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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of MIL's comments re dd having breast milk

153 replies

SweetElizaRose · 15/04/2016 16:40

Mil and I don't get on brilliantly and she has said some exceptionally hurtful and thoughtless things over the years. Currently she is driving me mad over feeding dd. I failed at breastfeeding dd as she was prem and I had a c section followed by a longish hospital stay so I've expressed for her from the start. She's now just over 16 weeks and still exclusively breast milk fed.
Mil is a big formula advocate. Apparently dd would be much happier on formula. She would sleep through the night. She wouldn't get wind. She wouldn't cry. Mil fed all her children formula as in her opinion breasts are just for decoration and keeping men happy (this is what she said). Fair enough , she's entitled to her opinion but she's really pissing me off.
She has said:
Dd is really windy, it must be your milk making her ill.
Dd should be sleeping through, your milk doesn't satisfy her.
Dd is getting big, am I sure I'm giving her enough milk.
Dd seems to struggle and cry a lot (mainly when it's not me holding her, she's clingy at the minute so when anyone else holds her she looks for me and will often cry) do I think it's my milk?
Her other grandchildren (except my ds) were formula fed and all were much happier and easy babies.
Dd's nappies smell bad (shocker there, although I don't think they smell as bad as formula nappies as it happens!) maybe it's something I'm eating and passing in the milk?
Dd seems hungry all the time, maybe formula would fill her up more?

Fwiw as I am exclusively expressing I know
exactly how much milk dd has and it's well within the normal range for her none adjusted age and weight.

Basically every time I see her MIL makes some comment that alludes to my milk not being good enough for dd.

It's so annoying, particularly as it's damn near killing me to express 7-8 times a day and it means I can't go out anywhere really and am up in the night more. I'm trying to do what I think is my best for dd.
AIBU to find this so bloody annoying?

OP posts:

clockbuscanada · 15/04/2016 17:18

Get DH to have a word. This is what worked when my MIL told me that BFing was "what backwards people did".

Someone shared this film recently summarising research on babies sleeping through the night, and all the annoying comments you get, so you could show her if she is the type to listen to reason If she is anything like mine, I have my doubts

Quodlibet · 15/04/2016 17:19

WTF about Xmas??? That is extraordinarily self-absorbed! FiL made your baby come early - thus endangering its life - so that she could play Santa????? I'm surprised you have any patience with her at all frankly.

Bloody well done on the expressing. That is one heroic effort and not a failure at all. I am in the camp that says draw your own boundaries, firmly, and don't worry about being rude. She isn't. I think you need to make it absolutely clear that you are finding her views offensive, have made your choice for your child and don't want to hear one more word on the subject.

Snapandcrackle · 15/04/2016 17:19

Yanbu and well done for expressing for so long

"A gem who says what she thinks" my stbxh described his mum the same way. She is a bitch.

Plus I am shocked about the Christmas you had. She sounds totally self centred.

(Big hug for you)

MoreGilmoreGirls · 15/04/2016 17:20

There are few things that make my blood boil your MIL is one of them

I too struggled to bf and had to express it us bloody hard. To do it for do long you should be given a medal.

Your DH needs to back you up and tell h's darling mother to back off.

If he doesn't I am available for slapping duties.

NewLife4Me · 15/04/2016 17:20

This should be coming from your husband as she has no right to treat you like this.
tell him to man up and get her told.
no way would any decent man let his mother behave in such a way to his wife, the woman he's supposed to love and the mother of his child.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/04/2016 17:22

I think I'd give her a warning. Maybe "MIL you clearly feel we have a relationship where we can each speak our minds so I feel I can be honest with you. I'm entirely happy with my decision to feed baby breastmilk, all the current medical advice says it's the best option for her. If you're going to come round at any time in the next 18 months you're going to need to be supportive, or at the very least silently neutral about my choice." Any more shit from her I'd send her home.

Bungleboggs · 15/04/2016 17:23

"pleased she was prem" is she for effing real??? Ffs that's a horrible thing to say, my dts were 10 weeks early and the stress is unbelievable. How is your daughter doing now OP? x

Lovewineandchocs · 15/04/2016 17:24

gettinglike

I actually know a man like that-apparently he said "no wife of mine is gonna use her breasts for anyone other than me." He is a pathetic wanker tbf.

OP, I know it's really hard and you are fantastic for keeping up expressing. I would just smile and shake your head at your MIL. Also, after injections etc I would make a point of mentioning how well the doctor/health visitor etc think that you are doing, and how they are so pleased with the weight your baby has put on etc and how admirable they find it that you are expressing. She will hate that lol

Organon8 · 15/04/2016 17:24

You have a serious DH problem not a MIL problem

Mrskeats · 15/04/2016 17:24

You must have the patience of a saint
The way you feed your baby is your choice and she needs to butt out
Tell your husband to deal with her or you will be having a word
She needs a special award for anti feminist comment of the week
I would be concerned she's going to have opinions on all your choices with your child so shut this down now

FantasticButtocks · 15/04/2016 17:25

She's glad your baby was premature so that she could have a nice Christmas? That is so incredibly self centred! Your FIL actually arranged it from heaven that your baby would be born premature as a soothing comfort for her? Good God. She sounds unhinged and narcissistic and bloody hard work.

