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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up of MIL's comments re dd having breast milk

153 replies

SweetElizaRose · 15/04/2016 16:40

Mil and I don't get on brilliantly and she has said some exceptionally hurtful and thoughtless things over the years. Currently she is driving me mad over feeding dd. I failed at breastfeeding dd as she was prem and I had a c section followed by a longish hospital stay so I've expressed for her from the start. She's now just over 16 weeks and still exclusively breast milk fed.
Mil is a big formula advocate. Apparently dd would be much happier on formula. She would sleep through the night. She wouldn't get wind. She wouldn't cry. Mil fed all her children formula as in her opinion breasts are just for decoration and keeping men happy (this is what she said). Fair enough , she's entitled to her opinion but she's really pissing me off.
She has said:
Dd is really windy, it must be your milk making her ill.
Dd should be sleeping through, your milk doesn't satisfy her.
Dd is getting big, am I sure I'm giving her enough milk.
Dd seems to struggle and cry a lot (mainly when it's not me holding her, she's clingy at the minute so when anyone else holds her she looks for me and will often cry) do I think it's my milk?
Her other grandchildren (except my ds) were formula fed and all were much happier and easy babies.
Dd's nappies smell bad (shocker there, although I don't think they smell as bad as formula nappies as it happens!) maybe it's something I'm eating and passing in the milk?
Dd seems hungry all the time, maybe formula would fill her up more?

Fwiw as I am exclusively expressing I know
exactly how much milk dd has and it's well within the normal range for her none adjusted age and weight.

Basically every time I see her MIL makes some comment that alludes to my milk not being good enough for dd.

It's so annoying, particularly as it's damn near killing me to express 7-8 times a day and it means I can't go out anywhere really and am up in the night more. I'm trying to do what I think is my best for dd.
AIBU to find this so bloody annoying?

OP posts:
raisedbyguineapigs · 15/04/2016 19:07

Do you have to spend time with her? Can you keep away for a while, and keep the kids away, as that seems to be what she wants. Her son and the kids. Just until she knows who's boss? And your DH knows how upsetting it is for you

brandystrumpet · 15/04/2016 19:13

Breasts are just for decoration and keeping men happy. Shock At that point I would say 'enough of your inane comments, now fuck off and go and read a biology book then you might not come out with such shite'

How do you stand this woman for a millisecond?

Organon8 · 15/04/2016 19:16

Your Dh sounds like an unsupportive dick head

^^

Borderterrierpuppy · 15/04/2016 19:22

You have not failed at breastfeeding, you are feeding your baby breastmilk.
I think you are awesome tell mil to jog on!

kiki22 · 15/04/2016 19:28

My baby was ff from day 1 had terrible wind colic and didn't sleep, he was also always hungry for more. She's talking shite

PhoenixReisling · 15/04/2016 19:30

Your MIL is not lovely nor is a gem.

You have a DH problem here....how dare he minimise this and make out its nothing.

I get that she is widowed.....that does not give her the right to be nasty nor make comments about how pleased she was that your daughter was a perm......cause of Christmas.

He needs to be telling her to reign it in, you need to have very firm boundaries and need to assert yourself. If she says >insert rude comment here

ollieplimsoles · 15/04/2016 19:36

Wow 16 weeks expressing is amazing op! Its such hard work in itself even without having to cope with these comments.

My mil is the same, she breastfed for about ten minutes then gave it up and always has something negative to say about me bf ing dd.

How would your mip know anything about breast milk/ breast feeding or expressing is she didn't fucking breastfeed!? Thats your come back right there.

Its the one I always use.

pterobore · 15/04/2016 19:36

I just wanted to say how amazing you're doing expressing for so long, you've failed at nothing. Fwiw my son couldn't latch at birth and I expressed to around 6 weeks old and then tried to breastfeed him and he latched on. We went on to breastfeed for over a year.

Moreisnnogedag · 15/04/2016 19:39

Oh my word no. Just no. I want to come round and tell her to fuck off pretty please

No one who has an ounce of compassion is pleased that a baby came early and I can't imagine her priorities at all

Seriously your husband needs to stop with the 'ah shucks' attitude and listen to what she's saying. That's his daughter she's blithely unconcerned about!!

wrapsuperstar · 15/04/2016 19:47

Please stop tolerating this husband of yours.

I've lost count of the amount of threads of yours I've read that all point to the same cause at the root of all your unhappiness and anxiety -- it's not MIL, it's not you, it's not even the (legitimate and serious) health concerns you have. It's him.

Please, seek help. The support and consensus of Mumsnet is a great and powerful thing, but I think you need further help in real life to make things better for you. You deserve it, so much.

thetemptationofchocolate · 15/04/2016 19:50

I'm not normally one for confrontations but I think it could be time to give her a taste of her own medicine and tell her off.
If there is fallout from your husband, well you were only saying what you thought after all.

minifingerz · 15/04/2016 19:50

Print the information off below - hand it to your MIL. It's from UNICEF.

