtless things over the years. Currently she is driving me mad over feeding dd. I failed at breastfeeding dd as she was prem and I had a c section followed by a longish hospital stay so I've expressed for her from the start. She's now just over 16 weeks and still exclusively breast milk fed.
Mil is a big formula advocate. Apparently dd would be much happier on formula. She would sleep through the night. She wouldn't get wind. She wouldn't cry. Mil fed all her children formula as in her opinion breasts are just for decoration and keeping men happy (this is what she said). Fair enough , she's entitled to her opinion but she's really pissing me off.
She has said:
Dd is really windy, it must be your milk making her ill.
Dd should be sleeping through, your milk doesn't satisfy her.
Dd is getting big, am I sure I'm giving her enough milk.
Dd seems to struggle and cry a lot (mainly when it's not me holding her, she's clingy at the minute so when anyone else holds her she looks for me and will often cry) do I think it's my milk?
Her other grandchildren (except my ds) were formula fed and all were much happier and easy babies.
Dd's nappies smell bad (shocker there, although I don't think they smell as bad as formula nappies as it happens!) maybe it's something I'm eating and passing in the milk?
Dd seems hungry all the time, maybe formula would fill her up more?

Fwiw as I am exclusively expressing I know
exactly how much milk dd has and it's well within the normal range for her none adjusted age and weight.

Basically every time I see her MIL makes some comment that alludes to my milk not being good enough for dd.

It's so annoying, particularly as it's damn near killing me to express 7-8 times a day and it means I can't go out anywhere really and am up in the night more. I'm trying to do what I think is my best for dd.
AIBU to find this so bloody annoying?

I spent my Christmas on my own in a side room whilst my baby was on a ventilator. She was pleased dd was prem because it meant she got to 'play Santa' for ds and had a great Christmas.

Dear god. Stop pussyfooting round this evil witch and tell her to FTFO - permanently.

She isn't funny she's really, really spiteful. And your 'D'H needs to decide where his priorities lie.

And if you've been expressing for 16 weeks you must be exhausted and you're an absolute hero.

Ordinarily in these situations it seems to be the case that the Mil/dm want to care for the child and breastfeeding prevents this but that's obviously not the issue here.

Other than being a complete cow could she be projecting? Perhaps she 'failed' at breastfeeding and doesn't like that you are succeeding? I ebf but my family often ask when am I going to start giving her formula. They seem to think it's obligatory but I also think I've put a few noses of of joint by bf for so long as 'women in our family can't breast feed' has been used as justification by my sisters and cousins.

High five for expressing for so long!! I couldn't do it

no way would any decent man let his mother behave in such a way to his wife, the woman he's supposed to love and the mother of his child

YES

What you're doing is amazing, I wish I could send you a string quartet along with non-alcoholic fizz and a v large bouquet of flowers to serenade your determination and commitment. And a masseuse to soothe your brow and rub your feet at the end of the day. Well done, you!
Oh, and your mil sounds bonkers. Chin up.

YANBU. & you haven't failed to breastfeed. You are bloody marvellous.

Add her to your whatsapp and save a hundred or so articles on breastfeeding (ask DH to do this for you) and then send her one link every night after 12.00 when you are expressing mom and when you are sure that she is sleeping.
If you are more lady like than me, probably ask your husband to intervene as a pre mature birth is already too muc to handle without her causing such a fuss. Xxx

I forgot to say that there is obviously no need to read those articles yourself. You seem to know exactly what you are doing. Just copy paste the Url for her.

You are doing brilliantly to keep up with expressing for this length of time.

Your MIL is a nasty, nasty piece of work. I can't comprehend how your husband can find it funny that she was delighted by your baby's premature birth and extended hospital stay. And is she genuinely too stupid to realise that the dangers of chicken pox for a premature baby extend far beyond how pretty an accessory she makes for her grandmother?

Urrghhh the bloody phone !! Milk, not mom ffs

Your Dh sounds like an unsupportive dick head.

Start standing up for yourself and tell her to STFU

You are amazing expressing for so long, well done.

Your husband needs to back you up and tell her to stop.

If she doesn't I would remind her that having a young baby is stressful and tiring regardless of how they are fed and any medical issues they may have, and that you need support and encouragement from family not undermining and negativity - if she can't be the support you need I would reduce contact until she can - easy for me to say I know, but she needs some boundaries and some consequences when she crosses a line.

Your DH really needs to step up here, his mother is being dreadful.

You though, you're a real trooper.

MIL is free to think what she likes but I think her opinion is shite.

