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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my pre-teen (12yo) right now?

275 replies

t33jay · 14/04/2016 21:47

Having checked Parent Pay Transaction History we've realised he has been stealing money (sums approx £500) from us, then using the money to top up his cashless account in school via the machine. Sometimes in cornershops to buy sweets, but mostly to buy school dinners.

He is on packed lunch as we have told the school that he is on organic diet only to find out that he has been given a 'canteen access card' in school and this is what he has been using to buy ridiculous amount of food. He does not have the fingerprint access, hence the access card.

So gets his meals at home + snacks & pudding + packed lunch AND gets sweets + at least £10 worth of food from the canteen ON MOST DAYS!!!

Surely the schools should put a limit on the amount a child can spend on a day!?!!!!!!!

I have a meeting with the headmaster tomorrow. Give me more ammos, am going there all guns blazing!!!!

To say that I am livid is an understatement.

OP posts:
steppemum · 14/04/2016 22:57

I think you have the wrong view of secondary schools and how they work.

They deal directly with children. So if the child comes in to the office and says 'please may I have a canteen access card' then the office will give them one, unless there is some major reason why not. The head does not micro manage this sort of thing.

He is obviously resenting and kicking against the diet. If the diet is there to control his weight, then he needs to be on board with you. At the moment it sounds like you are imposing it. That just isn't going to work, as you have seen. The whole time he is out of the house, he can control what he eats, and he is. It sounds as if he is way over eating too (if he spends £10 per day on food)

I really don't understand the schools system though. It sounds as if he can top up his card as he likes form your account. That would be the first school I have come across that works that way. Normally the parents have to top it up.
So, if you have any issue with the school, it would be how is he managing to get into your parent pay account to top up his card? How does the school's system allow kids to spend on parents accounts. That seems wrong.

If he doesn't/won't eat the organic food, then he has a very limited amount on his card, enough to buy lunch, not enough to buy sweets, snacks, etc etc. If he overspends, then he won't have any money left the next day.

Peers are so important at this age, if his friends are teasing him over his lunch, you need to think again.

ghostyslovesheep · 14/04/2016 22:58

Your son would need access to your bank card and have the passwords to access the App to be able to load it up with cash, and you would receive an email every time an amount is added

yes this! how can you not know?

YABU to hate him :( poor kid - he just wants to be like his brother - you may be making him feel shit

SalemSaberhagen · 14/04/2016 22:58

Your penultimate comment gave you away Icarus OP

TheNotoriousPMT · 14/04/2016 22:58

I think that at 12 he is old enough to choose five meals a week on his own.

HPsauciness · 14/04/2016 22:59

Enchanted I totally agree, something has gone very wrong here.

However, people on overweight/obese children threads are always saying things like 'don't let them have any sweets/cake' or 'they are the child, you can control what they eat', and actually, once they get to teenage years/secondary school, it's a nightmare precisely because you can't too much- they have their own pocket money, they go into town by themselves on the weekend, hang out at friends, eat in the canteen, want to do what everyone else is doing. It's very difficult and at some point, the wish to be thinner/healthier has to start coming from the child themselves as you cannot outwit or control their behaviour externally all the time, as the OP has found out to her cost.

Original poster
t33jay · 14/04/2016 23:04

Weird thread indeed.

This is getting blown out of proportion.

School dinners are sh*t. Full stop. I have every right to not allow my son to eat it - and btw, forgot to mention that the older son, WAS ON PACKED LUNCH when he was on the same year. Talk about equality. I love both of them but God help me, I don't know what to do with the younger one.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 14/04/2016 23:04

I find your views (on organic food, on fingerprints, on control of your child, on school responsibility) rather... bonkers paranoid.

I pity your son, to be honest.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 14/04/2016 23:04

Yabu

DiscoGlitter · 14/04/2016 23:05

Sorry, I'm another one who's a bit lost and has a lot of questions, sorry!
(Have read some replies but not all four pages.)
I have a 12 year old with the cash point finger system at school.
How is your child able to buy so much, do they not have a limit? Ours do. I think it's something like £2 a day that they can get out even if they have no money on there.
When he first started he went a bit mad at being able to just get what he wanted (think it was the novelty!) and got into debt by about £6 on it.
That's 6 pounds altogether though, not £6 most days!
Definitely ring up and ask what on earth is going on, and if they can put a cap on how much he can spend. They WILL be able to!

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 14/04/2016 23:05

Evening all. We're getting quite a few reports about this thread and want to make clear that we have no reason to think this poster is anyone other than they say they are. Please do proceed on that basis, bearing in mind that not everyone who posts here is from this country or speaks English as a first language.