Say something along the lines of 'I know you just want what's best for us, but your comments about breastfeeding have made me wonder if you're unaware of the latest research. Here have a look. I think you'll find it really interesting'"

Oh, and kudos to you for doing such a great thing for your dd. Flowers

News
There has been significant reliable evidence produced over recent years to show that breastfeeding is a major contributor to public health and has an important role to play in reducing health inequalities even in the industrialised countries of the world. Baby Friendly provides a review service of papers, relevant to the health benefits and management of breastfeeding. We aim to review those papers which are pertinent to the industrialised nations in order that they are of particular relevance to our audience. When considering these papers it is important to consider the methodology, sample sizes, response rates and reported findings to determine their relevance. Where systematic reviews or meta-analyses are available, allowing analysis of findings from a number of well-selected studies, these obviously provide a stronger evidence base on which it is possible to base arguments with greater conviction.

It is always important to bear in mind the following when considering the strength of any evidence:

Carrying out randomised controlled trials which are clearly recognised as the “gold standard” is not always possible as it is not ethical to randomly allocate mothers in a way which arbitrarily may decide that half of the group will bottle feed.
Many studies are flawed by staff or mothers deviating from the protocol as this may seem counter-intuitive or too hard to follow in the situation in which they are being cared for or living.
Sample sizes, particularly for older infants, become very small, particularly in countries such as the UK with low breastfeeding continuation rates/exclusivity. It is therefore difficult to accurately infer statistics.
In specialist areas such as caring for preterm infants, it is difficult to recruit mothers at such difficult times and again, small numbers are reflected in a lack of solid evidence about many aspects of care.
Breastfeeding may be documented as having a “small protective effect” against certain illnesses. Whilst it is clearly accurate to say that that the risk of not breastfeeding is greater with some conditions than others, what is a small protective effect in one child is likely to have a much more dramatic effect across a whole population.
Below is a list of differences in health outcome associated with method of infant feeding. The studies have all adjusted for social and economic variables. All were conducted in an industrialised setting.

Artificially-fed babies are at greater risk of:

gastro-intestinal infection
respiratory infections
necrotising enterocolitis and late onset sepsis in preterm babies
urinary tract infections
ear infections
allergic disease (eczema, asthma and wheezing)
Type 1 and type 2 diabetes
Obesity
Childhood leukaemia
SIDS
and breastfed babies may have better:

neurological development
cholesterol levels
blood pressure
Other studies of health and breastfeeding:

cardiovascular disease in later life
childhood cancers
breastfeeding and HIV transmission
breastfeeding and dental health
Women who breastfed are at lower risk of:

breast cancer
ovarian cancer
hip fractures and reduced bone density
Other potential protective effects of breastfeeding (more research needed):

for the infant:

multiple sclerosis
acute appendicitis
tonsillectomy
improved parenting
reduced child neglect/abuse
for the mother:

rheumatoid arthritis
maternal type 2 diabetes
postnatal depression

CinderellaRockefeller · 15/04/2016 19:59

I would have a word with your husband and ask him if he's so keen on women speaking their mind, is he prepared for you to do the same?

Then I would tell MiL what I thought of her comments. Be direct with things like "I don't think you realise, but I find it really hurtful when you make those comments about breast milk, they feel like you're being deliberately nasty about how I feed DD, when actually I'm really proud and trying to do my absolute best" Then just leave what I would imagine will be an awkward silence. Don't try to pick a fight or any "did you mean to be so rude" bollocks. Just tell her clearly how you feel. Don't get drawn into a row about it, but do it every single time. "MiL I've said before that I find those comments hurtful. I know you mean the best for DD, but I really would like you to stop as you are upsetting me."

Be clear, polite and direct. (And rant and swear under your breath when she's gone)

VestalVirgin · 15/04/2016 20:00

Dh thinks it's funny.

There you have it. Apparently the lack of breastmilk has harmed his brain. Wink

(Just joking. I am all for women's right to not breastfeed if there's problems with doing so - but your MIL has no business complaining about your choices)

Itsmine · 15/04/2016 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoodlesOfFun · 15/04/2016 20:08

WOW. I never could express enough to wet any of my children's lips. They'd certainly starve if we had to do it exclusively! You're doing very well.

Babies are designed to wake often, it's normal. Babies are clingy to their mothers (and their food supply,). I have three children various amounts of formula and bf. I never once needed to wind a baby after bf. No bloated tummies. Only formula.
Babies have tiny tummies they are supposed to eat little and often, not be bloated out with too much milk (of any kind).

I'd reply with "not discussing" it and literally ignore everything she says after that. Every time.