Anecdotally:

1. DD1 was mix fed from a week old and she had quite bad wind/silent reflux. She tended to have slightly more formula than breast milk throughout the day.
2. my aunt formula fed from the start and her DD slept through at 3. Not 3 months, 3 years old!
3. surely all these scientists and nutritionists can't all be wrong.

Just nod and go yeah sure.

Or if you're as hormonal as I was tell her to keep her opinion to herself/you've heard her opinion already fuck off you sexist woman.

Oh and best of luck feeding - breastfeed as long as you want to.

Currently feeding DD2 (9 weeks).

Oh how needlessly difficult for you. I expressed through the day for my unsettled first baby too but strangely she was happy to feed directly from the boob at night time. Frequently but not for long. Get someone else to check her for tongue-tie? Try getting her to latch at night time.

My DD refused all bottles and looked for the breast once she started teething at five months....

Ooh this is bringing back so many memories.... My MIL went on and on about how ridiculous Bf-ing is. Formula milk was great for her four babies blah blah. She was the first person ever to settle her nephew by giving him carnation milk blah blah.

Your MIL clearly feels very threatened by having 'her ways of child-rearing' challenged, as she will see it. Could you invite someone who knows about feeding round sometime that your MIL is over and ask them to 'challenge' your MIL, diplomatically if possible. Could you find it in you to make a point of asking her advice about other (unimportant) stuff? Get her to reminisce about the good old days when your DH was a baby - his routine (impeccable no doubt - slept through from day one and never cried I expect ) while you have a snooze- If you can find it in yourself to pretend to welcome her - ' Ooh lovely, DD, here's granny coming' that might help and might make it more effective when you don't accept her constant carping. 'DMIL, you had your turn of bringing up children and you did a fantastic job, now it's my turn and I'm doing it the way I think's best'.

What a nasty, selfish woman. You are AMAZING expressing for so long, it must be utterly exhausting. You deserve high - fives, compliments, cups of tea and chocolate from your mil for doing this for her gc , not this bullshit.

Oh and just again I pumped from day 2 until 14 months it was hard but I wanted the best for DD. Just don't let your health suffer.

You are ebf-ing amazing! Tell mil to get a life

You could suggest she have a look at the back of any formula tub- it will say "breastfeeding is best for babies". (Not meant to be judgemental- I bf, expressed and ff!)

YANBU, and words fail me wrt her comment about the purpose of breasts. She gets to make that call about hers. That's it. Nobody else's. Unbelievably arrogant of her to tell you how to use your body! And one wonders if she makes an exception for lesbians, or perhaps they aren't real. If she views her own breasts as purely decorative, that's absolutely fine and not up for discussion. Her body, her choice. But the same is true for women who want to use theirs for feeding. Either a person understands this, or they're a cunt. She appears to fall into the second category.

If exclusive expressing is working for you, of course keep at it as long as you like. As usual with these things though, you have as much a DH problem as a MIL problem.

You have been doing wonderfully SweetEliza, just ignore her but it must be horrible for you.

My father used to bottle feed my sister after my mother had breast fed her just because she cried. He said my mother's milk had something wrong with it! My MIL was not as bad as yours but the were constant hints. It is very undermining.

When was your MIL born? She seems to have swallowed baby formula advertisement campaigns hook line and sinker!

Tell her to fuck the fuck off.

I'm serious. She is clearly not respecting you and your choices so why should you be respectful to her? I put up with this shit from my MIL about BF until DH finally cottoned on to how much it was upsetting me, and grew some balls and told her to wind her neck in.

You are doing fantastically. Pumping round the clock is incredibly hard (I did it too but never achieved full supply). It's an incredible achievement, keep reminding yourself of that.

I eventually became quite childish and passive aggressive with her; really enjoyed making a point of feeding DD when I was out and about with her. Her face was a picture every time; veering between outrage and embarrassment.

I fed DD to 2.5 in the end. To be fair, MIL came round eventually. Or at least she stopped being a dick about it.

Firstly, you have NOT failed at breastfeeding, your baby is getting your milk as nature intended, the route makes no difference. I think it's time you told her to mind her own bloody business, just because she bottle fed (as did I, 4 times) it doesn't mean you should. As you say, you know how much baby is getting, that's the one problem I had with bf. Stick with what your doing, your the mum and you know best.

A simple "will you shut the fuck up MIL I am bored of this job" will suffice. Mind you, she may never speak to you again.

If is one this I have learnt on mumsnet, and that is, when my time comes to be a MIL I will absolutely NOT be one of those you read about on here.

MIL needs to FTFO.
You are a fucking hero for expressing for SIXTEEN WEEKS!!

She needs to be in your presence a heck of a lot less often and DH needs to tell her to naff off.