Mrskeats · 15/04/2016 17:25

And I agree that your husband is a big part of this issue

HumphreyCobblers · 15/04/2016 17:26

"She has been saying that FIL in heaven made dd prem so she didn't have to have Christmas on her own"

Good GOD that is appalling. I think you have no obligation to remain polite when dealing with this woman. And when your DH complains you are rude to her you can just tell him "I just say what I think. I am a gem, you see".

PestilentialCat · 15/04/2016 17:27

If your MIL thinks breasts are for decoration then why aren't hers on the mantelpiece?

^^ this is funny

I once overheard a young, bottle-feeding mum say, "I could never breast-feed - that's just not what breasts are for these days "

Original poster

SweetElizaRose · 15/04/2016 17:28

I cried when she made the baby being sent early specially for her comment. I was really angry and hurt. Even if she's not bothered about me you'd think she would be bothered about dd.
Similarly we've been exposed to chickenpox recently and just waiting to see if we've caught it. MiL said 'I hope dd doesn't get it because I won't be able to show her off at the family wedding if she's spotty.'
Yes because that's the main concern about a prem baby catching chicken pox.

OP posts:

SaffaQueen · 15/04/2016 17:30

YANBU! I was in a similar situation with DD1. We had a very traumatic birth and she was quite anxious as a baby - cried a lot and was very hard to settle etc. My MIL (formula advocate who never be her 3 children) came to visit and stay with us to help when she was 4 weeks old. Despite the HV saying DD was picking up weight, MIL would keep making comments about she does not think she is getting enough milk, DH needs to pick up some formula on the way home. Not helpful when you new to breastfeeding and not sure about how much milk you are producing! It got so bad we bought a pump for me to show MIL how much milk I was producing / top up feed! DH had a word with her as we were both upset and she toned down. But the final straw was when my SIL told DH that my MIL had told her DD was starving and it was tantamount to child abuse! We were so upset that DH put her on a train to my BIL straight away and told her she can't come over until she thinks about her hurtful comments and apologises!

That was a shock and to this day she makes an effort to tell me I did a good job bf'ing DD1 (plenty of meat on her bones now) and has only made similar comments with DD2 (8 mths)!

DH needs to support you and have a word.
Btw - you did not fail at breastfeeding & well done persevering with expressing, especially the early days!

Good luck!

JustMeAndHim · 15/04/2016 17:30

"She has been saying that FIL in heaven made dd prem so she didn't have to have Christmas on her own. Bully for her. I spent my Christmas on my own in a side room whilst my baby was on a ventilator. She was pleased dd was prem because it meant she got to 'play Santa' for ds and had a great Christmas."

^This. This is awful. Both on her part - why would you say this to someone!? - and on the part of your DH. He seriously ought to be bringing her into line!!

She's a "gem"? She sounds like an absolute knob and he needs to get a grip of her and let her know that this isn't acceptable behaviour.

Well done for expressing for so long, that's a job and a half and it sounds like you're doing a fab job.

SeaCabbage · 15/04/2016 17:31

Definitely time for a big chat with your DH.

This whole thing is so awful. Your MIL sounds absolutely horrible.

I can't imagine expressing for that long - that is amazing. As someone else asked, have you tried to feed straight from the breast now that your baby is bigger?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 15/04/2016 17:32

She sounds awful, an utter nightmare. Equally your husband sounds like a prize mummy's boy tosser. Reduce your contact with her. And make it very clear to all why you have.

for you.

diddl · 15/04/2016 17:32

She sounds an absolute bitch & I'm not sure about your husband.

Can you be "a gem" back to her?

Or just roll your eyes & say "fucking hell are you still droning on about me breastfeeding?"

Christ I thought that my MIL was the absolute limit when my PFB was pre 30 weeks & it was all about how would she cope, would he be fully formed??!!

PestilentialCat · 15/04/2016 17:32

The Christmas thing is just awful & the spots at the wedding comment - what a selfish cow

Arfarfanarf · 15/04/2016 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chottie · 15/04/2016 17:34

I'm a MiL and I think you are doing a wonderful job

p.s. you are not a failure at breast feeding at all.

You are a saint putting up with your MiL, I would have snapped weeks ago.

Bungleboggs · 15/04/2016 17:35

Its not often I get cross but some of the things people say ?? Diddl - "fully formed" what the bloody hell did you mil think a 30 weeker would look like "??"

MetalMidget · 15/04/2016 17:41

Dh thinks it's funny. He says his mother is 'a gem' who just says what she thinks.

Be a gem to your husband and tell him that his mother can go fuck herself, and that you have no interest in subjecting yourself or your children to a self-absorbed, poisonous witch.

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