To be fed up of MIL's comments re dd having breast milk

[SweetElizaRose]

Mil and I don't get on brilliantly and she has said some exceptionally hurtful and thoughtless things over the years. Currently she is driving me mad over feeding dd. I failed at breastfeeding dd as she was prem and I had a c section followed by a longish hospital stay so I've expressed for her from the start. She's now just over 16 weeks and still exclusively breast milk fed.
Mil is a big formula advocate. Apparently dd would be much happier on formula. She would sleep through the night. She wouldn't get wind. She wouldn't cry. Mil fed all her children formula as in her opinion breasts are just for decoration and keeping men happy (this is what she said). Fair enough , she's entitled to her opinion but she's really pissing me off.
She has said:
Dd is really windy, it must be your milk making her ill.
Dd should be sleeping through, your milk doesn't satisfy her.
Dd is getting big, am I sure I'm giving her enough milk.
Dd seems to struggle and cry a lot (mainly when it's not me holding her, she's clingy at the minute so when anyone else holds her she looks for me and will often cry) do I think it's my milk?
Her other grandchildren (except my ds) were formula fed and all were much happier and easy babies.
Dd's nappies smell bad (shocker there, although I don't think they smell as bad as formula nappies as it happens!) maybe it's something I'm eating and passing in the milk?
Dd seems hungry all the time, maybe formula would fill her up more?

Fwiw as I am exclusively expressing I know
exactly how much milk dd has and it's well within the normal range for her none adjusted age and weight.

Basically every time I see her MIL makes some comment that alludes to my milk not being good enough for dd.

It's so annoying, particularly as it's damn near killing me to express 7-8 times a day and it means I can't go out anywhere really and am up in the night more. I'm trying to do what I think is my best for dd.
AIBU to find this so bloody annoying?

I clearly need to read what I've written. .

RE 'breasts are for decoration and keeping men happy' -

I actually read in an American magazine (OK, it was ages go) that women shouldn't breast feed if it made their husbands jealous.

Can't imagine what sort of man (if you could call such a pathetic wanker a man) would be jealous of a tiny baby getting its proper food.

Myself id just atop spending anytime with her if she sks why just say that as she seems to.find your baby such hard work you decided they should spend less time together.
When or if you have to see her just repeat 'i know back in your day formula was considered beat but considerable amounts of research has shown breast is best'

*I'm all

ffs

Not unreasonable at all. I breast feed my baby and those comments would annoy me.

I think it's lovely that you've managed to express for your baby these 16 weeks.
I'm sure you have already but have you tried showing your mil some of the studies and things that show how good great milk is for baby?

Breast feeding/ breast milk is one of the most natural things, breast aren't just for men to look at.

That made me a bit teary 2Many no we haven't had the easiest time one way or another...

MIL does rub me up the wrong way. Fil sadly died in the summer and she was worried about being on her own over Christmas (although everyone would have gone round anyway). As it turned out dh and ds went and stopped with her all over Christmas whilst I was in hospital with dd. She has been saying that FIL in heaven made dd prem so she didn't have to have Christmas on her own. Bully for her. I spent my Christmas on my own in a side room whilst my baby was on a ventilator. She was pleased dd was prem because it meant she got to 'play Santa' for ds and had a great Christmas.

You haven't "failed" at bf- your child is fed exclusively bm. Which is particularly difficult if you are expressing- superwoman! Well done try to ignore her, or point out to her there is nothing wrong with ff, but that medical advice had changed now and that as your dd was prem you want to do everything you possibly can to help build her immune system as advised by her doctors.

breasts are for decoration

I'm now unable to shift the image of me hiding in this years Christmas Tree with my norks whacked out for a fun festive surprise that no bauble can come close to...

The next comment she makes about your milk, look her in the eye and say in a low, calm, deliberate voice: 'Actually, MIL, I'm starting to be really offended by all your comments about my milk. Please stop making them. Now, how about a nice cup of tea?' If she says anything after you've asked her to shut the fuck up stop, it is time to lose your shit with her. I certainly wouldn't leave it up to your husband to sort it, especially if he thinks she's a gem. You have to put your boundaries in place. I somehow don't think your DH would be very good at doing it on your behalf as that should already have come naturally to him, and it didn't.

Christ she does sound like a real 'gem' and not in a good way. She isn't funny, she's just plain rude.

I think you're amazing to have expressed for so long. A lot of women would have given up.

Is there no way you can get your baby to take straight from the breast now she's getting bigger? You don't mention your reasons for continuing to express, so sorry if that's not an appropriate question - don't want to sound like MIL - but if you have a breast feeding councillor group near you to offer advice it might be worth having a word with them if it would make life easier for you.

And MIL need to be told to back off.

WTF!? Breasts as decoration, just to please men!??! I'm speechless!