Needfinsnow · 14/04/2016 23:05

You sound like my mother, golden boy tall slim grammar school lad vs your embarrassment. God help the poor lad, I hope he grows up knowing his true worth, not the one you put upon him

enchantedfairytale · 14/04/2016 23:06

I absolutely agree with all that, HP

I think exercise is more important for teens anyway. I remember being a teenager and being starving - proper 'my stomach thinks my throat has been cut!' starving, and I now know its was because of growing and all the rest of it. It's the same with sleep, you just can't judge a growing adolescent as an adult.

I'm not saying 'let them eat all the McDonald's they want' but I don't think restricting food works with this age group.

Original poster
t33jay · 14/04/2016 23:07

Your son would need access to your bank card and have the passwords to access the App to be able to load it up with cash, and you would receive an email every time an amount is added

ghostylovesheep then you need to know that they have a machine that accepts cash to top up the account. In school. Not online. No need to access passwords and bank cards. Thankfully he's not that sophisticated yet.

OP posts:
steppemum · 14/04/2016 23:08

OP - you just don't come across as if you care about him. I know you love him, but it doesn't sound from your posts as if you are worried about what is going on in his head, what is causing this, what is driving this need for money/food.
You don't sound concerned, you just sound angry and as if you dislike him.
I think it is because you are angry about the stealing and I get that, but you need to get past the anger and start looking at this from his perspective in order to try and work out WHY.

EverySongbirdSays · 14/04/2016 23:09

I don't understand this thread - how can a child steal £500 using a Canteen Card , do you mean he's bee able to spend £500 over 50 days in a canteen and you didn't notice this on your bank statement Hmm

Also I notice that you said your older son is at grammar school ANYWAY

So is 12 y/o at a comp?

Have you ever wondered that he might have a weight problem because you treat him as an inferior to his sibling? A short.Stout.Thieving.Troublemaker.

I want to give your 12 y/o old a hug, take him for a burger and tell him it will get better, poor thing.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/04/2016 23:09

Ah give that poor child a turkey twizzler

inlovewithhubby · 14/04/2016 23:09

I feel terribly sorry for you both - you because you are at your wits end, where we all have been and is awful, and your poor child because he is estranged at the moment and is probably feeling marginalised, alone and second best to a perfect elder sibling. Poor child doesn't have the resources to deal with this maturely, but you do, or rather should have.

I agree that this is a family matter, but it sounds like you need professional help. As a family for sure, but I'd start with you personally. You sound controlling and harsh and blinkered as to how this behaviour might affect a pubescent child facing all the other (normal) difficulties life chucks at you at that age. Please, look at your own behaviour and parenting before you start putting your son's under the microscope.

wheresthebeach · 14/04/2016 23:10

Yes...YABVVU.

If you want to sort out a weight issue you have to work together; not impose rules.

The way you talk about your son is pretty awful. The issues aren't food - the food is the symptom. Your short, stout troublemaker will know exactly how you feel about him. Perhaps he's turning to food for comfort?

EverySongbirdSays · 14/04/2016 23:11

OK so it was done manually - he stole £10 a day from your purse for 50 days AND YOU DIDN'T NOTICE ?? - what planet do you live on

Original poster
t33jay · 14/04/2016 23:12

DiscoGlitter - indeed, why does this school operating different from the rest? There has to be a cap, it's just common sense!

OP posts:
vindscreenviper · 14/04/2016 23:13

Eh? Sounds like you think that the school lunches become magically ok after the first year, why can your oldest eat them now but not when he was yr7?
Also how did your son top up his account without you noticing? (don't expect an answer as you've ignored everybody else who asked)

UmbongoUnchained · 14/04/2016 23:14

This reply has been deleted

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ghostyslovesheep · 14/04/2016 23:14

so he's stolen out of your purse? why not just bloody say that?

I'm shocked you didn't notice but being angry wont help him - work out how to approach it calmly and find out why

Aspergallus · 14/04/2016 23:15

Sometimes children defy rules because the rules are wrong.

This can be a problem when you try to control and impose unjust rules on a child who is old enough to make their own decisions.

Back off and let go.

Organic diet indeed. Bet the school love dealing with you.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 14/04/2016 23:16

OP If you want constructive advice then you need to have the title of this thread amended as no one is going to have sympathy with you when you say you hate your 12 year old for stealing money for food. Be upset/frustrated/at your wits end with him - absolutely fair. But hate? How would you feel if he knew you'd said that? How would you feel if he said that about you?