To hate my pre-teen (12yo) right now?

[t33jay]

Having checked Parent Pay Transaction History we've realised he has been stealing money (sums approx £500) from us, then using the money to top up his cashless account in school via the machine. Sometimes in cornershops to buy sweets, but mostly to buy school dinners.

He is on packed lunch as we have told the school that he is on organic diet only to find out that he has been given a 'canteen access card' in school and this is what he has been using to buy ridiculous amount of food. He does not have the fingerprint access, hence the access card.

So gets his meals at home + snacks & pudding + packed lunch AND gets sweets + at least £10 worth of food from the canteen ON MOST DAYS!!!

Surely the schools should put a limit on the amount a child can spend on a day!?!!!!!!!

I have a meeting with the headmaster tomorrow. Give me more ammos, am going there all guns blazing!!!!

To say that I am livid is an understatement.

We have spoken to my son, many many, many times. Angry, frustrated, destroyed, disappointed ambiance, you name it.

He agreed to wait to be put on school dinner until next year.

When our household food bill is skyrocketing because of what we want to feed the kids, and we do not want them to be a laughing stock by being so fat, I feel I have every right to control what he eats until such time that he is reasonable enough to choose wisely.

eating organic food does NOT mean that your child will not get fat.
eat enough of any food and you will gain weight

t33jay you still haven't addressed the fact that you've stated that you hate your own child. Being frustrated is one thing, but if my mum had said that to me at 12, then come 16 she'd have been out of my life for good.

YABU

Apologies if I've offended people on the higher end of the scales here ( is that sugarcoat better now?) but I promise you that a) I am not embarrased because he is fat, you guys 'put that in my mouth'. We did not want him to get even fatter, we wanted him to lose weight. B) the headmaster in school was specifically told that my son will not be frequenting the school canteen, he's on packed lunches. He told me that he informed me of that card - that was a lie. C) £500 in 7 full months, not 50 days D) bash if you like, am sure your kids are all awesome, and you are perfect.

I agree, saying that I hate him is OTT, I dont. But I am mightly crossed and I am destroyed especially that he got every single treat he wanted during Christmas & Easter holidays!

Sorry op I'm trying to understand this. Your ds has a card that he is putting credit on with money he's stolen from you each day. Is that right?

So how is he stealing £10 a day without you noticing? I'd notice that.

OP how tall is he/how much does he weigh?

I love that you think the headmaster goes around with a list of what all the kids eat in his head. You're clearly one of those parents who thinks you should be the centre of the head's universe, and that's always a bit embarrassing.

You're going about this like you've read a lot of books about how to create someone with an eating disorder and are following all the instructions to the letter. I wouldn't be surprised if your son has binge eating disorder already as his upbringing seems to contain a lot of the triggers, and his behaviour points towards it.

Delightful that you're assuming people on MN who call you on it must be 'offended'. You're just handling this badly, it's not because fat people are picking on you.

Well you're just a peach aren't you OP... don't worry I'm sure your son feels the same way about you as you do him. And good luck with the teen years, should be fun with that attitude you have.

( FYI I don't think I've ever seen a single poster profess to be a perfect parent, but you have openly said you hate your child! You should be ashamed of yourself. )

DollyTwat - my husband is lax in money and his wallet is most of the time in his jeans pocket which is left downstairs.

Also, he has promised not to steal again, this is not the first or second time he was caught. The previous times, he bought football cards. He was spoken to ( given the carrot, so to speak) and he did it again. Now am being bashed for giving him the stick.

Crazy world.

What's upsetting me most is that I think of the OPs son was slim and athletic and he'd stole the money for some other reason she wouldn't be this angry. You seem to have a problem with "people at the higher end of the scales" and you are projecting this onto your son.

I really hope Maryz is right, because I feel really bad for the kid if it isn't.

No you're not being bashed for giving him the stick. Only an idiot would come bounding on here saying. Discipline is wrong. You're being bashed for using the word hate about your child. Op that is not normal. It's not even something you say in the HOTM. That's why youve been roasted on a pit fork.
I would ask mn to amend the title if it were me to something like. Aibu to furious with my pre teen. I mean it's okay to feel angry.

Stealing aside OP, your priorities are wrong.

You say you don't want him to be a laughing stock by being so fat surely your main concern is regarding his physical and mental health from the effects obesity can have on both?

Actions speak louder than words from kids. Your child is clearly acting out against a restricted diet (organic doesn't equal weight loss by the way!) and being treated as second rate next to the Golden Child by stealing and binging on food. Carry on the way you're going and you'll end up with a young adult with an unhealthy relationship with food and a strained relationship with the parent who could have handled this waaaaay better.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 I am a bit ashamed for saying that, having vented for a while now, I realised that's a huge mistake.

I hope that the magnitude of frustrations I have with my son does not happen to any other parent. It is so destroying that it has been happening for 7 rolling months and I did not have a clue.

I get your pissed off with your son for stealing. Totally totally get that.

But one of your earlier posts you were fat shaming your son. And thats just nasty OP. Id change your attitude pronto, otherwise your going to loose him when hes older if he has any sense.

How it started with my parents, and I dont intend on having them around me much longer.

How overweight is he though? Is it something that can be easily resolved with a few weekend walks etc or does he need a proper eating and exercise plan?

For godsake, OP, aren't you the teeniest bit concerned about why exactly your son is so anxious about food that he feels the need to steal?

Unfortunately Every, from my own experience, parents like this do exist. Its heartbreaking.

Many years ago before the payment card system was in place my son did the same sort of thing.

He was 10/11yo and had been at the school since he was 5. He'd always been a vegetarian and always had packed lunches. One day I got a call from the school secretary saying he'd racked up a bill of £65 on the 'pay as you go' scheme or in his case the 'don't pay and go anyway' scheme. He just kept telling the school he'd forgotten his money. The worst and saddest part for me was that he told me he'd eaten meat and fish 'just to be the same'.

Given a number of things that have since come to light it became clear that he'd been very unhappy indeed at school (over other more important things than just what was on his sandwiches) It caused him a lot of painful inner turmoil and mental health problems over the years .

With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I could have been a lot more accepting of him for who he really was, not just who I wanted him to be in my mind's eye.

If I just appreciated and praised all the good stuff and been encouraging and supportive about how we could deal with some of the difficulties together I know he'd have been a much happier boy ......which would have in turn led him to be a more confident, resilient, less anxious and all round healthier young man.

These pre-teen years are so vital don't get caught up in battles about the wrong issues. Even when it's tough (we all know it can be and often is) praise and encouragement will work far more wonders than criticism.....that just stores up problems for later.

Wishing your son and you the best and sending a hug.

You have every right to be frustrated and yes, he needs a consequence for stealing ( xposted with you about the football cards ) as he needs to learn now that it's not OK.

The talk about weight/eating habits needs to be a seperate one though, possibly once the dust has settled a bit and everyone's calmer.

I was very overweight as a teen, but if anyone brought it up and I felt like I was being had a go at, I'd eat even more to piss them off. Can your older son do some sports with him? Does he play any sports at school? This might improve his confidence a bit and help fill the time ( I know I ate a lot out of boredom ) so he doesn't feel the need to binge eat.