No advice I'm afraid, all I can say is bloody well done on the expressing, you have not "failed" at anything, it's your choice and you are doing what you think is right for YOUR child. End of x

💐

I think you are a total !! Expressing is so hard , and on top of that you have all the hassle of bottle feeding. It is an amazing thing you are doing for your child.

I agree with all the PPs who say your DH should talk to his mum, but family dynamics are complicated - if he hasn't said anything yet it will probably never happen, not because he is unreasonable or because he doesn't care about you, but because that's just not how they do things in his family.

You however, are not part of that original family. You are a newcomer who can draw your own boundaries. Either ignore her, move away when she starts or tell her to stop as politely or rudely as feels right for you. You are the mum now so you get to make the new family rules.

FWIW i would imagine she is feeling a little jealous - you have her precious son and her precious GC on a full time, permanent basis, putting you down probably makes her feel a little better about that.

I want to slap your MIL.

1. Get your husband to have a word with her.
2. Tell her yourself "I appreciate you have an opinion in the way that I feed my dc I'd also appreciate it if you kept your opinion to yourself. This is the way dh and I have decided to feed our dc. You had your chance to be a parent now it's our chance."

But then my FMIL rubs me up the wrong way and I thoroughly enjoy watching her get the cats-bum face when I pull her up on stuff because she knows she can't say anything back without making her look like a right cow.

Basically every time I see her MIL makes some comment that alludes to my milk not being good enough for dd.

I'd refuse to see her again. And I'd tell her why. If not worry too much about politeness, either. It isn't acceptable for her to be rude and critical about your parenting every time she sees you. The sooner she understands that, the better, because after bf-ing it'll be something else (weaning, potty training, bedtime, etc). Nip it in the bud sooner rather than later.

Oh good grief, that is really tedious.

I expressed for 15/16 weeks for both of mine due to prem and cs too and it's a really hard, tough regime - really well done to you, you're doing the best thing for your baby.

Mine did eventually learn to bf if that's any consolation...I did find that eating broccoli seemed to make them both howl the day after, they both had colic, and I wished I'd paid more attention to all that diet stuff but ~I was really suffering after both my csections and wasn't in much of a position to do much really.

Tell her to piss off, or get your DH to.
Congratualtions on your baby x

She's being a rude cow. However I'd try to shut it down without creating drama.

I'd have a mantra to trot out every time she mentions it. Along the lines of ... 'I've made the decision to breastfeed DD. Its working well for us and it's not up for discussion. Now' ... Rapid change of subject.

Repeat ad nausea until she backs the fuck off.

I have no advice to offer re you MIL, but wanted to mention that my ds had the same sort of start as your dd, and I thought I'd missed the b/f boat too. I expressed for four months - bloody exhausting. Then I met by chance a b/f counsellor who said, 'Whack him on. I've had babies get the hang of it later than this'.

And after a few false starts, he did! So you never know. (Make your nipple a bit milky first so she's on the scent).

Your husband sounds like an arse, leaving you at Christmas in hospital, and not having a word with his mother.

Well done for expressing so long x

Oh and also, yes you are a total hero!!

Wow, I'd be losing it with her big time. And with your 'D'H too. He needs to stand up for you now. And she isn't a gem, she's a turd set in lucite.

You did not fail at BF, you are succeeding at it brilliantly and in the hardest way possible - you are amazing.

Lay down the law to your DH and if he won't stand up for you, show your MIL the door until she can shut the fuck up about your feeding choices.

She has been saying that FIL in heaven made dd prem so she didn't have to have Christmas on her own

OMFG

I am deeply impressed that a) you're expressing BM (seriously, that is NOT failing at breast feeding) and b) you haven't told her to fuck off.

She sounds bloody awful, but I would say if she's the type that 'says what she thinks' then that works both ways and you can tell her to STFU about your parenting.

Oh, and if that fails tell her it's OK cos her son is a leg man

Great advice from Laurie, a definite "It's my choice, I don't dictate how you use your breasts, please don't attempt to tell me what to do with mine, are you going to stick the kettle on now?" until she shuts up permanently.

Bloody hell!

How you have not smacked her one is beyond me .

That prem birth comment

Dh thinks it's funny. He says his mother is 'a gem' who just says what she thinks.

Right. So there's your green light, if it's cute and funny for her to say what she thinks regardless of people's feelings then why should you hold back? She clearly doesn't find empathy easy anyway - I'm gobsmacked at the comment about dd being prem 'for her'..... poor you!

"Right MiL, we've had this conversation enough now. We're not talking any further about feeding and formula."

"Yes but..."

"I'm done."

Look her right in the eye, refuse to let that conversation happen. If she then gets upset or angry that's her problem, and dh can deal with it, because you are not the one in the wrong and all three of you know it.

Bloody well done expressing, that's hard work.

Your mil is being both rude and ignorant. In your shoes, I would give DH the option to tell her to back off, but if he failed to do so, I would have to tell her that she wasn't welcome around me and the baby any more.