Zaurak · 15/04/2016 20:14

My god woman, youve the patience of a saint!

I have an extremely passive aggressive way of dealing with people like this. I'm a scientist and I can bore on for England about data, just to put it in context...

It goes like this: first, amass your data. Second, at the next comment, you put on your earnestest face and proceed to go on and on and on with facts and figures and whatnot. The key is to use as many biological terms as possible with your eyes locked on hers. Make her squirm.

Or, another favourite, again, done with wide eyed innocence, is,

" oooh, mil, what was the advice in your day then? You know I was talking to [friends] mum the other day and apparently they were told to bottle feed every four hours. Can you imagine? Of course now we know that's cruel, how sad for those women at that time. And they used to think that [insert particularly annoying thing mil has said in the past] can you imagine?!? [head tilt tinkly laugh] how awful! Of course nowadays you'd be taken to task for failing your baby for that, but advice foes change over so many years..."

You cannot be nice to people like this. You metaphorically have to plant your heels in the sand and snarl back off, bitch. No further

Good luck. And may I add my voice to those impressed you express like this? That's some effort.

DrSausagedog · 15/04/2016 20:16

She sounds awful, but I agree that your DH is very much enabling her to treat you badly and not challenging her on it.

I know too well how exhausting expressing all the milk can be. You're doing great. I invested in a really decent dual pump which was more efficient and meant I only needed to express 3 or 4 times a day. Taking fenugreek also helped with supply.

Liara · 15/04/2016 20:29

You are doing amazingly well, in very, very difficult circumstances.

Your dh is not.

He needs to man the fuck up and ensure he is as supportive as he needs to be to enable you to do the amazing job you are doing for your baby.

That means dealing with your bitch of a MIL in no uncertain terms, and if she does not shape up keeping her away until she behaves.

How awful for you. He is letting you and your dd down big time.

bettyberry · 15/04/2016 20:40

OP, I had to express my DS. I had a section, needed some pretty heavy duty drugs following his birth and a transfusion. For the first 2 weeks he was formula fed whilst I expressed and ditched the milk to keep the flow going. He wouldn't latch on after that so I stopped trying and expressed.

It is so so tiring to do it. It really did feel like I was feeding two babies. I'll be honest - for me it wasn't sustainable long term. I got to around 4.5 mths before I threw in the towel. I decided I didn't need guns like fecking popeye. First feed not having to express before hand was bliss.

My own sister gave me shit because she could breast feed and obviously I hadn't tried hard enough.

Tell your DH he needs to grow up then tell him to tell your MIL needs to wind her neck in.

some snippy responses for you even if you don't use them maybe they'll make you laugh a little? Grin

If she say's something you are eating is making her windy or stinky - 'well, I'm not farting so it can't be that'

If she says your DD is getting big ' Yes, she's a baby not a doll. They grow'

Breast milk makes stinky nappies 'well, she gets that from DH. He's very proud'

Spandexpants007 · 15/04/2016 20:43

Can you print out some articles about why breast milk is better. Give them to her. Or alternatively email her a link to breast is best websites

nocoolnamesleft · 15/04/2016 20:46

You're managing to fully express feed an ex premmie, at 16 weeks? You are not a failure, you are awesome.

And, frankly, the idiot MIL should be going down on bended knee in front of you, to kiss your feet in amazement and thanks for what a superb job you are doing for her grandchild. And whilst she's down there, turnabout being fair play, you could always kick her in the teeth.

Yes, we are extremely lucky to live in a country when when breast feeding does not work, there are alternatives. But for an ex premmie? Yep, EBM is definitely better, where feasible. And your MIL can fuck off to the far side of fucked offedness, than fuck off again,

Where's your DH in this? He needs to have words with her. Before you do!

blueturtle6 · 15/04/2016 20:49

Re the not sleeping through, tell her how lucky you are that DD wants to give you cuddles all through the night, amazing bond. In other news formula doesn't help babies sleep through...ive tried...

NorthernChinchilla · 15/04/2016 20:50

Hey Eliza. You are absolutely doing the best for your DD in the most trying circumstances.
Your DH should be doing the following:

  • Praising you to high heaven for having your DD, and coping so well with a prem baby (who is beautiful by the way)
  • Supporting you in every way possible in your feeding of DD, given you've got the toughest gig going, with expressing.
  • Realising his mother's comments were utterly unacceptable and telling her to bugger off. This is x1000 given the issues you've had ref anxiety, etc.

You are doing a fantastic job. Your DH needs to tell his mother to STFU, as given your situation you do not need to be engaging in any battles yourself, as rightly all your energies are going on you and your DC.

Lovewineandchocs · 15/04/2016 20:55

Was she like this when u bf ur DS? How have u not blown up at her by now?! Flowers and look after yourself x